Husband thinks he's gay.

[snickerdoodle]

I posted this thread at the end of last year, in case anyone wants some background on my situation.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t73868/

 

I found out about a year ago that my husband had a gay sexual experience when he was about 20 years old (he's 27 now). It kind of caught me off guard, but he said it was just experimenting, that he didn't like it, and that it was a one time thing only. I didn't even know him when it happened. I believed him and decided to just forget about it - after all, I smoked pot a few times in college, I figured most people experiment with something at one time or another.

 

Fast forward to now. We've been getting along okay for the last 2-3 months. I talked about counseling last year but we never went. I decided a few weeks ago to go see a counselor on my own after I started having panic attacks. I also told my husband we should try marriage counseling and he agreed to it. I had my first individual session this morning and we're scheduled for marriage couseling next week.

 

I came home this evening and told my husband I wanted to talk about our expectations with the counseling. He actually seemed upset that I was not diagnosed with depression or anxiety and that I had not been prescribed medication! Apparently he thought that if the problem was with me, then couples counseling wouldn't be necessary.

 

Then, the shocker - he started to cry and told me he thinks he is gay. He has been looking at gay porn for about a decade, he has been thinking a lot about sex with men, and he didn't want to tell me - but figured that he should before we actually went into counseling together next week. He isn't sure if he's bisexual or homosexual, but he knows he isn't 100% straight because he's been having sexual feelings toward males since puberty. And the "one time" thing in his youth? That was actually about 6-7 times, all with the same guy. I don't believe that he has cheated on me since we've been married and he says that he hasn't. We are not religious at all so there aren't many taboos with us, we're both pretty open people for the most part.

 

This revelation explains a lot about our problems, obviously. However, I don't hate him or dislike him. I want him to see a counselor on his own to help him figure out what is going on because he is very distressed over this. I don't think I'm the best person to be advising him on this matter, and he doesn't want to talk to his friends or family about it (and I can't blame him there). He says I'm the only person he has ever told about his orientation and that he's always hidden it because he is ashamed. I tried to be supportive but at the same time I have my own hurt feelings so it is difficult. Thank goodness there are no children involved here.

 

I cannot stay with a gay man! It seems that he is too scared and vulnerable at this point to even think about what is going to happen, in regards to himself or us. I realize he needs to take care of himself because he is totally freaked out about coming out, and I realize that he will need me for support so he can get this sorted out. But you know what? I really, really hope he's bisexual. Maybe it doesn't make much sense to anyone else, but I could work through this and stay married if he's bi. I don't know how many of our past issues are really because he's been an ass, or because he's been trying to creat some "other" reason to push me to leave him because he was ashamed of telling me the truth. But if he is gay, then neither one of us is benefitting from the marriage. Either way, this whole situation is just surreal and I don't even know what I'm going to do - other than call my therapist in the AM and see if he can please fit me in.

 

Surely I can't be the only woman whose husband has come out to her!

[Outcast]

Nope. Definitely not. It's happened to others for sure. I'm one. It's good to see you're not furious at him or upset. I was the same - a man can't help being what he is.

 

It will be hard, of course, especially if he's gay and you do split up. Your marriage and your hopes for a future will all be gone. We decided we would not tell anybody at all until we sorted out how we would proceed. When we told people we were going to divorce, we insisted that nobody take sides or be upset and, for the most part, that's how it worked out, I'm glad to say.

 

It's great you're going to a counsellor; I hope it's not someone with anti-gay bias. And good luck in this!

[KonRyuu]

well, just because he wanks it to men, which is wierd by the way, he wasn't born gay, so, obviously it was something learned and he's just confused, it sounds more like to me that HE needs some counseling to figure out his sexuality rather than the two of you doing counseling together. How can you compare pot to homosexuality? That's strange.

 

Any conselation if you need any help on dealing with your panic attacks, my wife has them almost every single day, usually more than once, I'm sure she'd be more than happy to teach you some skills to help yourself deal with it. I wouldn't recommend getting on medication, most of the time the negatives far outweigh the positives when it comes to panic attack medication.

 

You know, sometimes pot can actually help with panic attacks? as long as you don't smoke too much.

 

Do you sometimes feel certain parts of your body going numb or tingly and have this fear of impending doom? If so, you are just like my wife as far as that goes.

[Lennox]

One thing I'd like to see you explore before you throw in the towel regarding his sexuality is his porn use. He very well may not be "gay" persay, but a porn/sex addict.

 

Porn addicts need more and more "exciting" and "different" porn in order to achieve a chemical reaction in the brain. Not much different than a drug addict needing a stronger drug to achieve the same result. Lots of straight porn addicts "graduate" to gay porn, bondage, and other types of porn that is not your average Playboy, Penthouse or even Hustler type of porn. This would typically be considered one of the later indications of porn/sex addiction...with erectile dysfunction and actual acting out of lurid fantasies in real life as the final steps in porn/sex addiction.

 

Prepare your heart to hear the worst if you go and see a qualified therapist that is specially trained in sexual addictions. It may very well turn out that he's gay and not a porn addict. But, I'd lay my bets on him being a porn/sex addict over him actually being gay. Make sure the therapist you choose is specially trained to diagnose sexual addictions! This is VERY important as you don't want him improperly told that he's gay when the whole root of the problem may be a porn/sexual addiction.

[Outcast]

, he wasn't born gay, so, obviously it was something learned and he's just confused, i

 

Yes, if he's gay he was born gay. He said

he's been having sexual feelings toward males since puberty

. Plus he's attracted to images of men, not women. Plus he's had a relationship with a man and his feelings haven't changed even though he's been fighting them for over a decade.

 

You can't turn yourself gay by looking at porn!!! It's not a phase, it's not a porn addiction. It's how he was made and he's fought it throughout his life. Some men fight it into their thirties or forties. Others maintain gay partnerships secretly while being married. There are clubs for gay married men who are keeping their relationships secret, in fact.

 

The Kinsey report and subsequent reports have concluded that there are actually not that many people who are exclusively heterosexual; there's a continuum.

 

Like your husband, mine thought he was just going through 'a phase' or that it was normal to have some gay leanings but that they would go away. They don't and they didn't. I guess it's hard for people who don't know any gay folks (that they know of) to conceive of but an awful lot of people who are gay first have trouble believing it and then later want it to go away or change because living gay in prejudiced society is so hard. You can't wish your sexuality away, though, and after years of pretending they aren't gay, eventually they come out.

[Mz. Pixie]

Wow, that's hard. I'm sorry that you're both going through this.

 

Outcast- I had no idea..........

 

Many gay people try to live straight lives, obviously because they are ashamed and want to conform. It's sad really. I have a close gay female friend, and although she's never been with men- she has many friends who have been married and divorced because they are gay and tried to live a straight life.

 

I seriously think this is probably one of the worst things you can experience, perhaps even more so than infidelity.......

 

To the other poster who said he wasn't born gay- YES HE WAS! For goodness sakes- why in the world would someone think that anyone would CHOOSE that lifestyle for themselves?? Because they know it's going to be hard to be openly gay. You've obviously not known many gay people or you would be more understanding.........

[blind_otter]

well, just because he wanks it to men, which is wierd by the way, he wasn't born gay, so, obviously it was something learned and he's just confused, it sounds more like to me that HE needs some counseling to figure out his sexuality rather than the two of you doing counseling together. How can you compare pot to homosexuality? That's strange.

 

You know, sometimes pot can actually help with panic attacks? as long as you don't smoke too much.

 

 

The two highlighted comments above are just. so. wrong. wrong and wrong...

 

Please no one try to smoke pot to medicate panic attacks that can be treated through CBT. Great idea, let me smoke a hallucinogen to make myself calm down. Admittedly when I was actively using I rationalized like this as well.

 

Homosexuality AFAIK is not usually a learned behavior, and there have been studies that demonstrate that certain neurobiological structures are shaped differently in those who prefer same-sex partnerships. The issue is that socially men find it inappropriate to express these types of feelings, and often find themselves trapped into an idea of what their lives should be. So a casualty of our sexually repressive society (some of the many casualties) is the woman who marries a closeted gay man.

 

Outcast - did you see Kinsey? That was some revolutionary stuff back then! I highly recommend it.

[whichwayisup]

You know, sometimes pot can actually help with panic attacks? as long as you don't smoke too much.

 

For some it may work, but I know for a fact it won't work for me. I DO have an anxiety disorder and smoking pot is the LAST thing I'd do as it gives me MORE anxiety! Don't need that, thanks!

 

If this man has been feeling urges of being with other men, he IS gay and has been all his life. He's just learned to live with a lie! Ofcourse he loves his wife, that is why it's so painful for him. They have a LIFE together!

 

I feel for you SD, but sadly you may have to let him go if his feelings for wanting to be with men don't go away. I'm sorry for your pain.

[KonRyuu]

That's not true, I've known some people to be straight, my aunt for one, she was straight all the way until she was 28 years old, then, she went away for a while, came back and was all of a sudden a full-blown lesbian, not attracted to ANY men.

 

She was this way for about 5-6 years. Now, she is married to a man and has a baby and doesn't think any more of females anymore. She thinks of that part of her life as a temporary lapse of good judgement, lol.

 

I also know this guy who, the first time he ever kissed a girl, when he was about 16 years old, it grossed him out so bad that he vomitted. He's one of those been gay's all my life kinda people. Just because her husband happened to experiment and enjoys the penis is just an obsession.

 

You know, back in the times of Alexander and all that, all men were either bi-sexual or gay? It was a natural thing, men slept with young boys. Men slept with men, in lust. Ever wonder why your G-Spot is in your anus? Because some guys like it in the butt.

[snickerdoodle]

I don't buy the argument that he wasn't born gay. I believe he was born liking men, and maybe liking women too. I don't believe people "turn gay" or "turn bi", or that it's a phase, or that he's been brainwashed by gay porn. It's part of who he is, just like the fact that I like guys is part of who I am. I compared his sexual experiments to my experiments with drugs - my drug use is something I wanted to try and see if I liked it, much as he described the times he'd been with men. I want to control my panic attacks without medication - including pot - and since pot makes me paranoid as hell, that's not a good idea. Not to mention my job has random drug testing and I like my job too much to get fired. Kinsey was a great movie, I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it.

 

Now, on to everything else.

If my DH sleeps with anyone else, that's not cool with me. Even if he is bisexual, I can't do an open marriage or allow any infidelity. So this whole relationship really does hinge on him and whatever conclusion he comes to - if he's bi, then he has to agree to stay committed only to our marriage, and realized that nothing will go on outside of the marriage. If not, then we can't stay together. From the way he was talking last night, it sounded like his desire to act on his feelings is strong, and for that reason alone, I feel like our marriage won't last. Maybe he'll surprise me, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

 

On a good note, I found a counselor who is very open to seeing people of all sexual orientations, and seems familiar with working with people in our situation. My husband will be going to her as a way for him to have an impartial audience - as I said, there is absolutely no one else he trusts with this matter, and I don't think I'm going to be a lot of help since I'm dealing with my own issues. I don't want him to go in hopes that it will "fix" him, but he needs someone to talk to, and I don't think I'm the best one for that right now (though I will support him as much as I can).

 

I'm ready to let him go if that's what it comes to. I know I didn't make him this way, and I know there's nothing wrong with me because of how he feels. It still sucks to feel like you're losing the person you love, though.

[blind_otter]

That's not true, I've known some people to be straight, my aunt for one, she was straight all the way until she was 28 years old, then, she went away for a while, came back and was all of a sudden a full-blown lesbian, not attracted to ANY men.

 

She was this way for about 5-6 years. Now, she is married to a man and has a baby and doesn't think any more of females anymore. She thinks of that part of her life as a temporary lapse of good judgement, lol.

 

I also know this guy who, the first time he ever kissed a girl, when he was about 16 years old, it grossed him out so bad that he vomitted. He's one of those been gay's all my life kinda people. Just because her husband happened to experiment and enjoys the penis is just an obsession.

 

You know, back in the times of Alexander and all that, all men were either bi-sexual or gay? It was a natural thing, men slept with young boys. Men slept with men, in lust. Ever wonder why your G-Spot is in your anus? Because some guys like it in the butt.

 

I was wondering what you experience in treating the sexually confused is, or where your research comes from other than anecdotal evidence, which isn't a good data set regardless.

 

Your aunt was not a lesbian, then again I don't consider myself a lesbian, either, even though I had a live-in relationship with a woman.

 

During the times of the Greek and Roman Empire, women were not considered "human" -- they were socially on par with a large child, and were considered mentally deficient. So men didn't believe it was possible to have love with a woman. It was a socio-cultural trend, and AFAIK has nothing to do with biology or innate sexual orientation.

 

But please do share your sources I would be interested in seeing if any such research exists.

[blind_otter]

I don't buy the argument that he wasn't born gay. I believe he was born liking men, and maybe liking women too. I don't believe people "turn gay" or "turn bi", or that it's a phase, or that he's been brainwashed by gay porn. It's part of who he is, just like the fact that I like guys is part of who I am. I compared his sexual experiments to my experiments with drugs - my drug use is something I wanted to try and see if I liked it, much as he described the times he'd been with men. I want to control my panic attacks without medication - including pot - and since pot makes me paranoid as hell, that's not a good idea. Not to mention my job has random drug testing and I like my job too much to get fired. Kinsey was a great movie, I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't seen it.

 

Now, on to everything else.

If my DH sleeps with anyone else, that's not cool with me. Even if he is bisexual, I can't do an open marriage or allow any infidelity. So this whole relationship really does hinge on him and whatever conclusion he comes to - if he's bi, then he has to agree to stay committed only to our marriage, and realized that nothing will go on outside of the marriage. If not, then we can't stay together. From the way he was talking last night, it sounded like his desire to act on his feelings is strong, and for that reason alone, I feel like our marriage won't last. Maybe he'll surprise me, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

 

On a good note, I found a counselor who is very open to seeing people of all sexual orientations, and seems familiar with working with people in our situation. My husband will be going to her as a way for him to have an impartial audience - as I said, there is absolutely no one else he trusts with this matter, and I don't think I'm going to be a lot of help since I'm dealing with my own issues. I don't want him to go in hopes that it will "fix" him, but he needs someone to talk to, and I don't think I'm the best one for that right now (though I will support him as much as I can).

 

I'm ready to let him go if that's what it comes to. I know I didn't make him this way, and I know there's nothing wrong with me because of how he feels. It still sucks to feel like you're losing the person you love, though.

 

You're a strong person, I respect and admire the way you're handling this difficult situation.

[Becoming]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's really tough for all concerned.

 

We have friends this happened with. He always wanted the good Catholic family, was an altar boy, married, had a child (my daughter's friend). He had suppressed his sexual orientation to the point where he had a hard time even admitting he might be gay. It all came out in marriage counselling.

 

Needless to say, he and xW divorced, but they are still close as friends and great parents. He supports his xW financially as she's going back to grad school.

 

Like him, she was devastated, but, like Outcast, understood and was supportive even as she was also in mourning.

 

They're both great people, which is what makes these kinds of things so tragic.

 

You are not alone. And you will get through this, though it doesn't feel like it right now.

[BlossomingMama]

I agree with BlindOtter you are a very strong woman. Good for you. I firmly believe that people are born with their sexual orientation. Hetero, Gay or Bi. I also think some people experiment. When the experiment becomes the only thing you want....then you find out what you were born with.

 

"

If my DH sleeps with anyone else, that's not cool with me. Even if he is bisexual, I can't do an open marriage or allow any infidelity. So this whole relationship really does hinge on him and whatever conclusion he comes to - if he's bi, then he has to agree to stay committed only to our marriage, and realized that nothing will go on outside of the marriage. If not, then we can't stay together. From the way he was talking last night, it sounded like his desire to act on his feelings is strong, and for that reason alone, I feel like our marriage won't last. Maybe he'll surprise me, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

 

I absolutely agree that cheating is cheating no matter what. Would you mind him continuing to look at gay porn? Or perhaps even be interesting in learning more about stimulating him in other ways sexually? Such as penetrating him, learning how to massage his prostate, etc? If you are really open minded and he is really only bi, then this might be a good compromise.

 

Just at thought.

[snickerdoodle]

Ladies and Gentlemen....we're getting a divorce.

 

Thank you for the compliments. I know in my heart that I'm strong enough to get through all this, but at the same time, I feel so out of control right now. There isn't anything I can do about the situation except accept it for what it is and try to move forward.

 

I'm glad California has the summary dissolution option. That will make things a lot easier for us, especially since we are not going through this and fighting over silverware or children (though I will be keeping our dogs).

 

He's pretty sure he's gay. He's still going to see the counselor to talk through some things, but he's 70% sure he's gay. And that's enough of a percentage for me to realize that this isn't a marriage I can be happy and thrive in - especially on top of all the other problems we were already having.

 

Like OutCast, we're not telling anyone why this is happening - just that we have been having our differences, and after 2 years of conflict, we're throwing in the towel. When he knows for sure about who he is, and he gives me the okay....that's when I may tell those closest to me about our situation. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to tell my parents that we're even getting a divorce in the first place. I now I don't owe them an explanation, but I can't get through this alone. I'll need them (and other family and friends) for things I used to relying on my husband for. It's hard just typing this, my stomach hurts and I don't feel very well. I guess one up side is that I'll probably lose a few pounds and get back to my svelte college weight.

 

Thank you all for listening, I really appreciate it.

[littlekitty]

Good luck and best wishes in all you do!

[Outcast]

It will be hard but, IMHO, if you have to divorce, it's the best reason - there's nothing you could do to help not being the right gender. You'll (I hope) not suffer the sef-doubt that, sadly, assails so many divorcees. If you have friends and family who are anti-gay, then it will be necessary to hide the real reasons but 'incompatibility' is a great term that covers many things.

 

Me, I say that my spouse and I were too much alike - we both liked men

[whichwayisup]

Outcast, it's cool that you can laugh abit now about your past. Wow, that must have been so painful to go through. I couldn't imagine if my hubby was gay all along and then one day I'd have to let him go. It would kill my heart.

 

I have to agree with Outcast too, if a divorce is to happen atleast you know it's not your fault, and as much as it will hurt, it isn't about love. He DOES love you, and always will.

[snickerdoodle]

He left this morning. My heart literally feels like it's breaking. I didn't think it would be so hard to see him go but it feels like part of me is dying. We had our problems, but despite all that, I really do love him. Now I'm sitting here in this big, empty house.....looking at all the stuff that used to be ours.....and it just feels like it's a dream, that he'll be back, that he's going to be walking through the door any minute and we'll have dinner and everything will be fine. But that's not true and I know it will take me a really long time to get over this - regardless of whether it was anyone's "fault" or not.

 

All that strength I had earlier feels like it was used up just to get me through the last few weeks with him, hashing out the divorce details, etc. Now that everything's done, I feel like there's nothing left in me to get me through this part of the process. Hopefully I'm wrong.

 

I wonder how long it will take me to feel normal again. Right now I just feel like staying in, watching movies and eating popcorn for at least the next month.

[whichwayisup]

I think if you feel up to this, you should consider therapy. Your whole life has changed, and NONE of it was your fault, no wrong doing...This has nothing to do with him not loving you - He does love you and always will ... I'm sure that is what makes this all so much harder.

 

It will take time, and right now you just have to take things day to day. Enjoy the good moments and let yourself grieve when you need to have a good cry.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this, it is a sad situation...

 

Please, keep posting, there are some wonderful people here who can help you. Maybe post in the coping section too.

 

Hugs.

[Lennox]

Wish there was something I could tell you that will comfort you, but you need to work out the hurt for now. That's regardless of the fact that there's no one to blame for this, it just is.

 

Treat yourself good. Go get that manicure and pedicure and spa treatments if you can. Get a new hair color and style that you've always wanted, but didn't have time to do. We've got a good winter season in So Cal right now, go to Mountain High and take a ski lesson or two if you don't know how to snow ski. Taking lessons can be a lot of fun in something you've always wanted to try but never did. *huggles*

[ministrychick77]

even before me and my hubby got married i knew he's bisexual. honestly, don't mind. we can both play with toys, check out other guys (even just to talk), and he knows i'm comfortable with it. he's told me what he's done before, and it's cool. i still know he's attracted to me, and that's all that matters.

 

but best of luck to you...

[JamesM]

Snickerdoodle, I am sorry for all of the pain that you must deal with. I hope that for you this will pass and a new door will open with great joy for your life.

 

I ask people here to look at ALL research with an unbiased mind regarding gays.

 

First, there is much research that shows that homosexuality may occur because of a childhood sexual abuse situation. Many, many "realize" they are gay after a situation involving someone who is older. Does this mean they fell into the situation because they were born that way?

 

Second, many never know of anything but feeling gay.

 

Third, some only realize they are gay after viewing alot of gay porn. Did the porn cause it? Or did it make it "real" in their mind?

 

Fourth, Kinsey's report has been proven to have many flaws for good research. This has been stated by many who agree and disagree with him. Many of his samples used were gotten with the help of a pediophile...fact. This pediophile provided him with much research regarding children and sex..yuck. Thus it was biased toward children. The ten percent number was based mostly on his sample which involved a large proportion of people from prison and the gay community. Many of Kinsey's research involved information obtained from the gay community. It also used many samples of prisoners and college students. Very very people from the mainstream public (ie. middle aged, working class, or profession white collar) volunteered to be used in his research, hence the lack of this category of people. (The movie took many liberties with the truth).

 

Fifth, homosexuality cannot be chosen for the most part. No one would want to do so. However, to say that no one can choose that lifestyle cannot be true. The logic that says if you choose it, you must have been born that way, or if you were born that way, you must be denying it...is circular logic. But I did not choose to be heterosexual, so logic says I cannot choose to be homosexual.

 

Sixth, many homosexuals have left the lifestyle. Does this mean they are in denial? Or does this mean they were not born gay? If not born gay, then they must have chosen to be gay...but that can't be...correct.

 

Seventh, there has also been much research that shows that gay tendencies are not simply a gene. Logic again shows that this gene would not last. If the human race started with the gene, eventually, it would disappear. If it is genetic, then there would be "pools" with more than others. Does this also indicate why many pediophiles are priests? Is this genetic? Again, this will not exist long if it is genetic.

 

I find this "field" interesting, because very few people look at it without preformed opinions. The assumptions made are based on how society as a whole did or does view the facts.

 

Again, I am sorry for your situation, snickerdoodle. I believe that you have not only handled it very well, but that your solution is probably the best in the long run. Your husband may never be able to love you as you deserve. I have a friend who did the same thing to his wife. His wife is happily remarried. He is happily living with a guy. However, the sad part is that three girls now have a split family to live with for their whole life.

[CrashIntoMe]

Good luck, its probably for the best in the long run. Plus you get to keep the dogs! ^-^

[insomnie]

Snickerdoodle, I really, really respect they way you are handling the situation. You are so strong. Even though I am sure he loves you, you deserve much, much more from a marriage. In the meantime....think that at least he came out sooner than later!

 

On the topic of homosexuality and whether it is learned or born with....there are gay and straight people who will argue both ways and in the end I don't think that it matters. What are we arguing, anyway? Which part is learned? Attraction, or "lifestyle"? There are straight people who have gay sex, gay people who have straight sex... and everything in between. Lifestyle certainly is a choice...you can choose to stay married to a woman your whole life, without ever cheating on her, when you are attracted to men. (What are you then, straight or gay, and is your life a lie? How black and white are those answers?) But attraction.... that, I think, is too basic a reaction to simply be choice. A learned reaction, maybe, but not a choice.

 

And sexual preference and what you do behind closed doors with which gender...that is personal, no one else's business to judge.

 

In the end, it is everyone's right to pursue whatever kind of relaitonship will make them happy. Regardless of WHY.