She doesn't need him anymore

[phyrespryte]

My friend has been married for almost 6 months and things have been pretty good. She's graduated from college, has a fabulous career, has started making new friends aside from her husband's friends, and her husband is crazy about her. In fact he's been extra good to her since she's gotten this new job.

 

But....

He's her first love, been together since highschool, 10 years almost, and for 2 years while they were dating he had a drug problem. They broke up when she found out, but she took him back when he said that he'd quit.

 

Except it doesn't seem like the drugs have completely disappeared. Two months before they got married she found some oxycontin pills in his pants, he said they were his uncle's (his uncle has a problem). At first she wasn't sure, but from that day on she made sure to search the apartment and any other potential hiding places. Since she never found anything and his behaviour didn't change towards her (usually he would get really angry when he was on stuff) she assumed he was being truthful.

 

Well last week she finds a pill bottle with a razor and straw in it. It had his uncle's name on it. Before asking her husband about it she goes and searches his little hiding spot and finds some pills there too. She confronted him about the bottle, but not the pills. He blamed it on his uncle said he had nothing to do with it. And later on when she checks his hiding spot the pills are gone.

 

She's pissed that he lied to her. She said she doesn't want to be "that woman", the one that knows what's going on, but puts up with it anyways.

 

I don't know what to say to her. I think she wants a divorce. Before they were married I told her to not marry him. Because of the drugs, and the lying. Plus I kind of felt that she wanted to live on her own for a bit and perhaps date more people. She even said that in a sense she doesn't need him anymore. She can take care of herself now...

 

But I'm not sure...she's married now. Shouldn't they try to work things out?

[JadeStar]

Sounds like all the other areas in their marraige are pretty good except for this one particular thing, the drugs. I understand her frustration, and this isn't about her, its about his problem and needing help. However, I'm sure shes aware that she can not help him, he as to to want to help himself. Sure, she can be there for him, and be suporrative in whatever decision he makes about getting help, but he has to be the one to do this. He can not get help for her, to shut her up etc, he has to truly want to stop this addcition and behavior. Granted it will not be easy for him or her. I think she needs to weigh her options and see what she really wants to do.

 

Has she suggested counseling for them both? Has she suggested drug rehab for him? Sometimes People with addcitions such as drugs, alcohol etc love to play the victim role and wallow in self pity, she needs to not let his self pity get the best of her, becasue more so than not, the self pity role he will play until she breaks giving in, him telling her he will stop etc blah blah blah, just for him to turn around and continue to do the drugs etc. I think this seems right now it can be a fixable situation, but they have to want to both help fix it. He needs to do his part by getting help and she needs to do hers, by being suporrative towards him if its what he decides to do. Or if this is not an option, she can always leave for a peroid of time, will it make him stop? I doubt it, he has to want it to stop.

 

 

 

Jade

[KonRyuu]

There's no reason to break up such a wonderful thing as a marriage, especially if the only problem is drugs. I think she should confront him about counseling and going to NA if he can't admit that he has a problem then there is nothing he/she can do about it. She needs to proposition him in a way that he won't feel threatened and afraid to tell her the truth, she needs to be calm about it and not angry or he will just clam up and continue to shove it off onto his uncle. She needs to say something like, sweetie, we need to talk, I am not stupid, I know that this and this has been going on for however long and we need to do something about it together, or else, (give him an alternative) such as her leaving him if it continues. Do they happen to live with the uncle or what? Obviously if they do, all they have to do is move out, or kick the uncle out, if the drugs are still there, obviously it was never the uncle and then he has no excuse beyond that point. Make sure she's careful with what she says/does as we all know drugs can make people angry and do things they wouldn't normally do if they were sober, she could get hurt, maybe have the conversation in a place where she could easily get help if needed.