Husband Refuses To Sell The House

[a4a]

I am just irritated about this so forgive the rant and negative post. ( I do not talk to my H like this, so no need to label me as a bitch, this is a partial rant)

 

I hate this damn house! He refuses to sell it and look for another, or even to talk about it. It was his home when we first met. It is way too small and lacks bones. 3 bedroom 2 bath without one point of interest in the whole damn thing. He does agree to this and chats about a huge addition for the back of it, blowing out the ceilings and putting beams up ect ect ect.

 

The damn house looks like a brick pumping station in my view. Don't get me wrong many people are impressed by the house and beautiful property. However I will say that this is not my type of house. I feel trapped without soaring ceilings and the space to properly entertain. It has gotten to the point that I don't even care to clean the house because in my mind it is like living in a storage unit. (our/his house is actually spotless most the time but I don't have any pride in this home at all)

 

The clincher here is I am considering selling my property, which the money could be used for:

1. investing in more real estate (separate from this home)

2. put towards buying a nicer home with the proceeds of the sale of this one.

3. Used to remodel/ gut and rebuild (basic total burn needed) this house.

 

I have close to 20 years exp. in buying and selling homes. Gutting and remodeling homes....... this home does not have the layout or structure to do so properly. It needs to be updated and put on the market in my view, it would be some families dream home.......but for me it is like living in a big brown brick box........ it is depressing as all hell. I have already invested thousands of dollars of my own in pastures and new barns are on the way... but I really do not think that it is a good investment. Unless he expects to live and die here, if so resale is not important.

 

What the hell do I do to convince him that his sentimental attachment to this house in not in the best interest for us?

 

We will never get the money out of it if the changes are made, nor can we increase the 14 acres it sits on, I need more acreage.

 

I bust my ass just like he does..... and it is my money being thrown into our living quarters. Why does he just shut me off on the decision to continue to live here and how we spend the proceeds of the sale of my property?

 

(please don't bother to tell me I am lucky to have a home, or home is where the heart is........ it is not if you cannot stand the damn thing)

 

a4a

[Touche]

Well let me ask this. Did you discuss this before you got married? And if so, how did that conversation go?

 

When I met my husband, he had a house that he bought with his ex-wife. She had only lived in it one year before they separated and she bought a condo. He kept the house. When we were engaged, he told me that as much as he was attached to this house, he'd look with me for another one where there was no history of an ex-wife living there.

 

I laughed because the house has the most wonderful view, privacy, etc. etc. And NOTHING had been done to it. It was the "big, brown box" you described. I saw it as a big blank canvas to do with as I wished. I made it mine. I made it ours.

 

But, in your case it sounds like you don't want to put more money into it. And you should NOT live in a house that is not "you." Is your husband open to even looking at other properties? What does he say?

 

Are you sure you can't turn it into what you want and just stay? Is there a chance of adding on to the property by buying adjacent acreage?

[Walk]

Other then his sentimental attachment to the house, why does your H love it so much? Is it the "manly" aspect of the brick box, or does he like the "cosy" feeling? (Boxed in)

 

I think the cost aspect of remodeling is the wrong approach. Doesn't really sound as if he has too much desire to remodel it anyway. (may have read too much into your post) And it makes it sound as if your using it as an excuse to move. Every house needs work or remodeling to some degree. So the cost would be there no matter what.

 

You'd need to find out what he may want that he's not getting where you're living now. Like land, a view, shorter commute, less neighbors... Not sure what you have/don't have where you're at now. And once you know what would draw him away from this house, then you could appeal more to what he also wants.

 

Or... get him in bed, and while having sex ask if the two of you can sell the house. Bet he says yes. haha j/k.

[Walk]

Also, this statement below...

What the hell do I do to convince him that his sentimental attachment to this house in not in the best interest for us?

What is his interest in moving? He should want to move to make you happy, but what is he getting out of it? What does he really want or need that he doesn't get where you're currently living?

[Touche]

"What the hell do I do to convince him that his sentimental attachment to this house in not in the best interest for us?"

 

Just wanted to go into this a little more. Specifically what I would do, and I touched on this in my previous post, is to look at properties that you will be able to afford if this house was sold.

 

Go online and check it out. Save the viable ones to your computer and SHOW him what you can afford if he would agree to sell the house. Maybe the alternatives would excite him more than what you already have. I'd concentrate on ones maybe that have certain features that he would like and does not now have with the property you're currently living in.

 

I guess I'd act like it's a "done deal." Like there's no question that it's going to happen and it's just a matter of picking and choosing the new place. See what i'm saying? Don't even leave it up for questioning.

 

I know I'm going to get flak for that approach but many times it works. I'd take the lead and hope he follows. If he sees the difference in what you have now versus what you may be able to afford, and I'm assuming that it will be an upgrade, he may change his mind. But you've got to actually SHOW him with pictures and descriptions. Just telling him you can have better won't be enough.

 

Try it and see...you have nothing to lose.

[Touche]

That's funny, Walk. We were posting at the same time and hit on the same point. That is to find out what he DOESN'T like about this house (and property) and find ones that address that. That's how you will be able to change his mind. Focusing on what YOU don't like isn't getting you anywhere now, so focus instead on what HE doesn't like about it and go from there.

[a4a]

Well let me ask this. Did you discuss this before you got married? And if so' date=' how did that conversation go?[/quote']

 

We had a long discussion about which property we would live at. My property actually has more value for resale as commercial property and that was my original reason for the purchase to eventually sell it and reap in the cash cow.

So the decision made sense to both of us to move to his home, eventually sell the other place once the cash cow was ready for slaughter.

 

When I met my husband, he had a house that he bought with his ex-wife. She had only lived in it one year before they separated and she bought a condo. He kept the house. When we were engaged, he told me that as much as he was attached to this house, he'd look with me for another one where there was no history of an ex-wife living there.

 

That does not apply here..... H did not even date for 4 years....only him here.

But this is his first "country home" which was a long time dream of his.

 

 

 

But, in your case it sounds like you don't want to put more money into it. And you should NOT live in a house that is not "you." Is your husband open to even looking at other properties? What does he say?

 

He just comes up with excuses why we should not bother to look. He is not into change at all. He chatted about buying the property across the street and building but still wants to keep this house..... SHEEESH! WTF? Building across the street will never happen...... I cannot afford the 250 acres of pine trees sitting there LOL!

 

Are you sure you can't turn it into what you want and just stay? Is there a chance of adding on to the property by buying adjacent acreage

 

If we put the money into this house to fix it it would mean a total gut on the inside, additions, and tons of back breaking work. I don't think the money put in could ever be recouped if we were to do things the way I want to. I would be adding on an additional 1500 sq feet to fit the things in that I am used to having and want. Adjacent acerage is not up for sale nor will be in our lifetime. I need about 30-40 acres. H did not even bother to negotiate the asking price on this home.... just went for it. grrrrrrrrrr! Not good business sense....although I will say he looked for a home in this state for about 3 years before moving from his home state.

 

This is not just about me having my Martha Home......this is about having good business sense as well.

[a4a]

That's funny' date=' Walk. We were posting at the same time and hit on the same point. That is to find out what he DOESN'T like about this house (and property) and find ones that address that. That's how you will be able to change his mind. Focusing on what YOU don't like isn't getting you anywhere now, so focus instead on what HE doesn't like about it and go from there.[/quote']

 

 

You see that is the problem..... not only am I sick of the house but all he does is complain about it too! Needs an update remodel in its current condition. It is valued at $40,000 more than what he paid about 4 years ago.

But is dated...... He bitches about not enough room..... the house is only about 2,000 sq ft maybe 2200.... The layout is just retarded. For example the kitchen is large but the layout even in a remodel will not work out.... it would need an addition to make it flow properly.

 

I am in limbo right now....... I should have had the gardens started, the new fence up, but I just don't even want to bother. The thing looks like a giant brick turd ....... all brown...... top to bottom..... I hate brown brick...... I think it would be an outstanding rental but I don't think we could get $1,200 a month in rent in this area on a long term lease...... and H said he would not want people in his house .... WTF? He is so attached to it, and I cannot figure out why because he bitches about the house too. I do not want to put that much money into the house..... we would only get about 60% back on a total remodel that would be needed. I told him if it burned to the ground I would do the happy dance!

[Touche]

Ok, but I just want to hone in one thing you said here. You said that you agreed to move into his home when you got married. Was there any talk at that time about selling that home at a future time? Or did you just agree to stay there? If you agreed to stay there it's going to be a hard sell (no pun intended.) Not impossible but you'll have your work cut out for you in trying to convince him to sell...but you knew that part already, didn't you?

 

And what did you think about the suggestions to hone in on what he doesn't like and concentrate on looking for properties that address those issues?

[whichwayisup]

Just keep discussing it with him. I think he's so settled and comfortable, he may be scared of change. All the stresses of moving, finding another house, new neighbours, different area...So, maybe in his mind, it's easy just to stay put and deal with the headaches of this current house.

 

Maybe suggest to him lightly, how fun it could be if you guys "just" went to afew open houses to see what else is out there...Doing this slowly may help him see that moving is a good thing.

 

We all get attached to houses. But, sooner or later circumstances change and moves have to be made...If he can't justify it, other than "I'm attached and love this house..." then he needs to take a step back and DO what is right for the whole family.

[whichwayisup]

Oh and another thing, if he was offered the job of a lifetime, I'm betting he would have NO problem selling. More money, great benefits...

 

People move all the time. Just because you moved into his house when you got married doesn't mean it's carved in stone that you'll live there forever.

[Touche]

You see that is the problem..... not only am I sick of the house but all he does is complain about it too! Needs an update remodel in its current condition. It is valued at $40,000 more than what he paid about 4 years ago.

But is dated...... He bitches about not enough room..... the house is only about 2,000 sq ft maybe 2200.... The layout is just retarded. For example the kitchen is large but the layout even in a remodel will not work out.... it would need an addition to make it flow properly.

 

I am in limbo right now....... I should have had the gardens started, the new fence up, but I just don't even want to bother. The thing looks like a giant brick turd ....... all brown...... top to bottom..... I hate brown brick...... I think it would be an outstanding rental but I don't think we could get $1,200 a month in rent in this area on a long term lease...... and H said he would not want people in his house .... WTF? He is so attached to it, and I cannot figure out why because he bitches about the house too. I do not want to put that much money into the house..... we would only get about 60% back on a total remodel that would be needed. I told him if it burned to the ground I would do the happy dance!

 

 

Ok, I saw this after I posted last. That's crazy that he has so many complaints but yet refuses to sell. Show him what you COULD have and see if he changes his mind. Let him slowly get used to the idea of letting go of this property by showing him others. It might not happen overnight but I believe you can sway him given the fact that there are issues, in his mind, with the current house.

 

By the way, you CAN paint brick. My mom's house also was brown brick, which she hated, so she had it painted grey and the trim is black. Looks great!

[a4a]

Ok, but I just want to hone in one thing you said here. You said that you agreed to move into his home when you got married. Was there any talk at that time about selling that home at a future time? Or did you just agree to stay there? If you agreed to stay there it's going to be a hard sell (no pun intended.) Not impossible but you'll have your work cut out for you in trying to convince him to sell...but you knew that part already, didn't you?

 

And what did you think about the suggestions to hone in on what he doesn't like and concentrate on looking for properties that address those issues?

 

Yes I did agree to it after a long protest of how the house did not suit my needs or desires. But selling my property makes a hell of a lot more business sense, and looking for a new home and moving 40 plus animals and prepping a new home with equine facilities was just about impossible. This house needs curb appeal installed before it goes up for sale..... and some updating to get the biggest buck...... working on some of that now. It is not going to happen within the year........however decisions need to be made to add on, just spruce up, or bulldoze it. < my ideal thing.....bulldoze it>

 

I have totally expressed my dislike for this house. I feel like it is just a place to take a shower....... my only thought is to build a huge barn on this property with a living loft above and end up out there.

 

I also want a swimming pool..... no sense in that if we are going to sell...of course this current home could pass for a brick cabana LOL!

 

I am thinking that this has something more to do with him and a battle of wills. He just screwed up a deal on a truck because he got pissy over the offer...... totally ignored my advice when he asked for it......then the deal bottomed out.

 

He then had the balls to tell me that he is tired of making decisions for me.

WTF? I said "well good, because I have decided to sell the house!" LMAO!

I have no idea where this line of BS came from.

 

I feel like banging my head against this brick turd of a house or banging his head against it. I have speced a house out that by doing some of the work ourselves would match my desires and his.......cost: $278,000.....property and homes are cheap here in the South. Property would probably be about $70,000 30- 40 acres. Includes modest landscape but no pool......or could buy an old farm house and remodel much cheaper.

[kitten chick]

hehe, people here think my place is huge and it's less than 600 sq feet. Sorry, I know this is bothering you a4a and you're frustrated but anyone from a city would fall to the floor if they heard someone say 2000 square feet is too small. I guess that wasn't too helpful sorry

[a4a]

Oh no never allowed to paint the brick....... hell no! No fake stone (real looking stuff) on it either.... Mr. perfection will not allow that!

 

I should go get a gallon of pink paint and throw it on the front corner

 

This house has no bones...... no character.

 

H would not move if he was given dream home...... he lived in his last home for his entire life until now. Which is good he sticks to things (like me), but I cannot imagine that he will ever let go of this house without some sort of a serious emotional break down.

 

It is like he bought a tree house but thinks it can be the taj mahal. The structure is not there to do so, unless we spend the same/more amount it would cost to just build or buy the proper home.

[a4a]

hehe, people here think my place is huge and it's less than 600 sq feet. Sorry, I know this is bothering you a4a and you're frustrated but anyone from a city would fall to the floor if they heard someone say 2000 square feet is too small. I guess that wasn't too helpful sorry

 

Yeah but you don't have to mow the front yard with a New Holland tractor for an hour either........ I kinda miss the city life because less work. More input on smaller spaces, mainly yards. Both have their benefits. Hey nobody is holding you prisoner in that 600 sq ft place are they? :p

[hotgurl]

kitten chick I was thinking the same thing.

 

We just bought a house 2000 sq ft and it's huge! our apt was 800 sq st.

 

sorry a4a. I know with your business you have different needs than most families.

 

You know my only advice would be to wait beofre you sell your property not even a month ago your were ready to walk. Maybe his digging in his heels has less to do with the house and more to do with your relationship. Is he passive aggresive at all?

[kitten chick]

Yeah but you don't have to mow the front yard with a New Holland tractor for an hour either........ I kinda miss the city life because less work. More input on smaller spaces, mainly yards. Both have their benefits. Hey nobody is holding you prisoner in that 600 sq ft place are they? :p

Define prisoner Well at least you don't have cockroaches the size of your pets. Yes, I agree that in some ways it's definitely easier to live in the city, like when everyone else is shoveling 2 feet of snow. Then again I have to walk everywhere in that 15 degree weather, uphill both ways, with that 2 feet of snow, trucks creating titlewaves of blackened slush while all of the 'burbanites just walk out to their driveway and hop in their little cars and are on their way. Let's all just run away

[a4a]

Is he passive aggresive at all?

 

No right now he is just an a**h***!

 

He has made a list of things to work on for himself. (TATERISMS)

I would not label him at all as PA. He is a good guy.... of course he has been on his own for so long sharing and team work is alien to him.

[quankanne]

Why does he just shut me off on the decision to continue to live here and how we spend the proceeds of the sale of my property?

 

after reading through all your ranting, the answer boils down to the original post, in which you point out "It was his home when we first met." Your husband, being the typical country boy, prolly hates the idea of not getting good use out of something you already have, even if it's not working well. Why pay money for a new, improved item if you've got something that'll work just as well? He may bellyache and kvetch about his home, but the bottom line is that it's his first home, and he's not interested in giving it up because he really doesn't have a problem with it.

 

which sucks when you want something less depressing (I completely get the not wanting to live in a place that doesn't work for you, that doesn't even have the potential to be close to what you're hoping for).

 

you've got some options: pitch a major hissy and tell him that you want a different home immediately; suck it up and live in brown brick hell; go the remodeling route; or start researching other properties and come up with a list of options that appeal to both of you, while preparing information about how selling this place would benefit your business and your personal lives. Hissy fit aside, these options are more of mid- to long-range plans.

 

on a personal note, don't give up your dream of a house you could be happy in, but understand that it's going to take time and research to convince your man that you're better off in a new place. We lived in an apartment for 11 years, and while my husband griped about the money we "lost" by paying rent all those years because it could have gone toward purchasing a house, he balked when it came down to the actual purchase of the house we live in now. Like your hubby, mine did not like the idea of change, even though change was for better. Now, you'd never know that it wasn't HIS idea to get this house! :laugh:

 

good luck, a ...

[hotgurl]

I was just wondering. Becaise form your previous postds it seemed like he doesn't have the best commincation skills and maybe the house is more like a power stuggle or a symbol of his bachelorhood than just a house.

 

I know what your saying though my bf is 46 and he spent many years alone it is hard to change thier habits and thinking to include someone else.

[a4a]

I was just wondering. Becaise form your previous postds it seemed like he doesn't have the best commincation skills and maybe the house is more like a power stuggle or a symbol of his bachelorhood than just a house.

 

I know what your saying though my bf is 46 and he spent many years alone it is hard to change thier habits and thinking to include someone else.

 

ehhh. Quak... he is a city slicker Yankee moved to live the country dream in the South. He now has a weird fascination with chickens and other farm things (like me: horse trainer). < humm I am part of the little house on the prarie dream for him?>

 

His communication skills suck, as I told him it is like talking to a brick. Of course he has stated that not one person in his life has ever spoken to him in depth about anything.

 

Not a power struggle about his bachelorhood, he is so into being married. He probably already has plans in his head to build us rocking chairs for the front porch wave at the cars when they drive by :lmao: sip sweet tea and mint julips

 

I think it is because the house was part of his dream plan......perhaps that is why it is so hard to even think about change, unless it is his idea to do so.

 

I tell ya I got so mad this morn I called him on the cell, I rarely do that. But he is not being considerate of what I want at all, or for that matter what I need......... sounds like the TATER is about to sprout again

 

I did tell him I think he is self centered and only thinks of himself a good majority of the time. What the hell about our financial future?

[hotgurl]

well I'll tell you what I did my BF went on forever about wanting a house but never really did anything about it so I started looking at listing and book a few showing and kinda just told him we were going and drove him there surprise.

 

But then he got really into it. I still took us a year and over 30 house to find one we liked.

 

My BF is a slow mover so I have to light a fire under his a$$ a lot.

 

But we have good communtication skills and are able to comprimise pretty well. The house was a comprimise for both of us. HE got a bigger one than her wanted and I moved to the country. It's 9 acres 2000 sq feet a 2 car garage with a room over it. I saw oxen on our road yesterday.

 

But for you it is also your business that you have to take into consideration. Have you brought that up at all. how it would benefit your business and relationship.

 

Older men are so stubborn!

[Walk]

My exH wanted us to buy a new house a year into our marriage. I owned the house we were living in, had sentimental attachment to me, and I didn't want to get rid of it.

 

He spent a huge amount of time researching different houses, prices, and components I would desire in a house. It irritated the crap out of me at times, and I balked like hell. But I became reluctantly excited by the prospect of a new house, and in the end was gung-ho about it.

 

I hate change, hate moving, and hate the problems that come with new houses. So it took a lot of work on his part to get me to accept it would be a good thing.

 

Don't give up, and I wouldn't recommend calling him self-centered. Though maybe he'll see it as a wake up call. But you may have to do a lot of the work on your own until you can infect him with the enthusiasm to move. It won't happen over night.

 

My last thought is.. to hell with him. You need land!!!! This is your dream, right? I tried for years to convince my H we needed to buy the adjacent acreage so I could bring my horse home, and never could. Wish I'd been more adamant on the issue and not given in so easily. Don't give up, and don't lose your patience. As frustrating as this must be for you...

[a4a]

well I'll tell you what I did my BF went on forever about wanting a house but never really did anything about it so I started looking at listing and book a few showing and kinda just told him we were going and drove him there surprise.

 

But then he got really into it. I still took us a year and over 30 house to find one we liked.

 

My BF is a slow mover so I have to light a fire under his a$$ a lot.

 

But we have good communtication skills and are able to comprimise pretty well. The house was a comprimise for both of us. HE got a bigger one than her wanted and I moved to the country. It's 9 acres 2000 sq feet a 2 car garage with a room over it. I saw oxen on our road yesterday.

 

But for you it is also your business that you have to take into consideration. Have you brought that up at all. how it would benefit your business and relationship.

 

Older men are so stubborn!

 

Well I just did a comparsion on real estate.... looks like this house is worth about $225,000 plus. I cannot believe that their are double wide trailer houses going for $176,000 on just 6 acres in the area...... unreal.... prices have shot up since I last looked. Not one house for sale in our immediate area though.....

thinking by the time we spruce up the place and a little curb appeal could get more out of it???

 

People slam on the brakes out here to stop and look at the animals.... it is funny as hell..... now my H will want oxen too. Camel is on the way LOL!