37andConfused Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 guys, how much would it bother if one of your wife's past relationships was with a black man (wife's white) and it was mostly physical? I've been married 10 years now with 3 kids and it STILL bothers me sometimes. In the beginning, I thought I could just move past it. I did for a while. But lately her sex drive is going down (esp. since we have 3 kids - 8,6, and 2). Now the old resentful thoughts are resurfacing - Somedays, I keep envisioning her having wild sex with him, etc. The feelings are so strong that I really want to just take a break and get away for a while. But I can't imagine doing this because of the kids. Irrational, I know. But it is what it is. I'm 37, she's 43 - so neither of us are kids. More than advice, I'm just trying to get a feel for whether I'm alone in feeling this way, or would othe guys have a problem too. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 Truthfully, I would have a problem if my wife had had a "mostly sex" relationship with any man and now she is having problems with me sexually. I don't think color would affect it either way. Now to the question. I can somewhat relate. I remember when we were dating 17 yrs ago, my wife made a comment how black men have such cute butts. And yes, she thought mine was, too. (Oh, I am white, so is she). But that still sticks with me. I don't think it is racist, because I think I would feel that way if she said black haired guys have better complexions. Analyze why you feel that way. Has she ever made any comments that you remember that may get you feeling a bit insecure? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 But lately her sex drive is going down (esp. since we have 3 kids - 8,6, and 2 You explained why there. You try having 3 kids, and see how sexual you feel. Your hormones aren't the same, your body isn't the same, you're loose and saggy in places you never thought you'd be! Talk to her and tell her that you LOVE her, that you desire her. Make her feel wanted and special. That will go a long way...If she isn't feeling sexy or good about herself then she isn't going to be having sex. All of this is in your head Confused. IT isn't about you. Trust me, she is NOT thinking of her past sexual relationships, that is not it. Link to post Share on other sites
tweldy Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 What does black have anything to do with this? Would you be totally cool about the whole thing if the relationship was with a Chinese guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 Are you southern by any chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 37andConfused Posted March 16, 2006 Author Share Posted March 16, 2006 Good question, tweldy. I don't know the answer to that one. I do know that she's had about 3 or 4 other real 'relationships' and those don't bother me in the least. it just so happens that none of them are black. I do know that a lot of interracial relationships are portrayed as white women being submissive to black men. maybe that's why the black/white thing bothers me. JamesM - she has never said anything to make me feel insecure. that's why i'm agonizing over this. why am i even thinking about what she did with who before she met me? The whole thing started when i was staying over her house the second time, he called her in the middle of the night and she quickly hung up on him. She explained to me that he would call her in the middle of the night sometimes for phone sex after he got off work. As far as i know, he never called after that. Later, while moving houses, i came across a sexually explicit letter that he had written to her. Probably not the best way to start off in a relationship, i guess. I thought I could move past this and I did for many years (had it swept under the rug, i guess). Then when the sex started slown, i started getting resentful - she gave away something for nothing in return to him...but not to me, even though i have built a life with her. over the last few months, it has reached a point where i'm starting to obsess over this - i'm thinking these types of thoughts for hours upon hours. I picture them having sex, etc. absolutely, completely unhealthy and i'm wondering if i should go get help to clear my head. because i also realize that this is not about her, but about me. any suggestions on what type of doctor can help me break this cycle of thinking? In the very beginning of our relationship, I mentioned to her that it bothered me, but then swept it under the rug. Ever since this cycle of thought started in my head, i have not sat down with her and explained to her how much it is bothering me again. Link to post Share on other sites
ddnnee Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 black men can widen the relationship while chinese barely dents? In your position, I would be bothered to know if my wife had ANY previous relationship based solely on physics/sex regardless of race. It makes me think the wild girl had her fun time and then settled down for a "nice guy" at the end. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 Her past is her PAST! Each of you men had previous girlfriends, or girls you probably just had sex with, and not a serious relationship, so why are you all freaking out because she has a sexual past? Get over it and stay in the NOW, the present time which counts alot more than the past. Geez... Link to post Share on other sites
carmaenforcer Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 I'm with WWIU on this one. I am Puerto Rican (Latin) and my Wife is Mexican but she looks like a white girl. Light brown hair green eyes really pale pink skin. I personally have never had to worry about my lovers ex-lovers because I am happy with what I have down there. Supposedly my Wife's ex didn't have much to offer, according to her BGF. I knew this might have been the case by the "comment" she made when she saw/felt my mini me for the first time. I do have my insecurity regarding my woman's past and her preference in men though. Like I told you she looks like a white girl and she grew up in a mostly white area. 98% of her friends were guys, and all her friends are white and her ex was white. I catch her fixed on white guys with her eyes all the time and so I know that she is still a bit hung up on the blue eyed blonde hair types, Paul walker style dudes, I'm not that at all. Even though I know I'm a good looking guy and have nothing to worry about in the bed room, I still trip. I have insecurities revolving around my SO's past and her possible attraction towards something that I am not and never can be. But hey, what can you do, just hope that she loves you enough to stay with you for whatever reasons she fell in love with you in the first place, what makes you, you. No other guy can beat that. Trust me, my wife claims to have never had a more pleasurable sex partner and I make sure that she is well taken care of, but I still deal with the incompatible libido problem from time to time, and we have no kids to blame it on, yet. That's just women (some/most women's) sex drives and complexities. Don't take it personal and if you feel like you might be lacking in the lower department, you know there are other things you can do to make your woman experience with you not just a pleasurable but also a memorable one. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 yeah, I guess I would be bothered. It's got nothin' to do with color. It's about 'it' being totally physical back then. Communication is very important in this case, so bring up your issues with her. Gawd, she's yer wife, tell her... there's no shame in that. Link to post Share on other sites
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