I want a life!

[spaceylynn]

My husband and I have been married seven years and we have one daughter. We have a great marriage...he is loving, attentive, helpful, appreciative, etc. Our sex life is great, and we get along beautifully. When we're alone, that is...

 

Our marriage exists within the walls of this house, and does not extend any further than that. My husband is a complete recluse. He does not have friends and does not have a need for them. He doesn't go anywhere, unless we go out as a couple or family. He is content watching TV or playing on the computer. His personality is in sharp contrast with mine...I am a very social person and I love doing new things, meeting new people, going new places, etc.

 

It's getting to the point where I'm ready to throw up my hands and say to hell with it. I'm so frustrated. I'm tired of going out and doing things alone...it's ok every once in a while, but I'm sick of people asking me where my husband is and why he's never with me. I'm tired of hearing him bash the people I care about, my friends and family that I love and want to spend time with. Nobody is ever good enough for him! And most of all, I'm sick of passing up opportunity after opportunity to be with friends and go places and do things because he doesn't want to and lays a guilt trip on me because I do.

 

A little over a year ago, we separated because of these issues and others. Once he found he was losing me, he went into therapy, made friends, and seemed to be recovering from this crippling social anxiety. I came back, and it all slowly went to hell again.

 

I am torn. I value my marriage, but I also value the other relationships in my life. I'm just not happy. I try to tell him this, and he refuses to listen. He just will not make a change. Perhaps if I left again, he would go back into therapy, but for my own sake and my daughter's, I'm not coming back again if i do. When i try to tell him I'm thinking of leaving, he shuts down and won't listen. Our past few fights have been horrible...I scream and scream at him because i don't know how else to get my point across...he won't listen to me! I understand if this is just the way he is and he cannot change, but if that's the case, I want a divorce and I want to find someone to share my life, my WHOLE life with.

 

Any advice at all? Thanks for listening.

[Woggle]

I understand how you feel but you are taking the wrong approach. Men shut down when women nag. We have an automatic sleep mode when women do that. You have the right to want to actually get out of the house and do things with him. Why not actually talk to him about it without the screaming.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hello!

 

I have been married 10 years, and I can relate to you wanting more out of your relationship. If you want your husband to listen to you - do not scream, it will have the opposite effect! He needs therapy and medication. Screaming and reasoning with him won't do. So if he values the marriage, he should seek help for his social anxiety/ anti-social attitude.

 

Good luck.

[spaceylynn]

I guess i wasn't so clear...I have tried to talk to him in the past. I've tried gently leading him out. None of it works. He flat out refuses to aknowledge any attempt I make at turning our relationship around. Now I am just frustrated. I've tried to talk him back into therapy, but he won't have it. I don't know where to go from here.

[JayKay]

I can relate. I've lived with my BF for about 5 years now. He is a GREAT guy. He does have a few friends, but doesn't spend a lot of time being social.

 

He goes to lunch with his work friends and occasionally has his best friend over to work on the car. Other than that, he is perfectly content doing chores around the house. That's pretty much every weekend. Doing chores around the house.

 

We have had a number of discussions/arguments where I have said I CRAVE the interaction with other people! It seems whenever I have my family visit or invite friends for dinner, my BF perceives it as a big, disruptive pain in the ass. He complains about not being able to 'get things done around the house' and sometimes avoids having to spend time with my family when they're here (they really like, by the way, and are very nice people!).

 

I've complained about this and he's said things like, "I feel like they're ALWAYS here!"

 

Um, let's see......they came to visit maybe 3-4 times in a YEAR!

 

He'll also say to me, "Well, you just had a dinner party...a few months ago."

 

 

Um, yes. To me that's a really really really long time!!!!

 

 

 

My BF and I are just different that way. I look forward to having people over and getting together with them, whereas he seems to dread it.

 

I have a little social anxiety too, but I overcome it by making myself do things! Otherwise, I'd be terribly lonely! It gets easier, the more your practice.

 

I appreciate that my job is very social. It is keeping me sane, to tell you the truth.

 

 

All through February, I felt so depressed. Part of it was that weekend after weekend it was chores...chores....then sitting around watching TV. We didn't even do chores together. He was outside doing yardwork or working on cars and I'm inside doing laundry.

 

I'd sit and think, "What's the point of all this? Is this what we work all week long for? Chores and boredom?"

 

That's not a life.

 

 

 

As for advice, I am not sure what to say except communicate to him how important it is for you to spend time doing things with other people. Let him know you need to GET OUT sometimes and see a play or go to a museum or walk around the library or go to a lecture or a flea market.

 

 

I think it's sad how men seem so willing to do things with us like that when we're first dating. Then that seems to dwindle down.

[Mz. Pixie]

How about just saying, "Honey, I believe that we need marriage counseling and if you're not willing to go with me then I'm going to have to take steps to make myself happy- such as separation. You should know that I feel your changes have not been consistent and if I leave again, we will need to consider it permanent"

 

Wait until a time when things are calm and your daughter is not around and sit him down and calmly tell him this. Do not scream or yell. Be calm and serious. Then give him a set time to consider what you've said-and make his decision. Counseling or divorce.

[Ladyjane14]

I recognize my own husband in the description of yours. He is also a homebody who doesn't enjoy social activities. I have often secretly wondered if it were some kind of passive/aggressive control issue.

Anyway, I'm a bit of a "homebody" too....so it works for us most of the time.

 

But on occasions where I wanted to get out and do something, it would most often be just me and the kids, and this went on for MANY years. Hubby would stay home and more often than not, we'd fight about it. Not because I was pressuring him to go, but rather because he was feeling guilty and defensive. The best defense is a good offense, you know.

 

After all of the drama, I'd not only be resentful of the fact that he couldn't be bothered for family outings...but also ANGRY because of whatever fight we'd had.

 

I'm pretty sure that you're looking for a better solution than what I finally settled on, but here goes....

 

I decided that I was NOT going to accept delivery on Resentment any more. I can't control what my husband does or doesn't do anyway, so why should I tie my emotions up in his choices?

 

Today, he can either 'come with' or stay home. His choice. And it's not that I don't care, it's just that I want him to be ALWAYS where he most wants to be. I like it when he's happy, so I give him some support on his 'happiness' choices.

 

In return....I expect the same. It's working gangbusters.

[dgiirl]

I decided that I was NOT going to accept delivery on Resentment any more. I can't control what my husband does or doesn't do anyway, so why should I tie my emotions up in his choices?

 

Today, he can either 'come with' or stay home. His choice. And it's not that I don't care, it's just that I want him to be ALWAYS where he most wants to be. I like it when he's happy, so I give him some support on his 'happiness' choices.

 

In return....I expect the same. It's working gangbusters.

 

Ladyjane, once again, I think you are a smart cookie!

 

I think you can change the way you look at the situation and decide for yourself whether to be resentful or not. In the same manner, You can decide to be happy or not. Girl you say "he is loving, attentive, helpful, appreciative, etc. Our sex life is great, and we get along beautifully." Girl, you've got it made! Ok, so the guy isnt a social butterfly, there's worse things he could do than that. I do think him complaining about your loved ones need to change and that should be your main focus of attention, not whether he goes out with you or not. Enjoy your time apart. Create your own life. Dont depend on him for your happiness. When you have a bunch of different sources of accomplishments and happiness, you have a balanced life! Then when something goes wrong in one area, you have the other areas to keep you going. You cant talk your husband into going with you. You cant nag him into going with you. Show him that you are happy going out, and maybe he'll start to want to go out too.

[Ladyjane14]

Ladyjane, once again, I think you are a smart cookie!

 

Not that smart. .....'Cause it took me TWENTY YEARS!!! :p

 

I agree with you, dgiirl:

you say "he is loving, attentive, helpful, appreciative, etc. Our sex life is great, and we get along beautifully." Girl, you've got it made!

 

Most of us would give our left nut (if we had one) for a guy who's so close to perfect. Seems a shame to toss him back into the pond.

[spaceylynn]

I guess the way I see it is that he is isolating our family from the rest of the world. It's not a matter of him just not liking to go out and party or whatever (which we don't really do anyway). It's a matter of me having to live a life separate from him, whihc is not what I want. I want him to share a life with me. He puts me in the middle and makes me choose between him and my family and friends. He makes people feel uncomfortable in our home. I don't think it's healthy to be this way. It's like he is manipulating me, maybe even making it difficult for me to have other people in my life because he is jealous or whatever. It's not right.

 

I know I've "got it made" at home. But other people think he's a jerk because of the way he behaves toward them. I don't really care what other people think of my marriage generally, but I think it's very telling.

[Ladyjane14]

I guess the way I see it is that he is isolating our family from the rest of the world. It's not a matter of him just not liking to go out and party or whatever (which we don't really do anyway). It's a matter of me having to live a life separate from him, whihc is not what I want. I want him to share a life with me. He puts me in the middle and makes me choose between him and my family and friends. He makes people feel uncomfortable in our home. I don't think it's healthy to be this way. It's like he is manipulating me, maybe even making it difficult for me to have other people in my life because he is jealous or whatever. It's not right.

 

I understand where you're coming from, really I do. But how long are you willing to fight this fight? Surely, not twenty years like I did.

 

If this is part of who your husband is at his most elemental level, it's not going to change. That said, there are ways that you can improve on it.

 

You can't control what anybody else does, but you have absolute control over what YOU do. So, you're in a position to either accept or reject the resentment that you feel from your husband's lack of participation in family activities. This is a simple matter of adjusting your expectations.

 

I NEVER make plans that include my husband. Instead, I make my plans and then invite him along. If he wants to go...great. If not, that's fine too. I'm not going to get emotionally wound up about it.

 

The fact is....I don't tell him what to do EVER. This man has NO 'honey-do' list. He can do as he pleases, and I'll make my own arrangements. But he's a pretty good guy and he generally does the right thing. So the grass might not get mowed on my timetable...but it'll get mowed eventually.

 

I'm not suggesting for even a minute that you lay down and be a doormat for him. You need to keep on living your life and doing the things that make it worthwhile.

 

So, when it comes down to your husband "controlling" your relatationships with friends and family....Heck, go to the mat with him.

As long as you're activities are wholesome and fit within the guidelines you two have established together as acceptable for married people, why not? You're a grown woman, and your marriage isn't a prison. It'a partnership.

 

The trick here is to let him know that you've removed your 'controls' on him. All you need from him is just the basics....things like fidelity and fiscal responsibility. The bare bones of your ENs, the things you can't live without and still remain on as his wife.

 

You let him know that you WANT his life to be full and happy. You want him doing the things that he enjoys doing. You're there to add to his life experience, not to subtract from it.

 

Man, he will LOVE hearing all that.

 

But here's the kicker..... The arrangement is reciprocal. So, he's not in a position to impose controls on you either. He's supposed to be adding to your experience rather than subtracting from it too.

[blind_otter]

There are some people who require a lot of stimulation and socializing, others don't. There have been times when I had a lot of acquaintences, but I'm like the OP's H -- I like to stay home, mostly.

 

For me it would be an absolute nightmare to date someone who was really outgoing, because it seems like a bad sitcom matchup, like dharma and greg -- I would get resentful of someone who wouldn't just do what they wanted to fulfill themselves on their own, and let me live my life the way I want to.

 

I'm just sayin.

[dgiirl]

I think you really need to focus on the main issues and to me, it's not necessarily that he wont go out and socialize with you, but more that he's complaining about the people you love behind their backs and that is the reason why you feel uncomfortable when people ask you where your husband is.

 

Again, a lot of this is in your own control. You can set the boundaries with your husband and not let him talk badly about the people you care about around you. Simply refuse to get into an argument about it, simply refuse to sit there and listen, and simply refuse to let it anger you. If one of your friends was talking badly about your husband, would you sit there and listen? Your husband doesnt need to like your friends/family, but he should respect the fact that they are your friends and family and he should keep some comments to himself.

 

The last year I was with my exh I was really angry about a lot of things. I didnt even realize it either. And at one point, we would argue over the heat. He was trying to "save" money, and my toes were blue! I was so angry, yet I was so scared to take any initiative. I felt tremendous guilt about going over to the heater to turn it up. I didnt even realize I had the option of ignoring my exh and just saying "You know, he can bitch all he wants, my toes are blue! I'm turning the heat on and he'll just have to get over it" Instead, I would argue and complain but never do anything on my own to resolve the issue. I was trying to make him see my way of thinking, instead of just standing up for myself and saying we dont need to agree, but I'm still doing what I want to do.

 

My mom is a huge social butterfly. My dad is a huge recluse. And after 35 years of marriage, they've just realized there are things they do together, and things they dont do together. And if you want a happy marriage, you maintain a balance between the two.

[Pink_Tulip]

I can identify, my husband and I went through a patch, and that was part of it. I love going out and doing things, being social, etc. So I'd make these great plans, and he'd never go. Always some excuse. It really hurt my feelings, he was basically saying he had more fun on the computer than with me and the kids. And he would get mad if I asked him why that was. There were many other issues, but long story short- I developed feelings for someone else.

 

I respect that Ladyjane was able to work things out within her marriage as she did, and if you and your husband can do the same, more power to you. I could not come to that. To me, my husband is my best friend. I don't WANT to go out without him, I want to share my life WITH him. Yes I enjoy girls night out and such, but for the most part, I married him so we could be part of eachothers lives.

 

When he realized he was losing me, he signed us up for marriage counseling. It was almost too late, really. But we worked it out. My advice would be to get into counseling where you can both discuss your needs in a calm way with a professional. You have a child and you owe it to her to protect her family. If it simply doesn't work out, at least you can work on leaving amicably for the sake of the child.

 

Also, was he ever taking meds for social anxiety? Maybe he can start if he hasn't. If he did but stopped, why did he stop?

[Annacabana]

Was you husband a homebody before you got married?