college and marriage

[MusicWoman]

I'm curious as to the people of LS's views on college, marriage, and stay at home mothers. Are there any woman here that wanted to be stay at home moms and got their college degree and don't do anything at all with it now? Or stay at home moms who wish they had gotten a college degree in something?

 

I'm struggling with what I'm accually doing in college right now. I had to take time off of school and I'm a 21 year old freshman/sophomore somewhere in the middle. I'm engaged and don't want to wait until I'm finished with school to get married really...even though I do have time.

 

Theres a few things that are weighing on my mind about this.

 

If the plan is for me to be a stay at home mom, what is the point in me getting a bachelors degree? My degree is in music performance, and really, when it comes to getting gigs, the most important part is practicing in your own time. When you take auditions behind a screen it goes by how you play and no-one cares if you have a degree or not. The only thing I could see a degree helping for is being someones secretary where they just want to see that you have completed college.

 

I worry a lot about money and see paying for a private college for 4 years as a waste if I'm not going to be doing anything with it. I mean, I plan to still play around once and a while...but, I just don't know what I'm doing with school.

 

I also see my mother who did go to college and get a degree. She was married to my father for 20 years and he never wanted her to have to work. They divorced 2 years ago and her degree isn't coming into play at all. Shes doing landscaping which she likes to do...but honestly, you don't need to graduate high school to do that.

 

Its very possible I'm sounding young and ignorent, and if I am, please tell me so. I understand that marriages can go wrong and end in divorce, and that I should be prepared to be able to support myself if thats the case. But, if you don't do anything with your degree...how does that help you really?

[Ladyjane14]

I'll tell you what I'd tell my own daughter....

 

NEVER allow yourself to become totally dependant on someone else. ALWAYS protect your autonomy.

 

You don't know what the future holds. It's best to be prepared.

 

Have a look through some job-search sites. Imagine that you're applying for work. Which jobs would you be interested in? And what are the educational requirements to get those jobs?

[catgirl1927]

Susan B Anthony said it: "Every woman should have her own purse."

 

Women get stuck like this all the time. They believe that their husband will take care of them the way their daddy did and they can just relax. Then something happens and they are left out to dry, usually with kids to support.

 

You should have a degree, although I can imagine no job for 20 years won't help much. A degree doesn't always get you out of entry level positions, but it helps you rise once you're in. You always need one ear to the ground as far as a job goes. It is VERY naive. And, IMO, doesn't set a very good example for your kids.

[quankanne]

if you don't do anything with your degree...how does that help you really?

 

it exposes you to new experiences, new ideas, new people. It gives you discipline in the sense that you become responsible for yourself and your own work. Most of all, it's something that only you can do for yourself and there's no sweeter success than walking across that stage and being handed a diploma that you've poured your blood, sweat and tears into. It's possible that you won't need that degree to pursue a specific kind of job, but the experience that comes with earning that degree is invaluable. My thought is that you shouldn't give up schooling just because you're getting married, because it's something you bring to the table regardless of the situation you're in. Nobody can take that degree away from you, even if you don't feel you're quite putting it to use the way you figure you should.

[jerbear]

I'm not a woman but this is what I say to all my perspectives, gf's, and future daugther. Not married, not engaged, etc.. but you get my perspective.

 

I do not want anyone except my kids to be dependent 100% on me as sole bread winner. I do not plan on divorcing but would in certain situations (ie . try to really kill me, cheating)

 

A college degree is something that noone can take away. At 21, you have a whole life ahead of you. Regardless of what people say, a BS degree gets you thru the door and gives opportunities. Many managerial positions require BS degrees. Some jobs like you starting your own business; it is what you decide.

 

You can still get married and still get your degree. Don't marry and quit school. It might work in the "old" days, but not today.

 

I could be hit by a bus and the family has to survive, if she has a job or means, then great. If she is a stay at home mom, then there is an issue for me.

[blind_otter]

My older sisters both have degrees and are STAHM.

 

The problem with being a STAH, is that if or when you DO want to get back into the workforce -- you can't, or it's very difficult, because your degree has an expiration date. If you don't use it within like 5-7 years after you graduate, then when you apply for jobs you are in competition with people who are much younger than you, or people who have much more experience than you do.

 

I got married when I was 21 and still in college. I'm no longer married, obviously, and it's because I am a completely different person now, with different goals. I want different things out of life.

 

I would recommend you wait. Why the rush? What's so pressing about getting married?

 

The thing is - you have to cover your bases. If you do end up divorcing in 10 years, you'll definatley be stuck without a college degree, and with less time to reach the highest earning potetial in your chosen field. Though STAHM who are entering the workforce are at a disadvantage, they are still much better off than those who have no education or skills on which to base their entrance into the workforce.

 

My exH wanted me to stay at home. I am one of those people who has to work or I go crazy. I just could not enjoy myself when I was stuck at home with the TV and nonverbal animals to keep me company.

[catgirl1927]

I'm not exactly the most trusting type, I admit, but I am VERY suspicious of the motives of men who insist their wives don't work. With little kids you're a stay at home MOM. But why would anyone just stay at home?

[blind_otter]

I'm not exactly the most trusting type, I admit, but I am VERY suspicious of the motives of men who insist their wives don't work. With little kids you're a stay at home MOM. But why would anyone just stay at home?

 

Is this a rhetorical question? I can tell you - my exH really just wanted to control me and keep tabs on me, and thought he could keep me by making me financially dependent on him. But I never was anyways, I went into the marriage with my own assets.

 

And left with his debt. But whatever.

[catgirl1927]

Is this a rhetorical question? I can tell you - my exH really just wanted to control me and keep tabs on me, and thought he could keep me by making me financially dependent on him. But I never was anyways, I went into the marriage with my own assets.

 

And left with his debt. But whatever.

 

Not really rhetorical, I'm very interested as to why anyone would just want to stay home when they don't have children. I know my mother and sister did it because they are lazy.

 

Exactly what he was trying to do to you is why I am afraid to become financially dependent on a man.

 

And boy, do I feel you on the debt. I left my marriage after paying that deadbeat off. I'm just lucky that the judge made sure I wasn't responsible for all his unpaid taxes. He wanted to get back together until his uncle went ahead and gave him part of his inheiritance. Then all of a sudden he was ok with the divorce...

[Guest]

I know a woman who married at your age and was widowed at 23. You never know what will happen. Perhaps your husband will be ill or disabled or one of your children will be and you will need extra income.

 

I don't see anything wrong with being a SAHM but you should always have some sort of training or skill that you can use to earn your own way in the world in case something happens - as it so often does. Besides, it's a matter of pride in self to be able to fend for yourself. It's only a couple more years to finish your degree. In the whole scheme of things, it's next to nothing in terms of time and the time will fly by.

[MusicWoman]

 

Regardless of what people say, a BS degree gets you thru the door and gives opportunities. Many managerial positions require BS degrees. Some jobs like you starting your own business; it is what you decide.

 

The problem with my degree program, and the reason I bring up this question is because I am a 21 year old freshman. If i was going to be graduating with my origional class this wouldn't even be an issue. I am attending school for a Bachelors of Music. Music performance. You don't move up in music like you do in other lines of work. You make contacts yes, and take auditions. When you take auditions they don't care if you have a degree. Maybe I should be getting a general degree in a community college or something? The thing is I'm quite good at music...I'm in a very well known conservatory in NYC. I have a wonderful grandfather paying for my education...I feel guilty that hes spending money on a degree that I very well won't be using in the real world. When you have a bachelors of music there really isn't anything you can do with it..unless you go and get another degree in education you can't even be a music teacher.

 

So, I have a job at my school, which is wonderful, but its only about 6 hours a week. 6 hours is all of my free time mon-fri between 9-5 when the office is open I work at. After that I have practicing and play in 5 different orchestras that also pay...when the gigs come up. If I stay in school its 3 more years of living on my own.

 

My grandfather doesn't want to pay for me to be living with a boyfriend. Hes always said that. Yet, I'm now with a fiancee...so maybe he would be fine paying for half the rent of that now. I'm just not financially independent. I would be if I got a full time job at starbucks or something but thats not the case. I just don't have the time.

 

Thank you all so much for your repsonces, you really are helping me out.

[MusicWoman]

I'm not exactly the most trusting type, I admit, but I am VERY suspicious of the motives of men who insist their wives don't work. With little kids you're a stay at home MOM. But why would anyone just stay at home?

 

When it comes to this issue, I don't want to be a stay at home wife. The way my fiancee and I were brought up was with parents whose father's worked and didn't want their wives to HAVE to work. If he can't support the family with his own income, of course I would have to work. With the degree he just graduated college with he has a LOT of room for growth. Right now he can get a job where he can support himself well...but in the future he will be able to support a family with his salary. We grew up with stay at home moms and saw the benefits of it. My mom could always be at the bus stop when we were at school, and was always there when we got home. When my children are at the age of being in school I will probably want to get a part time job during the day where I can bring in some extra money as long as I'm there when the children get home. This is the ideal situation for me. Also playing in some low paying orchestras at night after he gets home from work, so I will still have music in my life.

 

I understand that because of certain circumstances many women have to send their kids to daycare. Its unavoidable, and I'm sure all of these mom's would rather spend time with their kids all the time. In a perfect world, I would love to be home with my kids. Thats all:)

[blind_otter]

When it comes to this issue, I don't want to be a stay at home wife. The way my fiancee and I were brought up was with parents whose father's worked and didn't want their wives to HAVE to work. If he can't support the family with his own income, of course I would have to work. With the degree he just graduated college with he has a LOT of room for growth. Right now he can get a job where he can support himself well...but in the future he will be able to support a family with his salary. We grew up with stay at home moms and saw the benefits of it. My mom could always be at the bus stop when we were at school, and was always there when we got home. When my children are at the age of being in school I will probably want to get a part time job during the day where I can bring in some extra money as long as I'm there when the children get home. This is the ideal situation for me. Also playing in some low paying orchestras at night after he gets home from work, so I will still have music in my life.

 

I understand that because of certain circumstances many women have to send their kids to daycare. Its unavoidable, and I'm sure all of these mom's would rather spend time with their kids all the time. In a perfect world, I would love to be home with my kids. Thats all:)

 

Hey, more power to you. Personally I would go insane. My older sisters are slowly losing their minds. Sometimes they call me and beg for me to "talk with them like an adult".

 

My Dad stayed home with us when we were little. He was retired by the time we were born, but thank GOD it was my Dad and not my insane bitch of a mother. Who I love. But who is still insane.

[tikigods]

I agree with the other women here, I don't think a woman should ever be without the skills to take care of herself. In a prefect world it would be like leave it to beaver, but in the real world and the way things are right now money isn't as easy to come by a lot of the times, and two incomes are needed to even survive. Now I don't think that you need to have a degree of some sort in order to get working expereience, but I do think that believing that you can just stay at home all the time is a bad thing

[catgirl1927]

Leave it to Beaver gives me nightmares. What a completely unrewarding life!

[Pink_Tulip]

I have seen too many times where a woman is stuck in a marriage b/c she can't afford to leave, and it is sooo sad. I wouldn't wish living that way on anyone.

 

I have a daughter, and she will go to college, and I will pay every penny. If she gets married and pregnant right after, and becomes a SAHM for the rest of her life b/c that is what she wants, awesome.

 

But she will never be in a situation where if her marriage fails she can't walk away and support herself comfortably b/c she doens't have an education. She will never have to worry that if her husband is killed or becomes disabled that she won't be able to support her family or would have to worry about losing her home.

 

I know when you first get married and are in love, it is sooooo easy to say, that will never be us. We will never treat eachother that way, we will never cheat on eachother or fall in love with someone else. But you have read these boards enough to know that it happens a LOT.

 

Please protect the financial future of yourself and your potential children. And who cares about paying back student loans. I still am, and I don't mind at all. I would also think your future husband would want his potential children to be protected with your education should anything happen to him, and shouldn't have a problem paying them back should you decide not to work. I know thats how my husband felt, and I greatly respected that.

[tikigods]

SAddly I see a lot of women want that type of lifestyle, where they are the happy housewife and never have do worry about anything more then if dinner is going to be burned

 

not my type of life

[Pink_Tulip]

If that is what a woman chooses, and she and her husband believe that situation would work best for their family, more power to her.

 

I also have friends who have been housewives since marriage. For some it has been wonderful, for one in particular who has a controlling, verbally abusive husband and is miserable but has no job history or a degree to fall back on, not so good...