How do I prove my love??

[lakeboy1971]

I am new to this and I read a few of the posts before I decided to get into this. First of all I was married for 5 years to a great woman and we have had three kids together in addition to one she had from a previous marriage. Our problems started because I work overseas and she has always thought that I cheated on her. I never have but no matter what I say she doesn´t believe me. I have even offered to take a polygraph to prove it but she won´t take me up on it and if I go and do it myself she would think that I paid the guy off. It got to the point that I told a few white lies to her so she wouldn´t think that I was even in a position to cheat on her. STUPID I know and it backfired on me. The only reason I did it was to try and avoid some of the silent treatments that I get when she thinks I have done something. I have told her that I would never lie to her again but she told me that I disrespected her by doing it. I agree with her on that point but I love her so much that I was just trying not to disappoint her. She told me that six very important words are "I admit I made a mistake" and I have admitted it but it does not seem to be enough. What else can I say?? Please Help as I have been thinking about this for four months now and cannot think of anything else to say.

 

Well we have come to the point where we are Seperated but living in the same house for the children. The problem I have with this is it has been he** for me because when I see her all I want to do is hold her. I want her back but she tells me she doesn´t believe me when I tell her I love her and I need a different way to show her. I have racked my brain for a while now and there is nothing I can think of. I need help here too. This woman and my family are the center of my universe and all I ever want. I would write her poems if I had that skill but I am lacking thereand am lost. All I keep hearing is if it were true that I love her then I would know what to say. I DON´T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR I WOULD HAVE SAID IT ALREADY!! I send flowers and call as much as I can but that doesn´t seem to work.

 

What can I do????

[Ladyjane14]

Is there any way that you can get a local job and be home every night?

Your wife is insecure. She can't see you being faithful to her because you're NOT there.

 

If you have given her NO REASON to doubt you...then you'll need to address her insecurity as a team. Her problem is your problem...so, you prioritize it as such.

 

Here's an article on Romantic Jealousy. You might get some tips from that. But I would recommend to you that you work with a councelor that can give you specific help.

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=34554

[lakeboy1971]

Other than a few white lies to try and not have all the questions and accusations there has been no reason from me for her to suspect me. In her past marriage in Spain she had a husband who kept his other wife in the same building.

 

We have tried two councilling sessions so far with no luck. When I called her last night I asked what I need to do to prove I love her and the answer I got was if you do you would know. I have been trying to figure this cryptic message out for 6 months now.

[quankanne]

what, you're supposed to be a mind-reader in addition to holding her hand over her self-inflicted insecurities?

 

granted, she's got a lot of luggage to deal with from her first marriage and the cheating that went on during that time, but you're not him.

 

maybe it's time you put the burden back on her and call her on this behavior. Sit her down and tell her that you love her, plain and simple, but you're not going to degrade your love or y'alls relationship by jumping through hoops just because she doesn't "feel" you're doing enough. That the ball is in her court and that it's up to her to start treating this as a mature relationship by giving it a chance rather than to treat you as a whipping boy for something her former husband did. That she needs to understand first and foremost that you're not interested in cheating on her because (fill in the blank), and if she wants or hopes for this marriage to succeed, she's going to have to kick her ex-husband out of the relationship and be married only to you. Then tell her again that you love her like no other, but there's no room in your relationship for the kinds of headgames she's interested in playing. When she comes back that you told white lies, admit that you didn't know what to say, so you figured this was what she wanted to hear instead of what you had to say.

 

harsh advice, but it sounds like she's more interested in making you crawl than in making y'alls marriage work, and being point-blank will hopefully help her to see that she's sabotaging the relationship because of her insecurities.

[Presario]

Unfortunately, I have no advice for you. I'm writing this post only to tell you that I feel for you for the long-distance relationship. I worked several months in the US, while my wife stayed in Europe. We went through lots of arguments which were very painful. I'm glad that these times are over for me and that now we are living together again. I hope things will get better for you.

 

Did you have these problems when you lived together? If not, then your wife may simply want to live with you, and not to have the long-distance relationship.

 

When I called her last night I asked what I need to do to prove I love her and the answer I got was if you do you would know.

 

What do you most often argue about? Is your job the reason?

[lakeboy1971]

Hi Quankanne

 

I like the way you put it plain and simple. I just wish it could work that plain but she thinks she is a strong person and does not like to hear that she has insecurities. he does not like to admit that she is wrong and due to her intelligence she is usually able to turn things back around on me when I bring up her past. I will admit that I will definately try and use your advice as soon as I can think of a good way to get her to start that conversation.

 

Presario

 

I have been working a rotation overseas for 8 years now and I was working in the Middle East when we met so she knew what she was getting into. I asked her numerous times before we were married if she was sure she could handle it and she always said yes. I have offered to work back in Canada but she has not asked me to yet but the thought is still there.

 

Before we seperated (but are still living together) the most fights were about me being unfaithfull. It was to the point that when I was in the city I wouldn´t even leave the room to go and eat because I didn´t want her to call the room and me not be there. Then I would have to hear how I was out catting around.

[SoleMate]

lakeboy, it sounds like you're getting lots of grief from your wife. It isn't acceptable. I agree with LadyJane - you may be as pure as the driven snow, but if your marriage is #1 to you, you will have to make decisions and take actions that put your marriage - and hence your wife - FIRST. The LDR is a huge problem for you and in fact is pushing you towards divorce. Yet the undertext seems to be that you both long to be together and to feel love with your partner. That is done by being together as much as you can. For you two, in crisis as you are, I would recommend at least 365 consecutive nights where you sleep in the same bed. It's essential so you both can actually SHOW each other some love.

 

I understand that she said she thought she could handle the LDR. Well, she may have given it her best try, but it's abundantly clear she CANNOT handle the LDR. Not now, maybe not ever. Separation take a toll on even the strongest, most secure couples. Which you two aren't. But maybe you could be, if you make some changes.

 

Pick up a copy of His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley, and "prove your love" by doing a great job understanding and meeting all her most important emotional needs. #1 on the list is to have you close to her.

 

So, are you willing to change your work so you can be with your wife all the time?

[Kenyth]

Try and cut out the LDR if you can. It's not the kind of job for a family man.

 

Now, as for her. You need to lose your temper a bit. Quit kissing her behind when she acts badly. Tell her you're done. You told her the truth. You didn't cheat on her. She can accept that at face value or get the hell out of your face. If she says she want's to go, tell her you'll help her pack. If she's serious, quite frankly you may be better off anyway.