Husband will not care for child

[marriedwithchild]

The husband and I did not discuss children before we got married, other than to put the question off on the basis that we had plenty of time. We were married five years when I decided I wanted a child. The husband did not, but he did not want to leave me so he relented. We agreed that I would take on most of the work (what woman doesn't, anyway?) The husband even took a trip away while I was pregnant, and I was fine with that. I did not complain when he did not attend the birth.

 

I was so happy after the baby was born, that even though I was very tired from work and caring for a baby and a husband and a house, I never minded that he did not help with anything that wasn't fun. At least he was playing with her, I thought! But then, two months ago, the husband took a voluntary package and retired from his job. The intention had been that he get another one, after a break. I agree he deserves a break. But I work fulltime as well! He's home all day, and he plays the computer. He will not look after the baby, even one or two days a week, which means I work and pay childcare despite him not doing anything else. He's right, I did promise him that he wouldn't have to do anything with the baby, but that was before circumstances changed. He loves our baby, I don't doubt it so I can't understand why he won't accept responsibility for caring for her a day or so a week. I'm getting so resentful that I am beginning to despise him. But he just says I should live up to the promise. Am I being unreasonable about this?

[uncool]

Yeah another job would help him. He's bored...so he probably got addicted to computer games. pc game addiction is kinda like drugs. It's a virtual gettaway thats hard for some to break out of. It's probably not that he doesnt love or care for his family. It's like taking him away to somewhere else. I was there in the past. I had to literally format my hard drive and destroy my games before I kicked the habbit. Try to replace his computer fun with something else thats fun that would include you and/or your child.... a board game, a tv show, a movie, landscaping the yard, food, or even surfing the web together like I sometimes do with my wife now.

[a4a]

Sounds like you need to go to MC. Although you did make this promise that he would not have to take care of the baby. You got exactly what you both negotiated for in this deal correct?

 

Perhaps he does not feel comfortable caring for a baby.

 

To be quite honest if my H decided to have a child without my full desire to have one, I would probably do the exact same thing your H is doing.

 

Some people just are not into the parenting thing. You cannot force it. It is not a "natural" desire for some. But he stated this correct? Now you are angry with him, you thought he would change his mind.

[Woggle]

Tell his lazy ass to get up and be a father to his child. How is his and your daughter going to feel knowing her father doesn't give a sh-t about her?

[littlekitty]

So he plays and interacts with the child, and shows a lot of love and affection?

 

But he won't change nappys, feed, bathe etc? Where are his boundies?

 

Is this effecting your financial well being as well?

 

I think a4a does have a point, that he did make his feelings on the subject clear prior to your pregnancy, so you were aware what the difficulties might be.

[a4a]

The husband did not, but he did not want to leave me so he relented.

 

^ very interesting quote above from the OP.

You more or less forced this and now you are complaining?

Is your husband allowed to actually make any decisions in this marriage for himself, will you allow him to retire if he chose to?

 

You need to go to MC or therapy so your child is not effected by this.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with Uncool in that it sounds like your husband is making excuses. If he holds you to your previous agreement, he can use his time for whatever he wants to do instead of being a parent to his daughter.

 

There's just no way that you could have known EXACTLY what you were promising when you made that agreement. You weren't a parent back then. What would happen if you were unavailable? What would happen, God forbid...if you died? Would he give her away for someone else to raise?

 

There's no way the agreement that you two made before could work. On some level, he's got to know that. So yeah....I think he's force-feeding you some bullsh*t.

 

It's difficult enough to keep a man engaged in the family, generally speaking. This guy is using a 'get-out-of-jail-free card' on you, and it can't be tolerated. The promise you made is essentially worthless because you were ignorant of it's true meaning.

 

What are you supposed to say to that little girl when she's bigger anyway?....."Daddy doesn't want to watch you today because he didn't WANT you to be born." It's not going to work.

 

If I were you, I think I'd sit him down and apologize for making that promise. I'd explain to him that he either has to be fully 'in' the family....or fully 'out'. It's scary to contemplate throwing out that kind of ultimatum, I know. But do you want to be doing this for the next 10-15 years?

 

 

p.s. If he's not independantly wealthy....he needs to get off his butt and get a job. You're brewing resentment.

[mimzie]

It doesnt seem to me that he's married at all?? I wouldnt be married to someone like that! A divorce would at least mean he'd have to pay child support to actually support the child!

[MusicWoman]

Yea, I don't understand how he can really love his child and not even take responsibility for the baby one day a week. Your working and paying for childcare and hes not doing anything!!! This isn't a functioning family.

 

I agree with a4a and lk that you did agree to take on MOST of the responsibility. He didn't agree to you taking ALL of the responsibility...and he made this choice to make a baby with you instead of leaving. He needs to step up and take at least SOME responsibility.

[Kenyth]

I'm sorry, but you made a mistake arranging something like this. It was doomed to end badly from the start. If he did not want children and you did, that should have been discussed before marriage in depth. It's one of the main reasons for marriage. If he did not want children at a certain time, you should have either respected that or told him that you had to find a person who want's children during your timeframe. Parents have to be 100% dedicated. A child is a treasure that deserves no less, but frequently gets less these days because of poor decision making.

[littlekitty]

If he did not want children and you did, that should have been discussed before marriage in depth. It's one of the main reasons for marriage.

 

Good point to make Kenyth. For crying out loud, shouldn't you have discussed children, religion, desires for the future, expectations, morals etc before you even think about walking down the isle??? Wouldn't that make sense?

[blind_otter]

This is a direct consequence of certain choices you made. Understand that the desire to have children isn't universal, and not every thinks like you or values what you value. That being as it is, you still have the present situation to deal with. But honestly it all seems just. so. yucky. I mean, I can't imagine wanting to have a child so badly that you will sacrifice the needs or wants of your husband -- I mean isn't he supposed to be part of the decision making process?

 

Maybe he's still resentful of the choice that you forced him to make? And as an inevitable result he probably resents the existence of your child but makes somewhat of an effort not to show that in order to protet the child. But just because it exists doesn't automatically make people parental.

 

Marriage counseling. Individual counseling.

[catgirl1927]

I have to say, it's not fair of you to have a child with the agreement that he didn't want one and it is YOUR child, and then expect him to change his mind. I have a friend who is in your exact situation, except she had two back to back. He won't help her AT ALL. At all. But he was very clear with her that he wasn't ready for kids and didn't know if he'd ever want them. He said, "If you have them, they are your kids. I'll support you financially so you can stay home with them, but I don't want to deal with them." She complained that he wouldn't help and yelled at him to do something for HIS daughters, but he was VERY clear with her.

[tinktronik]

This sucks for your daughter , but you made this deal. You agreed to have a child By Yourself. And so now you are basically a single parent, This is the dal you made . Hope you can work it out.

[michelangelo]

This is a factor you haven't fully explained.

 

If he got a retirement package does this mean he is of retirement age or just that they bundled him out the door?

 

And if he is just on a break from work, how long is that supposed to last before he looks for employment?

 

Also, if he is on a break, do you really want to change your babysitting arrangements/peschool arrangements for a short-term?

 

When my kids werre small it was very difficult to get good sitters/preschools.

 

There are waiting lists and the like. Plus, the kids got to like where they were. Introducing them to yet another sitter/preschool would be a drag for them.

 

Your H told you ahead of time that he is not interested in the baby care stuff and you went ahead and had a child anyway. That you now find it overwhelming is predictable, but you might be able to negotiate the status quo a little. However, if he is of retirement age and you are not that might be asking a bit much.

[TeaCooler]

you also refer to him as " the husband" as though he is a faceless character in some play.

 

it's not very affectionate. maybe somehow you make him feel removed from you and your life, including your child.

 

sometimes, you don't realize that other people don't like to be in the company of those who are mad at them for whatever reason, simply because the person mad at them tends to be unpleasant and naggy. so they avoid it.

 

you can't expect someone to change for the better by being negative.

[CrashIntoMe]

Even if he's not going to take care of the child, he really needs to get a job.

[JayKay]

I think it's a terrible thing to create a child that one parent doesn't want.

 

I'm sorry you are in this pickle.

Obviously, your daughter is here now and its' too late for him to be making a stink about not wanting to parent.

 

If you don't want to parent, you don't have a child. PERIOD.

 

If you have a child, you should be a parent. PERIOD!

 

I have a feeling he has a lot of old resentment bubbling under the surface. I'd also agree with marriage counseling because this issue is pretty huge.

[HokeyReligions]

It sounds like you used him as a sperm doner and he used you as a maid w/ benefits, and you two live totally separate lives. Even if he didn't want a baby, to leave you when you are pregnant tells me he might not really love you -- at least not like a husband should. My husband and I have supported each other even when we didn't believe in or want what the other was pursuing - we do it because we want to show that we love each other and are in each other's corner. I don't get that from your post. Look up "enabling/enabler" and see what you find. Deliberatly having a baby when one partner does not want it is very selfish. Wouldn't it be better to have a husband who also wants to be a father? If you are your only means of support, then find your own place and slap child-support on his ass. Then find a life for yourself and maybe even a real dad for you baby - or just suck it up and live with the choices you have made and find a way to create your own happiness without your husbands involvement being necessary.

[tikigods]

Why oh WHY don't people talk about these important things before they get married?

 

You made a deal with your husband, regradless of how hard it is now, you told him that he didn't have to do anything with the child he didn't want to have in the first place. Pretty much you used him as a means to an end and that was a child.

 

Its unfair for you now to go back on your word, though I do agree that he needs to find something more to do with his time. Its not his fualt that he isn't bonding with a child that he didn't want, but what surprises me is that he is still around even after all of this.

 

You made this bed its time to lie in it

[Ladyjane14]

You made a deal with your husband, regradless of how hard it is now, you told him that he didn't have to do anything with the child he didn't want to have in the first place. Pretty much you used him as a means to an end and that was a child.

 

Its unfair for you now to go back on your word, though I do agree that he needs to find something more to do with his time. Its not his fualt that he isn't bonding with a child that he didn't want, but what surprises me is that he is still around even after all of this.

 

You made this bed its time to lie in it

 

I dunno Tiki. It seems to me that BOTH of these folks entered into a bad bargain. Anybody who already has kids could see that it was naive. There's NO WAY it could work.

 

When I married my husband, I already knew that he wanted children. I was somewhat ambivalent, but I was willing to go along. Then YEARS went by and nothing happened. I was infertile.

 

It took quite a while to find out why. And during that time, I gave SERIOUS consideration to giving my husband up. It didn't seem fair that he should miss out on such an important life experience because of me.

 

Fortunately we found a solution that worked for us, but I have to tell you.... I would most definately have divorced my husband if we hadn't. I couldn't have tolerated him making such a huge sacrifice in good conscience.

 

If the OP's husband married her without telling her that he NEVER wanted children, then he did her a disservice. If he bargained with her to keep her in the marriage, knowing that she would leave him rather that forego the experience of parenthood, there again....he has done her a disservice. Better that he had not strayed from his decision if it was that important to him.

 

They are equally guilty in making this bad bargain. If they want to stay together...I think they need to let each other off the hook and make a better deal.

[tikigods]

Ooo I totally agree that this is both of their faults, but I also think that this is an issue that should be really disscussed in depth before you get married, my husband knows where I stand on the issue and I know where he does, and if it wasn't the same page we wouldn't be married ;D.

 

I don't think there is a huge mystery as to what is involved in raising a kid, even if it is different for each person, the basic needs are there, heck you can go to any baby board and read countless people sharing the same stories over and over, so I do blame her for making a bargian like that and now that the husband has a child he never wanted and was promised he wouldn't have to take care of, she is upset that he isn't tickled pink over the idea of this kid.

 

I do think that the husband should have walked away instead of given in, it would have been easier on them, but then again, instead of forcing the baby on him in that "give me child or get out of my life" she should have gotten out of his knowing that he didn't want kids and was only doing so to make her happy.

 

The fact of the matter is that in the end, this kid is going to suffer and that really breaks my heart since it never asked to be put in a situation where the parents could really seem to be focused on their own selfish needs rather then it (and really it was selfishness that begat (sp) this kid)

 

In short I think they both were wrong, but I am not going to side with the woman and say that the man should take care of a kid he never wanted

[konfuzd]

For heaven's sake, this is a child we are talking about. A living, breathing human being... not a bicycle or some other material good!

 

I can not believe that you both would be so selfish as to bring a child into this world under some sort of verbal contract like this.

 

None the less, what do you plan on telling your child? Sure this 'arrangement' works alright when she is a baby, as you don't have to explain things to the child. She is going to reach an age where she asks questions, wants daddy to take her to her ballet class, and deal with life's obsticles. This guy is a jerk, bringing a child into this world essentially to shut you up, and you are not better manipulating him to give you what you want.

 

Go seek some professional help... this is a recipe for disaster.

[Pink_Tulip]

If the OP's husband married her without telling her that he NEVER wanted children, then he did her a disservice. If he bargained with her to keep her in the marriage, knowing that she would leave him rather that forego the experience of parenthood, there again....he has done her a disservice. Better that he had not strayed from his decision if it was that important to him.

 

They are equally guilty in making this bad bargain. If they want to stay together...I think they need to let each other off the hook and make a better deal.

 

My thoughts exactly. Anyone who has kids knows you have no clue how tough parenting is until you are actually doing it. I am sure the OP thought this would work. Likewise, I am sure her husband thought he was gonna get his cake and eat it too... a wife who would still take care of him, and a kid he got to do all the fun stuff with but not take any responsibility for. Heck, I'd sign up for that one too!

 

In marriage, NO deal is permanent. Both parties must always be flexible as things change. You both completely underestimated how much a child would change your life, and now you have to rework your arrangement for the benefit of everyone involved, especially that child.

 

Marriage counseling is a must. You must go NOW, before you build even greater resentment and your marriage becomes unfixable. And as many women on here will tell you, it is better to be healthy and alone, than sick and together. Don't let this drag on too much longer.

[justmeagain]

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. The damage is done for your child already in the fact that he did not attend the birth. How will your child feel about this when old enough to understand. When you have a child, you need to sacrifice for the child. Leave the man before your child suffers any further emotional abuse. Otherwise, you are equally to blame for your child's emotional problems that are bound to arise from a parent being so bluntly uncaring towards her.