bob2les Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Dated someone about 13 years ago. This lasted for 2-3 years. We were to be married. Things didn't work out. Met someone else and got married. Married now 13 years. Old grilfriend shows up, wants to be friends. She never married. Shes 54 now. I'm 56. Problem- I still think of her often, even before she returned. Heart tells me being a friend is ok. Gut tells me run like hell the other way. Has anybody ever tried being friends with some they haven't seen for nearly a decade then returns? Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 I say no. This is just going to bring up old feelings, cause trouble in your marriage, hurt your wife... it's not worth it. You can't go backwards in a relationship. Besides, it sounds little fishy from here. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 The fact that you're conflicted about it does not bode well for your marriage. Why tempt fate? The old saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie" has never been more applicable. Link to post Share on other sites
Butterflying Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 If you're happily married, I say run like hell. Being friends with an X, especially when she has never married and probably regrets losing you, is sure to cause problelms. Link to post Share on other sites
tweldy Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 In your lifeb you've had "gut feelings" before, I'd presume. How often has your gut feeling been wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Chump64 Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 I just found out my husband has been cheating on me for 10 years. Trust me, you do NOT want to play with fire. RUN away from this woman unless you want to completely and utterly destroy your wife. If you don't love your wife, be a man and leave her before you start anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
alturrnababe Posted February 15, 2006 Share Posted February 15, 2006 well, I think that just the fact that you asked means you know it's wrong...in my books if you're married you're married.Just avoid this one and look the other way....your spouse doesn't deserve something like that. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
bicyclejunk Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 the "let's be friends" thing never really works. There will ALWAYS be feelings there. Always. You too may not talk about, you may/she may act like it's just a friendship thing, but trust me, there's always going to be underlying feelings there. It could hurt your current situation, especially since you were once meant to be married to this gal. I say no, be nice, but don't keep a big line of contact open. it's not respectful to your wife...especially when you know there's the possibility of old feelings being dug up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bob2les Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 It's been a month now that my ex has showed up again. I was able to contact her and we talked mostly about everyday stuff. She never talked about "us". I'm thinking I'm making this out to be something more then I thought It would be. All she did was come to my workplace and asked if I still worked there and tell me Hi. She was there because of business and would of gone there anyway, reguardless if I worked there or not. I never saw her and she never left any messages, but I was able to find her email address through other channels and I wrote her. She answered and we have spoken several times on the phone. As I said before, it was never about 'us'. When I email her the answers are short and generic. I have been married 13 yrs. now and I thought I was happy and over her. Now I feel all these emotions coming out for the wrong person and its really upseting me. I love my wife but is it possible to love two people at the same time? Up to now I didn't think it could happen, only in the movies. I find myself checking my email (it's password protected) several times a day hoping to see if ex has written. I know this is wrong and I shouldn't be playing with fire. Up to now I thought I was a strong person, it's really sad a 115 lb. woman can knock a 250 man down to his knees without even throwing a single punch. The only bright spot is that the ex is apparently just trying to be nice and has no intentions of carrying it any farther. There has been other women in my life (my job requires me to deal with lots of women everyday). None past the friend stage. They all know that I am married and that I don't play around. Like I said, work friends. In 13 years no one has even come close to make me stray. Till now. And I belive that if it were to come down to it, I would stay home, But its these nagging feelings that just will not let go. Sometimes its so strong that I actually cry. It's like your soul being split apart. I was thinking of taking some counseling. I'm not sure if I can really be open with someone. I was raised that a man just tighten his belt and kept on going. No one has ever seen my cry even when my parents died. I'm about ready to blow up inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 Shoulda gone with your gut. Of course, that's what I said a month ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 You're in love with an idea, a dream. It's been over a decade since you knew this woman. She is not the same person as she was then. A few generic emails won't show you the inner person... so if you are "in love" with her, then you are in love with what you have projected onto her. Who you want her to be, not who she is. If you want to break out of this situation, then you need to accept the fact that you are projecting onto this woman all of the things that are lacking in your relationship currently. Instead of focusing all your energy into dismissing these feelings, dig into them (not with this other woman but alone) and find out what exactly you feel this woman has that is missing from your life currently. A counselor may be able to better guide you in this, and show you the aspects you wouldn't be aware of on your own. (A man will seek the help he needs, but boys refuse for fear of being seen as weak.) Once you find out what it is that is creating such desire to stray, then you have to address it with your wife. Is it the excitment that's missing in your marriage now? Do you feel this other woman will provide you more sexual satisfaction? Is it a feeling of the unknown? What is the underlying problem that allows the idea of this woman to pull you away from your wife? Maybe it's a level of communication that is lacking with your wife? A feeling that you've changed yet your wife hasn't made the effort to see who you are now? Give your wife a chance to help you through this. It won't be easy, but if you explain how you feel she has a choice of either attempting to correct the situation, or ignoring it. But at that point, you have gone to your partner (the woman you promised yourself to, 'til death) with your problem, and have asked for help. That was part of your promise to her. To go to each other when a problem occurs and attempt to find solutions together. Not let it fester until you've destroyed your relationship. When I say explain how you feel, I think it might be better if initially you left off the part about wanting to shag another woman. Explain to your wife that you feel there is something missing in the relationship. That you feel maybe the two of you are taking each other for granted, and you'd like to correct that, but that she will have to work just as hard as you to do so. Make sure she understands the importance of this to you, and that you're not just bringing it up as a fad, or one time thing. You may have to tell her that another woman is catching your attention and you need her help in staying faithful. Your goal is to create a stronger marriage, and she will need to understand what you need from her in order to help you in this. Give your wife the honesty and respect she deserves from you. You would want the same from her if she were torn between you and another man. And if you value your commitment and promises, then your first obligation lies with attempting to repair your marriage. Not chase after a woman you do not know, and haven't seen in over a decade. Your marriage is important, not the idealized dream you've placed on this other woman. Good luck. You have a hard task in front of you, but you seem like a man who values honor and integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
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