Trying......not sure of answers....

[Porter House]

You know i am not sure what made me seek out this forum, but i am kinda glad i am here. I feel like i am among friends who deal with similar issues. I have alot i wanna get out and i feel like i have come to the right place. Any way let me start off with my story.....

Ok my wife and i have been married almost 5 years now and we have been together 6 years/ We have one son whom we both adore. Well the last 6 years have been great to me yes we have had our ups and downs and now lately it seems like we are having more downs than normal. I admit i haven't been the greatest of husbands. I always taught to be secretive and it was the best way to have a relationship say nothing and no one gets hurt. Well i was wrong, my wife never knew i had all these feeling inside. She had built up some me but never said anything to me. I hate to fight with her and i hate to see her cry. I call her my angel man i love so much i would never want to change her. I can't some times i just wanna stare at her b/c i am so in love with her. Well the problem with that is that she has no idea how much i love her.

Well before we got married my wife had no dating life before she met me and i am the only one she has been with sexually and well everything. She always wonders what it is like to be with some one else oth than me. I can't change that i know she will always want to know. Well her and i have been fighting on and off for the last almost 8 months now. She thinks it will be easy if we seperate. I don't think that is the answer b/c that is not how i was raised.

OK now lets get onto the problem at hand. My wife started a new job about a year ago. Well she works in the office of a plant and all the guys in the plant think she is not stuff. I am sure she loves the attention hell i am glad she gets noticed b/c she is a beautiful woman. There is this one guy though his name is well let's call him J just out of respect for him. Well J sees my wife and instantly falls in love with her. He finds out she is married but still he won't leave her alone. My wife is super friendly to everyone which is why married she is always so happy. J finally talks to her and she doesn't say you know what i am married. She welcomes him in. Well after a little bit i call my wife at work to ask her something and they said she left b/c she was having car problems. At that point i paniced(sp?) so i went to look for her. I traced her steps back to work, as i approached her work i see her car with a pick up truck next to it. This guy that likes her is sitting in the car with a beer. No i didn't get out and accuse her i wanted to make sure she was ok. She said they were just talking.

Any way time has gone on now and she is still talking to J and he has become a big part of her life he evens sticks up for her at work. My wife wrecked the car back a couple months ago so i take her to work. She saw J one morning when i dropped her off and she looked a little giddy to see him. I know they have lunch together and she talks to him about her and i. Did i mention he just broke with his gf? She even walks with him when they go for walks.

The other night she asked me why she can't have friends. I said she could have friend but they had to be of the female. She wanted to know why she couldn't hang out with guys. I know she wants to hang out with J. I tried to explain to her that when you are married you don't hang out with other guys and she doesn't understand it. Things have gotten out of hand since this guy has come along.

Our sex life has become very scarce we used to do it all the time just whenever. Now i am lucky to make love to her once every two weeks. I just feel like i have become unattractive to her. Maybe i am just over reacting about all this. I love my wife so much and all i hear about is people cheating and see things on the net where guys get married women and use them and don't want them any more. I don't want her to become one of those women. Like i said she is my angel i would be nothing without her. She has no idea how i feel about her. I mean i have told her but she doesn't believe it. I am scared i don't know what to do.

I hopefully start some conseling next week. I get depressed alot and just wanna sit and stare at a wall. I have my son to keep me busy though.I am not starting counseling to say i have a problem i am doin it b/c i need to talk to some one. When i talk to her about how i feel all we do is fight, When i talk to my family she thinks negatively. I am just so down and confused about what to do. I don't want to leave her i love her so much. I just wish she knew.

Oh yeah i know she knows i look at this sight she left the history wide open today so i am sure she will see this when she looks again.

Don't get me wrong she is a great wife and an even better mom but i am just so confused about what is goin on. I am just so hurt and confused i just want her to sit and listen to me that's all i ask for.....that's all.....

 

 

Sorry if this was to long...i have alot inside i am keeping to myself...

 

Porter House:(

[whichwayisup]

Aww PH...I have to say you're sweet and right now you need to tell your wife how you feel. It's time...Lay it all out on the line for her. Maybe even print out your thoughts, what you wrote here and show it to her. SHE needs to see and hear you say I LOVE YOU. And that you need her.

 

With that being said, she has definately turned to this OM (other man) because he giving her attention. She is getting some needs met that weren't being met at home...Sorry and I don't mean to hurt your feelings because you seem so aware of your wrong doings, not being as open with her with the feelings you have...I know it's hard to open up and share those intimate thoughts with her, but she really needs to hear those words from you, that support from you, not this OM.

 

She knows having him in her life isn't right which is why she is acting defensive when you tell her she can't hang out with him anymore. Ask her what she feels for this guy and that you aren't going to be second fiddle to him. She needs to decide to stay married to you, work on the marriage together or leave. Maybe scaring her abit and letting her know that she can't have something on side will knock some sense back into her.

 

Okay, I just read (must have missed that earlier) that she is aware of this site. That is GOOD then. She can read your thoughts, see your pain. See what SHE is putting you through.

 

Hope you feel better, keep on venting, it's good for the soul. And most of all, you need to get this stuff out of you.

 

Good for going to counselling, that will help so much as well.

[Porter House]

Thanks whichwayisup, but there is only one problem. when i do anything like you suggested she says she wants to leave and thinks that willl fix it and we fight some more. I don't want to give her ultimatums i just want her to know how much i care for her and that she doesn't need another man in her life. I trust it is just the men i don't trust. I am a man myself i know what men think. She can be naive. She is my heart and soul and i love her to no end......

 

Porter House

[whichwayisup]

I know you love her...But she is taking advantage of that fact Porter. She HAS to end it with this man. He is poison to your marriage.

 

Is he married?? If so, talk to HIS wife...See how she feels when she finds out he's been spending too much time with a married woman...Their "friendship" is not right and it's affecting you, affecting your marriage...And sadly, it's affecting your child together. You and your son should be number 1...Not this OM.

 

You are scared and ofcourse that fear is stopping you from reacting. The thing is, she is the one doing something wrong, not you!!! She is making you feel guilty and bad by what she is doing to you! Does that make sense? She is your heart and soul, but are you hers right now? Honestly, not fully. All the love is there, maybe not as intense as it once was because this OM has stolen that part of her. SO, FIGHT to get your wife back. Don't let him woo her away.

 

I hope I'm not coming off to harshly...I just see how much you love her...And how much she is in denial of her actions and what she is doing to you.

[Porter House]

No you aren't bein harsh it is things i need to hear, but again i am to scared i just want to end my marriage over something like and our son doesn't deserve it. He sees us fight enough. I jusat want her to know and see how much i love her. I live breathe and sleep and all i can think about is her. Not sure if that is wrong or not i just love her so much. I even thought letting her be with another man for one night so she could say she tried it and she would get it out of her system then things would be ok between us again. I know it is not the right way all i know is i want to fix things and make them normal or semi normal again. Thanks for letting me get this all out.

 

Porter House

[Curmudgeon]

PH, you need to stop being "secretive" and tell your wife how you really feel ~~ not about J ~~ about her. Start romancing her every day in small, sweet ways. Hug and kiss her. Buy her a rose just for nothing other than the fact that you love her. Little, loving cards left where she'll find them, sticky notes with a short, loning message on the steering wheel of her car, in her wallet, someplace she'll she;ll notice them, "I love you" written in the steam on the bathroom mirror that will be there when she get's out of the tub or shower.

 

Do a few extra things around the house that will ease her burden. Hire a sitter and start having date nights regularly. Get the idea?

 

The more you bring up J, the more you'll drive her to him.

 

Woo your wife. It doesn't hurt a bit.

[whichwayisup]

No you aren't bein harsh it is things i need to hear, but again i am to scared i just want to end my marriage over something like and our son doesn't deserve it. He sees us fight enough. I jusat want her to know and see how much i love her. I live breathe and sleep and all i can think about is her. Not sure if that is wrong or not i just love her so much. I even thought letting her be with another man for one night so she could say she tried it and she would get it out of her system then things would be ok between us again. I know it is not the right way all i know is i want to fix things and make them normal or semi normal again. Thanks for letting me get this all out.

 

Porter House

 

You don't have to end your marriage...Not at all! And don't EVER let her be with another man to keep her at home. That is horrible and unfair to you and your son, let alone those marriage vows she took. That door cannot be opened, ever.

 

Ask her to go to marriage counselling with you. Tell her what she is doing is killing you. As hard as it will be, you have to show her your emotions and let her know how you feel. It's the only way to stop this from progressing into a full-on affair.

 

I'm glad you can open up here, this place will help you alot.

 

Cur has given you some wonderful advice too!

[Porter House]

Curm thanks for the advice but i already lighten her burden. She works alot of long hours to get over time so we can pay bills and so on and so forth. So i understand she is tired and i know she wants to see her child when she gets home. I just would like to occupy five minutes of her time before we go to sleep or just to appreciate me is all. I take good care of my wife i just don't know if she sees it. I would do anything for her. Sadly enough she doesn't like roses she likes carnations. Thanks again!

 

Porter house

[Curmudgeon]

And the rest?

 

I had a marriage of 25 years finally fall apart in part because I didn't invest the time, thought and energy in it that a true marriage deserves and NEEDS.

 

I probably made excuses too.

 

Now I know better.

[Porter House]

That is other problem she refuses counseling and thinks she doesn't need to talk either. She thinks she will be cornered. Alot to do with her past. Yeah you have all helped i am just so scared. I am usually in bed by now. I really wanted to make love to her tonight but i dissappointed myself b/c i thought she would want to after not seeing me all week. I just set me expections to high is all. I just wanted her to touch me like she meant it.

You are right about coming here i feel a little bit better, but i feel like i should be talking to her about this. I guess that is the right way to think.

 

Porter House

[whichwayisup]

So, give her carnations! Get a baby sitter and GO out for the night. Show her what you've got!! Have fun, do a nice dinner and then do something fun. Something that will get her laughing and smiling.

[Porter House]

I have done all that and then some. Is it wrong to think she should do it once in a while? I don't want to sound self absorbed i mean i arrange all the outings i just want her for once to say hey you know what i wanna take you out tonight. I want her to want me. Is that selfish?

 

Porter House

[Porter House]

I am pretty sure once she finds this and reads it she will be angry with me b/c i got my feeling out on the net. I just had to get something out i am just darn frustrated.

 

Porter House

[whichwayisup]

You're not selfish at all!! Infact, I think you're quite humble and don't think enough of yourself to take. You seem like quite a giver...That is wonderful! And yeah, she should be putting alot more effort into you and your needs. Marriage is a 100% give both ways, not 50-50. It seems she isn't meeting your needs. Showing you the love and affection you deserve.

 

This is all about baby steps too. So, gently suggest the counselling. Not to pick apart the marriage, but to make it stronger. See how she feels about that. She doesn't have to bring up her past, the issues NOW are the things that have to be sorted out. She has to listen as well as be heard...

[whichwayisup]

I am pretty sure once she finds this and reads it she will be angry with me b/c i got my feeling out on the net. I just had to get something out i am just darn frustrated.

 

Porter House

 

Okay, well if she is pissed off, it's because she's ashamed of what she's doing to you, and reading your thoughts, reading our advice to you is having an impact on her because she KNOWS that it is wrong and is hurting you.

 

Mrs Porter House, if you do happen to be reading what your husband is writing - I'm telling you, YOU need to stop and think about what you could lose. You can't have a man on the side and be married. It just isn't right and it's selfish. Cruel and selfish.

 

Fix your marriage, LOVE your husband and your child. This other guy isn't it for you. You're loving the feelings he is giving you, the crushy new lust feelings. THAT IS all. You and your husband have a history together, family, friends, vows, the marriage, a CHILD. A life together. Really think about what you're doing. You have a husband who is pouring out his heart, sharing his pain here and asking how to make his wife happy and be just with him. SO many women want a man that is loving and giving - I hope you see this. I hope you see how wonderful you have it.

 

Ok, well if she is reading, I do hope that she isn't angry at you anymore! I hope she realizes her mistake and ends this friendship with that guy.

[ladybluedevil123]

You know i am not sure what made me seek out this forum, but i am kinda glad i am here. I feel like i am among friends who deal with similar issues. I have alot i wanna get out and i feel like i have come to the right place. Any way let me start off with my story.....

Ok my wife and i have been married almost 5 years now and we have been together 6 years/ We have one son whom we both adore. Well the last 6 years have been great to me yes we have had our ups and downs and now lately it seems like we are having more downs than normal. I admit i haven't been the greatest of husbands. I always taught to be secretive and it was the best way to have a relationship say nothing and no one gets hurt. Well i was wrong, my wife never knew i had all these feeling inside. She had built up some me but never said anything to me. I hate to fight with her and i hate to see her cry. I call her my angel man i love so much i would never want to change her. I can't some times i just wanna stare at her b/c i am so in love with her. Well the problem with that is that she has no idea how much i love her.

Well before we got married my wife had no dating life before she met me and i am the only one she has been with sexually and well everything. She always wonders what it is like to be with some one else oth than me. I can't change that i know she will always want to know. Well her and i have been fighting on and off for the last almost 8 months now. She thinks it will be easy if we seperate. I don't think that is the answer b/c that is not how i was raised.

OK now lets get onto the problem at hand. My wife started a new job about a year ago. Well she works in the office of a plant and all the guys in the plant think she is not stuff. I am sure she loves the attention hell i am glad she gets noticed b/c she is a beautiful woman. There is this one guy though his name is well let's call him J just out of respect for him. Well J sees my wife and instantly falls in love with her. He finds out she is married but still he won't leave her alone. My wife is super friendly to everyone which is why married she is always so happy. J finally talks to her and she doesn't say you know what i am married. She welcomes him in. Well after a little bit i call my wife at work to ask her something and they said she left b/c she was having car problems. At that point i paniced(sp?) so i went to look for her. I traced her steps back to work, as i approached her work i see her car with a pick up truck next to it. This guy that likes her is sitting in the car with a beer. No i didn't get out and accuse her i wanted to make sure she was ok. She said they were just talking.

Any way time has gone on now and she is still talking to J and he has become a big part of her life he evens sticks up for her at work. My wife wrecked the car back a couple months ago so i take her to work. She saw J one morning when i dropped her off and she looked a little giddy to see him. I know they have lunch together and she talks to him about her and i. Did i mention he just broke with his gf? She even walks with him when they go for walks.

The other night she asked me why she can't have friends. I said she could have friend but they had to be of the female. She wanted to know why she couldn't hang out with guys. I know she wants to hang out with J. I tried to explain to her that when you are married you don't hang out with other guys and she doesn't understand it. Things have gotten out of hand since this guy has come along.

Our sex life has become very scarce we used to do it all the time just whenever. Now i am lucky to make love to her once every two weeks. I just feel like i have become unattractive to her. Maybe i am just over reacting about all this. I love my wife so much and all i hear about is people cheating and see things on the net where guys get married women and use them and don't want them any more. I don't want her to become one of those women. Like i said she is my angel i would be nothing without her. She has no idea how i feel about her. I mean i have told her but she doesn't believe it. I am scared i don't know what to do.

I hopefully start some conseling next week. I get depressed alot and just wanna sit and stare at a wall. I have my son to keep me busy though.I am not starting counseling to say i have a problem i am doin it b/c i need to talk to some one. When i talk to her about how i feel all we do is fight, When i talk to my family she thinks negatively. I am just so down and confused about what to do. I don't want to leave her i love her so much. I just wish she knew.

Oh yeah i know she knows i look at this sight she left the history wide open today so i am sure she will see this when she looks again.

Don't get me wrong she is a great wife and an even better mom but i am just so confused about what is goin on. I am just so hurt and confused i just want her to sit and listen to me that's all i ask for.....that's all.....

 

 

Sorry if this was to long...i have alot inside i am keeping to myself...

 

Porter House:(

hi,

im a married woman myself and to tell you the truth, you should talk to your wife and see why she wants to have guy friends or all of you go out and have drinks ,get to know her guy friends. Dont hold back from your wife if shes the one you love the most. It hurts me when my husband keeps things from me. But the last time i trusted him with one of my female friends he slept with her. So just talk to her,be honest,stay calm,trust her and remember you two have achild together why would you want to hurt him??? It always hurts the kids more than it does the adults!!

 

sincerly,

married lady

[neek]

Dear Porter,

(Hey all, I'm new, and happy to be here!)

 

I've read your story and I really feel for you. To answer your most recent question, hell no you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting HER to make some sparks, for wanting her to want you...she IS your wife after all! It should be expected and reciprocal, it shouldn't all be left up to you. You have such a kind heart and I truly hope you can talk to her and resolve your problems without fighting (too much, anyway). You sound so loving, and any wife would be lucky to have someone who cares and tries as much as you do. And I think it is so adorable that you would be content to just stare at her lovingly all day!

 

On the other hand, you do say you are holding back, which I understand...it is hard to bring things up when you're afraid of the consequences and don't want to start arguments or hear things you're afraid you might hear. Have you considered writing her a letter? I'm sure it would be a long one, but to me at least, it always helps to get things out in writing, let the person read what you have on your mind and think about it before reacting. Otherwise, you can get tangled in hasty emotions and get too frustrated/scared/annoyed/angry/jealous and not get out what you really wanted to. I have found this helpful, maybe you can too.

 

About counseling - that can be a scary issue for many people. To me, I look at it as having someone help direct you to think about what you should and need to talk about. Other people might view it as invasive and intimidating, not to mention it can seem forceful, which, who likes being forced into anything? I think, at least, that counseling should really be left for people who really want it and aren't afraid to ask for help. If you really want this, I would approach it by asking her to think about it as a possibility, and truly, if she really loves you and still wants to be your wife and have a life with you, she will take into consideration all options of help, even if she doesn't like to think or admit she needs it.

 

About J, I must say that it seems a bit suspicious (even though I had a severly suspicious BF at one point and try my best not to be that way because I know how it feels to be on the "receiving suspicion" end). Moreso, you say that she is working more hours which raises another flag. If you think she is legitimately working more, then no need to worry. However, you might want to ask some related questions, such as why, or what projects she's working on and why they need extra attention from HER all the time (can't anyone else help?). If she can give you details, then it would seem more legit. On the other hand, I understand the reality of having to work overtime to pay bills...so I could be totally off on this...it is just a question in my mind and please don't take offense. Money sucks, haha, I know how hard it is to get your hands on some, so I don't want to sound rude if she really is just working hard to help suppor the family!

 

You expectations are in no way too high! Please don't think that! Married couples should be able to be honest with each other, and dang it...they should have a desire to be boinking more than twice a month! You deserve more than that! And you CERTAINLY should not have to give her up to another man for a night so she will return to her feelings of longing for YOU, her husband.

 

I wish you the best of luck, and that you both will find happiness together again, without interference.

[Ladyjane14]

You've been getting some really good advice on this thread, PH. So all I really have to add here is a few suggestions for books to read.

 

The Five Love Languages by Chapman, and His Needs / Her Needs... by Harley, will help you to determine ENs (Emotional Needs) within the marital relationship. This is important because when our basic needs in the relationship are NOT being met, it leaves a void in which the attention of a third party can influence one of the married partners.

 

Surviving an Affair also by Harley will help you understand how affairs work and what options are available for dealing with them in order to restore the marriage. Sometimes, an outside 'friendship' can interfere with a marriage to the degree in which it must be treated as an Emotional Affair. When one partner is looking OUTSIDE the marriage in order to have some of their ENs met, it can lead to greater problems, as WWIU pointed out earlier.

 

It would certainly be wise of you to seek marriage counseling, even if your wife does not want to join you initially. YOU will feel more supported when you have someone to share your concerns with. But even better, you'll learn some valuable information on improving your communications with your wife.

 

When a couple is in conflict, there will often be argumentative behavior. It's important the you learn to combat the urge escalate when you're in conflict and how to keep your communications constructive.

 

Your wife is a grown woman. You CANNOT make her decisions for her. You can state your case....and hope she values you enough to prioritize your ENs as if they were her own. But you can't MAKE her do that.

 

What you CAN do is to make personal choices that further your goal to keep your family intact. What that means is that you don't engage in fights, but rather keep your communications open and constructive. You don't allow your emotions and your hurt feelings to drive you away from the marriage and the family. You keep your attention FIRMLY on your goal of reconciliation at all times.

 

Oftentimes, when a 'friendship' has become destructive to the primary relalationship, the partner who is engaged in that 'friendship' will struggle mightily to preserve it. They will accuse their spouse of Controlling Behavior, and they will honestly believe it to be so. It becomes quite confusing because it seems to be a valid enough arguement. Certainly, no one wants to be "controlling" of their spouse or stop them from having a full and happy life.

 

But what you need to understand as you combat that mind-set is that there's an addictive quality to having your ENs met. The partner who is having their needs met outside the relationship fears the vacuum effect that losing the 'friendship' will create. They will struggle to hold on, and they will often villify their spouse in order to justify it. It's important that you try to de-personalize this behavior. If you wear your heart on your sleeve, you're asking for hurt feelings.

 

It is NOT controlling behavior to object to your spouse having a close and emotionally intimate bond with an opposite sex friend....particularly when your own emotional intimacy with her is contentious and compromised.

[Porter House]

Ok everyone I think i have made a big mistake and i probably shouldn't have. See when i got my feelings out on here i had a feeling my wife would see what i had to say. Well my feelings were destructive to her we spent our sunday fighting only b/c i got my feelings out.

I need to clarify my wife is a good woman she has always been very faithful to me and stood by my side. Even when i was jobless she supported me and our son and i proud of her for that and thankful. She has always let me have what i want and always stood next to me. She is a great person she really is. I was just so angry when i typed my feelings. I just found it better to get my feelings out than to hurt her by saying them. I think i am entitled to do and do it safely. We talked about J-- and she said she had no emotional ties to him and that she loved me and always would love me. It is just that he will always stick out in my mind b/c he wouldn't respect the fact she was married and wanted to sit alone with her in a car. That is why i don't like him. I believe in respecting married people that is why they are married. Married means stay away.

You all know how much i love her and i will always love her. Yes in the beginning when we first got married i wasn't the best person and i know that and i see that but i am trying to make it better. She says it is to late and i told her it is i never to late. I wanna make things right and that should be a good thing i am doin. Yes i am hard to get along with and i can be very opinionated and i probably shouldn't. I love her i just don't want to lose her to somone else. I don't deserve her and i probably never did.

 

Baby if you read this i jsu want you to know i love you and i always will i just wanna make things right....

 

Porter House

[whichwayisup]

Porter, NONE of this is your fault. I'm sorry but your wife has turned the tables on YOU to make you feel bad. And you are ALLOWED to own all your feelings of hurt and disappointment.

 

Your wife is making NO effort to understand your pain and why you're really upset. She HAS to end the friendship with that man. She isn't thinking clearly right now, she's so caught up in what she feels by him, whether it be flattery, a crush or just geninually making her feel good. I said it before, I'll say it again...This man is poison to your marriage!

 

If she is going to throw away the marriage because past mistakes and not let you make it up to, and she can't see how much you love her - Then she might as well walk out now. She is killing you by what's she is doing and doesn't seem to care.

 

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Keep posting though, this place is here to help.

[ThumbingMyWay]

To Porter House AND your wife.

 

I know were you are coming from. And I have insight to where you wife is coming from.

 

so this post is for your wife mostly.(hope she reads it)

 

after reading this, go and read all my threads in the infidelity / marriage threads.

 

I am a husband who was betrayed by my wife. She had a 15 month affair with her boss at work. It started out as friends and was mostly an emotional affair, which led to a physical affair. She admitted to a ONS in July of 04. We entered counseling and made progress. The problem was, SHE LIED THE WHOLE TIME and continued her affair the whole time. She finally came clean last march. Devastating to say the least.

 

We have been married/together over half our lives. met at age 17, married at 24 and are both 36 this year. We have 2 children too. We have only had 2 other sex partners in our lives, all prior to age 17, so in a sense we have really only been with eachother sexually, considering the others were teenage years and when you are young, what did we know about sex.

 

After kids, our relationship did as most do. We focues on the kids and family and not on US. We drifted apart emotionally, but what did we know?, have kids focus on them. Well, if I only then what I know now. After kids, my wife lost a lot of weight and turned into the most beautiful woman youll every meet. She was beautiful before mind you, but after weight loss and a total attitude change in her spirit and personality, all men fall in LUST with her the moment they meet her and get to know her. Well, because I didnt take time to notice, wait, I noticed, I just didn’t acklowledge the new her.

 

The affair started just like your friendship with "J". Here is my wife, 2 kids, feeling young and beautiful again and wanted because of all the attention she was now getting from other men. Well enter her boss. Older man, professional, and charismatic, all the women in the office just loved him. Funny, good looking and very good with talking with women. Well as you can see the groundwork was layed for an affair. Beautiful wife, not getting compliments from home and BOOM, heres this guy at work, telling her how smart and funny she is. How beautiful she is, how fun she is to be around. 18 years with same man and here is a guy that is just showering her with compliments and affection towards her beauty and her emotions. AND she liked it, A LOT. It was a huge ego boost for her.

 

It was just a matter of time before her mind told her she liked this attention and deserved it in a sence cause she didn’t get it from me.

 

I could go on and on, but the bottem line is, you are on the path of a slippery slope. You have a man at work who is working on you. AND YOU LIKE IT. You like the way it makes you feel cause you haven’t felt those feelings since you and your husband were dating. I bet you think of J a lot don’t you? You look forward to your time with him don’t you? You may dress a certain way to get a compliment from him?

 

Temptation got the best of of my wife and her boss, and here we are trying to pickup the pieces. Our marriage relationship will never be the same, but we are trying to make it work.

 

I understand your husbands concerns about you being friendly with a guy at work. I have the same concerns with my wife. We agree that her being friends with males is not a good thing, because they all fall in lust/love with her. Its not her fault, she just has a way about her that men adore.

 

The last 2 years of my life have been a living hell and I am just now starting to get out of my “box of fear”.

 

Please don’t be niave, please consider couples counseling to discuss all these feelings you and your husband have. TOTAL communication is KEY for a healthy relationship. Some of the things I learned about me and my wife in counseling were both good and bad. BUT the good thing is now I know, there is no more lies no more deception, just total TRUTH. Yeah truth hurts, but at least I know it now.

 

Things will work out with us, I feel it. BUT the road I traveled to get to this level of TRUTH was heartbreaking. BUT God has his reasons I guess.

 

I wish you and your husband well. Let him back again, find eachother again. Date eachother again. Make time for eachother.

 

And Porter, lose the secretiveness, and open up more.

 

And Porters wife, take a hard look at your feelings and listen to your heart. Right now, would you invite you husband to meet this J person and get to know him too? Or do you considered him YOUR friend? Think about that and think about if you husband had a female friend that he talked about, but never introduced and included you in the friendship.

 

It takes 2 to make it work, You both will be surprised at what you can relearn about eachother if you just give a shot with complete honesty as the mediator.

[Porter House]

Thank you to all of you for you much needed support. She and i talked about J-- and she said she has no feelings for him that she was completely in love with me and her heart was all mine. I trust her she doesn't realize it is these "plant workers" i don't trust. You know what i am talkin about all horny and well that is all they think about. I want her to go to counseling with me but the thing is she doesn't feel as though she should. Hard to get some one who has a horrible past to go some where with you. My wife has been through much more than i have and i can understand where she is comin from but the problem is with her and i not her past. The only thing i wanna do in my heart is the right thing and that is make our mariage work.

Thumbing i hope things are getting much better now i am sure it is difficult and thank you for the advice. I am wondering if she will read it. She thinks i an accusing her of cheating and i am not. I am trying to stop things before they could go spinning out of control.

Mrs.PH wanted to post a reply here but she was afraid of the feed back she would recieve.

I know we can get it together it is just a matter of getting on the same page.

 

Porter House

[ThumbingMyWay]

Thumbing i hope things are getting much better now i am sure it is difficult and thank you for the advice. I am wondering if she will read it. She thinks i an accusing her of cheating and i am not. I am trying to stop things before they could go spinning out of control.

 

exactly...my wife didnt think she would have an affair either, but it morphed into one before she understood what it was. its a good thing that you catch this now and become aware of it.

 

 

 

Mrs.PH wanted to post a reply here but she was afraid of the feed back she would recieve.

I know we can get it together it is just a matter of getting on the same page.

 

Porter House

 

Mrs PH,

 

by all means, post here if you want. It is a wonderful soruce of info and feedback. Good and bad. After all the threads I posted and all the things I said about my wife, she too was afraid of the feed back. But ya know what, she posted anyway, and she was welcomed with open arms. Never hurts to get a totally complete 3rd party point of view. i know it opened my and her eyes to alot on issues we had in our marriage. And it helped. She started a thread in response to myt ONE BIG LIE thread. She posted a ONE BIG LIES WIFE thread to get her feelings out. She doesnt use LS though, not for her and not alot of time to really get into it. But I use it and tell her about it and she agrees with alot of what is said here and it gives here some insight to why it happened.

 

you see the thing is, your husband has a view and opinion of what he sees and feels. As do you. You may not agree with eachother, but you dont have too, cause you own your feelings and once you accept that you think and feel and so does your husband, then explore those feelings and come to a place where you understand WHY your SO feels that way instead of just thinking, "That is so stupid to think that!!!! " You may think its stupid, but your SO is feeling for a reason. Find those reasons and workt them out. Not just his jealousy issue, but ALL issues you both have. Learn from eachother.

 

You husband came here to express who he feels. You may not understand it casue you dont feel what he feels. And the key is to UNDERSTAND why you SO feels the way they do.

 

stick around, youll like this place.