Why the long face?

[Guest]

Hi all, I have been married for five years now and I feel like things are falling apart. My husband works nights and I work days so when we do get to see each other it is precious. The promblem is we don't get to see each other. When we are home at the same time my husband is always on the PC. Looking either cars or Porn. The porn is a huge issue and has been, why if I am coming home in 2 hours can't he wait for me, to make love to me. It's not like this has happened once or twice but atleast once a week.

 

2nd issue, obviously he won't watch porn when I am home so he is on car sights. Today I had enough and asked him if we could set aside "us" time. When the other is working that is your time, personal time, but when we are actually together that is us time. So when I asked him if we could set aside like an hour or so during the week (Tuesaday to Thursday) and just hang out, he said why, we see each other. I was crushed. I fianlly get up the nerve to ask him and you should have seen his face, he seemed dissapointed. So I gave up and silently cried, so silety he was in the same room and didn't even notice. I mean today for example, he came hom at 5pm after running, he went staight to the PC, then at 5:45, I ask him if we can hang out. We have not seen each other all day, he was up at 3:00pm so he had several hours to do his own thing. We only have until 7pm to hang out, I don't feel like I am asking to much.

 

Why is it to much to ask to spend time with the one you love. Typically he sits on the PC while I do what ever then after about 30 min I come as ask him if he would come spend time with me. It is so humiliating, I feel like I have to beg my husband to spend time with me. I know his moods so I ask once and if he doesn't spend time with me then I leave him alone. Always walking on egg shells.

 

I feel like I am getting used to this. I don't want to get used to this, I am 23 years old and I know I can not put with many more years of this.

 

How do I know when it is time to go. I know I love him, but I also know I am not in a healthy relationship.

 

About the porn thing, when I told him how hurt I was he told me he has always done it and would not stop. I have even caught him on an escort site locally. He said he was curious, but what next. he has pushed out relationship aside for so many selfish reasons who is to say he won't take it one more step.

 

He even rents and makes copues for himself and other people, which I have not asked him about. But it is embarrasing that he makes copies of pronos for others. He is advertising that he would rather watch pornos then be with me.

 

I can see that I am rambling, so I will let you all go. any advice would be great.

 

Thanks all.

[Outcast]

Ask him if he's considered that he might be an Internet addict. Get him to read this site

 

http://www.netaddiction.com/articles/symptoms.htm

 

And then tell him it troubles you that he spends all his free time on the Internet and ask him if he'll go to counselling with you or alone about this.

[ThatOneGuy]

Internet addict? That makes my crack addiction sound like nothing!

 

Erm, Nevermind.

 

Anyway, Im so sorry for you! It's hard to believe that people in their 20's can come to this sort of existence together! I mean, it's not unheard of this sort of thing happening to couples in their 40's/50's that have already spent quite a lot of time together (Most of their lives) as it is.

 

Hmm, remember how against affairs I am people? This is one of the only times I couldn't blame someone if they did. That doesn't mean that you should, no no, Im just saying that you really need to give him that cold hard slap in the face that you don't like this. If he can't make time for you, then what the hell are you doing? If he continues to be like this, tell him to get the **** OUT!

 

Jesus H Christ. Marriage is supposed to be a union of people in love. Husband/wife is not just a title to be warn, it is what the word signifies that is the important part! What happened to unyielding love? What is wrong with the world that a man can't make time in his "Oh-so-busy" life for his wife? BLAH!

 

Im sorry, this issue has gotten me a little steamed. Your husband is a jerk, tell him so. Tell him that he is a fat, lazy man that you refuse to be married to unless he gets his stuff together. He is undeserving of you, truly.

 

I hope you get this sorted out, and I really hope that your husband gets his act together. His actions so far are UNACCEPTABLE!

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

Outcast and ThatOneGuy, thank you both for the replies. I don't think my husband is an addict. He typically spends about 3 hours a day on the PC, the only problem is that is also time we should be spending together.

 

About the affairs thing, I sometime think it would be easy if my husband found someone else, then leaving would not be so hard. I do love my husband. I am just unhappy (but that changes all the time). We have so much together, we own a home, have nice things, new cars ... we have built a great life together.

 

Then something changed. {Now} he loves to spend more time with his brothers and respects them more. We went to this car thing tonight, he is really into cars and he would go hang out with people he barely knows. He would just walk away from me to go hang out with them and I would stand there alone for like 15-20 min before he would come back. I don't understand why he would not invite me to go hang with them as well.

 

Over x-mas we went to see his family, he was a real jerk, as he always is when he is around them. He thinks he has to put me in my place in front of them to show them how much of a man he is. When he opened my gifts, he mocked each one in front of the whole family. I found out later that night when his brothers and aunt were hanging out they were talking about our relationship and why he was being such a jerk. They were wondering why when we would go place he would not invite me, they said they all liked my company and did not understand it.

 

There is so much more to the story. One big things I don't understand is that before we met his was with a guy, he said he was confused and didn't know why he was. He said he likes women and that at the time he just needed someone. Then we met, and have been together for 8 years, but sometimes he looks at gay porn. I asked him about this, did he want to be with men, and why was he with me. And he told me no, and that he loves me. Even besides that I think our marriage can work, well, I would like it to.

 

At the same time, I worry that I am wasting my good years. I am 23 for gods sake. I am so young. Do I really want to devote 10 more years to have it come crashing down. Then I would have wasted so much of my life.

 

I think I am a great person, I am pretty, I have a great job, I figure skate and paint/draw. I am smart and funny. I get along great with people. I wonder if I could have more, but then I am scared that even though things are not great, that I will not find anyone as good as him. We have our great moments. We can have lots of fun together. I do so much for him, I cook, clean and do all the shopping when he is working so during his days off he can relax and spend time with me.

 

Maybe this is a rut?

 

I am very confused, I know people say when the marriage is over you will know, just like that. I wonder if that is true. I keep waiting for that moment and until then I will put 100% into my marriage.

 

Sorry to ramble. Thanks again for your advise, I sincerely appreciate it.

[whichwayisup]

Ask him to go to marriage counselling with you. Since there are no kids in your life right now, maybe it is time for both of you to figure out what if the marriage is what you both want. I'm not telling you to end it, but you can't spend the rest of your life with a man who doesn't respect you and puts you so low on his priority list.

 

It sounds like he is quite immature and needs a hard swift kick in the butt! Damn right you should be included in functions that he goes too, especially if family is going to be there.

 

Talk to him about how you feel.

[tweldy]

The first thing I have to say is very uncharacteristic of me - I tend not to suggest life decisions, rather offer some ways to help make a decision. The Internet porn and car obsession are bad, but mocking your presents at the holidays in front of his family? That's ranks as a pretty dire problem in my book. There is a point where emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. Honestly, it would hurt me less if my wife got angry and slapped me than to have mocked presents I got her in front of her family. I get a strong feeling that leaving this relationship is worthy of serious consideration on your part.

 

Also, pardon my math, but if you're 23 and have been together for 8 years, doesn't that make you 15 when you got together? Also, if he was having relationships with other men, I'd imagine he was substantially older than you when you got together. I'm not criticizing the age different, but I am concerned that he's being this confused sexually and this emotionally infantile at... 30ish? He's got some problems to work through and he hasn't been doing something about them by now, its going to require a lot more work than if he were in his early 20s.

 

As for worrying about finding a better person. In a sense, I'd say being with someone who is abusive is worse than not being with no one. However, in your case, I'm worried that your life experience has led you to believe that your are not worthy of someone who will love and respect you and treat you as you deserve to be treated. Were you abused or neglected as a child? Did you grow up with a single mother, never having a decent father figure to model what to expect from a spouse? I think you may need to examine deeply why you feel that you would never find someone better and this might be the real key to your emotional well being.

[Guest]

Tweedy and WhichWayIsUp. Thank you both for the replies.

 

yes, i was 15 when we met, he was 20. The first 2 years, 7 months until we got married were actually a long distance relationship. He was in the military and I was of course back home in school. I have only had one other boyfried, for a month.

 

My dad was at the time dating his mom, they did not get married, so I did not marry my step brother as most people would joke about. you seem sensitive so I am sure you wouldnt joke about it. My parents divorced and I was at first raised my mom who yes, neglected us.

 

Then my dad got custody. I would say he was a great dad. He set me straight morally, I am daddys little girl. We are the closest in the family, but my other siblings all left because they felt he was to strick.

 

I was a little more mature then them although I am the youngest and knew I would benefit from this. My dad, did at times, during my teen years take his relationships as a first priority over me. I do resent him a little for this, but I also wanted him to be happy and have a companion.

 

My husband was 18 when we was in a relationship with a man, he got out of it at 19 and joined the military. He said he knew it was not what he wanted, but I do think he is still confused.

 

As I have gotten older, I understand that i am worthy of being with someone who respects me, but I am also married so thus I am hoping that person will/would be my husband. I guess I am still hoping. Recently, I have been more assertive in our relationship, telling him that I have changed and what i want and the way I expect to be treated has changed. sometimes though I feel like I am weak and it is easier to apologize then argue.

 

I have suggested counsling but he won;t have anything to do with it. He has this farce about him, I think he is not happy with him self but he instead acts very narsasistic. I asked him once what he did not like abiut himself and he said nothing, I try to not to think aboutmy self in any negative way. So because of this, he rarley apolgizes for things he has done, instead he gives me excusses.

 

There is so much have to consider, typing this all out is very therapudic. I appreciate all suggestions and comments, it gives me a differnt angle to my situation to consider.

 

Thank you both again for your caring and thoughtful comments.

[clandestinidad]

I agree with the other posts

 

I also think you might want to consider not having sex with him until you get more information and understanding about him. I'd hate to see you posting about any STD or illness that you picked up from him because he was secretly sleeping with men. The fact that he is so closed off and distant from you is not a good sign regarding his past flings with men and gay porn

[Guest]

He SAYS he loves you, then treats you so bad that his relatives comment on it. Mockery, neglect, spooling up for some cheatin' as well (if he hasn't already gone there).

 

As a sruvivor of a painful marriage, I would say, "Get out now while you are still young!" Believe me, the average BAG LADY can find someone to treat her better than this. It's just your fear talking if you think he is the best you can do.

 

I am pro-marriage and pro-commitment in most cases. Not yours, however.