ConfusedGal Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Guys... For those who followed my threads (debating whether to move or not... Mom's weird breakdown, hubby and I deciding to stay in the state cause of my job situation...Anyways, can't seem to get over my sadness... I mean, mom's whole nutty breakdown really affected me... And now knowing that I will just be here is messing me up...Yesterday, spoke with mom cause hubby and I were going to visit them since it had been a while. Mom was like "No, dont come and visit. You wanted me to be deattached from you, so its better that I dont see you for some time. Please dont celebrate any birthdays or anniversaries or Mother's day or anything." And I said "Why wouldnt I?" and she she says "Well, when I wanted it you never did, and I always cried and cried. I dont want to cry anymore...I just loved you too much and this is my punishment for loving you too much." Its SOOO bloody twisted! I mean, firstly we DID celebrate birthdays anniversaries etc except when it was a weekday and a late work night...And again its HER being victimized "YOU made ME cry." not realizing how much she hurt me and my husband... And then she tops it off with "I just want you to be happy." ARghhhhh! I know I shouldnt even try making sense of her behavior, but its SOO bothersome and hurtful!!! I have started therapy myself... I just cant seem to get over this consistent sadness I am feeling.... Really... Like I just have the inability to be happy. My husband was so aggravated with me last week. He was like "You are always unhappy! You have to DEAL with this!! If you are never happy, why are we even together?" I was like, its not YOU. Its ME. I am just having a hard time recovering from that incident and coming to terms with "just treeating her like a child." Argh...Needed to vent...Just so sad... Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Oh gosh. You poor thing. I bet she could sense you were pulling away so now she's dismissing you so she can have control. After I left, when I wouldn't return phone calls or letters or threats from her, my mother called and left a message that she never wanted to see me again. She then told my whole family that I had caused so much trouble she was just done with me. This after 6 months of me refusing to talk to her. Don't treat her like a child. Don't treat her like anything. Everyone says, oh she's insane, be the bigger person, blah blah blah. This is a person who deliberately does anything and everything to hurt you every single chance she gets. If she weren't a blood relative, would you stick around? Of course not. Just be away from her. Seriously. Any family that doesn't support you does so because they are cowards, and probably jealous that they aren't brave enough to go away too. Then call my boyfriend and tell him to stop doing nice things for his poisonous mother... At least you can comfort yourself knowing you are NOT alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 3, 2006 Author Share Posted April 3, 2006 The sad part is, I cant even explain to my husband how messed up I am feeling...Its like years of stuff is weighing down on me... I dont want her to affect me, but she does..You know? Like when she indirectly blames me for making her cry for years, I want to be able to say "Whatever. She is nuts." but in reality, I am just angry... Like what the hell are you talking about?? And I cant tell my husband "Damn, we should have just moved!" he is so anxious to just move on with life and lead a happy one and we have started looking for houses and all...I find myself just having the inability to be happy now...I just need to distract myself, otherwise my thoughts turn back towards her... And still with that lurking feeling of having to deal with her...Sad part is, she totally thinks I dont love her or whatever... And I do! And I did! SHE drove me away!!! Not the other way around!! And im just angry!! And its so hard for me to accept that "Whatever, She is nuts." I dont know where to go or what to do anymore. I feel like im not even myself anymore... Just feel messed up. My husband is like "well, thats life. We have to accpet some people are nutty." And i am like, yeah but thats MY mom! MY mom HURT me so much but refuses to believe that and thinks SHE is a victim of her awful brainwashed daughter... CANT seem to get this weight off of me!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Oh, I feel for you. I'm glad to hear that you have started therapy!!! That is going to help so much! It may not seem like it at first because you're going to have to hash over some issues. You may seem raw but trust me, it's going to help. Tell them you need to learn to set some boundaries. I think your husband needs to be a little bit more supportive. I understand that its hard to relate to what's going on with you because he hasn't been there, but the last thing you need is him being upset about your actions. You do, however, need to not let this consume you- because then in a way you'd be acting like her. Yes, it's hard, yes it is your mom- but this was point blank manipulation on her part to get you to go overboard on convincing her that you love her. I would have said, "You know what- okay- if you don't want to celebrate holidays, that's fine with me" and then change the subject. If she insists on going back to the subject say, "Well, I was really done discussing it" if she won't stop bringing it up- say, "I gotta go- someone's at the door" or something along those lines. Your relationship with your husband is more important than the toxic one with your parents. Might I suggest he attend counseling with you so that he can go about helping you get the support you need? I also think that some medication for anxiety might help you stop obsessing during this stressful time. You'd be surprised how it can work wonders. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 It's true, you have to make an effort to let it go. It took me years to just accept that they are bad people and it's not my fault. It took a lot of discipline and wasn't easy. But there is no other way. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Allow yourself to go through a grieving process. You have experienced a loss, in some ways. Attend to that. You cannot get over things on anyone else's timeline, but your own. It's good to vent on here. But don't do it all the time with your H. He is stressed for you and probably needs a break too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 3, 2006 Author Share Posted April 3, 2006 I agree...I hate stressing him out. He already thinks we have never had a "normal" marital relationship cause of this stress... Which is why I question why we decided to not move away...Oh yeah, cause of my job...I was scared I wasnt going to find a comparative job out there and we would have to be separate for an indefinite amount of time...And the week after he turned down the offer, I got a call from a HUGE firm for an interview out there...Talk about bad timing...I am not sure moving would have made a big difference... But I feel it may have for me at least...So another big part of me feeling sad is the regret of knowing we COULD have gone far away and kind of restarted..Its a slew of things I cant share with him, and when I do he gets annoyed. He is kind of like "I have had it with this stuff!!!" This has all really damaged me.. I mean, people see me and are like WOW! You are a young successful attorney! But to me, I dont even know who I am anymore... Really. And I need to get over all this...I am afraid to go on meds...I hate depending on meds to make me happy. I think I need to adjust my own attitutude, but maybe meds would help... Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Ok, you're an attorney? Girl. You will be fine whereever you go!!! I agree about the meds. I never got on them because I wanted be absolutely sure I couldn't get through it on my own before I depended on something else. Plus my crazy mother was taking lord knows what so I didn't want to go down that same road. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 3, 2006 Author Share Posted April 3, 2006 Yeah, but a first year attorney...So I dont have that much experience to get something fast...or so I thought, and got a few calls the week after hubby turned down the offer. Imagine my regret. Argh..Again, dont k now if moving would have helped. I will pretend it wouldnt have since I am stuck here now. I have gone to 2 therapists in two weeks... Reason being the first one couldnt give me a regular schedule and the one that she had conflicted with my work day... But during the first session, she said, forget about your mom. She is nuts. Lets focus on you. She thought I had PTSD and I need to get out of it...I might have PTSD...She suggested a treatment called EMDR...Kind of a hypnosis to help you get over stuff...Second therapist didnt know what to say and was like "Um...well, we will TRY to help you..." WHat I am looking for is methods of dealing...Methods of making myself immune to mom's comments no matter WHAT they may be and being able to live my own life without being governed by HER moods... Thats what I want... And being able to get over my anger... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Fear of success. Result of domineering perfectionistic mother who was unfulfilled in her own life. EMDR isn't hypnosis. It actually hasn't even had a lot of longitudinal research, and what I have come across insinuates that EMDR may be a short-term bandaid to long term issues. I was exploring it for myself but decided against it. Hell, I can do that with the swinging therapy I have been working on. The thing that has allowed me to deal with my mother's insanity (oh dude, the other day she shows up at my house first asking if I am ok, then saying she was just "doing the stations of the cross"...um...thanks?)....has been my ability to laugh. I laugh at myself, at my mother, at the theater of the absurd that is life. That's the only advice I can give you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 3, 2006 Author Share Posted April 3, 2006 I need to learn to laugh as opposed to letting it affect me... I feel like I am always surrounded by this "dark cloud" of her and my past memories with her... I need to get rid of that cloud...And i seem to get rid of it when I am far away...Like when I was in India for two weeks in Dec, I feel like I am so "far way" and that helped. Even when I am awa on vacation...Which again makes me question why i didnt move...Argh. Life... good decisions and bad decisions....and then just, well..decisions. Worst is, even my Dad has been sucked into her world and just agrees with everything she says and does and is like "pooooorrrr mom!! she is soooooo great and does sooooooooo much for everyone. Loves her kids soooo muchhhhh." ARGHHHH! Link to post Share on other sites
mimzie Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 I am so sorry you are going thru this! I know it must be very hard since YOU are the daughter and you would expect your MOM to be the mature one. She's just trying to get you to feel bad, that's why she wants you to forget all birthdays etc... she doesnt want you too but she says it so you feel bad and make HER feel extra special next time. I would do just what she suggest. Tell her YOU are the daughter and she is the MOM, SHE is the one that is suppose to be past the satisfaction of others making her happy!! You will always love her no matter what, she's your mother but she needs a lot of tough love I think. I havent kept up with all your post but I've gotten the basic understanding (I think) I'm so sorry, I hope you honestly CAN detach from her some, you really need it! Rachel Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 Another thing to consider CG- like Bot and myself you grew up in drama. Once you're semi removed from that, at times, you don't know how to act and will sometimes go about creating drama for yourself. It takes a bit of time to get "used to" the peace when you're separated from all that drama- even as little as you are. It's kind of like we go into panic mode because the physical responses that the drama causes are strangely soothing because to us, it's normal. I know this sounds wierd, and if you don't get what I'm saying hopefully you will later on after therapy. We have to learn to be peaceful, because it's not normal to us. You could suffer from PTSD, I do. The thing with medication is, it doesn't mean you're weak- because I am far from being weak, it just helps your brain sort things out in a calmer better way. Sometimes people who have been through trama, and have depression, anxiety or PTSD have a real chemical imbalance in their brains and this helps that. It's fairly common for the father who is married to the borderline mother to act as your father is acting. It's a self protective mechanism that he has developed to be able to deal with your mom, just as you are trying to develop your own. The only difference is he should be the one protecting you when you're younger for that, but yet you've been unable to count on him for that! If you're not comfortable with your current therapist, then I suggest you keep trying until you get the perfect fit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 4, 2006 Author Share Posted April 4, 2006 You are right Ms. Pixie... And the first therapist said this to me...That all of this has been "normal" for me, and I have never really known normality... And maybe I do worry and create situations for myself when there are none... I dont want to do that anymore... But thats where I am hoping therapy may help. Lets see... I hope it does.. Really need to "reprogram" my brain and recover from all this.... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 You are right Ms. Pixie... And the first therapist said this to me...That all of this has been "normal" for me, and I have never really known normality... And maybe I do worry and create situations for myself when there are none... I dont want to do that anymore... But thats where I am hoping therapy may help. Lets see... I hope it does.. Really need to "reprogram" my brain and recover from all this.... Just be gentle with yourself, and offer talk about this information with your H so he can understand better. You can do tandem sessions where he comes with you to talk to the therapist. Yeah the drama thing sucks, Mz. P is right on the money. I'm guilty of it myself. It's like you get caught in panic mode and the PANIC button in your brain gets pushed so much, that it gets stuck. You just have to learn to remember to jiggle the handle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 4, 2006 Author Share Posted April 4, 2006 Yeah, I just we just get used to the drama... And where there is a reduced amount we think something is not right and try to create it.. Does therapy help with this?? I dont know what to do with the inability to just cope with life. Its like all of this has weighed down on me so much, I just dont like much anymore...Completely bored and sick of work. Home seems depressing... Hanging out with friends is cool but as soon as I am not with friends I think of the same stuff again...My hubby and I havent made love in like 3 months! (I am 27 and he is 31). We were fantastic when we were away on vacation for 2 weeks in Dec...i mean, we were such a "normal" destressed couple when we were away. He saw me as a wife and a woman and I was so happy to be away... And when we are here I feel like he sees me as a disoriented child, cause thats pretty much what I am!! I so need to get out of this thinking pattern... Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 3 months??? Whooaaaaaa- that's giving your mom way too much power over your life. Get some wine, have a bubble bath and ummm see what comes up! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 4, 2006 Author Share Posted April 4, 2006 Yeah, just dont seem to get in the mood!!! ARgh! Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 You're letting this control you way too much. It takes discipline, you're not going to suddenly stop thinking about it. You have to make yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 4, 2006 Author Share Posted April 4, 2006 ARghhhhhh since huby turned the job down out there, I have gotten calls from FOUR great firms for interviews. WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 ARghhhhhh since huby turned the job down out there, I have gotten calls from FOUR great firms for interviews. WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! Chill out. Seriously. It's one thing to vent but you're taking it to the extreme. I don't really understand why you stayed near your mother anyways. I see you creating drama again. Stop distracting yourself and do what needs to be done to move on with your life. You cannot and never will be able to live your life, actually LIVE YOUR LIFE -- until you resolve inside your head your issue with your mother and your need to fixate on her so much - like to the point of destroying your own marriage? YOU need to implement tough love on yourself, man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 4, 2006 Author Share Posted April 4, 2006 I realize my own fixation...Thats why I am in therapy...trying to get over that... Been too much too long. I know I dont want to detsroy my marriage over this...Again, which is why I am seeking therapy. To get this OUT of my system... Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 4, 2006 Share Posted April 4, 2006 I realize my own fixation...Thats why I am in therapy...trying to get over that... Been too much too long. I know I dont want to detsroy my marriage over this...Again, which is why I am seeking therapy. To get this OUT of my system... That's awesome. But remember that therapy is not a cure all. Therapy requires 90% effort on the client's part, IMHO....the part the therapist contributes should be prompts to help you heal on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ConfusedGal Posted April 4, 2006 Author Share Posted April 4, 2006 Blind Otter, I read some of your posts in the "Family" section about your mom... How did you deal? Did therapy help you?? Link to post Share on other sites
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