One thing I really missed about being single

[mopar crazy]

Being M to a man who doesn't give a rats a$$ about helping me out around the house. Oh sure, he may make some meals during the week but I'm the one that has to clean up the dishes, the stove, the oven ect when he cooks. BUT when I cook I'm expected to clean up the dishes while he sits in front of the tv. I wash all his clothes, fold them, and put them away. He sits in front of the tv. Last night the trash needed to be taken out and burned so I did it, he sits on his ass in front of the tv. Sometimes he does the trash but I do it mostly. I dust, vacumm, clean, while sits his ass in front of the tv. When we were seperated I hardly had any housework at all. My life was less stressful b/c when I came home from work I didn't have a bunch of things to clean. Now I come home and can't relax. Every morning I wake up there is dirty dishes in the sink from him having snack the night b4. I'm tired of it. If I was a SAHM I wouldn't be so bothered by it but I work FT just like he does. He thinks once his day is done on the job he can sit on his ass and do nothing but when I get home I'm suppose to bust my butt and take care of the house and kids.

 

We moved a few months ago. He had old clothes he hasn't worn in a long time in on hangers, in a garbage bag. He kept them in his storage shed. When we got them out of the storage shed he tossed them in the laundry room closet. There is two or three bags in there. I told him he needs to either donate them, throw them away, or wear them. He tells me he is going to keep a few, and get rid of a few. I can hardly get the door shut. The clothes are still in there as he hasn't went through them. I told him he either gets to them or I will and he gets pissy and tells me he will go through them when he has time. WTF? Time? Right now he is sitting his butt on the couch watching tv!

 

How do the other W's deal w/ this kind of selfishness w/ your own H's?

Vent done...off to put his dirty dishes in the DW, again!

[Touche]

I don't have to deal with that, thank goodness but this is how I'd deal with it: STOP DOING everything for him. Just stop. Don't wash his clothes. Don't fold them. Don't do his dishes. Stop everything you do for him until he can share the chores equitably. He may not notice right away but believe me, he'll notice.

 

My mother always used to tell me this: If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting (or not getting.) That sure applies in so many cases and it certainly applies in this one.

[justagirliegirl]

Yep I had lots less work and stress not married. Now that bf comes over, I have more messes to clean up. I am working on getting him to help me.

 

In you case you probably unintentionally trained him to be that way by just automaticall doing things for him. Like the other poster said, just stop doing those things and then set up an equal chore division. You are both working full time. There is no reason he cant get up off his butt and do his fair share.

[Presario]

I am working on getting him to help me.

 

I think that you shouldn't work on his, because he should offer it by himself. I believe you can't teach a grown man those tricks. His parents should have tought him to help at home when he was a little boy. Now trying to make him work is like trying to teach an old dog some tricks. Even if gets them for a day, he will forget them the next day.

 

I've heard this so many times: my husband doesn't do anything at home. These guys are princes who were brought up by their foolish mothers. These mothers would never ask for any help from their gorgeous little boys. Ten years later the little boys are young men who think that house work is beneath them.

 

I guess that sometimes you can teach a prince some basic house manners, but when marriage problems come, he will likely pull away. Again, I have heard this before: he used to help me, but now he doesn't. Why? He may find plenty of reasons that seem right for him: no sex (you don't give me sex, so I don't give you a hand at home), "problems" at work.

[mopar crazy]

I think that you shouldn't work on his, because he should offer it by himself. I believe you can't teach a grown man those tricks. His parents should have tought him to help at home when he was a little boy. Now trying to make him work is like trying to teach an old dog some tricks.

 

Yep, I have to agree w/ this statement.

His mom never made him do any housework, she did it all herself. He even admit he did some but not much. So, I do believe if a parent doesn't teach her children responsiblities of housework they aren't going to do it as an adult b/c they never learned how. My H even said he didn't even know how to use the washing machine. How hard is it? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how to work a stupid washing machine. I don't have a top of the line washing machine that has tons of different buttons to push or dials to turn, it self explanatory.

 

When we were seperated his mom would come up to the house and do his laundry or take it home w/ her and do it. This didn't teach him a damn thing either. I know she loves her son, and she should, but sometimes you need to let you children do things on their own or they will never grow up to do it by themselves.

 

I would stop washing his clothes, and picking up after him but I would get so tired of the dirty dishes sitting in the sink I would end up washing them. If a couple both works out of the home they should both take on the responsibilties. My H asked me if my brothers helped around the house w/ laundry and dishes. I told him they didn't b/c both their W's are SAHM so they do all that work during the day when they are at work. If I were a SAHM I wouldn't be so ticked off having to do all the work while he sits and watches tv.

[Presario]

When we were seperated his mom would come up to the house and do his laundry or take it home w/ her and do it. This didn't teach him a damn thing either.

 

This is a scene like from a comedy! :lmao:

 

I'm sure his mom was proud of how well she would take care of her boy when he was in need, when his bad, bad wife would not take care of him!

 

I would stop washing his clothes, and picking up after him but I would get so tired of the dirty dishes sitting in the sink I would end up washing them.

 

This is something we was counting on. He knew well that he would break you, and he did. Why don't you take care of those things that bother you, but leave the rest? For instance, don't wash his clothes -- when he starts to stink at work and his coworkers avoid him, he will become apt at using the washing machine. He's just not motivated. Why should he care if you are going to do this anyway?

[mopar crazy]

This is a scene like from a comedy! :lmao:

 

I'm sure his mom was proud of how well she would take care of her boy when he was in need, when his bad, bad wife would not take care of him!

 

 

 

This is something we was counting on. He knew well that he would break you, and he did. Why don't you take care of those things that bother you, but leave the rest? For instance, don't wash his clothes -- when he starts to stink at work and his coworkers avoid him, he will become apt at using the washing machine. He's just not motivated. Why should he care if you are going to do this anyway?

 

Yea, I was the bad, bad W who wouldn't wash his clothes, lol. I was living 90 miles away from him so it was a little hard to do his wash, I wouldn't of done it anyway even if we lived in the same area. At the time of our separation he was having an A. His mom was in so much denial about it. She said "I didn't raise him that way, he would never do that to his W or children!" Boy was she way off!

Anyhow,that is a different story. You're right, he knows I will just break and do it myself but guess what, I'm not doing it anymore but I know I will catch hell for it but maybe he will realize that he can't take advantage of me anymore.

[Presario]

You're right, he knows I will just break and do it myself but guess what, I'm not doing it anymore but I know I will catch hell for it but maybe he will realize that he can't take advantage of me anymore.

 

You've got a tough cookie. You gotta do something unless you wanna stay where you are. Good luck!

[mopar crazy]

You've got a tough cookie. You gotta do something unless you wanna stay where you are. Good luck!

Thanks! I told him last night that I'm no longer washing his clothes so he needs to start figuring out how to do it himself and not complain when he needs clothes. He asked me why I was going to stop doing his wash. I told him that he never helps out around here and until he does, I'm done. Of course he has to tell me he shovels when it snows, mows the lawn, feeds the dog and takes out the trash and burns it. HA! Like those things need to be done as much as laundry, dishes and picking up after him. When I was a SAHM and ran a business out of my home I was the one that shoveled every morning, in the dark, so my clients had a clean walk to my house. I take out the trash a lot more than he does (just did it last night), and he sits on his butt when he mows the lawn, which needs to be done once a week, if that. And his dog, I told him if he got her he was responsible for taking care of her. There has been plenty of times I fed her and gave her water b/c he asked me too. He helped me fold laundry and unload the DW last night but how long will that last? Probably just that one time. He helps out but I can count on one hand how many times he has helped in the last 6 months.

[Ladyjane14]

He helped me fold laundry and unload the DW last night but how long will that last?

 

Is there any way that you two can spend more time together? Maybe you could even incorporate some of your chores into that.

 

Division of Labor used to be a HUGE problem for my husband and I. But weirdly, it's not anymore. I'm not sure exactly why.

 

We spend more time together these days though. Our communications have improved so we talk more about our "to-do" lists and plan together on how we invest our time. But maybe it's the fact that we tend to express more appreciation for all the little things we do for each other. I just don't know.

 

Although in hindsight, I have to wonder if Division of Labor is more of a symptom than a cause. It seems like whenever it became a bone of contention in our marriage, it was always during stressfull times in the relationship.

[wand]

getting a maid is always a good idea. then she does everything and you can sit on your butt and enjoy quality time with your hubby, that is what i did and he still needs to do all his work like cleaning the garden, taking out the trash and feeding the dogs. i just cook the supper do the dishes and make the bed.

[mopar crazy]

getting a maid is always a good idea. then she does everything and you can sit on your butt and enjoy quality time with your hubby, that is what i did and he still needs to do all his work like cleaning the garden, taking out the trash and feeding the dogs. i just cook the supper do the dishes and make the bed.

 

 

Even if I did have the $ for a maid this is one thing I just couldn't do. I would feel very uncomfortable w/ someone coming into my home and cleaning it, just the way I am. And my supervisor had a maid and she stole things from her that she hasn't gotten back, things that had value and sentimental value. My supervisor knew this woman, and trusted her. It's really not worth the risk.

It's a good idea though, I know my supervisor was extremely happy not having to do the work herself.

[mopar crazy]

Is there any way that you two can spend more time together? Maybe you could even incorporate some of your chores into that.

 

Division of Labor used to be a HUGE problem for my husband and I. But weirdly, it's not anymore. I'm not sure exactly why.

 

We spend more time together these days though. Our communications have improved so we talk more about our "to-do" lists and plan together on how we invest our time. But maybe it's the fact that we tend to express more appreciation for all the little things we do for each other. I just don't know.

 

Although in hindsight, I have to wonder if Division of Labor is more of a symptom than a cause. It seems like whenever it became a bone of contention in our marriage, it was always during stressfull times in the relationship.

 

I know what you mean LJ. When H and I got back 2gether after his A he helped out around the house a lot more than he does now. Guess it was his way of paying me back for all the hurt he caused me. Now the A is almost 3 years ago he doesn't seem to think he has to be a help.

 

The other night I told him that I'm no longer doing his laundry b/c he never helps out w/ anything. He tells me he helps out by going to the grocery store and making meals once in awhile. Well, it;s all nice he does the shopping but he always over spends, even if I give him a list, and when he makes his meals I end up cleaning up after him. I'm thankful for the help he does give me but I feel like I carry more of the weight. It takes a lot longer to do laundry, clean than it does to make a 20 min meal that he wont clean up after.

[Ladyjane14]

I've kept up with your other posts regarding financial issues. Added to the "division of labor" problems, it looks like you two might be drifting apart again.

 

Your husband doesn't seem to be bringing his A-game to the table....and it's got to leave you feeling all-around FRUSTRATED.

 

I wish I had some cool advice for you, but the only thing that I can suggest is that you try to find more time to enjoy each other's company. It's kind of hard to do that when you're spouse's overall behavior is aggravating and negative.

 

But is there any common ground that you can build on? Activities that you both enjoy? Can you tempt him away from the TV with some pleasant conversation....then maybe hand him a dish towel while he's all nice and distracted?

[Presario]

Can you tempt him away from the TV with some pleasant conversation....then maybe hand him a dish towel while he's all nice and distracted?

 

This is so cool! Maybe he will like such moments, because they are really enjoyable.

[Mz. Pixie]

Although in hindsight, I have to wonder if Division of Labor is more of a symptom than a cause. It seems like whenever it became a bone of contention in our marriage, it was always during stressfull times in the relationship.

 

What is going on here is that he's not bringing anything to the table and the household stuff is just a symptom of you being unsatisfied in the marriage.

 

With my new H, he treats me like I desire to be treated so it's less of a gripe for me to set out the trash or to load the dishwasher because he's meeting my needs in other areas. He works a second job and I figure it's the least I could do to help out. He doesn't expect it but I do it.

 

If your H were spending time with you and contributing to the marriage this would not be an issue.

[Becoming]

Sister, do I know this problem!

 

But I will have to say I've managed to train him quite well.

 

Frankly, he could live happily in a pig stye. I can't. We're just different in this regard. And he knows I've traditionally broken, too.

 

The other day, I sorted laundry and did mine, not his. He has no clean clothes unless he washes them. This is the only way he does laundry.

 

You flat-out have to refuse and resist. This is what's really hard. We negotiated out chores based on a time and effort weighted scale, work schedules, etc. When he doesn't do his and things pile up to the point where I'm crazy, I simply leave and tell him I'll be back when the house is clean. I check out http://www.hotwire.com for a last-minute deal on a clean room or visit a friend.

 

That usually does the trick. You may have to do it twice.

 

But LJ also has a point. I usually latch onto the household being out of order when there are really other things that are out of order--like I'm not getting enough attention.

[mopar crazy]

What is going on here is that he's not bringing anything to the table and the household stuff is just a symptom of you being unsatisfied in the marriage.

 

If your H were spending time with you and contributing to the marriage this would not be an issue.

 

 

I agree Pixie. Our M problems b4 his A/pending D was about money, and/or him being gone all the time out w/ his friends playing sports and out drinking.

 

Now that that has changed our problems are his lack of help around the house. It wasn't such a big issue when I was a WAHM but now that I work FT outside the home I would like a little help w/ the household chores. I would be a much happier person if I just got some help. I don't expect him to do all the work and I have told him that. I have told him that I would appreciate it if he:

1) Folds and puts away his own clothes

2) picks up after himself (his paperwork, dishes when he has snacks, things like that)

3) Puts his dirty dishes in the DW.

 

It's not a big issue w/ him doing such things as vacumming, or dusting, doing the laundry, I just want him to take care of his things, that's all. When he makes a mess, I would love it if he cleaned up after himself.

 

Sometimes I just get to the point where it's just easier to do it myself rather than feeling like a damn nag about it. I know men don't like to be nagged at, I don't either, but if he would just help out when I ask him to, I wouldn't nag.

[tweldy]

Okay people (guys mostly, I must admit) who have the attitude your husband has piss me off. Thus I am going to tell you what I would do in your shoes, note that this is extreme and I'm not saying it best for you, but if nothing else, I hope it gives you a good laugh:

 

The goodwill takes TV donations as I recall. When he's out for the day, arrange to have the TV taken away. When he discovers the source of his mindless leisure has been appropriated, this will cause him to become angry, likely, at which point you can tell him that the anger he's feeling is but a fraction of the anger you feel every damn day he does no cleaning around the house and, on top of it, makes your life more difficult by doubling the mess. Set some ground rules, e.g. chores, you expect him to do for a month, without fail, (a month being enough time to establish a habit) before you will consider having another TV in the house.

 

Again, that's extreme and its probably not the right thing to do, but dammit, it sounds so satisfying. If nothing else, I just want to offer my support as I don't have any better ideas.

[Becoming]

I like your creativity, tweldy!

[whichwayisup]

Okay people (guys mostly, I must admit) who have the attitude your husband has piss me off. Thus I am going to tell you what I would do in your shoes, note that this is extreme and I'm not saying it best for you, but if nothing else, I hope it gives you a good laugh:

 

The goodwill takes TV donations as I recall. When he's out for the day, arrange to have the TV taken away. When he discovers the source of his mindless leisure has been appropriated, this will cause him to become angry, likely, at which point you can tell him that the anger he's feeling is but a fraction of the anger you feel every damn day he does no cleaning around the house and, on top of it, makes your life more difficult by doubling the mess. Set some ground rules, e.g. chores, you expect him to do for a month, without fail, (a month being enough time to establish a habit) before you will consider having another TV in the house.

 

Again, that's extreme and its probably not the right thing to do, but dammit, it sounds so satisfying. If nothing else, I just want to offer my support as I don't have any better ideas.

 

Oh now that is priceless...(Though I probably wouldn't get rid of the TV, I'd hide it at a neighbours house... )

[mopar crazy]

Okay people (guys mostly, I must admit) who have the attitude your husband has piss me off. Thus I am going to tell you what I would do in your shoes, note that this is extreme and I'm not saying it best for you, but if nothing else, I hope it gives you a good laugh:

 

The goodwill takes TV donations as I recall. When he's out for the day, arrange to have the TV taken away. When he discovers the source of his mindless leisure has been appropriated, this will cause him to become angry, likely, at which point you can tell him that the anger he's feeling is but a fraction of the anger you feel every damn day he does no cleaning around the house and, on top of it, makes your life more difficult by doubling the mess. Set some ground rules, e.g. chores, you expect him to do for a month, without fail, (a month being enough time to establish a habit) before you will consider having another TV in the house.

 

Again, that's extreme and its probably not the right thing to do, but dammit, it sounds so satisfying. If nothing else, I just want to offer my support as I don't have any better ideas.

LMBO! I like your idea, problem is, I would miss the tv myself.

 

I don't know if you have children, but in all my years of working w/ small children, and having children of my own, I have learned one thing; if you punish your child make sure the punshiment doesn't punish you as well. For example, if you had plans to go on a family vacation and have planned would you want to put off the vacation you have been needing for months b/c your child is misbehaving? I certaintly wouldn't, I would find another way of discipling or punishing them.

 

If I punished H by taking away his precious tv, I would be punishing myself too.

[Becoming]

Point taken.

 

So using your excellent child analogy (because he is acting childish), what are you going to take away that he likes until he learns how to clean up after himself like a big boy?

[magda]

Another alternative to the maid idea is having him work more hours/get a part time job and then you work less. Maybe this wouldn't work, but suggesting this option as a real possibility might put a little fire under his ass. I think men don't realize that stuff around the house is as much work as it is. Just because we are women we love doing it and it comes so natural it's easy and fun? Nu uh.