Jump to content

Can a married man and a married woman be just friends?


Recommended Posts

Can a married man and a married woman be just friends? If there is an attraction, how much talking or emailing with eacother do you do before it turns physical? How easy is it to discuss the attractiveness to each other? Is it different having an affair with someone is is married or single? Are married people more eager or more reluctant to start an affair?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can a married man and a married woman be just friends? If there is an attraction

 

Of course they can. I am a close friend with many of my friends husbands . However I would not dream of crossing the line.

I am a real big flirt, however I am too loyal to my friends to allow anything untoward to anything to happen.

 

It is good to have male friends.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that they definitely can, but there have to be some clear boundaries. Otherwise, they run the risk of falling into the second half of your post. What those boundaries are will be different for each group of people, but they need to be set.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think they can, HOWEVER, if there is an attraction between them both or there is emailing going on, meetings, phone conversations etc, that neither of the other spouses know nothing of, then theres a problem and it would be time to back away.

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

Link to post
Share on other sites

Absolutely. But if any of their exchanges are things that couldn't be read / heard by the spouse, without causing discomfort, then it's completely inappropriate. If the spouse is unaware of the contact or the amount of contact, and you KEEP that from the spouse intentionally, that's a huge red flag.

 

I'd be careful not to vent to a male friend about my marriage. Whether you intend to or not, that can send a sign that you are somehow available.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Two things...if it is okay with your husband, yes. if all communications can be shown to your husband, yes.

 

Having said that, I believe it is also playing with fire. There is a distinct possibility of being burned.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can a married man and a married woman be just friends? If there is an attraction, how much talking or emailing with eacother do you do before it turns physical? How easy is it to discuss the attractiveness to each other? Is it different having an affair with someone is is married or single? Are married people more eager or more reluctant to start an affair?

 

If we are takling about you, I think the the fact that you have to ask means the seed of something more than friends has already been planted. Anything is possible, so yes it is possible for married women and men to be friends. But again the tone of your email already suggests being attracted, discussing this attraction and whether or not to act on it.

 

More eager to have an affair doesn't really matter whether the other person is single or married but rather how you feel about that person and your own willingness or desire to go outside of your own marriage. I think their is an underlying notion that when both people are married the risk is equal and each of you have just as much to loose and there for feel a but more safe to have the affair.

 

In the end you have to ask yourself is it worth loosing your marriage over. If you say no, then you have to take steps and precautions with this friendship to not let it cross into unsafe territory.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Can a married man and a married woman be just friends?

 

yes, if their ultimate goal is to remain just friends and they work hard to keep it that way

 

If there is an attraction, how much talking or emailing with each other do you do before it turns physical?

 

depends on what their intentions are. If they're interested in screwing, I'm guessing it wouldn't take much to go from friendship, to flirting, to a physical relationship.

 

How easy is it to discuss the attractiveness to each other?

 

again, it depends on what their intentions are. Coupled with what kinds of signs they're giving each other and how comfortable they feel crossing that line.

 

Is it different having an affair with someone is is married or single?

I think it's safe to say an affair is an affair is an affair. Someone is being cheated on in the end, and somewhere, there are lies being told to either cover up or to perpetuate the affair.

 

Are married people more eager or more reluctant to start an affair?

 

goes back to what their intention is and how comfortable they feel crossing the line. That's not to say that someone who is only interested in friendship who doesn't like the idea of screwing said friend can't slip up if they're impaired by booze, drugs or pure lust ... or want plain old revenge on someone related to that friendship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
carmaenforcer

If you notice almost all the posts if not all of them read, "Yes, but" or "Yes, if"

 

So the answer everyone is avoiding is, NO.

Yeah unfortunately, married or not we are all just Men and Women and with that comes "the possibility". The world is full of people with that story, "I didn't expect it to happen it just did", "He/she was just there for me when I needed them".

 

A very simple exercise that will help you answer a question of whether something is right or wrong, when your consciences for some reason fails.

Simply put your self in your H/W's shoes and them in yours. How would you feel if your H or W was doing what you know is wrong but are trying to justify it for your benefit.

 

The problem with the exercise I suggested is that you must be 100% honest with your self and people trying to justify actions they know are wrong usually can't be honest with themselves or others.

 

Please know that this is a general statement may apply to most but not all of people/situations. So if you don't think this applies to you try not to take offense, you must just be the exception to the rule.

Link to post
Share on other sites
travellingman
Of course they can be friends...with benefits. A ring doesn't mean a thing to other women.

 

LOL

 

Glad to see someone with a sense of humor, these boards have been getting too serious lately.

Link to post
Share on other sites
travellingman
Can a married man and a married woman be just friends?

 

Based on the responses, seems like we're discussing if they should, not if they can.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Men and women can't be friends. Period.

 

Nobody wants to admit it, of course - especially those who "think" they have opposite sex friends (especially the ones who deep down have an attraction to thier "friends").

 

Can't be done. Period. And it especially can't be done - or attempted - by married people. It's a no-win situation. Either you're both going to be attracted to each other, or you'll be attracted to your friend, or your friend will want you. It always - always - happens.

 

The funny thing about it is that you can't even try to be friends with an UNattractive person ..... because the truth is that if you actually like them enough to be friends, you'll eventually start finding them attractive. Which is beautiful, in a way ... inner beauty really does become attraction.

 

But not such a good thing of you're married.

 

I realize the above isn't popular, and that it's a lot easier to pretend I'm wrong. But as someone above noted, if you're married you might want to at least be careful that I might be right.

 

For a much better - and much more detailed - explanation of why men and women can't be friends, go rent "When Harry Met Sally" and watch it a few dozen times. Harry Burns, a very smart man. And absolutely right.

 

Can't be done, kids. Not a chance. You may think you have opposite sex friends, but you don't.

 

Harry Burns knows all.

 

He also ends the movie with the single most romantic declaration of love ever uttered (and - irony of ironies - it's to Sally, the one woman he thought was actually "just a friend.")

 

Every married person on Earth contemplating a "friendship" with a member of the opposite sex should be forced to memorize that movie.

Link to post
Share on other sites

hmm....let's see, if it were me, I really have no idea, I'd probably go do something immature and kick the dudes ass and leave my wife or get into marriage counseling, but that's what I would want to do, probably not what I should do. I agree 100%, it's playing with fire, and there is probably a 9 out of 10 chance that you WILL get burned. personally if I felt attracted to another married woman and she felt attracted to me and I was married, I would stop all contact and just forget that person existed, sure you can turn it into a fantasy, but that's as far as I'd go with that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
carmaenforcer

Man Bob Dole, I love your responses. Truth, pure unadulterated truth. I like blunt honesty. I know I should have voted for you. :laugh:

Link to post
Share on other sites
Blind Illusion
Two things...if it is okay with your husband, yes.

 

Why should I allow people to be in my life based solely on the permission or lack thereof, of my husband. What if he was a total control freak that allowed his own insecurity, not my behavior, to be the basis of permission granted?

 

I have male friends dating back to college days and no inappropriate lines were ever crossed. That's because even when I was single, & didn't even know my husband, I only viewed them as friends, nothing else. Today, with one of them, our sons are classmates and I sometimes go out to lunch with his wife.

 

You know that incorrect lines are being crossed if things are done or said that couldn't be done or said with your spouse right there. That's the listmus test, I feel, that works.

Link to post
Share on other sites

And you have no problem with your husband having female friends .... married or unmarried ...that you disapprove of?

 

A husband and a wife need to feel secure in their commitment to each other. If he does not like your choice of male married friends, why would you want to continue seeing them? What you have then decided is that your friends are more important than the life partner you have committed to giving your all. What...he is a control freak? Then passively/aggressively continuing in relationships that he disapproves of will not give you independence. No, the opposite is true...it is an immature rebellion.

 

And yes, I would say the same to him if the roles were reversed. Too often we get married for our own satisfaction...not our partner's satisfaction.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can a married man and a married woman be just friends? If there is an attraction, how much talking or emailing with eacother do you do before it turns physical? How easy is it to discuss the attractiveness to each other? Is it different having an affair with someone is is married or single? Are married people more eager or more reluctant to start an affair?

 

Ya Know what, I don't think so! I am in the middle of a so called "Friendship" with a MM, I am a MW and their is a major sexual atraction. We both want each other bad, however the risk of my family and his are just to great to move forward, so he say's and I say too! It does not change the fact that we both want this to happen, however it can't. We both must have issues to address.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Blind Illusion
And you have no problem with your husband having female friends .... married or unmarried ...that you disapprove of?

 

If it's all the same to you, I would probably substitute "dislike" for "disapprove" since the latter conjures up judgement calls & I don't even do that with my own friends that I choose. And yes, there are friends of my husbands that aren't on my Top 10 list but he happens to be a male.

 

We all march to different drummers though, and even married partners aren't going to have identical likes when it comes to the people they embrace. It's nice when there are some mutual friends that the partners have in common (a big lament of mine, incidentally) but sometimes there will be someone that one person dislikes/disapproves of. Could be male or female. I don't think it's immature to continue a relationship that could have even predated the union. If anything, I think it is more mature to just adopt an attitude that we will not love & adore everything our partner embraces but the security should come from the feelings behind the relationship, not from what one partner gives up for the other.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Semantics does not change the real meaning. Disliking a friend which does not come between you and your husband/wife is not the same as spending time with a friend of the opposite sex who may be threatening to your partner...perceived or real which he or she disapproves/dislikes.

 

If my wife went out to breakfast/lunch/supper who I felt was not good for our relationship, then I know without a doubt that she would not continue it without clearing my doubts. I would do the same for her. IMHO she has every right to expect me to not have a relationship with the opposite sex which she cannot be secure with. This is not controlling. This is love and trust.

 

I would still say that if you or your husband continues a relationship which is disapproved by the other, then this is damaging to your your marriage and your partner.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Blind Illusion

For argument's sake, would it be different in your eyes if your wife socialized with a woman friend you vehemently disliked? In some ways, that could come between the two of you also, no? Just curious.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For the sake of argument...this is not what this thread is addressing. This thread is addressing friends of opposite sex. But to answer your question...no. She can have whom she wants as same sex friends because (unless she is bisexual) there is not the danger of breaking the commitment to me.

 

(What? Don't I trust my wife? I would say that if it was me spending time with another married women, the same thing applies...it is not a lack of trust, it is disrespecting the exclusiveness that she and I have committed to each other).

 

However, what we are referring to here is when a married woman spends time with another married man besides her husband...she goes places with this man, shares confidences with this man, etc. In other words, she is emotionally connecting with another man besides her husband. I am assuming here we are not talking about having lunch with a man who is a co worker during work time. If this is what this thread refers to, then I say the same thing...IMHO married men and married women who are not married to each other should not be friends exclusive of their partners without out that partner's approval. Even with the approval, there is a greater chance of falling into an affair than if this friend was of the same sex.

 

It is not about how far can I go, but what can I do to enrich my relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Man Bob Dole, I love your responses. Truth, pure unadulterated truth. I like blunt honesty. I know I should have voted for you. :laugh:

 

Ah, don't feel bad. I didn't vote for me, either. Too bad. I was young and foolish in 96. If Bobby'd relaxed a bit like he did after the election, I might have voted for him.

 

Guaranteed impeachment free, too. Hard to get frisky in the oval office when little Bob isn't working too well, if you know what I mean.

 

What? I'm off topic? What was the topic?

 

Oh. Yeah. No - men and women can't be friends. Times a thousand if they're married.

 

And it has nothing to do with being controlling, or who gets to approve of what. It's just plain a bad idea. Why? Because men and women can't be friends. Didn't we cover that?

Link to post
Share on other sites
carmaenforcer

Yeah, but if you recall Bob got on Viagra after that.

 

Anywho, yeah I'm sure there are some women that will claim that they have had guy friends for every with no problem and I'm sure there probably is exception to the fact but the fact remains.

My Wife used to argue with me about my belief that men and women can't just be friends and she is one of those girls that prefers guy friends. I had issue with this one guy friend of hers that I though wanted to get with her, she didn't see it and he hadn't done anything too obvious to prove me right, yet. A few months after my comment to her, he comes up to her and asks if she's seeing anyone. She tells him, "yes, that guy I told you about" (Me, right) and he just goes, "oh.." He asks him "why do you ask" and he replies "I was just hoping we could hook up"... We had actually been on a break at the time that lasted about a week, and when she asked me back she told me this story and I of coarse told her "I told you so". She asked me how the heck did I know and I told her because I had noticed the look he game me the first time I met him, a hater look like I was taking his girl.

later in our relationship after she proposed to me, we had a discussion about how guys and girls can't be friends, she again tried to argue but I brought up a story she had told me about one time she had gone out on a one on one date with one of these guy friends of hers and he tried to make a pass at her. Her answer to this was "oh, the guys always try to get with us, but we just laugh it off, that's just how those guys are". The we she was talking about was her Best Girl Friend who is also friend with this same group of guys

and her BGF backed up her comments. I just told them, "and you think it's ok for these guy friend to always try to mess with you?", to which they answered, "nothing would ever happen."

When I asked, "so , it would be ok for me to be friends with attractive girls that try to hook up with me all the time", there are a couple of girls I work with that I am forbidden to even talk to because they are flits, so I knew what the answer would be. And of coarse my Fiancée at the time answered, "no, you know better".

Long story short, she hasn't talked to those guys since. They still talk to her BGF and she brings stories of how these guys are all but hurt that she doesn't talk to them anymore. In fact just yesterday one of them posted some nasty sh_t on Myspace, calling my now Wife names (bitch and little slut) because she didn't invite them to our wedding.

She was of coarse hurt and asks me why would he call me a slut, I just replied because he is mad that you got together with me after your last boy friend and not him. Hater... Another one of them posted, "what we always knew , is now set in stone, f_ck her I'm cutting her off." Wow, nice friends, huh.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...