LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships

Improve myself first and then discuss porn?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd February 2006, 5:17 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 17
Improve myself first and then discuss porn?

How do I encapsulate many years into a few paragraphs? I'm going to give it a shot and then I hope I can get some feedback.

My husband and I get along very well. We have a similar sense of humor, we're both curious about the world around us, and (at one time, before kids)we enjoy(ed) similar activities (e.g., tennis, camping, hiking). We've been married 12 years.

My husband prefers to "keep the peace"; he won't tell me when things bother him. It took me years to understand this. I was in ignorant bliss the first several years because we had minimal conflict. If someone doesn't tell you they're unhappy, how are you supposed to know? He finally disclosed to me (a few years into the marriage) that he felt I wasn't open to his ideas, and because of that he secretly saved a few thousand dollars to buy a sailboat. I was devastated by 1) his poor opinion of me and, 2) his dishonesty. Well, after some consideration, I agreed with him I was frightened by his dreams/ideas. (He's definitely a maverick; I'm more conservative) I also realized I needed to be more supportive of him. So, over the years, I've worked at my openness to his ideas. And he will acknowledge I've improved dramatically.

Another bomb uncovered at roughly the same time, I caught him watching a porn video (no dvd's yet! ). Oy, the conservative side of me went into a tailspin. I was disgusted, hurt and angry all at once. He promised me he wouldn't look at it anymore. It was also a time for him to express I needed to be more open to his sexual advances. Again, I considered his opinion, and agreed. I read books, talked to him about his desires and sincerely tried to put aside my inhibitions. Then I got pregnant.

As we all know, our lives changed dramatically. We joke now that I was in mourning for nine months (I didn't like pregnancy at all) (For starters, I had to give up my competitive running and tennis, not to mention what it did to me physically). Once the baby arrived, my husband went into mourning. He missed the way life used to be (join the club). No more camping, biking, hiking, windsurfing-- ah, the care-free lifestyle we both loved!

Another baby arrived two years later. Not to say our life was bereft of joy, but these were difficult years for us. It hurt me that my husband didn't really like babies or toddlers. He went through the motions of being a good dad, but I knew his heart wasn't in it. He did it because it was the right thing to do. In fact, it's only now that they're 5 and 7 that he'll say occasionally he enjoys the kids since they've turned into little people (meaning they can meaningfully interact).

Over the years, our heart-to-heart conversations would include my dismay over his lack of saying I'm beautiful. To have my husband call me beautiful would mean a lot to me; I'd feel attractive to him. I've also explained to him that if he said it in the next month (from our conversation), it would ring falsely because it would feel like he was just giving a knee-jerk response. He would respond that he finds me attractive, yet he has never told me I'm beautiful. ((He's called me elf-like (! )) But, he's called some of my friends beautiful, so I know he's capable of expressing it.

Are you still with me?? This is so fleeping long...

Last year, I discovered he was viewing porn on the internet. He was even looking at escort sites. He travels a lot and I immediately assumed the worst. He assured me after I confronted him that he was just curious. He acknowledged he knew I hated the porn and was sorry. But he was frustrated by our different schedules of times for sex (I like it at night, he likes it in the morning) We decided to specifically set aside time for ourselves in the bedroom and for months our "dates" were a success. I was giving it my absolute all. I was taking the initiative and pleasuring him however he wished. My wish was for him to stop secretly viewing the porn. If he would just talk to me about it, although I didn't like it, I'd feel better if he talked to me about it. He agreed. We had plans to go away for our anniversary and due to a complication, we had to return home 6 hours after our departure. We were both crushed. We'd been looking forward to this for ages. Once home, I started doing a project and needed a tool from the barn. What I stumbled across was a stash of porn dvd's (over 50 of them). (What an anniversary present!)

It felt like a blow to my solar plexus. I was giving it my all, and he still felt the need to hide the porn. I was giving it my all, and he still needed the porn. He wasn't being honest with me. I turned off emotionally from him and I was depressed. He apologized profusely. I told him I forgave him (but have I?).

Our sex life for the past months has been minimal. When we've had intercourse, he can't reach orgasm easily. It takes him ages. After doing some reading, I've made an amateur diagnosis of "retarded ejaculation" due to his masturbating to porn. He's never been able to call me beautiful and now after looking at the porn babes, how can I ever meet his expectations? How can I ever match the sensations of the self-masturbating sex toys? I've been replaced.

So, what do I do? I'm emotionally spent on this. For the first time, I don't miss him although he's away on a trip. Should I just let things be? He's been so patient with my shortcomings. Yet, my shortcomings aren't viewed as a betrayal by him.

The weight I put on from babies has never come off. Maybe I should give an all-out effort to slim down. I've tried several times yet haven't been successful. He's never hassled me. But, since he's not a great communicator, maybe this is a need for him which he hasn't expressed. Besides, I'd be happy to be my normal size again, too.

If I bring this up (again), I know he'll be defensive. Should I just grin and bear it while I'm working at losing weight? Once I improve myself, should I then have the conversation?

Even though I've written a lot, I don't know if I've given you enough information or that I've been clear. Any thoughts you have about my marital situation would be appreciated. Thanks so much for your time.

**Edit: I'm new to the site and I think I've goofed with my first submission...if this posts twice I'm sorry.
Kaykay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd February 2006, 5:45 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 18
That was a long post!

I think that you should work on losing the baby weight. Not for him, but for you. I think that often times we project what we feel about ourselves into how we feel our partner feels about us. Does that make sense? Bascially it's you getting behind your product. It's not easy to sell something that you aren't confident in. and I think a lot of mothers live for their kids instead of themselves (and that's what makes a good mom, there's nothing wrong with that) but you should also realize that all of that attention that you used to give to yourself and to your husband is now replaced by your focus on your children. So how to solve it without taking away from your kids? Go to the gym, work out, go running like you used to. and take your kdis with you. They will benefit from you being physciall fit too. You need to realize that the life you lead will ultimately be what your kids measure up everyone else to. As for your husband, you can't fix him, so you have to focus on making yourself happy. Put some effort into looking good and reward youself with a decadent purchase; a hot pair of desginer jeans or a great pair of black boots. The great thing about life is that as long as you have it, there's still time to change the road you're on. (Okay that last part was a led zeppelin rip off.) By wokring out you'll feel better about yourself and your husband will see that. Take care of you first.

And as for the porn....
Don't prediagnose. Men are men. They walk around with testastarone in their bodies and chemically have to do something about it. You're husband is not going to love you less by watching porn. He might love you less for trying to control what he does in his free time. Every man watches porn. I encourage my boyfriend to take care of himself when I'm not around. Otherwise, he'll try and find it somewhere else. Don't be afraid to be dirty or hell, watch porn with him! Like I said, try something new. Don't get offended by porn! It'll ruin you relationship because there is nothing wrong with a guy having porn.
sneakygurl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd February 2006, 7:01 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: north central illinois
Posts: 561
Excuses

Loveshack users are pro-porn 100% every day all day.

What your husband is doing is degrading to you..."pleasuring him" however he want it?? What about YOU?

You have been REPLACED with pixels and fake boobs. I mean, pixels and fake boobs don't complain are always bouncy.

You could take off the weight but it won't matter. The pixels are so much more accessible.

Go to noporn dot org, or mothers against pornography addiciton. the fact that he goes to escort sites should make you extremely suspicious.

sneakygurl....get a clue. It's one thing to look at porn and still want to be with your partner, but quit another to REPLACE your partner with porn, which is what the OP husband has done.

To the OP, good luck. Don't let anyone give you the BS line...."well men are x and men are y, so that makes z okay." the whole 'boys will be boys' BS.
portableversion is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd February 2006, 7:58 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Lennox's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 178
The only situation where porn use is acceptable in a relationship is if both partners are ok and honest about it. You are obviously not ok with it and for very valid reasons. What he's going through is a process of desensitization. He's on a downhill ride which will require more and more stimulus in order to achieve satisfaction. He will continue to experience sexual dysfunction until such time when he needs to use Viagra in order to get a decent hard on...or he catches AIDS from a hooker. I think it's utter BS that he looks at escort service sites just out of "curiosity". He's shopping for hookers...plain and simple.

Get a stealth running key logger program for his computer immediately. Install it and don't tell him about it. You get one by going to a big software store and telling them that you're an employer that needs a stealth running key logger program for the computer at your business. It should cost you about a hundred bucks...but it will be the best hundred bucks you have ever spent. It might even wind up saving your life from VD's and AIDS. It will allow you to view everything he's been viewing, all chat conversations, all emails. If your suspicions confirm the worst, save all the files in case you need them as evidence in court in regards to custody issues. Make a copy and give them to a trusted friend to keep for you. Go over the family finances with a fine toothed comb. Review every credit card bill. Confirm each transaction. Call the business if it doesn't seem familiar to you to confirm what type of business it is. Review the withdrawals on your bank account and be on the lookout for large, unexplained amounts.

Don't feel guilty for doing this...you need to protect yourself and your children.
Lennox is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd February 2006, 8:44 PM   #5
Member
 
Ladyjane14's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 5,448
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaykay
After doing some reading, I've made an amateur diagnosis of "retarded ejaculation" due to his masturbating to porn.
That's certainly possible. It stands to reason that a person who has become accustomed to a particular stimulation would find difficulty in responding to other forms of stimuli.

That said, you have to wonder if there could be other factors at work as well. Certainly, some medications can cause the symptoms you've described, anti-depressant SSRIs spring to mind. His problem could also be symptomatic of Erectile Dysfunction. (I guarantee if you use the words "erectile dysfunction" in conversation with him....you'll have his attention. Men are endlessly concerned with the health and well-being of their wienies! )

Anyway, if he's a young man....I think you're probably correct that the likely culprit is porn. A visit to his medical doctor will help to rule out other causes.

When porn usage interferes with sexual intimacy within the marital relationship, it has become a PROBLEM. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Further, internet porn can lead to infidelity and the eventual destruction of the marriage. The interactive quality of online porn brings a third dimension to it. Videos and magazines are two-dimensional things. They don't interact with you. When a person becomes involved in a porn community online, all bets are off. Those are REAL people hidden behind their keyboards....and they have AGENDAS.

You might consider negotiating a 'contract' type agreement with your husband. The BEST solution would be an agreement in which BOTH partners can be "equally enthusiastic". At marriagebuilders, they call that The Policy of Joint Agreement or POJA.

But if your problem has already escalated into something which CANNOT be negotiated, you might consider marriage counseling. Sometimes it's wise to involve an arbitrator when a dispute cannot be otherwise settled.
Ladyjane14 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd February 2006, 10:17 PM   #6
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 17
Thank you for taking time to read that ridiculously long post! It was therapeutic (sp?) to write it!

Sneakygurl: I am currently working out every other day (it's the only time I have free). I understand it's possible that my negative self-image is rebuffing him. Even when fit, I found fault with myself.

I've tried watching the porn and it does nothing for me. I tried to explain in my uber-post that I've shifted from judgemental (porn is the worst!) to more open (I don't like it, but if you tell me about your usage while you're cutting back, I'll be okay). I guess I have to disagree with you about there being nothing wrong with porn; we don't have meaningful sex anymore.

portableversion: I've read for a while and noticed a variety of opinions on this site. I decided to post here because I hoped any replies I'd receive would run the gamut. Since I was once unreservedly judgemental about porn, it's helpful for me to hear the other extreme in hopes I'll continue transitioning to my more moderate position. I don't want to be embittered about this. I appreciate your support and suggestions for other sites. One word you used resonates with me: degrading. Yes, that's how I feel. I feel humiliated that he can't orgasm anymore without herculean efforts. I blame all those naked dvd porno babes...

Lennox: I'm worried about "the downhill ride" he's pursuing. He promises me that his perusing the escort sites was nothing but curiousity. He says that although it's very hard for him to give up porn, he would never cheat on me. In order to keep going, I have to believe him.

A "stealth running key logger program"? That's appealing and scary at the same time. Wouldn't he be able to see that I've downloaded a new program? Do you think it's being too nosy? I don't want to invade his privacy too much (I have to admit to looking for those *%*# porn dvd's since intially stumbling onto them). But then, he's LYING to me... I'm very muddled...

LadyJane14: I think he still qualifies for young (39), so although fun to think about, I won't suggest he has an ED!

I really don't think he's involved with an online porn community. He's stuck in the 2-dimensional universe.

Although we didn't have the acronym POJA to refer to, I felt we had an agreement about his communication about porn. That's why it hit me so hard that he reneged on our deal. How do you ever find a marriage counselor? And how do you know they're any good?


I cannot tell you how nice it is to "talk" about this! I've been obsessed with this and haven't had an outlet.

Please give me your opinion if you're reading this...I need help to process this...

Last edited by Kaykay; 2nd February 2006 at 10:20 PM..
Kaykay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd February 2006, 10:50 PM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 17
portable: I was curious about the sites you referenced...there's no such thing. Why would you reference non-existent sites?
Kaykay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd February 2006, 11:18 PM   #8
Member
 
Ladyjane14's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 5,448
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaykay
Although we didn't have the acronym POJA to refer to, I felt we had an agreement about his communication about porn. That's why it hit me so hard that he reneged on our deal. How do you ever find a marriage counselor? And how do you know they're any good?
Actually, there's ALOT of good information to be had in the 'Basic Concepts' section at marriagebuilders.com that cam be useful to you in improving your married relationship. Give it all a thorough read.

If you have health insurance, it's worth calling the Member Services phone number listed on your insurance card to determine what your specific benefits are. You can also recieve a list of preferred providers in your area.

In selecting from potential counselors, it's often useful to keep your spouses personality in mind. If he will accept guidance from another man more readily than from a woman....choose a male counselor. If he values the opinion of women, or finds them mysterious and intuitive....choose a woman.

You might have to 'interview' a few different therapists before you find a match that you are BOTH comfortable with. So, if you don't really connect with the first one....try another. It's perfectly okay to set up an initial appointment by yourself in order to guage your potential MC's personality. You'll want to try to make it a positive experience from the very beginning if you can.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 3rd February 2006 at 3:50 AM.. Reason: removed link
Ladyjane14 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2006, 2:48 AM   #9
Established Member
 
Lennox's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 178
Lennox: I'm worried about "the downhill ride" he's pursuing. He promises me that his perusing the escort sites was nothing but curiousity. He says that although it's very hard for him to give up porn, he would never cheat on me. In order to keep going, I have to believe him.

Yes that's what he's telling you, but I don't believe it for one second. A guy that is not going to cheat on his wife won't peruse escort sites. He's going to spend his time watching streaming videos and such.

A "stealth running key logger program"? That's appealing and scary at the same time. Wouldn't he be able to see that I've downloaded a new program? Do you think it's being too nosy? I don't want to invade his privacy too much (I have to admit to looking for those *%*# porn dvd's since intially stumbling onto them). But then, he's LYING to me... I'm very muddled...

No I don't think you're being too nosy. He's already lied to you repeatedly. It can be a scary proposition to find a way to the god's honest truth. You may find out he has a few affairs going. You may find out that he's seeing other men. You may find out that he's put you and your children at risk of a VD by having sex with people then having sex with you. You may even find out that his addiction has escalated to levels you never thought were possible. You might find that he's been viewing violent or child pornography. He doesn't deserve any privacy. Privacy is for grown people that don't betray our trust.

A stealth running keylogger program will be running completely invisible in the background. He will not know it's there, they're designed to run invisible like that. Unfortunately, when it comes to men that lie repeatedly like this, it might be your only option to find out what the truth really is.

As far as finding a therapist that is right for you, find one that specializes in treating sexual addictions. I've heard that therapists that were trained under Patrick Carnes are especially good...although personally I've never used one. Good luck to you and for your sake and your kid's sake...find out the truth before it's too late.
Lennox is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2006, 3:38 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 7,398
You two need a counsellor, not the 'advice' you're getting here. There are a lot of problems in your relationship and I don't think the porn is the cause of the problems in bed. I think part of it is your attitude towards him because you know about the porn and the rest is your marriage in general.

Really, go see a counsellor. ASAP.
Outcast is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2006, 12:24 PM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 34
:)

Hi KayKay!

You sound like an amazing woman - you are an amazing woman. I'd wager a hefty sum on it. So start with that. Competing with you wouldn't be easy for anyone, and its certainly not something some artificially enhanced pictures on a screen can do. Quit comparing yourself to porn ... because its not fair. The silly porn doesn't have a chance.

Should you get in shape and stay in shape? Take care of yourself? Of course! For YOU! Be healthy, feel good, feel sexy. It's good for you ... and your husband should feel fortunate that he reaps the benefits.

As for the porn .... well, you don't need to spy on your husband to know there's a problem, do you?

Without making any moral judgments about your husband or even about pornography, I think it's fair to say that any grown man who chooses *anything* over his family is making a mistake. (With golf being the only exception to this rule, of course!) Anything taken to extremes is unhealthy - and I think its also pretty fair to say that a stash of 50 hidden tapes is pretty extreme.

More to the point, its fundamentally immature. It's just kinda lame for any man to choose pornography over a real live woman who loves him. Tell him I said so.

And if he's actually neglecting you sexually while using pornography ... well, that sucks. It's dumb. He's actually failing at his marital duties, morally, even legally. (Go look up "loss of consortium" )

Is it time to panic? Is he an addict? I don't know. Maybe not. Probably not. And as someone else noted, I'd be careful about some of the extremist advice you'll find here on the anti-porn side of things.

But your hubby needs to get his priorities in order. Porn isn't for grown-ups, at least not when its used habitually. Your man ought to be able to see that.

Re: the escorts - well, in his defense, it could certainly be curiousity. But little lies can lead to big lies. Lying about the porn actually seems worse to me than the porn itself.

Time for a real talk. If he loves you and its not a compulsion, he'll ditch the porn. He might even be willing to let you monitor his computer use knowingly, to ease your mind - and then you won't have to sneak around and end up causing more problems.

Get to a counselor, find someone who helps you both talk this out safely.

Your husband is a lucky man. I think he just needs a gentle reminder of that fact.
Bob Dole is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2006, 9:09 PM   #12
Established Member
 
JamesM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: In Between Two Large Bodies of Water
Posts: 8,485
KayKay, your post hit home...this was almost me at one point.

He is addicted to porn because he has replaced you with it. If he cannot get it up with you, it is because he has to have images of women and/or men doing it. Simple lovemaking between two people is not what works for him. Sex is an act of selfish pleasure, not an act of love between two committed people.

Surfing the internet for escort sites in not just out of curiosity. It may start as a tittilating look at what is out there, but it shows that he has moved from porn to thinking of visiting escorts...if he has not already done so. I am sure he knows how to clear history, but check it anyhow. If your history is set to zero days kept, change it when he is not around. If he doesn't think you know this, he may not check to see if it is different. He may also use a different browser than what you use...if you both use the same computer. Look for possible use of Opera, Firefox, IE Explorer, an Netscape. Email addresses....does he have his own? They are easy to set up on Yahoo or other freemail sites. Keystroke spy software can be had for cheaper than 100. Do a GOOGLE. I had one on my computer for less. If not set up properly, it can be noticed, but it cannot be deleted. When the computer starts up again, it will reinstall.

Check his cell phone records. Does he have a phone card? When he goes out of town, does he make sure you have his room number and phone number? Ask him for details of his trip...do it when he least expects you to bring it up. Is he vague about where he has been or what he has done? I am guessing he has moved farther into this "world" of porn and escorts than you think. I can also guarantee it has probably nothing to do with you.

The fifty dvds cost around $1500. If he has ways of hiding that kind of money from you, he can find ways to hide visits to escorts. I know of men on escort sites who are married and visit escorts four to eight times every month. Multiply $300 times that times twelve and tell me how their wives cannot tell.

Good luck. I feel for you.
JamesM is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2006, 12:58 AM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 17
Hi Bob!

Anytime someone agrees with you, ya gotta like 'em; yo, Bob --- I like ya!

Seriously, your kind words were a soothing balm to my frazzled wits. Your dry humor made me laugh. And if I thought it would help, I would tell him you thought he was immature and lame! (ba ha ha!)

After snarfing a bag of Cheetos, I hazily recalled my pledge to stop escaping with food. Sigh. This is going to take some work. Perhaps I'm as addicted to food as he is to porn. How can I criticize him when I'm burdened with a ball and chain as well.

The thought keeps surfacing in consciousness: temporarily "shelve" your concerns about porn and focus on being a better mom and better wife. The added tension of a snarky attitude won't help the home atmosphere. If, say, for three months I work towards some realistic goals, perhaps I can then approach h about my concerns. The advantage being I've logged some history of self-improvement; I'm not just pointing a finger and blaming it all on him. What do you think?

JamesMD: When you said "this was almost me" did you mean you had a thing for porn as well? If so, what happened? Your reasonable suggestions of checking trails worries me. I feel so conniving as I ponder buying this spy software. I just don't know...

Your comments are valued and I'm currently mulling them over. Thanks...
Kaykay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th February 2006, 7:20 PM   #14
Established Member
 
JamesM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: In Between Two Large Bodies of Water
Posts: 8,485
KayKay, when I said it was almost me, I had to check some of the points of your story to be sure you weren't my wife. There are a number of points that are not me, but at one time I had a stash of dvds hidden. No more and not that many. I looked at porn but not internet. And worst of all, I also looked at escort sites out of "curiosity." It led me to my moment of shame at a massage parlor. Because yes, they have info on how to act at massage parlors (AMPs) to get all that you want. And escorts (SPs) can be had for a price. These sites also tell you how to approach an escort "legally." And by reading what other guys have done, this gives a guy the feeling that it is "normal" and okay. Then the justification begins...if so many other guys are doing it, then why can't I? If they can keep it a secret, then I can.

I listed things to check for because on these sites, they explain how to involve yourself in the "hobby" so that your SO (significant other...rarely is wife used). Prepaid cell phones, off-line email addresses, software to hide your computer tracks, ways to hide money, PO boxes, and even fake names. That is why if you read some of my previous posts, I tell guys who want to be faithful to put up hedges that prevent this type of behavior. Once you allow yourself to believe that it is okay because..."I deserve it" "she doesn't like sex" "I need sex more than her" "men need variety, etc., then it is an easy step into the "hobby." Men are also told to deny, deny, deny...even if you are caught in bed with a hooker...excuse me, SP.

Many of these suggestions from me to you are things that you can do to counteract his actions...IF THEY ARE THIS BAD. It would be better if you can confront him with some evidence to prevent him from going too far. Unfortunately, unless he really understands what he is doing, it is a crapshoot as to whether he will quit. Sadly he may learn better ways to hide it.

I hope I am not being too pessimistic, and I may be, but when I read that he is looking at escort sites out of curiosity, then I am afraid he has taken the next step of making his porn fantasies a reality. Once this begins, he either quits (yes, I did...see below), or he needs one more fix after another. The thrill of planning the next adventure is as great as the adventure itself.

My "journey into this other world ended because I thought I had contracted an STD. My intense fear of STDs and what it would do to my wife scared me from the "hobby." And yes, if you read what guys have done, how many they have done, etc....it is scary.

Good luck. Do you have any names of websites he was on? I can tell you how serious he was. If he signed on to any, then we have trouble. It might be better if you tell me in a PM, because I am not sure I want to leave too much for somebody who decides to go this route. I am already afraid I sadi too much.
JamesM is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th February 2006, 11:32 PM   #15
Nur
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 364
KayKay, it's not your fault or some shortcoming on your part. It must be absolutely heartbreaking, to be working so hard to give him pleasure, and trying to make yourself more attractive, only to be rejected in favor of some dead pixels. It must really hurt.

It's laziness on his part. He doesn't want to invest the emotions, or think about what you want. This way he can concentrate solely on his own pleasure, off in his shallow dream-land of breat-implanted porn stars.

The arguments of "everyone does it" or "men will be men" falls flat on its face for me. Everyone doing it doesn't make it right, and there is nothing instinctive or normal for a man in a happy, satisfying relationship, to have some sort of innate need to drool over a bunch of naked strangers. Shouldn't he be satisfied with you? Shouldn't he find your beauty, mingled with the love he feels for you, more fulfilling and wonderful than his shallow fantasies?

Porn is not evil, it's just shallow. It means he doesn't care enough about you to respect your wishes, since you told him expressly how it made you feel (and not unjustly!) and the fact that he prefers it to you is saddening. Perhaps if you turned him down for sex time and time again, and he was too loyal to physically cheat on you, he might turn to it. But to abandon you in favor of it is horrifying.

Your feelings are completely understandable, but remember that you can't make him change. You can tell him how it makes you feel, but that's it. If you try to force him or goad him or nag him, he'll just hide it, as he's been doing. The choice is, ultimately, his. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to live with the possibility of him choosing against you or not.
Nur is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Improve myself then talk about porn? 2ski2run Marriage & Life Partnerships 0 2nd February 2006 4:58 PM
I don't want to let him go if he can improve nikki Elliott Second Chances 0 3rd December 2005 3:28 AM
how to improve myself... hitswitch Friends and Lovers 4 13th September 2005 12:31 PM
How to improve your memory? loony Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 31 2nd September 2005 7:14 AM
my looks what to improve joel In Search Of... 3 20th March 2005 12:31 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:35 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.