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Disappointed again........ :-(


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I had great hopes that my H would care enough to really plan something out for me for V-day. I carefully selected his gifts remembering exactly what he said he wanted from little statements he made from previous weeks and months ago.

 

He shows up at 8 PM with a 24 pack of store bought roses still dripping water and a card he snagged and signed in the driveway.

 

No planning ....no thought...... nothing. I would have preferred a gift cert from H-depot for paint or maybe a new toilet brush. :(

 

This H of mine claims he is head over heels in love with me and would do anything for me. What the hell is his problem?

 

I did get laid..... it was okay.... popped a sleeping pill so hardly remember it.

 

GAK! I have chatted, communicated, written, stated, asked, even suggested a few rounds with a MC.

 

He keeps stating he is going to do this and that and he is a great guy..... good intentions don't cut the mustard.

 

WTF do I do with him? :(

 

Suggestion to you men out there: Just do it! Take an hour out of your week and surprise your SO.

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Personally I think that a lot of the mens don't express their snuggly feelings the same way we do. That's my guess. I know that disappointment. It's what has caused me to veto celebration of most national holidays. I was just telling slubber this. Turkey day - the only expectation is getting fed, hopefully an obscene amount of food. TOTALLY do-able, everyone on same page.

 

Commercialized holidays involving gift giving however, cause a massive fallout of disappointment and bitterness. IMO, tho. humbly submitted.

 

hugs. i hope you pamper your vag asap.

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It is not just because of V-day........ this is normal behavior....but he says he is going to do this or that. I could give a rats ass if it is V-day or not but it was a chance for him to redeem himself after 3 months of talking about this.

 

He worked late but could have avoided it, chose not to. But complained that he was not happy about doing it. WTF?

 

Quite honestly I deserve better. I demand it. And I think he talks a good game and did to rope me into marriage. I feel like I got a few choices here:

 

1. ignore it live with it..... deal with the fact I have a romantic inconsiderate loser on my hands.

 

2. Hire a pool boy and have some fun and stay in the marriage.

 

3. Go to Guam with my gf and get divorces.

 

4. turn into the typical biotch of a wife and start forcing things. Like him fulfilling promises... where is my outdoor fire pit you promised ect.

 

5. Have some fun short term passionate relationships with men that can fulfill this desire.

 

a4a- I am more than a pretty piece of furniture

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I'm not the one to talk about staying in a marriage, hell I got divorced after 3 measly years. In MC I learned (before we split) that it can be extremely difficult to repair a marriage, especially if there's not one specific incident, but a long history of a pattern of interacting that is unfulfilling or frustrating to the other party. Once you learn how to relate to someone, it's hard to change....

 

Even if it's with people who AREN'T your lifepartner, like your parents, or close friends.

 

Have you really been pissed for a long time now? What does he do that you appreciate and like?

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does he do other things for you that maybe aren't romantic but shows he cares?

 

Or do you do all the giving. Was he romantic in the beganing?

 

do you still go on dates?

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ThumbingMyWay
I feel like I got a few choices here:

 

1. ignore it live with it..... deal with the fact I have a romantic inconsiderate loser on my hands.

 

2. Hire a pool boy and have some fun and stay in the marriage.

 

3. Go to Guam with my gf and get divorces.

 

4. turn into the typical biotch of a wife and start forcing things. Like him fulfilling promises... where is my outdoor fire pit you promised ect.

 

5. Have some fun short term passionate relationships with men that can fulfill this desire.

 

a4a- I am more than a pretty piece of furniture

 

 

3 out of 5 have to do with leaving and or cheating. :(

 

push, pull or drag him to MC.

 

Be very blunt, I mean, if you are actualy feeling this way, then tell him so. Dont threaten him with a D or an A. BUT tell him exactly the 5 choices you posted here. if that dont wake him up, then I dont know what will.

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Not to sound silly, but a big bunch of roses, a card, some candy, and dinner out is kind of the default V-day gift. Many people would kill for getting just that. What did you tell him you wanted? Does he know what you wanted?

 

 

 

Working late wasn't the best idea, I'll give you that. I never work late on special days unless there's no other choice.

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especially if there's not one specific incident, but a long history of a pattern of interacting that is unfulfilling or frustrating to the other party. Once you learn how to relate to someone, it's hard to change....

 

?

 

Can you give details on this.

 

And as for romance when dating we were friends first. So it was a slow go. I will say that we do very well as friends, I do think he is a hottie, but damn I am worth more. He claims the forever BS, I am the most important thing in his life blah blah blah. He is a terrific guy, really is. But there is a huge hole in this relationship. We have 2 years under our belt but he acts like we are 80 yrs old.

 

He needs to shyt or get off the pot, I am wearing very thin at this point. I am one hell of a catch...... tooting my on horn because I can.

 

how the hell do you know if you have reached the point of no return?

I got things to do with my life and I expect and demand that I get those things. I feel like he is just lying to me. Fakes it, or has no clue or is really not "in love".

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First off you are all being very helpful. I have been banging my head against the wall for 3 months at least. Just reached the point of being fed up.n I have also beat the hell outta myself looking at ways I can change to stop this....... point blank it is something I expect desire and demand from a relationship : a thoughtful caring partner that appreciates me.

 

I have been blunt :

 

I said I need a second H to fulfill my needs.

 

I have asked for MC.... he comes up with numerous excuses.

 

I have suggested that we have a monthly standing date take turns arranging these..... hell it is on our yearly calendar to do so, posted on the F-ing wall. Including taking turns making a romantic stay at home dinner for each other.

His was last month...... it was not planned, not executed well, just lame. It was just like a normal dinner.

 

He does do small things for me, my coffee is made some days. But I take care of him in the same manner..... he gets his tea made ect.

 

He has come home with a chocolate bar ect..... I have come home with things for him, like new socks, or a new tool. I consider these "drive by gifts"

"Hey I was there thought you would like this"

 

There was no dinner out for V-day, he came home we unloaded 800 lb of feed, he cleaned the cat box (which I mentioned for 4 days very nicely to him) then I sat down ate some great cheese and crackers by myself and finished up with a bowl of freakin shredded wheat..... at 9:45.

 

Is it that he is really not into me. I have come to the point to tell him:

 

Maybe you just are not into me, you need a person that appreciates your little good deeds. Maybe next time around you will learn from this and learn to treat your new partner better. (yes I have said this, actually this morn).

 

It is like he thinks he should get gold stars for not beating the hell outta me, not going out drinking all nite, and not having an affair. After all that is all a woman needs or wants in a marriage :lmao:

 

I am expected to hold down the business end of the fort, put in pasture fences, dig ditches, clean the house, and feed and train his horse... but I do not get any gold stars for my daily tasks. I mean I am probably a dream come true for men..... I can use tools, run a damn giant ass tractor, fix minor car problems, cook like a chef, and suck a dick like a hoover. And I am still pretty damn hot for my ripe old age of 37. I also have a weird/good sense of humor I think???

 

See now I am getting pissed :lmao: Then I will say......... shoot he is a good guy give him another chance, then I say..... it must be me........ then I will say I deserve more...... then it starts all over again.

 

Right now if you asked me to describe him I would say a hot, sweet, clueless dumbass.

:lmao:

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Right now if you asked me to describe him I would say a hot, sweet, clueless dumbass.
You married the pool boy!

 

a4a y'all gotta shove a torch up his butt while banging the side of his head with a brick. Really.

 

Well, not literally, :laugh: But this man of yours needs a wake up call and I don't know what to suggest except not what you've been doing so far. What you've been doing so far hasn't worked for you so maybe you need to try alternate approaches--things you haven't done before and might not have considered. Just don't do anything mean or damaging to your marriage in the process.

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whats wrong with me

 

It is like he thinks he should get gold stars for not beating the hell outta me, not going out drinking all nite, and not having an affair. After all that is all a woman needs or wants in a marriage :lmao:

 

I am expected to hold down the business end of the fort, put in pasture fences, dig ditches, clean the house, and feed and train his horse... but I do not get any gold stars for my daily tasks. I mean I am probably a dream come true for men..... I can use tools, run a damn giant ass tractor, fix minor car problems, cook like a chef, and suck a dick like a hoover. And I am still pretty damn hot for my ripe old age of 37. I also have a weird/good sense of humor I think???

 

See now I am getting pissed :lmao: Then I will say......... shoot he is a good guy give him another chance, then I say..... it must be me........ then I will say I deserve more...... then it starts all over again.

 

Right now if you asked me to describe him I would say a hot, sweet, clueless dumbass.

:lmao:

 

 

I think you are my long lost sister!!!!!!! I dont have any real good advice,

 

I just want to tell you I really like your attitude and I hope you keep it no matter what! Whether you leave or stay, be just like you are right now, (dont change and dont expect less for yourself)

 

Also, have you EVER met a man thats better than your H? I thought they were all like that, until they were "trained"....just kidding!!

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You married the pool boy!

 

a4a y'all gotta shove a torch up his butt while banging the side of his head with a brick. Really.

 

Well, not literally, :laugh: But this man of yours needs a wake up call and I don't know what to suggest except not what you've been doing so far. What you've been doing so far hasn't worked for you so maybe you need to try alternate approaches--things you haven't done before and might not have considered. Just don't do anything mean or damaging to your marriage in the process.

 

 

For goodness sake Craig I have done all these things.... I mean 3 months of crystal clear communications. Nice, then blunt, and now I am getting angry and numb.

 

What do you suggest?

 

Hell I even told him that I was considering to start to look for someone else... this did get a response...... a big WHAT!

 

I almost think if I "faked an A" he might get the message...... but I so suck at lying... my face turns red even trying to hide the smallest thing "like how expensive was this or that".....

 

What do you suggest...... you have given great advice........ what would you do?

 

As for the brick and torch... I have considered it..... but chose a tater to cram up his ass instead :lmao:

 

Funny he did buy things for ex's .......he did do things out of the normal daily caring that we do equally. He did plan ect. I am not jealous just trying to understand the differences. He got burned by all of them... now I am thinking probably for the same exact reason ........they all dumped him and cheated on him except for the first one teenage thing.

 

Start making suggestions people or I am going to use the Tater and pack a bag.

 

Thanks all!

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a4a,

have you've been together 2 years total or married two years.

 

I do lessons with my bf and we alternate who picks them. that way we are learning something new together and spending time together as a couple.

we did dancing and tennis next is scubba lessons.

 

We also have date night every week.

 

but it looks like your problem is he is not listening to you. So maybe take a break go away for three days say very clearly I am not happy in our relationship. these are the things I need, I love and want to work on these things with you but they need to improve.

 

I am going away for a couple days and you take the time to think about what you want to do and we can talk when I get back.

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Just a few questions a4a, (1) were his ex's drama queens, and/or (2) did they treat him like shyt sometimes?

 

 

Well I only know one side of the story from his mouths or his friends. So info may be skewed. These were LTRs, he is not into short terms. But:

 

Ex one lasted from teens to 21ish.... they just grew apart but she turned out to be very annoying, is disliked by all his friends ect. She attempted to stick her nose in our marriage even though they did not speak for 4 or more years.

So I would say she must be a bit of a drama queen. Evidence from friends and her strange attempt at "stabbing" at our M. They had been NC before we met.

 

Ex two....... shat all over him, broke up with him without telling him. Obviously was with another guy. 1.5 to 2 years

 

Ex three....... was way his junior, came over to his home with hickys on her neck...... kinda tells you what was up with that one. I believe it was a 1 yr R.

 

Ex 4 kinda lived with him on and off in his home, she ended up moving to CA with a online bf.

 

He spent 4 years alone, he did not date, and only had a 1 night stand with a girl he knew for quite some time between those past relationships.

 

As far as I know that is it, and according to his friend that is it. Stories seem to match in details ect...... so would tend to believe it is fact.

 

and your final deduction from this info is? :)

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sorry you are feeling so neglected.

I have seen this happen several time in the past year, the wife tells her husband that she's leaving and suddenly they realize what they have. The step up to the plate and do whatever is nessecary to save the marriage.

For me I never said anything until it was far to late.

 

I heard a story that might help; Relationships = plant

 

You have a lovely plant, in the begining you pamper it, make sure it has plenty of water and sunlight. As time goes on life gets busy, new job, kids or parents, the plant gets water only every once in awhile. Then one day you notice the plant is dead, you don't want it to be dead so you pour lots of water on it and it runs right thru, you paint the leaves green to try to make it look alive. But There is no denying the plant is dead and no matrer how hard you try it's dead.

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a4a,

have you've been together 2 years total or married two years.

 

 

I am going away for a couple days and you take the time to think about what you want to do and we can talk when I get back.

 

going on 2 yrs M..... 3 yrs total friends and in R ..... 3 mo. as just friends.

 

I cannot leave..... I have to stay here as I have 18 horses and god knows how many other animals that need daily some hourly care. It is an excellent suggestion tho, but I cannot do it. I actually thought about asking him to leave for a few days and stay at his friend home.......????

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sorry you are feeling so neglected.

I have seen this happen several time in the past year, the wife tells her husband that she's leaving and suddenly they realize what they have. The step up to the plate and do whatever is nessecary to save the marriage.

For me I never said anything until it was far to late.

 

I heard a story that might help; Relationships = plant

 

You have a lovely plant, in the begining you pamper it, make sure it has plenty of water and sunlight. As time goes on life gets busy, new job, kids or parents, the plant gets water only every once in awhile. Then one day you notice the plant is dead, you don't want it to be dead so you pour lots of water on it and it runs right thru, you paint the leaves green to try to make it look alive. But There is no denying the plant is dead and no matrer how hard you try it's dead.

 

Maggie,I like that analogy of the relationship referring to a plant . Makes sense if we don't feed the relationship it will die!! Never looked at it that way thanks.:)

 

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going on 2 yrs M..... 3 yrs total friends and in R ..... 3 mo. as just friends.

 

I cannot leave..... I have to stay here as I have 18 horses and god knows how many other animals that need daily some hourly care. It is an excellent suggestion tho, but I cannot do it. I actually thought about asking him to leave for a few days and stay at his friend home.......????

 

I forgot about your animals. Maybe asking him to leave for a break would make it serious to him.

 

He seems like a decent guy just complacent. Like you guys fell into a routine and are stuck there. and after such short period of time too.

 

I really don't know what else to suggest short of saying I am really unhappy and am thinking of leaving you.

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Couple more questions...about his parents. What is/was his relationship with his mom and dad like? Did their parenting styles match? How was the power spread in his parents marriage? Who was the stronger partner and who was the dominant partner?

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Ok, I've said this a million times on LS. Something that my mother always used to tell me and it's worked for me in my life. And it's this:

 

Keep doing what you've been doing and you'll keep getting what you've been getting.

 

So, you need to shake things up a bit. First of all, no more talks. No nagging, no nothing. You need to be friendly but indifferent. Stop doing little small things (like the tea) that you've been doing. Stop doing anything that you normally do for him. Men can be slow, but believe me he will notice. Don't be rude to him but don't be overly friendly either. Think, non-commital.

 

Do NOT approach him for sex.

 

Look, we get treated the way we allow others to treat us. It's really true. Don't give so much of yourself anymore. Don't let his treatment of you bother you for now. Act like you don't give a f***. He will eventually notice and ask you what's wrong. I wouldn't tell him right away. I'd say nothing is wrong, everything is fine. I'd ask him what he's talking about.

 

Eventually, I'd tell him. Maybe a few days later when he asks again. I'd tell him that you're just acting according to what he seems to expect in a marriage. Tell him that you think maybe he just wants a working partner and that's it. Tell him you're ok with this.

 

He won't like it. He will break his ass trying to please his goddess.

 

And all you people who think this is a game, fine. So be it. It's a game that WORKS! Try it and tell me that it doesn't.

 

Good luck!

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I forgot about your animals. Maybe asking him to leave for a break would make it serious to him.

 

He seems like a decent guy just complacent. Like you guys fell into a routine and are stuck there. and after such short period of time too.

 

I really don't know what else to suggest short of saying I am really unhappy and am thinking of leaving you.

 

 

Okay this is going to sound kinda tacky.... maybe... hell right now I do not know. :lmao:

 

I am friends with his best friend. Should I call his friend and simply without detail explain the situation to him and ask him to invite my H to stay for a couple of days?

 

My H never airs his dirty laundry to any one, including his friends..... he would never ask to stay over there. As a matter a fact this whole ordeal needs to keep a tight lid on it so the gossip does not start. It will f- up my business and his as well if this goes beyond a very very tight circle. It is important to maintain a stable front. A big drama scene would not go over well at all.

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whats wrong with me

 

You have a lovely plant, in the begining you pamper it, make sure it has plenty of water and sunlight. As time goes on life gets busy, new job, kids or parents, the plant gets water only every once in awhile. Then one day you notice the plant is dead, you don't want it to be dead so you pour lots of water on it and it runs right thru, you paint the leaves green to try to make it look alive. But There is no denying the plant is dead and no matrer how hard you try it's dead.

 

LOVE THIS ^ so true, glad you posted it. will try to apply this to my life.

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I am expected to hold down the business end of the fort, put in pasture fences, dig ditches, clean the house, and feed and train his horse... but I do not get any gold stars for my daily tasks. I mean I am probably a dream come true for men..... I can use tools, run a damn giant ass tractor, fix minor car problems, cook like a chef, and suck a dick like a hoover. And I am still pretty damn hot for my ripe old age of 37. I also have a weird/good sense of humor I think???

 

See now I am getting pissed Then I will say......... shoot he is a good guy give him another chance, then I say..... it must be me........ then I will say I deserve more...... then it starts all over again.

 

Right now if you asked me to describe him I would say a hot, sweet, clueless dumbass.

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

honey, I think your DH is the secret twin of mine! He's a good man and I know he loves me dearly, but sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the "buddy zone" with him because I'm more friend than "special girl in his life," and we've been married nearly 14 years.

 

marriage counseling is an excellent idea, but I'll tell you what: Guys don't see it as a way gain tools to improve a good/decent relationship, but as a punishment of sorts for not being good enough as a husband. They're going to drag their feet when it comes to something like that simply because they don't feel anything is "wrong," that if they're content, then you are too (heck, we're all guilty of that to some degree).

 

don't give up on him, don't try to find happiness in a new pasture, but take your little bull aside from time to time and tell him in a non-threatening manner that you love being with him (because it sounds like you do) and you want to find ways to enrich that relationship with him. If he balks, remind him that even the tractor and other implements you use around the farm have to be used and treated carefully to work properly, and a marriage is no different when it comes to maintenence.

 

in the meantime, start looking into marriage enrichment classes offered by local churches or organizations. In past posts, people have mentioned Marriage Builders (not sure if it's a course, a retreat or just reading material); I'm a strong advocate of Marriage Encounter weekends offered by the Catholic Church (you don't have to be Catholic to attend, though). Both offer tools for couples to better communicate with each other and really open your eyes to being more attentive to each other's needs.

 

if you're able to help keep your farm running AND give incredibly good head, I'm sure he realizes he's into something really, really good and loves you dearly. Y'all just need a little boost, just like the rest of us involved in committed, long-term relationships.

 

in the meantime, if he is open to honest conversation, sit him down and tell him how you feel about being forced into the buddy zone all the time, but do it in a non-threatening way so that he hears what you're saying, you know? It sinks in, too, even if it's not immediately evident: my husband is a good man, but not very romantic, and for the most part, that's okay, because I'm not either. Still, I would love to be treated like the "important girl" in his life and not just his buddy. I wasn't expecting anything for

Valentine's Day because he's never made a big deal of it before, but he surprised me yesterday by giving me flowers and a card, something he never, ever does (usually its something for the kitchen or house, practical crap). So, don't despair: if my redneck viejo husband can figure it out, believe me, yours can too.

 

hugs,

quank

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