am i wrong to want out??

[lonelywife81]

okay guys.. this is my first post here so i want to say hello and thanks to anyone who reads this long post....

here goes..

i am 24... met my husband when i was 19.. ended up getting pregnant quickly, and decided the brilliant idea of getting married.. well been 5 years now and we have 2 kids now and i am not happy... basically i missed out on 'being on my own' and being single and i feel i didn't marry the right person...

it's so complicated.. he's nice and all.. but he just doesn't 'do it' for me, i don't know if he ever did, really...

he's good -looking, does more around the house than i do(yeah i'm embarrassed), and he's great with the kids.. but we have like nothing in common...yeah i know you guys are gonna say 'well why'd you marry him?.. well i was young and didn't know better.. anyway he just isn't very romantic and always turns me down sexually, unless he is really in the mood, and then he'll come on to me, and i'll 'take what i can get' cuz i dont' know when he'll want it again... but he doesn't have much of a sense of humor...

i like football, he doesn't.. i am educated, he isn't..

i am not trying to sound shallow... it's just i'm in college now going for my RN.. already an LPN... and i'm stressed out...

i'm tired of being a romance-less marriage to someone who goes from one factory job to another and comes home dirty all the time...

we barely have enough money to buy diapers and pay the rent and i want to do more with my life..

sometimes at work i'll see gorgeous doctors or other 'professionals' and i wonder what it would be like to be with someone that i can talk to on an intellectual level and have a real conversation besides 'what's for dinner'.. or 'what bill can't we pay this month?'..... it'd be nice to be with someone that has a stable job and comes home fairly clean, and has enough money to make sure his family has what they need..

i am not trying to sound bitter... but nursing is a stressful job and i have bad anxiety disorder (had all my life, really) and i'm scared of losing my license all the time in this career (u fellow nurses know how demandind the job is!).. and i would love to devote more time to what i think is my true calling...art..

i love drawing portraits and still-lifes and i'm pretty good at it.. but artists dont' make much money... i wish i could have time and energy to focus on my hobby but i dont'..

i'm too stressed out to even play with my kids... i don't feel attracted to my husband.. when people see us together they can't believe we are a couple.. i'm more articulate and well-spoken, and he can't get to the point of his story right away, i dont' know.. am i making sense here, guys?

basically , i'm in college, working part -time, and i admit i can be lazy around the house, but that stems from me just being tired of my life... no romance to look forward to, bills barely being paid... my only outlet is my books, my art, and the internet....

i just want to know if i'm awful for thinking i chose the wrong person.. i don't see myself being married to him the rest of my life.. but i'm not very marketable (having 2 kids) although i'm fairly decent-looking....

plus he said nobody would want me because i have anxiety issues and i'm not the best homemaker!!

basically we have zilch in common besides the kids and bills, and i'm the one trying to advance my career so i can make more money per hour so we can pay our bills, and he just doen't understand my n eed for intellectual stimulation, or a sense of humor, or fun!! i'd love to cheer and hoot with someone watching the Super Bowl, (go steelers!).. but he doesnt...

all he does is yell at me cuz i don't fold the laundry right.. or i leave my clothes on the floor, or the house looks cluttered.. as i mentioned, i am an artist and have anxiety. so sometimes, yes, i get scatterbrained.. but i am so miserable in my marriage,,,, i would love to be with a guy that makes decent money so that i can enjoy my time with the kids and my job, not worrying that I have to be the main breadwinner..

am i making any sense?

i'm too young to feel this old and miserable..does anyone else (female) feel it's okay to want to be with a "financially secure" man,,? i don't want to be a gold-digging, lazy type.. but with my anxiety and stress... i'd enjoy being with someone that i can have fun with and that has enough to pay the bills, so that when i work, the money can be used to buy the kids' clothes, and go out once in a while, etc.

any advice greatly appreciated!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

First of all, sounds like you have a lot going on in your life.

 

Are you in counseling for your anxiety disorder??

 

I have PTSD, and suffer from depression at times. I know it can make things seems worse than they really are at times.

 

If you are in counseling could your counselor work with you both? Would he be willing to see a counselor to work on the marriage??

 

Whatever you do, do not divorce your husband thinking how fun it will be to be single. In reality you'll be a single mom and more overworked than you are right now. You may meet someone fabulous like I did, but then again you could be single for 5-10 years.

 

Divorce is a serious matter which requires discussion when you are more level headed. Which you are not right now. Do not make a life altering decision in the emotional state you are in right now. You have no idea how hard it will be on you or on your kids, but I do, because I've been there. Take a step back and breathe.

 

Your kids are suffering because of your behavior now, that is why I recommend counseling for you as well as for the marriage.

[thegoodhubbie]

My heart goes out to you, it truly does. The direct answer to your question after reading your post is, no. You are not wrong to want out. It is common from time to time to want out of a relationship, even a good one, and it doesn't seem like you have a bad relationship, it sounds like you were married too young and outgrew your partner.

 

That said, the first thing you should do is take things slowly and THINK. Like Mz Pixie said, take a step back and breath. It seems like there are a billion things running through your head, and the grass is not always greener, though I do totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it can be really frustrating

 

I have two kids and am the "more educated" spouse who has creative hobbies that I can never seem to get to because there is just no time. Fortunately for me I had the chance to explore that side of myself and got to "be on my own" before I was married.

 

It doesn't seem that talking to your husband is going to help, because I don't hear anything that he is really doing that is wrong. Just be careful, if you decide to leave, it won't be easy at all. Maybe you should talk to a counselor on your own or someone close to you who knows the whole situation. I know you will get better advice from the others that come to this site, I just felt the need to toss in my opinion. Good luck to you.

[Presario]

If you had just a bad moment when you wrote this email, then just take it easy, don't take any serious steps. Bad times pass and make you stronger and happier.

 

If you feel this way all the time, then it's a problem. In that case if I were your husband, I would want to leave you.

[jnel921]

First of all...You sound like you try to look at everything from all angles. You don't seem happy with your choices and are wondering if things were different would they be better. Maybe...maybe not...It all depends on you and your husband. Your husband doesn't sound like a bad person. Your complaint is that he works a blue collar job and maybe doesn't make as much, but it seems like he makes up for that by taking extra care of the home and keeping things clean, doing laundry, taking care of the kids and maybe cooking a meal. What woman wouldn't want that? You say he doesn't want sex as much, but he may be upset about all of the fights he is having with you. When he tells you to pick up the clothes..You're cancelling out the cleaning or laundry he took time to do. Is it fair?

 

I am not attacking you... I want you to understand that life isn't always about money or how much a man should have or if it makes the man. You say you wonder what having a man who is financially secure would be like. Well honestly...Alot of men out there dont want to take care of anyone else's kids. They may be very reluctant to have a commited relationship with you because of that. Unless your kids are grown and out the door...then some may consider it. Some may give you that attention...but you will see that alot aren't interested in having a relationship with your kids. Then you have to worry about pedophiles and abusive men. It's a scary world out there. So be prepared.

 

If you and your husband communicate well, I suggest you talk to him about changing careers...or maybe even studying himself. This is if the job situation is really that bad and there is no room for job or salary growth. Go to counseling and start learning how to talk to each other. When you do that you can start supporting each others decisions and careers. Start helping each other and ultimately set some goals that you both can achieve.

 

The hardest part about marrying young is growing with the person you are with. Alot of times if you lose focus on the goals you will lose the person you are with. I know because I am 37 and in a 2nd marriage. My ex-H was exactly the way you described your husband to be. Except I encouraged him to eventually go to school and get his plumbing license and down the road he earned more money. When he felt better about himself and his situation he messed up and decided he have an affair. What were we missing? Communication. So I divorced him and was alone with my 2 young children. I was single for 5 1/2 years before I married again. I dated the kind of men that you described. Some were very wealthy. But it didnt change what I already knew. They didnt want to be commited to me. Alot of them had issues of their own that I didnt want to deal with. So no amount of money was worth it. I kept a well paying job, a roof over my kids head, food on the table and a car when I was by myself. Just having those things made me feel good about myself. The fact that I wasnt thinking about having thoe things with a successful person made it better. When I did remarry I appreciated what my new husband added to my life. Yes at the time he was a warehouse worker...but he loved me and my kids. We both had goals and he became a police officer and I excelled at my own career and life is great.

 

Think really hard about what it is you think you can't fix with your husband. All you may need to do is find common ground and talk about it. If you love each other and value your family then you may get thru this....good luck to you.

[Ladyjane14]

"Wherever you go....There you are."

 

Make sure that the problem does not lie within you, rather than with your mate. Make absolutely certain that your expectations regarding the marital relationship are reasonable. I would recommend that you make a study of it if you haven't already done so.

 

A good question to ask yourself, when pondering the question of divorce is: 'Would I rather spend the rest of my life ALONE, than to spend it with my spouse?'

 

When the answer is an unequivocal 'YES', then chances are you're making the right decision. When the answer hinges upon your ability to "trade up" on your current mate, you have some soul-searching to do.

[Shana]

Your husband DO NOT sound like a bad guy at all. So what if he is not a top executive, he does not sound verbally or physically absusive to you so count your blessings!

 

What I do think is your too young, you got married too young and you had not 1 but 2 kids ... too young!!

 

All the fairly tales of being "in love" and wanting to have babies blah blah - the reality is hitting you now.

No, you cannot do anything about the kids, they are for keeps. If you are not happy with your husband, then CAN YOU LEAVE? And I am talking financilly care for two kids by yourself???? RN's don't make all that much but if you think you are the better provider here then by all means, leave.

 

As far as being "marketable" I think that should be the last thing on your mind for now if you decide to leave.. you will have to get two jobs and school to pay for the kids.. you think you don't have no time now......

 

I feel for your husband in this matter.. he has no money and it seems that is huge with you. He comes home with dirt under his nails and you'd rather date the (probably married) doctor at work... (hypothetically speaking).

 

Sad.. Have you talked to your H?

[lonelywife81]

umm.... wow.. i didn't know evryone would be such a harsh critic to me..

actually i have been diagnosed wtih depression and that is part of reason why i don't care about the housework, etc...

and yes i do appreciate that husband does a lot of housework and cooking, but there is 'nothing there' betweeen us... nothing in common, we argue all the time..

i'm tired of ppl saying how lucky i am to be with a guy that does housework.. just cuz he does housework does not make him a good husband (necessarily)

he's a good father and good housekeeper,but he is verbally abusive and always telling me that i'm 'nothing' and worthless, etc..

so it feels like i'm living with a housekeeper as a roommate..

does that make sense?

stay in a marriage where your spouse cares more about that the dishes are done before he can lay a finger on you or even kiss you?

you guys don't know how it feels to be in a marriage wondering every day if your husband really loves you or is just staying for the kids.....

i'm so miserable i just want to sleep or cry all the time...

it's awful..

thanks to those that understand......

it's not about me 'trading up' my spouse.. i jut want to feel like i'm with someone that can do a decent job of providing for a family and that has a sense of humor and can not be so uptight about the house being 'perfect' all the time..and be with someone that i'm sure loves me for ME(not just cuz i'm the mother of their kids)

plus someone that likes watching STeelers games with me would be a plus!!!

but you guys all are just gonna tell me to stop whining and that you feel bad for my husband, so why do i even try?

thanks for listening?

[barfool]

I'm afraid I will differ slighlty from some of the previous opinions. I was in a very similar situation minus the kids and the marriage. We were together for 6 years and owned a home together, shared a bank account so it was like being married.

 

The guy I was with was a very nice guy, handy arround the house, a hard worker, financially stable and we did make each other laugh. He was my first relationship so eventually of course I started thinking all those "what ifs." After years of denial and thinking I decided that he was a great guy that will make some woman very happy but just not me. There were some things that he lacked that I decided are crucial for me in a man. Mainly intellect, emotional understanding and ambition. It was a very hard decision but I left him.

 

A lot of people would think I'm crazy for doing such a thing. But I've decided (through counseling and meds) that I am a worthwhile person that deserves someone who will satisfy my needs. Yes, I may never find him and that would suck. If I stayed with my ex then I would be basically taken care of but still unhappy.

 

Back to your situation, it is complicated because you have the children. I would not, however, remain in an unhappy relationship just "for the kids." I recommend before you make any decision to definitely seek counseling. Since you are depressive and have an anxiety problem this is an absolute necessity!!!