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should i trust again?


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I just found out my husband of one month was looking at porm; specifically escort sites. He travels and they happen to be in areas that he travels to.

Is this cheating.? My last husband started with porm and then moved to real women. I feel like getting an annulment. I don't know what to do?

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IMO porn in itself isn't a deal breaker but if he's looking at escort sites around areas he traveling to then I would definetly talk to him about it. Although I don't know what kinda excuse he can use (don't fall for the 'I was only curious but would never act on it') kinda thing.

 

If he's looking to cheat on you now, good chance he's been cheating on you in the past.

 

I look at porn and have to admit when I was in NYC with my wife at the hotel I opened up the phone book where the escorts were. Although when I did that my wife looked to and made some silly jokes about it.

 

If I was traveling alone however I would not lookup such sites specially looking in those areas before traveling there. Go with your gut instinct, it wont' lie to you.

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How do you feel about his co-workers or the clients he sees when he travels? In my case, my husband had to admit that his (male)mortgage banking clients expect to be treated to escorts at the cocktail parties hosted by the company where he works (at the time I was reeling from other issues and this was his way of explaining what he had done really wasn't bad in comparison). I don't want to give your husband an out, but according to my husband having a few names on hand (or direction and a tip for the highest mileage stripper at a given spot) is part of business when his company meets with clients at their conferences in Vegas, Tampa, San Diego, Philly...

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I don't want to sound pessimistic, but it is not common for any company to treat clients to escorts. If he was looking at strip clubs, there is maybe a chance of that being for clients. But from experience, looking at escort sites in places where you will be going is probably what it seems.

 

I am not sure of your approach if the above is true, but I would do some investigating. Does he call you while he is on trips?

 

Credit card receipts? Cell records? Or you can directly ask him when he least expects you to ask. Watch his response. Watch his eyes.

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I'm the CIO at our company and from what this company practices and the previous ones I was at none of the NEVER setup escort services for their clients. We've taken them on cruises, trips, dinners, etc.. However never in a million years would any of these companies resort to such a low thing.

 

Either these companies your husband works for are very immoral or your husband is lying.

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slubberdegullion

It's unlikely that he's getting escort services paid for by clients. But, alas, the potential for him to stray when he's on the road may be a problem.

 

While my first instincts are to avoid unnecessary confrontation, I don't know what choice you have here.

 

You may, of course, simply accompany him on his trips if that's possible, or show up unannounced at his hotel some time. Thing is, you may find out something that you'd rather not appreciate.

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Once again I back up Slub and add....

 

He may just be fantasising.

 

I despair of men who give their wives such worries.

 

Ask him outright what the hell he is up to. Let HIM explain to you instead of you eating up yourself with worry.

 

Confront him, now. Make sure you get all your concerns answered.

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Now you didnt give enough detail on what could possibly be causing this, so as a guy all I can do is guess:

You both need a marriage counselor, because there are some comunication problems. If the communication were really there, he wouldnt be turning to porn. If both of your husbands had this problem, then that means you're probably not meeting their intimate needs. Husbands need to feel, hear and show their love. Somewhere you're not cutting it in this area as a couple. Maybe he's starving for your attention and wanted you to find out about the escort interest as a cry for desperation. There are damaging effects of porn... the way it gives the false impression of what woman should act like and look like. But he probably tricks himself in to thinking that the girl in the porn photo does it for him so you don't have to. and gives him the illusion that he's only doing it for you....this is wrong, but it tricks a lot of guys. He probably doesnt want to go to bed with a "loaded gun" so to speak. That way he doesnt have to deal with embarrassing begging and rejection. Find out whats he's thinking before you freak.

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slubberdegullion
Husbands need to feel, hear and show their love.

Probably one of the best pieces for advice, nicely summarized, pretty much anywhere. Well done. Very cool, despite your handle :).

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if he's looking up escort services, 98% sure he's cheating.

 

if you bring it up to him he'll deny it. like MrsP's H, he'll come up with some lie that you can hang on to.

 

cheaters are almost always liars too.

 

doesn't sound like much of a man to me. one month into the marriage and he's cheating? because his needs aren't met? then why hasn't he talked to you about it first?

 

nah i don't buy that crap.

 

rather than it being about your inadequacy as a woman, i'm betting it's more about your having a blind spot in your intuition that makes you fall for the same kind of loser. was your father a cheater? etc

 

cheaters are cheaters because it's all about them. they don't honor the commitments they make. it will only get worse and you'll never be able to trust him.

 

the only way you're going to know for sure is by hiring a PI to tail him on one of his trips. he'll never come clean if he doesn't have to. and he could be bringing home to you some pretty nasty stuff, so i'd advise you to do it.

 

yes i would get an annullment too. pronto.

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jen_jen_heartbroken

If this was happening after one month of marriage, when things are supposed to be in the honeymoon phase, I'd be looking for that annulment.

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cygny obviously gave your her bitter hurt divorced female point of view

 

my ex was quite a gentleman. i still like him. we had some fantastic times together. i'm sorry it didn't work out. that's life i guess.

 

but i am not stupid about men, or women for that matter. my posts show no gender bias, if you had bothered to look.

 

and, kindly refrain from insulting other members of the forum. i obviously touched a nerve, but that's your problem not mine. you seem to need to attack me, rather than my advice. why is that?---perhaps you are projecting your own problems onto this situation? i think that may be the case.

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I'm the CIO at our company and from what this company practices and the previous ones I was at none of the NEVER setup escort services for their clients.
At the golf-related events, they are called "caddies," at this year's SuperBowl party they will be hired as "Cheerleaders" to serve the drinks and at last year's Mardi Gras bash I think they were officially called the eye-candy. Apparently, he now says, his company is only responsible for the introductions. What do I know; I'm just the wife and it is all "just business." :)
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Again no company with any sort of decent standards would permit this. What would they do if they tried writing this off as a business expense and then got audited?

 

I don't buy it. Get ahold of his cell phone records, along with installing a 'keylogger' on your computer. However people who cheat will often go through many lengths to cover their tracks.

 

The place I work at is a large distributor of construction materials. Our clients are either large modulars or construction companies. You would think that if we wouldn't serve our kind of clients escorts, etc.. then why would your husband's?

 

He's looking for escorts for himself, IMO. That's the feeling I get. Go with your gut instinct here. If it looks & smells like a rat, then it is a rat.

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