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friendship -> affair: how likely?


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I wonder how likely it is that you can get involved in an affair with your friend. Today I read a post where the W said her H had a friend at work who then became his mistress. How common is this?

 

I had a female friend at work (I'm a guy). We enjoyed working together, having lunch or just chatting. I would compliment her on her skills, commitment and results at work. However, I have not complimented her on her looks even though she was an attractive woman. Complimenting her looks would be inappropriate and damaging, inappropriate because it would make us both uncomfortable, damaging because we would become less of friends. Our relationship had not become an affair not only because we didn't want it, but also because I had to change location. We are both married, but our spouses lived far way because of work arrangements.

 

Now I think the primary reason why there was no affair is that we didn't want it, and not because there was no time for the affair to unfold. We are both serious about our marriages, and we appreciated each other as friends not as lovers. Should I therefore be free with such relationships or should I be more careful?

 

Do you think there is a general rule that would save you from such affairs? If there is such a rule, then for me is to be fair and to have a friend only for the friendship, and never want to upgrade it to an affair.

 

What is your experience with such relationships? Thanks.

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My best friend is a guy. I am friends with his wife, too. The important thing here the word 'friends'. There is no physical attraction between the two of us. We joke and talk about everything, but always with respect to his wife.

We have never come even close to an A, and know that we never will.

I think if you are honest with yourself and your friends, you have nothing to worry about.

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I think that it's possible because in your case you did NOT allow yourself to go gaga over her, allow yourself to have sexual thoughts about her or let any feelings grow other than just pure honest friendship. That is wonderful. And yes, it is possible! BOTH parties involved have to not cross that line, ever. If one or both do, then the friendship energy changes forever and won't be innocent anymore.

 

I have afew male friends I've known most of my life. Afew others are previous coworkers and my husband knows them all.

 

The rule of thumb, if you aren't comfy with your spouse knowing what you're doing or saying then don't say it. And don't do it.

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my best friend was a woman I worked with. We admired and respected one another, enhanced one another professionally and talked a lot when we had the time. However, at no time did we even so much as share a meal. I was married, she'd been divorced for well over a decade when we met and it just wouldn't have been comfortable for either of us.

 

Fast forward to today. We've now been married for almost 10 years and are still the best of friends. Thankfully, she went to work for another agency or we likely never would have gone out together. That's my experience and at no time was an affair even the ghost of a thought for either one of us.

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in your case you did NOT allow yourself to go gaga over her, allow yourself to have sexual thoughts about her or let any feelings grow other than just pure honest friendship

 

You see, I found her attractive. She was a fox! But I would make sure not to fantasize about her.

 

BTW, I didn't know the expression "go gaga over her" - that's neat. I'm not a native speaker of English.

 

My_Other_I, Whichwayisup, Curmudgeon I'm glad it works for you. Perhaps I'm too careful about this.

 

Is there someone here like Harry (from the movie "When Harry met Sally"), who would say that there can be no friendship between a woman and a man?

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Well, I'll step in and say that there can't be any CLOSE friendships between men and women...who are involved/married with someone else.

 

You asked if there was a 'rule' you could follow in the future...there are several boundaries you can use to help keep yourself out of trouble like this. I use them all the time...I work in a corporate environment with a lot of ladies.

 

1. Do NOT talk about relationship problems with your respective spouses!- If you need advice or just someone to talk to about issues with your spouse...only do so with a same-sex friend. Doing this can lead to some emotional intimacy with friends of the opposite sex...and get you into trouble.

 

2. NO FLIRTING!- Even in fun...it gets the mind to thinking on things it shouldn't, and can lead to crossed lines. It might make you feel good in the short term, but long-term it spells disasters coming.

 

3. Never take time 'alone' with someone of the opposite sex- It's too easy to let boundaries get crossed when there isn't an audience around to make sure that you stay on your best behavior. Keep in mind that "if I wouldn't do it in front of my spouse..." policy here too.

 

4. If you do find yourself attracted to someone...do not EVER tell them this!- Again, it just sets the stage for something to happen. Everyone looks...but letting someone else know that you find them attractive is dangerous if you're married.

 

5. If someone tells YOU that they're attracted to you...end the friendship immediately.- Once that line is crossed, the risks to your marriage are HUGE. Knowing that they feel that way can drastically change how you feel about them...combined with your friendship, it's a dangerous situation for sure!

 

6. Never engage in a pastime or hobby with an opposite sex friend that doesn't include your spouse.- You'd be amazed at how many affairs start this way. One of the most common 'emotional needs' for many people are their hobbies/pastimes. And if you share this time with someone other than your spouse, you're just setting your marriage up for failure.

 

Hope these give you some decent basic guidelines for you to follow. It sounds to me like you've kind of stuck to them already...keep your wits about you and you'll probably be fine.

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Be careful because an affair happens at work most of the time and the fact that you are spending more time with her and not seeing your spouses .. There is air and opportunity so be careful.. An affair can happen anywhere especially when you aren't seeing your spouses because of working arrangements !! I am glad you two have reconized that it can happen ,now it is up to you two not to let it go further than friends.. You already think she is hot !! Good luck

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Owl's got it spot on, particularly with this

 

Do NOT talk about relationship problems with your respective spouses!- If you need advice or just someone to talk to about issues with your spouse...only do so with a same-sex friend. Doing this can lead to some emotional intimacy with friends of the opposite sex...and get you into trouble.

 

and this:

Never engage in a pastime or hobby with an opposite sex friend that doesn't include your spouse.- You'd be amazed at how many affairs start this way. One of the most common 'emotional needs' for many people are their hobbies/pastimes. And if you share this time with someone other than your spouse, you're just setting your marriage up for failure.

 

This is how affairs start between friends - they engage in the sort of activities that build strong emotional bonds so even if they didn't plan to have an affair, they find themselves deeply attached to one another and the next step is bed.

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Thanks, Owl, for your input.

 

Never take time 'alone' with someone of the opposite sex- It's too easy to let boundaries get crossed when there isn't an audience around to make sure that you stay on your best behavior. Keep in mind that "if I wouldn't do it in front of my spouse..." policy here too.

 

She invited me over for a nice dinner. We would make sure there was enough distance between us, and that we said nothing inappropriate. The dinner was nice, but not romantic or sexually-stimulating. We just needed some company. Getting closer to her didn't even cross my mind.

 

I think the problem begins when you start to think about getting closer to the other person. Once you let yourself feel this way, you will do something one way or another.

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