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She fell asleep on me...argh!


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Valentines Day....

 

We start the day off by her making me promise I won't buy her flowers. Even tho I wanted to I didn't. I bought her flowers last year and for our anneversary and she says that she doesn't want them this year. Just wants to spend time with me. Fair Enough. I save some money here, so I'm not complaining. :)

 

I get off work. Pick some goodies up from the store, get home, make her her favorite dinner. She enjoys it very much. I clean up. We settle into one of our romantic moveis we have. Things are going well. The movie ends.

 

I start to think of maybe settling into a bath together, or maybe give her a massage. I go to whisper someting in her ear....and SHES ASLEEP! I gently wake her up and she tells me she wants to take a nap. OOOOooookay....

 

I go upstairs to check something on the computer. When I get back about 10 minutes later, she in bed, lights out, fast asleep.

 

I ask her, "are you asleep". And she's like, no, I was waiting for you.

 

She tells me to come in bed turn the TV on adn fall asleep together.

 

I'm like...its Valentines Day honey, dont you think that we should do something first. And she tells me....okay we can have a quicky first, lets go.

 

LOL

 

Laughable....I tell you. We ended up not having any sex or any fun at all. She fell asleep and the next morning she tells me that she didn't know I wanted this day to be special.

 

We've been having our problems lately, and this day would've been perfect for a one day out of the blue where we are intimate, emoitional, and very close to each other. And she throws that in my face. She didn't know that I wanted this day to be special. Is my wife clueless or what. Please ladies, tell me, help me out here.

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Wow, if that doesn't sound like just about everyday of the last year of my marriage! Let's see, important days where we should have had sex but didn't: Valentine's Day, Our Anniversary, my birthday, day after Christmas (anniversary of our first time together).

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Well just because there is some social obligation that says you should have sex on a specific day doesn't mean the mood will just come over you. Maybe she was tired. When I was getting laid regularly I would sometimes just roll over and stick my ass up in the air for morning sex. Sometimes you're just not up for it.

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Well just because there is some social obligation that says you should have sex on a specific day doesn't mean the mood will just come over you. Maybe she was tired. When I was getting laid regularly I would sometimes just roll over and stick my ass up in the air for morning sex. Sometimes you're just not up for it.

 

 

Understandable. If she was tired, that would've been fine. That is if she was sincere about it. It just seemed to me like she was trying to dodge a bullet. Her saying she didn't know I wanted it to be special just smacked me in the face. Escpecially since the week before I had a heart to heart with her begging for her to show some effort and love in our marriage.

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clandestinidad
this day would've been perfect for a one day out of the blue where we are intimate, emoitional, and very close to each other.

 

Why cant you do that today.....or tomorrow.....or in 2 weeks??? Whenever the time fits

 

I mean, I realize you put a lot of effort/time into making it special for her, but it also sounds like you had ulterior motives...to get laid.

 

When you have underlying motives, your plan will usually go sour, because the expectations that you envisioned probably wont happen.

 

Maybe next time you might not want to expect so much from it, and you wont be so disappointed.

 

I totally understand what youre feeling though, its very disappointing when your plans go sour.

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Yes, I admit, I was hoping / anticipating on getting some sex out of the day.

 

So what you're telling me is not to expect anything and then I won't be disappointed when I don't get it.

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Understandable. If she was tired, that would've been fine. That is if she was sincere about it. It just seemed to me like she was trying to dodge a bullet. Her saying she didn't know I wanted it to be special just smacked me in the face. Escpecially since the week before I had a heart to heart with her begging for her to show some effort and love in our marriage.

 

How can you be insincere about falling asleep watching a movie? Because I wish I could pull that one on some of my more boring dates.

 

Just because that particular day is supposed to have some greater significance doesn't prevent other things from getting in the way. Did you tell her that her saying that hurt you? Did she explain why she was tired? Did you ask? Did you ask in a non-confrontational way whether she knew how important it was to her?

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clandestinidad
So what you're telling me is not to expect anything and then I won't be disappointed when I don't get it.

 

Thats one of the best things I've learned thus far....everthing and everyone disappoints from time to time. If you dont expect anything, you wont be let down.

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How can you be insincere about falling asleep watching a movie? Because I wish I could pull that one on some of my more boring dates.

 

Just because that particular day is supposed to have some greater significance doesn't prevent other things from getting in the way. Did you tell her that her saying that hurt you? Did she explain why she was tired? Did you ask? Did you ask in a non-confrontational way whether she knew how important it was to her?

 

 

I know that I'm a victom of the expectations of Valentines Day. It got the better of me. Sex to my wife the past 6 months has been something she has avoided. I thought that on VDay, she could've thrown me a bone or something to show me she still cares for my needs as a man. One day. All I wanted. But yes, you are right. When you expect things and they don't turn out, you get disappointed, hence the way I'm feeling right now.

 

when she told me that she didn't know I wanted that day to be special, she knew I did, but she said it anyway to get out of the situation...thats how it felt to me. And thats what I was saying about being insincere.

 

If she came to me and said she was tired, and she was going to bed, have a good night, and I love you.... that would've been fine I guess. But rather, she didn't even say good night, she just went.

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clandestinidad

I dont want to come across like I'm standing up for her or making excuses, but I thought of something that MIGHT explain her behavior.

 

She might have sensed that you were doing everything to get laid. When that happens, it makes the whole scenario about a loving experience feel a lot cheaper. Its not a good feeling to have, that someone is overly acting like they love you to get something.

 

I dont live inside her head, though, so I dont have any clue if thats what happened....its just a possibility. I think if you did something SMALL but sweet/thoughtful for her in a few days you might get a better response from her.

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you have no idea how right you are.

 

thanks.

 

what i need to do is be intimate with her without expecting or even wanting sex after. and honestly, i want to, because I want to show her that its not all about the sex with me. I mean, sex is something that I long for because it has been lacking in our lives lately, but more so to me, I just want that loving feeling back.

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Women want to be romanced just as a celebration of who they are as a person, not as a way into their pants on some socially-sanctioned day of romance.

 

Are you doing nice things for her on a consistent basis--not just on VD when the unvoiced hope is that you'll get laid? One day out of 365 doesn't really count for much, and you may have a deficit in your love bank account so that if you're overdrawn $100 in meeting her emotional needs in this relationship and you put in $50 on one special night, you're still overdrawn because of all the other times until you've consistently made love bank deposits over time.

 

Did you talk about what your expectations were for the day? Doesn't sound like it. She told you what she didn't want, but not what she wanted? Did you say what it is you wanted?

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com in order to understand your emotional needs and the whole love bank analogy. It can really save a relationship.

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Hey man, don't feel guilty for having needs. Physical needs to a man are the equivalent of emotional needs to a woman. Women don't consider it "ulterior motives" to want to be romanced. I don't see why wanting to have sex is an "ulterior motive" either. Women expect romance and complain when they don't get it but verbally chastise a man when he expects sex and doesn't get it. It's hypocritical. If I were in your shoes I'd be pretty peeved as well.

 

Maybe she does need more thoughtful things done for her, I don't know. But if you are doing those things for her and she's still falling asleep on you and not giving anything back, then it sounds pretty one-sided.

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Women want to be romanced just as a celebration of who they are as a person, not as a way into their pants on some socially-sanctioned day of romance.

 

Are you doing nice things for her on a consistent basis--not just on VD when the unvoiced hope is that you'll get laid? One day out of 365 doesn't really count for much, and you may have a deficit in your love bank account so that if you're overdrawn $100 in meeting her emotional needs in this relationship and you put in $50 on one special night, you're still overdrawn because of all the other times until you've consistently made love bank deposits over time.

 

Did you talk about what your expectations were for the day? Doesn't sound like it. She told you what she didn't want, but not what she wanted? Did you say what it is you wanted?

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com in order to understand your emotional needs and the whole love bank analogy. It can really save a relationship.

 

 

I do things out of the blue for her to show how much I love her. Maybe not as much as I'd want to, but like I said before, its been a rough the last few months for us. You say woman like to be romanced, but not mine. The harder I try the more failure I put myself up against.

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I think they are other issues at hand, the not having sex as much is one of them...SO maybe she did feel pressured and felt an 'expectation' to put out yesterday - And you're right, she could have just told you not tonight, but let's just do massages, cuddle, whatever...She handled it wrong.

 

Is there something stressful in her life? I mean, besides not wanting to have sex, she seems not to be too intune with your needs...As a woman, I'm abit taken back that she can't see that Valentine's Day was important to you. She sluffed it off like no big deal. Abit selfish, I think...(Sorry to say that.) VDay is more than taking, it's about giving too.

 

You two need to talk and just find out what is going on inside her head. Maybe she is not feeling sexy, or just feeling down about things, some mild depression. How is the rest of your relationship outside the bedroom?

 

Anyway, I hope things get better.

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I think they are other issues at hand, the not having sex as much is one of them...SO maybe she did feel pressured and felt an 'expectation' to put out yesterday - And you're right, she could have just told you not tonight, but let's just do massages, cuddle, whatever...She handled it wrong.

 

Is there something stressful in her life? I mean, besides not wanting to have sex, she seems not to be too intune with your needs...As a woman, I'm abit taken back that she can't see that Valentine's Day was important to you. She sluffed it off like no big deal. Abit selfish, I think...(Sorry to say that.) VDay is more than taking, it's about giving too.

 

You two need to talk and just find out what is going on inside her head. Maybe she is not feeling sexy, or just feeling down about things, some mild depression. How is the rest of your relationship outside the bedroom?

 

Anyway, I hope things get better.

 

we have our issues alright. some major ones that we are trying to work on that I'm fully aware of, and I understand too that you can't just push your feelings aside like its a matter of turning a swtich on anbd off. I just thought it would've been super nice to concenrate on the things Valentines Day is to be about on that day.

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The more threads I read the more I just have to shake my head. Lets see, heres a guy who WANTS to make Valentines day special......has not been getting much sex in the last six months or so.........and he is told maybe he expects too much.......or maybe she is too tired..........and people come to this site after they have been dumped and wonder why..........people just get complacent and do not give in relationships......not all, but many!!!!

 

Sometimes I think the answer is to stay SINGLE!

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I'm sorry I minimized your needs and your frustration over last night. Tan's right: sex is an emotional need along with all the others. Maybe you're working hard but not doing the things that speak care to her.

 

The reason why I say check out marriagebuilders is because I was working hard trying to meet what I thought were my H's emotional needs, but which really weren't. You need to find out what communicates care to her so you can work smart. And she needs to understand that sex is a big emotional need for you.

 

Something's up with her. You're gonna have to find out what before your marriage tanks. But she may not even know. You may have to play emotional detective, which is pretty hard to do when someone's as closed as she seems to be to you.

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clandestinidad
I don't see why wanting to have sex is an "ulterior motive" either. Women expect romance and complain when they don't get it but verbally chastise a man when he expects sex and doesn't get it. It's hypocritical.

 

Tan- I think perhaps my posts wasnt very clear. I wasnt saying that he DID have unterior motives, but it seemed like it because he kept talking about everything that he did for her and then she didnt have sex with him, and how upset he was.

 

I think he even admitted that he did those things to get sex.

 

When someone is going out of their way, abnormally, to be mushy and romantic in order to get the person to have sex, it tends to make the person feel manipulated.

 

In no way is wanting or needing sex an ulterior motive, you know I'd never say that! Its the tricky method that the person uses in order to get it, is where it gets fishy. "Why not do those things more often", it makes us think. "He's just doing this to get laid because he's not usually like this"

 

A lot of us want romance, but dont want there to be any manipulative stipulations attatched to it. We want to be carressed/cuddled/pampered from time to time without having to earn it or justify it by having sex. Certainly it might lead to sex from time to time anyway, but we can usually tell when thats the end goal he has in mind.

 

Sorry, but thats how a lot of our minds work.

 

It was all just speculation anyway, since I cant read her mind.

 

Edit to add: YES she certainly was wrong and selfish to have you do all that and then just brush you off...thats definately uncalled for and very careless.

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Okay, so then it's not so much his desire to have sex that is the problem, but the possibility of insincerity in the romantic gestures beforehand, correct?

 

This is one case where I'm really glad I'm a guy. I can't imagine ever being in a situation where I viewed a girl wanting to have sex with me as a bad thing. :D

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Ryan--I went back and read some of your other posts, and there are serious problems in this relationship. You two really need some professional intervention, I think.

 

Get her to a good marriage counselor before it's too late. I suspect she may not know exactly what's wrong.

 

What are her parents like? Were they abusive to her as a child? Or completely opposite?

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clandestinidad
Okay, so then it's not so much his desire to have sex that is the problem, but the possibility of insincerity in the romantic gestures beforehand, correct?

 

Yes!!!! Yaaayyyy I said something that made a little sense!

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We've been having our problems lately, and this day would've been perfect for a one day out of the blue where we are intimate, emoitional, and very close to each other. And she throws that in my face. She didn't know that I wanted this day to be special. Is my wife clueless or what. Please ladies, tell me, help me out here.
Valentine's Day is hardly "out of the blue". Out of the blue would probably be defined as a random day when you both were into it.

 

If you're having marital issues, then that's the problem and valentine's day is just confusing the issue. It's not about last night, it's about falling out of sync with each other and whatever deeper issues you two have been struggling with. Last night was a symbol that however you have been working on them has not been working!

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The more threads I read the more I just have to shake my head. Lets see, heres a guy who WANTS to make Valentines day special......has not been getting much sex in the last six months or so.........and he is told maybe he expects too much.......or maybe she is too tired..........and people come to this site after they have been dumped and wonder why..........people just get complacent and do not give in relationships......not all, but many!!!!

 

Sometimes I think the answer is to stay SINGLE!

 

My rant mode is on (fighting with the wife), so take this with a grain of salt. ;)

 

What we've got is the repercussions of changing social values and the changing in the roles of men and women. Men are getting a little shortchanged lately IMHO.

 

Women are for the most part getting treated equally as men these days in day to day life. At least, by the letter of the law they are. Socially and emotionally (the unwritten rules), women are still given far more leeway than men.

 

You see it everywhere you go. The WIFE'S needs aren't being met. The WOMAN is being treated like an object. They divorced and SHE got the kids. The MAN is using her for sex. The HUSBAND is abusive. The affair is the MAN'S fault, whether he did it, or she did it.

 

Rarely do you see these phrases used the other way around. At least without getting a chuckle, having eyes rolled, or getting a shocked look. Basically, as men, we are expected to take more crap, do the dirty jobs, take the blame, and do without more.

 

As a married man you can expect to have sex any time that she wants, and she only want's it when she's pleased with your behavior. If you do a time comparison on how much time a man spends giving a woman what she wants in comparison to how much time she spends giving a man what he wants, you might be surprised! Many women seem to use sex as some kind of reward system!

 

The same goes with money, the house, the cars, the landscaping, etc. The scary part is that it's simply expected by most people. Now I'm not saying that everyone or every relationship is like this. I'm not even saying it's the majority of cases. I'm just saying you see a lot more of it than you'd expect.

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Yes, if this thread was written exactly the same except for switching the roles........husband one that fell asleep and wife trying to initiate sex..........would the replies have been the same??? HMMMM...........what does everyone think?

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