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Torn Between two lovers


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Old 12th February 2006, 9:53 PM   #1
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Torn Between two lovers

Some of you might remember my story.

A couple years ago Husband had an affair with a woman he met in Scouting and was all set to leave me and the five kids. We got back together and after intense counseling we were doing fine.

Then, My old boyfriend from 25 years ago lost his father and I attended the funeral. I had kept in contact with his mother and father over the years and was very upset about his passing.

I had posted after seeing him again that the feelings I had for my ex bf were still very strong. This was many months ago and I have had many more meetings and talks with him. Sometimes we get on the phone and talk for hours and I am finding myself torn between my husband and my ex. I am not sure of my ex bf feelings about me, other then the fact he stares at me when I see him and that we flirt outragously on the phone.

I am so confused and I find the more I talk with him the deeper my feelings are becoming.

When I am with him We slip right back into the warm relationship we had long ago. No sex or kissing, just a lot of smiling and looking into each others eyes.
We both have strong moral values and would never think of taking this further unless I was separated from my husband.

Am I heading down the wrong path? I still have a strong connection to my husband and I do love him, but I am finding the feelings for my ex are getting stronger by the day. I just have this terrible feeling that if I stay in my marriage that I will miss out on what should have been from the beginning.

I always felt that me and the ex were the right ones for each other and that we were just too young at the time and we needed to explore other people first.
Help!!
TFW
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Old 12th February 2006, 10:03 PM   #2
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I think you and your husband need to go back to marriage counselling...OR you need to go to individual therapy. After all that you went through the first time, your husband cheating on you and nearly leaving you...

Ofcourse the feelings for your ex-old-boyfriend are still there, and the more you see/talk to him the more intense those feelings will be. It isn't fair to your husband and ALL 5 of your kids. You need to figure it out, either confess and tell your H was is going on and be honest, tell him you're confused and hope he gives you the same understanding that you gave him during his affair. But by doing that, you HAVE to end it with the exbf. It's the only way to see if your marriage will work. If you don't try that you might as well end the marriage.

Remember though, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Just because the ex makes you feel good, doesn't mean that your lives will mesh nicely together...And your kids. What about them?

I get that you were young, and probably should have explored your options back then, but it is too late...Too many people jump ship when they feel tired and bored. Why not work to make the marriage work. Be happy with what you have, love the man infront of you. Not the one from the past...
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Old 12th February 2006, 10:30 PM   #3
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I've noticed in observing alot of people's posts regarding 'old flames' that they tend to become more obsessive during times of stress. Is there a possibility that you still haven't completely resolved the issue of your husband's previous affair?

EA's are about turning outside the marriage in order to have your needs met. I think the question you have to ask yourself is 'Why are my needs unmet within the marital relationship?'

The flirtation with your 'old flame' will prevent you from reaching a state of emotional intimacy with your husband. In some ways...you're actively seeking it from another. There's no way your husband can fill that void for you if you allow someone else to occupy the space.
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Old 12th February 2006, 10:44 PM   #4
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I was immediately struck by this contradiction:

We both have strong moral values and would never think of taking this further unless I was separated from my husband.

Are your moral values stuck on the physical aspect of an affair? To my mind it is not so much the physical infidelity which is devestating in a relationship - it is the emotional infidelity.

Why go through the trauma & upset of an affair & the subsequent rebuilding of your marriage to throw it all away on a 'what if' scenario with an old b/friend from 25 years ago?

I am so confused and I find the more I talk with him the deeper my feelings are becoming.

Then stop talking to him.

Am I heading down the wrong path?

That entirely depends on where you want to be at the end of your journey.
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Old 12th February 2006, 11:04 PM   #5
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If you dont want it to go anywhere then stop talking to him and spending time with him
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Old 12th February 2006, 11:17 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluechocolate
Am I heading down the wrong path?

That entirely depends on where you want to be at the end of your journey.
That's the bottom line alright. I can't agree enough.
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Old 13th February 2006, 9:08 AM   #7
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I remember your sense of indignation regarding your husband's affair - the tables are turned here - imagine his response when he discovers you are heading down the same path.

Put a stop to this if you want to remain married.
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Old 13th February 2006, 9:56 PM   #8
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Good Points

I have read the posts and I agree that I should stop talking to the Ex, but, through the entire 20 years of my marriage I have never felt about my husband the way I have about my Ex.
That is the big issue with me.

My husband is not one to show any public affection, he doesn't hold my hand or touch me and he only kisses me once a day in the morning before he leaves for work. Throughout our whole marriage this has been a big issue with me. He came from a very cold family life.

The only time he touches me is in bed at night when he wants sex.

My Ex. on the other hand has always held my hand, fondled my hair, touched my face ... Shown me loving gestures throughout the day.

I find that because of this I feel unloved by my husband and I have to constantly be asking him if he still loves me.

I feel that its that strong emotional need for a loving touch that seems the problem in our relationship.

I love my husband and we have discussed this problem in counseling, he will attempt to touch me for a week or two, then we go right back to same old thing.
I also still love my Ex. I always have.
This is why it is so hard to let it go.
TFW
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Old 13th February 2006, 11:10 PM   #9
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Quote:
I have never felt about my husband the way I have about my Ex.
It is highly likely that you feel this way because you have never idealized your husband as you have this other man. Your husband wasnt one of the ones who got away.

I totally understand what youre saying though, and its sad that we get so comfortable in relationships that we no longer do the loving things that make each other want to be with us.

What you have described is very typical. He's gotten comfortable and busy and doesnt realize how much you need his love and affection.

Then you factor in a man who is putting in a lot of effort to keep you, and it gets incredibly confusing.

The Ex would probably become lax in doing these loving things over time too, its not just a problem with your husband.

There are 2 really good books:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
His Needs, Her Needs, How to Build An Affair Proof Marriage by Willard Harley

I strongly suggest that you and your husband sit down and discuss how you feel, and read these books. You will probably find that he feels some things are missing too. Unless you talk to him and make some efforts, this will quickly unravel. I believe that if you both want to bring each other what is missing, you can get over this rough patch. Have you considered the possibility that he finds it difficult to give you what you need when he's not getting what he needs? Has he ever even told you what he needs?? Those books are VERY helpful and explain all of this much better than I could, so I wont even try....just read them

The only way to work on your marriage is to stop contact with your Ex. It is too confusing to have someone on the side while hypocritically working on your marriage...it wont work that way.
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