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Love lost???? Any ideas???


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Old 8th February 2006, 9:27 PM   #1
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Love lost???? Any ideas???

OK, what follows constitutes my first ever forum posting, so please forgive me if my forum etiquette is not up to par. Here is my situation.
I am madly in love with my wife. We were married about 4 months ago, and things have been absolutely rotten ever since. We lived together for a couple of years before getting married, so the whole cohabitation shock thing is probably not a factor. She expressed concerns over her feelings about the wedding about 2 months before the date was to happen. Up until then, she was really excited and happy and then poof, it all evaporated. She said that she felt like she was developing cold feet and thought it would pass. She said she was afraid of losing her independence and missing out on a portion of her life. I should mention here that she is 24 years old and I am 5 years her senior. On top of her "cold feet" she told me that she had developed a fairly severe crush on a good friend of mine, and didn't know what to think about that. On top of all this, we stopped having sex with any regularity over a year ago because she said she didn't like the way it made her feel afterwards. There was never a problem during, but afterwards there was sometimes crying and what she described as an "icky feeling". Now I like to think that I am leaning toward the sensitive side of the spectrum when it comes to average human males, and I just want her to be happy, which she clearly is not with me. She says that she loves me and wants to be with me, but we are both miserable with the current trend. I came up with the idea that maybe she needed to get away from me for a while to look at things more objectively, and she decided to go visit a friend far away for a while. She has not actually left on this excusion yet, but it is in the works. In the meantime, things are intolerable around the house. It feels like she is picking fights all the time and then accusing me of having instigated the whole thing. It is becoming quite maddening. I have no idea what to think or to do. Never in my life have I felt so helpless to affect my own existence. I want to be with her, but not if she doesn't want to be with me. I suspect that she may not be being honest with herself about her feelings, and staying with me because it's simply what is familiar. This is not a healthy situation for either of us, and I don't know what to do. Please please please, any advice ya'll might have on this subject would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 8th February 2006, 9:35 PM   #2
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i do not think that going away will help her. she needs to get into counselling to work through some deep issues about sex and commitment.

you probably are too soft with her. set some boundaries. don't let her walk all over you or disrespect you.
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Old 8th February 2006, 9:43 PM   #3
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What kind of boundaries would you suggest?? I really have no idea how to go about handling any of this. I must admit that I am a little naive when it comes to what women are thinking, even the one I've been living with for almost 4 years.....
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Old 8th February 2006, 9:48 PM   #4
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that she cut off all contact with her crush.
that she go to counseling to resolve the sexual issue and the commitment issue.
that if she doesn't work on these things that you will not stay married to her.
that she stop picking fights with you and start treating you with respect.
that the resolution needs to start now and things need to be very good by the end of the year.

these are serious threats to the marriage and you should not stand by and do nothing. it is your life too and she is making it miserable for you. she needs to shape up or ship out. it's up to her to resolve her emotional problems and you couldn't do it even if you wanted to.

why did you 2 get married if you weren't even having sex? was there social pressure? did you want to and she didn't? i don't get it.

it may be that she really is not ready for the commitment. but counselling should help her face her own feelings and at least there should be a resolution that does not destroy your life.

Last edited by cygny; 8th February 2006 at 9:53 PM..
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Old 10th February 2006, 12:41 PM   #5
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From reading your post crazycold it sounds to me like your wife is having an affair, it'd explain the sudden change in behaviour and you did mention the crush. Do you think it's at all possible?

If you have any suspicions my advice would be for you to be discreet. Don't let on you're suspicious, sit back and quietly watch, gather evidence until you have enough to prove it.

Hopefully this isn't the case though, having recently experienced it myself I can honestly say it's the worst thing anyone has ever done on me - I wouldn't wish the hurt no anyone.

What is obvious is that you need to sit down with her and tell her exactly how you are feeling. Tell her you're not happy and that you want to move forward. Don't raise your voice, think about what you're going to say and don't let her interrupt you until you've had your say.

I've been in the same situation also and I can't say I'm any better today. As much as you love your wife unless you think this situation is any way recoverable, you should think about seperation.
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