Can't stand it anymore...

[boshemia]

Ughhh, that bad guy is back and in full force. Things were going so well, we just bought a new house and I love it. Now it's my fault... when he gets mad everything is my fault. I know we are under a lot of financial stress, we had no idea that the move would be so expensive, and the house would need so much work... we are dead broke and the only way we are going to dig our way out of it is to get our taxes in...

 

He's also been really sick for a week, I've been trying to go upstairs and make sure he doesn't need anything, run errand for him, and take care of him. He just glares at me and wont tell me if he's hungry, he storms dowstairs and starts rifling through cupboards slamming doors like I'm not taking care of him. I told him I would do his laundry and that just made him mad too...

 

So anyways... I can accept that we are under a lot of stress but the abusive behaviors are returning as well. Hitting things, yelling, pushing me away. He hasn't talked to me nicely for four days and I can't stand it...

 

I'm tired of the whole mess, I'm tired of being at the mercy of his mood swings, and I'm tired of him yelling or even worse not talking to me at all. Being ignored is even worse than being yelled at it really is...

 

I can't leave, I can't ask him to leave... so I guess I just have to live with it... He puts the kids and I through hell when he is like this. We are all walking on egg shells...

 

So I'm thinking it's time for another wake up call... I am thinking from now on when he is in a bad mood the kids and I will just go into their rooms and stay away from him, I can sleep in my sons room if I can get another bed... I guess i can just stay there until he can get himself under control again... any other ideas???

[whichwayisup]

He isn't going to change his behaviour, you all have to work around it and change yours. For the time being...

 

I wouldn't say hide in your rooms, but just DO NOT REACT when he starts into a mood.

 

And...Ignore him. I know that isn't nice but hey, you've taken alot of s*** from him and honestly, him being sick is NO excuse. So, don't cater to his needs, he's a bigboy and can feed himself. All you can do (if you want) is don't ask him, just DO. When you're making dinner, bring him a plate but DO NOT SAY A WORD to him. Not one word... Trust me, that silence to him will make him stop in his tracks ...

 

I feel for your kids as they are suffering from his moodiness. Try to explain to them that their daddy DOES love them, but when he gets into a bad mood, it's best to leave him alone until the mood passes...I know that is awful but right now it's only thing to do without fireworks in the house. If you react to him, he'll react to you...Not good.

[boshemia]

Thank you...

 

I slept in my sons room, so maybe he realized he was being hard on me? Or he enjoyed a good nights sleep without me tossing and turning.He came home tonight all better, smiling and friendly. Sometimes that drives me crazy more than anything. The which mood will he be in now? Do I keep my guard up, do I take it down and risk getting hurt.

 

It's like living in a war zone, and always waiting for the next bombing...

 

The kids are actually starting to handle it pretty well, but I hate to make them live like this. When he comes home we decide if he is tolerable, if he's not we often leave now. We are voting as a family on my husbands state of mind... I just realized how pathetic that sounds.

[Becoming]

I grew up in a household like this with a father that sounds like your husband. It hurts the children more than you will know because they don't want to hurt you. You're their only hope and they have to cling to whatever you say and do.

 

I haven't read any of your other posts, I don't think, so I don't know the history or back story, but your family needs serious help--all of you. Contact a domestic abuse counselor for advice. Your husband may be bi-polar, which is a medical problem he can seek help for that insurance should cover. He definitely has problems with his vulnerability, which he takes out on you.

[uleryrns]

Man, you sound like you're married to my husband.

 

He's bipolar and what's worse, he knows he is, but doesn't take his meds. Nor will he eat right, which definitely adds to the mood swings. He eats like one meal a day (dinner) and so he starves all day and then drinks like a 6 pack of soda all day too, so the sugar and caffeine add to the swings. And on top of that, he smokes and will try to go without smoking (why I don't know), which then adds to his moods because he has the nicotine withdrawal.

 

He is very very very hard to live with and more often than not I find myself wanting to leave him. But unfortunately, I have no where to go, and with the kids, and all the stuff we need for them, it would be so much easier to throw his ass to the curb. It makes me sick thinking about it, mostly because it's been a wish of mine for quite some time, but it'll only make things worse if I leave or make him leave. Other than a "wake up call" for him, I don't know what it will solve.

 

So, we go to counseling (marriage). The therapist has given us good advice and it would help, if he'd do what he's supposed to. The majority of our issues and problems stem from "communication" issues and HIS issues with taking care of himself and his bipolar mood swings (see above paragraphs). We've only gone to 3 sessions, and I'm not seeing much change, and I'm still so frustrated.

 

He has never hit me or physically abused me personally. BUT, he has (and is still) verbally and mentally abused me numerous times. And I know he's punished the children more excessively than he should have. Not to where it is child abuse, but close.

 

He wasn't like that when we got married. But over the last 5 years (we've been together 6), it's just gotten worse and worse and more and more hard to deal/live with him. I walk on eggshells constantly and never know when he's gonna blow up so I always am on the defense. He's usually irritable and bitchy most of the time and those are the times I just can't stand being around him, because I know the slightest thing will set him off. And then instead of acting like a mature adult and talking about what's bothering him, he holds it in, so it festers. Then before you know it, he's yelling at me and storming around the house, over some really miniscule issue. Usually blaming me, regardless of whether I was involved or not. He acts like a big 3 year old, throwing a tantrum.

 

But if I ignore him, I'll never hear the end of it and it'll make things 10 times worse. How dare I not respond and behave how he "expects" me to. Did I mention that on top of being bipolar, he's also very self righteous and demanding? He acts like he's the king over everything and he's always right no matter what. I feel like I'm his maid servant who can do nothing right. There's no being logical or rational with him.

 

Only when he's calmed down and in his low-state, can he realize how wrong he was and how he behaved badly and inappropriately. Meanwhile, the harm has been done and I've been hurt and upset again. And I wonder how many times must I go through this? How long must I endure his mood swings before they stop? Because the way I see it now, they aren't coming close to slowing down, let alone stopping. He's continuing to treat me badly, even after me telling him I want to leave him because of it.

 

And what makes me even more sick and upset:mad:, is when he is in his rational frame of mind, and he tells me all these wonderful things, that he's so sorry and wants to get better and do all the things to be a better husband, blah blah blah. But then NOTHING changes. NOTHING. It's the same song and dance every time. I'm sorry, but here, let me beat you about the head with my verbal and mental abuse until you are in a corner crying and wishing for my death. As if a sorry will fix everything. Meanwhile, I feel so much resentment and frustration because of this cycle that just won't stop. It could if he wanted it to, if he tried, really tried to do what he's supposed to. But he doesn't.

 

More and more I just wish I had never married him. Sure we have happy times and can be best of friends, when he's in the right mood, but more often than not, he's not and I just want to hide myself and the kids from him. It's obvious he doesn't have respect for me. And how long before the kids start feeling like I do or worse (they are 2 and 4)?

 

I also think if he loved me and meant what he said, he'd do the changes he's agreed to. He'd eat regularly. He'd take his meds. He'd smoke when he needed to. He'd find ways of dealing with his emotions before freaking out. But he doesn't. What does it take?

[Becoming]

U--it sounds like you're gonna have to get a job in order to be ready to leave if need be. You're about at the end. Three sessions in MC isn't long enough to know if it's gonna do any good; it takes a long time. Have you mentioned all of this in MC? Does MC confront him on his lack of work?

[uleryrns]

I do have a job - a full time one at that. We don't have much for saving away though.

 

I know it's only been 3 sessions and I need to be patient with that. My sister in law told me it took 6 months of weekly sessions for and my bro to get through their issues (which are the same to some degree, but yet different as well, than mine). So 3 times isn't much to go on.

 

Our therapist does hold my husband accountable to some degree, but it that issue only only brought up at the last meeting, so we have yet to go back and have her realize not much is being done. It kind of makes me mad though that he talks as if he's doing all this work and changing all thse behaviors and doing so well (when he's not) and I'll say I don't see what he's talking about, but she gives him all this praise. I'm almost wondering about switching therapists, because my husband isn't getting the "true" picture about HIS issues.

 

And maybe I'm not being realistic, I don't know.