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Should I trust him ? Is this cheating ?


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benditlikebeckham

I have been happily married for 8 years. About a year ago, I logged into my husband's email and found some emails from this girl who lives in U.K. She sent him 2 or 3 emails with photos of her. Random pics. A few were her head shots and others were of her home town. Her photos were some with and others without any clothes on. Her head shots taken in her bedroom. There was also an email with a large attachment. It was her personal video mpeg of her showing her body and touching her private areas, lying in her bed naked. At the end of the video, she blows a kiss and says "I love you sweetheart." Bear in mind (the girl is pretty ugly and fat). Even my husband admits this !

 

I found these emails and confronted my husband. He was obviously very guilty at first and then apologised to me. He told me he emailed the girl a last time and told her that she basically ruined our marriage and that he was going to have no contact with her ever again. He closed all various email accounts etc. In my after conversations with my husband - he says the following :-

 

MY HUSBAND'S VERSION OF WHAT HAPPENED***********************************

The girl and him have been talking for many years online, from even before my hubby met me and married me. They were okay friends. He says she was actually pretty decent person until she sent him all this stuff. He was shocked when he received the naked photos and video, but he continued talking to her via chat for months onwards. Just as friends. Ignoring and not discussing the emails she sent him. Nothing more than "hi" "hellos" exchanged afterwards and they tlked about other general things. My husband promises me that he never encouraged this kind of foul behaviour or led her to believe he wanted any explict material. He says she just kept insisting over the year that she had something to show him and then finally one day sent those emails. He says that at first she wasn't even sure that she wanted to send him that stuff but then later she did email them. He says she is disturbed and comes from a broken home and rebellious and may have been interested in him at one point. Its possible she was doing this to seek his attention and move from a platonic relationship to something more. He insists that it was ALL from HER END.

 

I am extremely unhappy about this whole deal but trying to maintain my calm and re-build our relationship. Only because my husband keeps saying he wants nothing of that world, and only thing he wants is me and our family. I know he loves me very much. No doubt. But, I am also not hoping to be fooled.

 

AFTER THE NUDE VIDEO EVENT (6-9 months later)

A few weeks ago, I found out that the girl my husband was chatting with online turns out to be related to my cousin's husband. She's his far relative.

 

This is PURE SHOCKING REVELATION !!!

 

My QUESTION IS :- Now that I know shes part of my distant family, should I confront her and report all to her family and make her shameful.

 

b) Should I consider this as cheating by my husband ?

c) Should I trust my husband and his words ?

 

I have also emailed the girl and told her how disgusted I am with her beahviour and she has never replied to me. She also doesn't know that my cousin is married to her cousin !!

 

PLEASE PLEASE HELP !! How should I resolve this issue ??

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give your husband the benefit of the doubt or you're not. The same goes for trust. Since he's owned up to it I would only consider it cheating, at this stage, if he's still in contact with her behind your back,

 

My QUESTION IS :- Now that I know shes part of my distant family, should I confront her and report all to her family and make her shameful.

 

I'd do nothing. That's up to your husband. Has he done anything else in the past 6-9 months to make you distrust him?

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Install a keylogger to see what he's upto (search on google.com for 'tiny keylogger') it's free and works very good.

 

This will show you if he's truly stopped.

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His excuses don't make any sense to me because if he was indeed shocked by the nudity he would have deleted those files. If he acted guilty when you confronted him then there is something for him to be guilty about. He doesn't sound trustworthy at this point.

 

BTW, I wouldn't get the family involved. It is none of their business.

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Omg U Know What To Do!!! Drop Him...i Would No Matter What Uve Been Through. Seriously! Hes Been Talken To Her Behind Ur Back!! And Blaming It All On Her...yes This Girls Lookin For Attention And The Only Attention Should Be Urs From Ur Husband! Theres A Thing Called Myspace And I Have Guy Friends On There I Talk To Before I Knew My Bf! And I Know Hes Not Shady Enough To Persue Any Of Them Or Keep Nakad Stuff Seriously Why Wasnt It Deleted My Fn Gosh Hes Worthless

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  • 2 weeks later...
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benditlikebeckham

I spoke to my hubby and told him that if his story is true than he needs to email her in front of me and tell her she was wrong to do what she did.

 

He emailed her and this was her response back :-

 

I apologise deeply for sending those videos to you. I was not in a good frame of mind, and I did not mean for it to cause any problems in your marriage, or to your family. That was not my intent, and I am sorry and ashamed of myself. When we didn't discuss it, I just figured you had deleted them, as it was not mentioned. I was shocked to recieve your email saying they had been found. I appreciate the discretion in this matter on your and your families behalf. If I could do things over, I surely would. There is no excuse for my behaviour, all I can do is apologise, and hope and pray that you can forgive me and my actions.

 

Should I believe her ?

 

P.s. my husband's story is consistent with hers.

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You shouldn't read someone else's emails, even an SO. It's disrespectful and an invasion of privacy.

 

When he got the first inappropriate communication from her, he should have confronted her, told her to stop, if she did it again, cut off all contact with her. Silence is consent. He kept this going, it sounds to me like he's sorry he got caught but not sorry he did it, and if you forgive and forget it will happen again and again. I'm sorry, he's cheating, and it's going to get worse before it gets better.

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About reading someone else's email:

 

I read my husband's email quite by accident, thinking it was mine. (We both had our work accounts open on our home computer and we work at the same place / use email platforms that look similar.) That's how I found out he had been screwing someone else for 10 years. Now he has lost every shred of privacy. Now I read his email, check his phone message, etc.

 

If you seriously suspect your spouse is having an affair, all bets are off when it comes to privacy until your suspicions are proven wrong.

 

If you are emailing things that you would not be comfortable having your spouse read, you should reconsider the content of what you are emailing.

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If you feel you need to read your spouse's email because they can't be trusted, you need to deal with those trust issues rather than read all the email. If someone cheats the answer isn't to check up on them, it's to end the relationship. Besides, if someone is going to cheat on you and they know you're reading their email, they'll just communicate in different ways. If they are going to cheat, they are going to cheat. You shouldn't have to TRY to stop them, you should end the relationship and find someone you can trust.

 

It's not about what's in my emails. It's about the health of the relationship. He can read them if he just wants to, except around his birthday when he might blow my surprise.

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I think you are generalizing. Some relationships can survive cheating, and in some cases it's worth trying to save a marriage. (That said, I still don't know if my situation will work out.) I found out completely by accident. I suspected nothing. And THEN I checked up on him to verify things, and gave him the chance to fix the situation, but it's a one-time offer. Infidelity may be a deal-breaker for you, but it's not for everyone. That said, it will definitely be a deal-breaker for me if it happens again.

 

I don't understand how you can end the relationship if you don't have proof of cheating. You can't dump someone simply because you are suspicious. Proof is important.

 

You are right - no one can be stopped from cheating, but once I accidently stumbled upon some suspicious materials, I had to figure out the truth, so there was no option but to go stealth.

 

I won't spend my life trying to prevent him from doing this again. I will try to work on my shortcomings and he will HAVE to figure out what the h*ll is wrong with him. But I am definitely outta here if there ever is a Round Two.

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I think that every person deserves love, and they deserve to be with someone who loves, honors and respects them. If someone cheats, they do not love you, they do not honor you or the relationship you have, and they obviously have NO respect for you if they think you will permit them to humiliate you that way.

 

I find it very interesting that when men are posting to each other, they say, hey, if she cheats, get rid of her. Once a cheater always a cheater. She fooled you once, don't let her do it again.

 

I see women on here telling each other, figure out what you're doing wrong, try to control him by snooping through his things, forgive him... everything but what I think they should say, which is, you've done nothing wrong, now save yourself.

 

See, I really believe that by allowing a cheater to stay, you're giving them permission to cheat. I hate to see people allow that to happen.

 

But I do agree that you need to be sure, so that you don't let your own insecurities and your imagination run away with you. But snooping through emails is very disrespectful. If he's cheating, trust me, he probably wants to get caught and will be careless.

 

And also, I don't have any children. While I can't imagine wanting a man like that to be an example for my kids, I know that having a family makes everything different. You sacrifice your own life and happiness for your kids.

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I spoke to my hubby and told him that if his story is true than he needs to email her in front of me and tell her she was wrong to do what she did.

 

He emailed her and this was her response back :-

 

I apologise deeply for sending those videos to you. I was not in a good frame of mind, and I did not mean for it to cause any problems in your marriage, or to your family. That was not my intent, and I am sorry and ashamed of myself. When we didn't discuss it, I just figured you had deleted them, as it was not mentioned. I was shocked to recieve your email saying they had been found. I appreciate the discretion in this matter on your and your families behalf. If I could do things over, I surely would. There is no excuse for my behaviour, all I can do is apologise, and hope and pray that you can forgive me and my actions.

 

Should I believe her ?

 

P.s. my husband's story is consistent with hers.

 

"Forgive"...That is interesting which also means whatever IT is between them she feels the need to be forgiven. Most people when they F up just say I'm really sorry. Anybody who is close - asks for forgiveness...Which means that there is some sort of closeness emotionally and a definate friendship.

 

She seemed sincere but also she knew she had to be as she got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. HER intent may be something else, maybe his isn't, but either way he IS getting something out of it. And she being a woman probably puts MORE energy into it than he does, as well as thinking about him. I highly doubt he puts much thought into it period. I would trust what he says UNLESS your gut instincts are telling you otherwise.

 

Get this woman to cool her jets with the emails. Though Im thinking now that she is FULLY aware that you have access to his emails she won't be pursuing him anymore.

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This sounds like flirting that got out of hand. Waaaaayyyyyy out of hand! He should have had the foresight and balls to stop it when it started, but he didn't. He was probably flattered and wanted to see where it went and what she would send him. Well, his voyeuristic curiosity sure got the better of him this time, didn't it? He's endangered his marriage for the sake of something along the lines of pornography. Pretty sad and he should feel really, really stupid.

 

I don't think I'd end a marriage over this. I don't think he ever wanted the other woman or planned on wanting her. He was just weak when it came to her throwing herself at him online. He stupidly thought that getting an eyeful wasn't doing anything wrong. Definately give him a lot of hell for it. He deserves it, that's for sure.

 

Guys, looking at porn online is bad enough to get you in serious trouble with your spouse. Personalized porn affairs like this are enough to get you divorced! Think long and hard whether it's worth it before you go acting stupid! Trading your marriage for some online pictures of an ugly fat chick is a pretty poor bargain!

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Bendit: I'm sorry for the thread hijacking. I'll stop after this post.

 

Catgirl: I’m not trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong. I want him to figure out what is wrong with HIM – how he is broken, how he could treat our marriage vows so lightly. Once he figures his crap out, I will try to work with him to see if we can salvage this marriage.

 

I have no desire to control him. I have already told him to be a man and leave, if that’s what he wants. It’s not what I want, at least not right now. But it’s early; my opinion could change next week. There have been a lot of good years and frankly, I thought we were happy until I was completely blindsided. I think most people who know us well would tell you the same.

 

 

About the role model comment: In my situation, our children have no idea that this has gone on. My husband conducted his affair completely during the workday, with no actual “time” taken away from the family. (Trust me, he took plenty away from me AND our family, but no actual time was spent away from us when he wouldn’t have been gone anyway.) And actually, my husband is the best possible father my kids could have (affair aside). He failed as a husband; he is a superb dad.

 

 

But you are right – you do sacrifice your own life for your kids sometimes. What I would really like is a separation from him, if even temporary. Our situation is that we are both in dire emotional straits right now. To separate and live in different quarters, and explain it all to our kids, and have them move back and forth between us – that is more than either one of us could handle right now. They would be completely devastated and lost. I am already completely devastated and lost. I struggle to keep myself functioning; to add them to the mix and try to help them understand it all / keep functioning is something I’m not capable of right now.

 

If there is a way for me to work this out, maintain my sanity, and keep my kids out of the fray, I’m willing to try it. I have no desire to make this a life-defining event for my children. My other option is to become a single parent and put my kids through divorce. I’ll do that if I have to. Honestly, that would be no less painful than what I’m going through right now. (My parents divorced so I have some experience there.)

 

I think it’s easy to speculate on other peoples’ situations, and what they should or should not do. Heck, I do that myself. I have no respect for someone who continues to put up with cheating. Like I said, I am game for trying to fix this situation, but fool me again, shame on me. That is why I am – until I can regain some level of trust – monitoring stuff like his email. I will continue to snoop through his things though, until I feel more secure. I won’t do it forever; that’s no way to live.

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He stupidly thought that getting an eyeful wasn't doing anything wrong. Definately give him a lot of hell for it. He deserves it, that's for sure.

He may have thought that, but he also has had blinders on about this woman. What HER intentions were/are and her feelings. She would not have crossed the line so much if she didn't feel something for him. Whether or not he felt something back is what counts here. He can't plead the 5th 100% on this issue, saying he hadn't a clue of her intentions..He knew, but I think the ego part got the best of him.

 

I do hope you two can work this out and move past it. And he works on the marriage, focussing on you and rebuilding, making the relationship better.

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He may have thought that, but he also has had blinders on about this woman. What HER intentions were/are and her feelings. She would not have crossed the line so much if she didn't feel something for him. Whether or not he felt something back is what counts here. He can't plead the 5th 100% on this issue, saying he hadn't a clue of her intentions..He knew, but I think the ego part got the best of him.

 

I do hope you two can work this out and move past it. And he works on the marriage, focussing on you and rebuilding, making the relationship better.

 

 

I know where you're coming from. He's not completely stupid and neither am I. He knew she wanted him, and played her a little for the fun of it. He was playing with fire. He thought he had everything under control and was chalking it up to a little harmless excitement. Now that his fingers are blistered I'd be willing to bet he regrets it miserably. Once the worst of the storm has passed, she just has to decide if that's enough for her or not to rectify it.

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benditlikebeckham

Kenyth and Whichwayisup :- thank you for both your insights.

 

I feel like I agree with both of you.

 

I forgot to mention that this is what my husband wrote to her to get the response he got (the one I posted earlier from her end) :-

 

I am writing to let you know that your actions of year (*****) - the photos and video you sent - were extremely inappropriate. I should have told you right then and there that what you did was unacceptable and that I did not want to associate with anyone who would behave in that manner. For you to risk your own honor and your family's honor by putting material like that out there is incomprehensible - and you should be very thankful that we did not go public with this information as it would have undoubtedly caused you and your family great harm. Furthermore it put me in a very uncomfortable situation, as I have to explain what it is that caused you to think that it was okay for you to send me material like that, and it has caused a lot of pain in my life. I would like you to explain what you did and to apologize to me and my family through email - nothing short of that is acceptable at this point. After you have done this, there will be no further contact.

 

Just so that you can compare and contrast. Btw I am not snooping in his email now. This is him sending her an email from our shared account.

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benditlikebeckham

Her reply to the above email was the following :-

 

I apologise deeply for sending those videos to you. I was not in a good frame of mind, and I did not mean for it to cause any problems in your marriage, or to your family. That was not my intent, and I am sorry and ashamed of myself. When we didn't discuss it, I just figured you had deleted them, as it was not mentioned. I was shocked to recieve your email saying they had been found. I appreciate the discretion in this matter on your and your families behalf. If I could do things over, I surely would. There is no excuse for my behaviour, all I can do is apologise, and hope and pray that you can forgive me and my actions.

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How will you really know if he breaks off all contact with her? If they have a different / separate email account he is using, they could have set this all up ahead of time to fool you.

 

Not to make you paranoid, but I've just seen so much BS. Nothing surprises me anymore.

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So her reaction excluded (unless the "I hope and pray you forgive me" part is her saying she still wants to be part of his life) the part about him saying "No more contact." This is a red flag and TRUST ME, she WILL try 'things' to get his attention and get him to 'help' her though a 'hard' time at some point... Please mention this to your husband. And I really hope he doesn't email her anymore. It's over.

 

she just has to decide if that's enough for her or not to rectify it.

Why give her the power to decide? You both have to MAKE that choice for her by telling her NO more contact. For her own good and protection of her own immediate family she shouldn't be contacting anymore. I guess the other threat is, IF she emails again and brings it up or tries to "pursue" is to tell her flatout - IF you do this one more time YOUR family will find out what happened. That should scare her off.

 

I do believe your husband, that he played it up abit and enjoyed it. Not to defend him, but it is nice to be desired by someone else, and be flirty. It's when that is taken to heart and one person crosses that line is the problem. And I do think he knew...But didn't think anything of it obviously. (Which is good because it also in a way shows he wasn't so attached to her.)

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So her reaction excluded (unless the "I hope and pray you forgive me" part is her saying she still wants to be part of his life) the part about him saying "No more contact." This is a red flag and TRUST ME, she WILL try 'things' to get his attention and get him to 'help' her though a 'hard' time at some point... Please mention this to your husband. And I really hope he doesn't email her anymore. It's over.

 

 

Why give her the power to decide? You both have to MAKE that choice for her by telling her NO more contact. For her own good and protection of her own immediate family she shouldn't be contacting anymore. I guess the other threat is, IF she emails again and brings it up or tries to "pursue" is to tell her flatout - IF you do this one more time YOUR family will find out what happened. That should scare her off.

 

I do believe your husband, that he played it up abit and enjoyed it. Not to defend him, but it is nice to be desired by someone else, and be flirty. It's when that is taken to heart and one person crosses that line is the problem. And I do think he knew...But didn't think anything of it obviously. (Which is good because it also in a way shows he wasn't so attached to her.)

 

I meant that his WIFE has to decide if she can live with it. No contact with the email flasher is a given.

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benditlikebeckham

So what to do now ?

 

Should I email her and say something or just leave it at this - her last email and explanation of what she did...

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This is a wild guess about this situation and if it rings true for you, great, if not, it was worth a shot. This gal has some emotional problems (duh, I know). Your husband recognizes this and maintained this "friendship" of sorts. Was he sort of thinking of himself as helping her and being a sort of counselor/mentor/role model to her? Perhaps this relationship filled some sort of need that he hasn't expressed to you or even recognized in himself. Maybe he needs to do some volunteer work in the community or find some other way to feel like he's helping people and being appreciated. My appologies if I'm totally off base, but I get this feeling from your email that your husband wasn't really doing this for *sexual* reasons, but for some other reason and this is my best guess.

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