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What is my problem?


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37andConfused

Been married 11 years. I'm 37, wife is 43. Three kids - 8,6,2. My wife has always been very "stoic" in her personality - not a the type of person who offers spontaneous hugs or grabs me and places a wet smack on my lips, etc. Just very steady. OVerall, she's a good mother. We have also been working together for about 6 years - we started a company together.

 

We generally average sex about twice a week now. Last year, it was going down toward once a week. and I have a HUGE sex drive. So I brought it up with her and its gotten a bit better since.

 

So far so good. So what's the problem you ask? I just want more passion and spontaneity from my wife on a daily basis. Not just sexually, but in other ways too. For example, while watching a movie, she doesn't snuggle up to me. I have to bring her in. In most of the pictures we take together, she never leans into me, just stands next to me, unless I put my hand around her and bring her close.

 

I've mentioned it to her a couple of times, that I would like her to do more spontaneous stuff and be more warm - she changes for a short time, but then goes back to her old self. Most nights, we just do a quick peck before bed. Usually don't bother to say I Love You to each other. A few months ago, I told her that I would like to receive an email or something from her once in a while just saying I love you or something silly. She did it once or twice. but that's it.

 

I realize that a lot of people would kill to have a steady, stoic wife who doesn't drink or smoke or fight with me. But these little things are driving me nuts. I am such a naturally touchy feely person that I would love to be with a woman who wants to be held and hugged and loves to snuggle up to me. But I don't want to keep bringing up this type of stuff to her.

 

I love my kids and wouldn't want anything to happen to them, but it's getting to a point where I am starting to resent her. everytime she doesn't kiss me or say I love you when it's natural to do so, it really bothers me. Some nights, I have a tough time falling asleep, wondering if I should just separate for a while, but stay close by for the kids. Other times, I tell myself to adjust my expectations and be happy with what i have.

 

oh well....

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Well, there is something to be said for adjusting your expectations. Does your wife respond to your warm gestures? In other words, if you pull her close, does she nestle against you, or does she pull away? If it is the former, then I would suggest living with it, since you usually can get some of what you need - i.e. touching - despite your disappointment in always being the initiator. If she pulls away frequently, then the problem is bigger.

 

I would suggest that you read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis and also His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. Quick summary of the books: It's not OK for a married person to feel starved of sex and physical affection in their marriage - it can destroy the marriage. Each partner has his or her own specific needs - which are likely quite different - and the best way to get one's own needs met is to do a great job meeting the other person's needs, and also ask for what you want.

 

Please don't neglect the step of telling your wife that this issue is so important for you, it has led you to consider separation. That will be a hard conversation to have, and I think it is information she needs to have available to her.

 

Good luck!

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