How do I stop acting this way?

[Guest]

I am rebuliding my marriage after my husbands affair. Things have been better between us, but I keep making big mistakes on my part. I cant shake the feeling he is lying to me! Even if he is being truthful, I have a hard time believeing anything he says. He always lies, not just to me, but in general. I dont know why, its like a habbit, or a way to avoid reality or conflict.

 

I get very suspucious of things all the time. Where he is, what he is doing, who he is talking to....Its bad. I still check his bills, receipts, phone. How do I stop this? It is like an addiction to me. I know why I do it, I have been lied to again and again, and I dont want to go at a marriage again just to be hurt twice as bad. How do I stop acting this way?

[carmaenforcer]

I totally know what you are going through. My Wife (Girl Friend at the time) cheated on me with her ex boy friend. It happened almost a year ago this month, around Saint Patrick's Day to be exact, and until just a couple of months ago I was just as bad as you are now. She also had a lying problem and she justified it by saying that she used to have to lie to her Mom about everything because her Mom didn't let her do anything and, once a liar always a liar. I didn't except that answer and so she has been drastically trying to change her ways. She proposed to me a few months after her cheating and I accepted because I do love her with all my heart but I didn't trust the way she would have wanted me to for a while.

To be honest I don't think I will ever trust the same way I used to before her infidelity. I still find myself wanting to check her cell phone, listen in on her conversations with her girl friends, I worry about the guys at her work, etc.

It's like a person that gets bit bad by a dog, they might forever have a little thought in the back of their mind when ever another dog comes around.

Remember, I told my Wife this when she asked me if I would ever trust her again, "trust is earned, the more you be the woman I need you to be, the more I will feel comfortable in this relationship. Someday all this will just be a bad memory for both of us, but until then you will just have to bare with me and the consequences of your action."

I'm lucky because my Wife, has done a lot to make me comfortable in this relationship. She opened up to me about things I had suspected but she had always denied, the closer the wedding date came up. The more she tries the more I try and so far we are doing way better. I find it easier to trust a little more and she appreciates it.

 

Just remember you do have the right to have him under a microscope for as long as you need to make you feel comfortable, he's the one that f___ed up not you and if he doesn't like it, to bad for him maybe he should have thought about that before he cheated, right. If he has nothing to hide he should have no problem with you snooping.

 

Forgive, but never forget. As he keeps showing you that he can be trusted, trust him.

 

Just keep strong and don't be down on your self for feeling insecure or suspicious after having been cheated on, it's normal. If you went back to trusting him like nothing ever happened there would be something wrong with you because you obviously would be ignoring something really nasty that just happened to you.

[KonRyuu]

As far as the lying goes because her parents wouldn't let her do anything, I understand that point of view, my grandparents were much the same and I had to lie a lot also, it's not that hard to be truthful, especially when you love someone, I never developed a pattern for lying, only to my grandparents, gotta do what ya gotta do right?

[carmaenforcer]

Yeah, that was a true sign that her professions of love for me are true. She has actuallt gotten better about telling the truth that me. Now I have to check myself when doing thing to make sure I don't have to lie about them later. We are better people because of our love for one and other.