is he pushing me away intentionally

[seeking_a_life]

I need to vent. I am aching. I feel abused, used, mistreated, taken for granted, ugly and like an overall failure in relationships or knowing how to get loved back. But I don’t know if I’m making a big deal out of some things or if my fears and assumptions are correct and his behaviour confirms and shows that he just does not love me. We have lived together for going 3 years.

 

Some things I’m going to tell you guys are going to send you right to the reply box with a “dump him, he needs to get a job”, or maybe not. He is severely diabetic and has no money to switch to an insulin pump, in addition to the diabetes, he has Hep C as a probably result of blood transfusion in 1987.

 

I have been the only breadwinner for the last year, but I have no insurance benefits because I have been a contract worker my entire career. He is HIGHLY skilled in computers, has training and certificates but claims most of the time lately he is either “too sick to work” or when he’s arguing and fighting and “defending” himself against me he says “why should I work for YOU?” or “I’ll NEVER work for YOU” or “”you make me miserable, I have no drive to work for You” While in the meantime I pay our full rent (which is more than I’ve ever paid in my life ever), pay for our food, pay for his insulin/syringes, the phone and cable bills (internet connection and tv). I do most of the driving. All that and most of the time he truly complains. For every tiny, half-assed acknowledgement there are 5 times more the complaints. Sometimes I swear it seems like he is complaining

 

He comes from a more blue collar, college is a luxury type household and I am from a more type "a", over-acheiving, education is everything family. So he often says my demands are “spoiled” or this morning the thing that upset me that happened that sent me here to loveshack is that he supposedly had scheduled a job interview this morning. When I woke up for work I asked him what time he wanted to wake up. He bit my head off and said “OMG- you are OBSESSED” I was just trying to be thoughtful of his needs. It just feels like abuse sometimes, ya know. IMHO he can be very cruel and impatient and unfair to me. God it hurts so much when I review it.

 

The thing is, he is the one that says I am abusive to him. I will be honest. I DO get more physical (while he rarely does not), I have a history of being in previously sort of violent relationships (where usually my friends insisted I was the “victim”) and I have a really short fuse for him now, and a quick tendency to get very upset with him. But in my mind this often begins initially because I am hurt, and dreading his button pushing which I feel he plans and does on purpose. He then comes back at me and says "my anger is unpredictable." This (to me) emotional torture/mindscrew is so predictably prevalent I have harboured resentment, literally sooooo much resentment toward him. My descriptions of the stuff he does to upset me haven’t even touched the surface.

 

If I ask him what time his insulin shot is, he bites my head off for not knowing and I will never respect that he needs to take his shot at a certain time. If I try to remind him it's time for him to take his shot or ask him what time he needs to wake up he says I am obsessed. Why is he screwing with my head like this????

 

I know so many people will jump to the opinion of “ just leave him” or “get counseling”. I do realize one of those solutions is necessary to make this work. I don’t know how open he is to the counseling. That would be my first move in a second. However I am aware of the dynamics of the “cylcle of violence” and if there are abusive patterns in my relationship, most domestic violence counselors stress that relationship counseling doesn help that dynamic.

 

I partly feel that he is doing all of this in his usual passive aggressive manner so that I will leave him and he can then continue to blame me for the demise. I don’t want to be his scapegoat anymore. I loved and believed in him soooo much when we started this relationship.

[JadeStar]

He is a grown man and should be more intuned with his medical problems as far as taking care of them on his own, remebering his shots etc.

 

Yes you will probably get people to tell you to either try couples counseling or get out of it. However, I'm a firm believer in people trying to make it work by getting outside help if need be. Then after everything has been tried there is to try and things still wont work then it might be time to call it quits. So possibly suggest counseling to him. If he does NOT want to try that for the sake of the relationship, then I think you may have your answer. Its not one sided, has to be both that want to work on things.

 

 

 

Jade

[seeking_a_life]

He is a grown man and should be more intuned with his medical problems as far as taking care of them on his own, remebering his shots etc.

 

Yes you will probably get people to tell you to either try couples counseling or get out of it. However, I'm a firm believer in people trying to make it work by getting outside help if need be. Then after everything has been tried there is to try and things still wont work then it might be time to call it quits. So possibly suggest counseling to him. If he does NOT want to try that for the sake of the relationship, then I think you may have your answer. Its not one sided, has to be both that want to work on things.

 

 

 

Jade

 

I agree, I do want to make it work.

 

I am just so confused why he is blaming me for everything. I feel like he is taking his health conditions out on me and I feel that he blames every horrible thing in his life on me.

[lilmoma1973]

 

I know you don't want to hear this but i would say he has some control issues and suggest that you two go to couple counseling if you all want to make a go of it.. Otherwise if not willing than you should move on !!

[cygny]

sounds like you want to make it work and will do anything to try, so go that route. as to why he is doing this, well probably he is angry at life for starters and unhappy so taking it out on you. not sure you can fix that if that's the case.

[seeking_a_life]

RE:

i would say he has some control issues

 

I so lost or maybe just in serious denial. I'm still trying to establish if what he is doing is abusive or natural male stuff or if it is really just me.

 

sounds like you want to make it work and will do anything to try, so go that route. as to why he is doing this, well probably he is angry at life for starters and unhappy so taking it out on you. not sure you can fix that if that's the case.

 

 

As far as working it out, of course I do. But I'm really scared I mad a bad choice again. It does hurt and to be honest, his insults and accusations are sinking in to deep and he does say the same about mine.

 

I question whether I am a good or effective partner. Not only do I harbor resentment for him, I have for as long as I can remember have had a confidence problem and he almost seems to go out of his way to trigger it. I have really began to believe and internalize the negative stuff and I feel like crap about myself.

 

But could it paranoid on my part to think he is doing this all on purpose? I think that is what I've been trying to say, maybe...

[cygny]

what he is doing, as far as your description anyway, is not normal male behavior. read some of the other posts on this forum and you will see some really thoughtful, considerate men, along with ones that have issues with women. it will help you gain some perspective.

 

and you need to gain your self-esteem back. it sounds like you are doing everything in the relationship and he is picking at you. this cannot be good for you.

 

as to your last question, would you be able to accept it if he WAS intentionally pushing you away? what would you do if he were? how would you know for sure or would there always be a part of you that thought it was your own fault?

[justagirliegirl]

I don't know if he is doing it on purpose or not but it is probably a familiar pattern to him that he keeps living.

 

He seems quite immature and irresponsible.

 

Blaming you gets him off the hook.

 

You could try counseling but usually these types of deep issues as not working and abusive behavior don't change.

 

I know you care about him. Of course you do or you wouldn't still be there and putting up with this stuff!

 

He could end up ruining you financially which is not an easy mess to clean up. He is an adult and has been dealing with his diabetes for years and he knows how to take care of himself. He has just been dumping it on you. He isn't a child who needs to be reminded when to do things.

 

What I would do is either have him move out or you move out and take the relationship back down a level to dating. So that is what I would do.

 

Good luck to you and sorry you have to go through this stuff.

[seeking_a_life]

as to your last question, would you be able to accept it if he WAS intentionally pushing you away? what would you do if he were? how would you know for sure or would there always be a part of you that thought it was your own fault?

 

 

I do think at this point if I knew he didn't love me and was just in it to USE me as I have been fearing and accusing him of lately I would be able to burn my bridge away from him more. If he is just so down and out and depressed that he doesn't mean to treat me like ****, I would have guilt. Does that make sense?

 

 

What I would do is either have him move out or you move out and take the relationship back down a level to dating. So that is what I would do.

 

Good luck to you and sorry you have to go through this stuff.

Thank you too girlie girl.

[cygny]

I do think at this point if I knew he didn't love me and was just in it to USE me as I have been fearing and accusing him of lately I would be able to burn my bridge away from him more. If he is just so down and out and depressed that he doesn't mean to treat me like ****, I would have guilt. Does that make sense?

 

 

 

yeah i can completely understand how you feel. you don't want to abandon him if it's just because he's at a low point. You're loyal.

 

At some point though if its getting you down too much you've got to save yourself no matter what about him, ya know? don't let him drag your self-esteem down, that's too hard to recover from.

 

how would you know it if he was just using you?

[Ladyjane14]

I'm no professional, but.....yeah, his behavior sounds a bit "passive/aggressive" to me. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say he's likely suffering from some depression.

 

Like Jade said though...."he's a grown man". You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

 

I think that the compromise solution would be to give him a fairly clear choice. Either he gets a depression screening and follows through with treatment as needed. Or he get's his junk and gets out.

 

You should make certain that he has an ABSOLUTE understanding of the fact that you expect him to go back to work eventually. It's one thing to 'be there' for him and help him achieve his goals. It's another thing altogether if he doesn't have any goals to achieve. His health issues aren't disabling, and most diabetic people can live a very full, normal life if they're willing to MANAGE their diabetes. The same can be said for the Hep C.

 

If you put the 'ball in his court', it will be incumbant upon HIM to make the choice on if the marriage survives or not. He's not going to be able to turn all that back around on you. You gave him a clear and concise understanding of what is required for him to continue on in the role of Seeking_A_Life's husband.

 

Most likely you took the same vow that alot of us did...."in sickness, or in health", but that doesn't make you his mother. This guy is treating you like you are. You don't "owe him a living". Further, his "sickness" is not being managed effectively, and YOU are powerless to make those decisions for him. He has to proactively manage his health on his own.

 

Toward that end, I'd stop giving him reminders about his medication and whatnot. Let him know that you're not going to be doing that for him anymore....so if he elects to put himself in a diabetic coma for lack of attention to his illness, that's HIS choice. Tell him you'll be happy to dial 911 for him if you happen to notice that he's unconscious.

 

I would also recommend that you get into Individual Counseling. I think you could use some support. There shouldn't be ANY violence in your relationships. If that's coming from you....then YOU need to be the one to address it, same as he needs to address his issues.

 

IC will help you draw up personal boundaries in terms of how you allow other people to treat you. If you're having difficulty controlling your anger and lashing out at people....you're going to have difficulty as well in setting your boundaries. You'll be feeling bad about yourself for not being able to manage this, and when your self-esteem suffers you're much more likely to let people get away with treating you poorly. It becomes a vicious cycle.

 

Anyway, I'm all for MC (marriage counseling) when a couple is having difficulty in communication or in problem-solving issues together....but I think there's more at work here.

 

You don't seem to be defending yourself adaquately. It sounds more like you're being pushed to the point of "lashing out" in an angry way. You're not doing the most effective job of illiciting REAL change in the dynamics of the relationship. In IC, you'll get some specific guidance and support.

[cygny]

is he your husband or your boyfriend?

[seeking_a_life]

yeah i can completely understand how you feel. you don't want to abandon him if it's just because he's at a low point. You're loyal.

 

At some point though if its getting you down too much you've got to save yourself no matter what about him, ya know? don't let him drag your self-esteem down, that's too hard to recover from.

 

how would you know it if he was just using you?

 

Toooo loyal!

 

How would i know if he was just using me? um, i wish i knew for sure. like this morning his reaction to my asking if he wanted me to wake him. when he bit my head off like that i felt like his true colors were coming out. Another time just last week, he dozed off asleep and when he woke up we argued because I felt like he scowled at me. That's what I mean. I DON't Know for sure. Hence why when he accuses me of being "paranoid" I am second guessing myself.

 

maybe i should read that book, he's just that into you. hah, i bet buying it and bringing it home alone would be a good test. jk...

[seeking_a_life]

is he your husband or your boyfriend?

 

Boyfriend, which, see, poses the problem of how I have given way too much of myself and my love to him already. AND I he just gets all sorts of loyalty and devotion for NOTHING.

 

Because ironically everything LadyJane says still hits home for me in the situation, to how I feel about him in my heart, and how I feel it should be. I guess that's cuz I love him? Or that initially he said he did want to marry me...Or because at 38 years old I have still never been married and first had an 11 year relationship, which ended in nothing, then now a 5 year relationship I remain devoted to and still nothing....

 

 

I'm no professional, but.....yeah, his behavior sounds a bit "passive/aggressive" to me. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say he's likely suffering from some depression.

 

Like Jade said though...."he's a grown man". You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

 

I think that the compromise solution would be to give him a fairly clear choice. Either he gets a depression screening and follows through with treatment as needed. Or he get's his junk and gets out.

 

You should make certain that he has an ABSOLUTE understanding of the fact that you expect him to go back to work eventually. It's one thing to 'be there' for him and help him achieve his goals. It's another thing altogether if he doesn't have any goals to achieve. His health issues aren't disabling, and most diabetic people can live a very full, normal life if they're willing to MANAGE their diabetes. The same can be said for the Hep C.

 

If you put the 'ball in his court', it will be incumbant upon HIM to make the choice on if the marriage survives or not. He's not going to be able to turn all that back around on you. You gave him a clear and concise understanding of what is required for him to continue on in the role of Seeking_A_Life's husband.

 

Most likely you took the same vow that alot of us did...."in sickness, or in health", but that doesn't make you his mother. This guy is treating you like you are. You don't "owe him a living". Further, his "sickness" is not being managed effectively, and YOU are powerless to make those decisions for him. He has to proactively manage his health on his own.

 

Toward that end, I'd stop giving him reminders about his medication and whatnot. Let him know that you're not going to be doing that for him anymore....so if he elects to put himself in a diabetic coma for lack of attention to his illness, that's HIS choice. Tell him you'll be happy to dial 911 for him if you happen to notice that he's unconscious.

 

I would also recommend that you get into Individual Counseling. I think you could use some support. There shouldn't be ANY violence in your relationships. If that's coming from you....then YOU need to be the one to address it, same as he needs to address his issues.

 

IC will help you draw up personal boundaries in terms of how you allow other people to treat you. If you're having difficulty controlling your anger and lashing out at people....you're going to have difficulty as well in setting your boundaries. You'll be feeling bad about yourself for not being able to manage this, and when your self-esteem suffers you're much more likely to let people get away with treating you poorly. It becomes a vicious cycle.

 

Anyway, I'm all for MC (marriage counseling) when a couple is having difficulty in communication or in problem-solving issues together....but I think there's more at work here.

 

You don't seem to be defending yourself adaquately. It sounds more like you're being pushed to the point of "lashing out" in an angry way. You're not doing the most effective job of illiciting REAL change in the dynamics of the relationship. In IC, you'll get some specific guidance and support.

Lady, I don't think I Am defending myself adequately. He has found the perfect weapon to get me to shut up. He calls me crazy, says that I am the angry one and he's sick of it. Then goes into how I will always be alone because of it. He is dangling the fact that I want to be married in front of me. Arg,,I'm getting so sad just thinking about it. I do need counseling. you are so right,...

[cygny]

Toooo loyal!

 

How would i know if he was just using me? um, i wish i knew for sure. like this morning his reaction to my asking if he wanted me to wake him. when he bit my head off like that i felt like his true colors were coming out. Another time just last week, he dozed off asleep and when he woke up we argued because I felt like he scowled at me. That's what I mean. I DON't Know for sure. Hence why when he accuses me of being "paranoid" I am second guessing myself.

 

maybe i should read that book, he's just that into you. hah, i bet buying it and bringing it home alone would be a good test. jk...

 

 

well ouch that must hurt when he is so cold to you, i could see why you think he might be pushing you away. it's not very loving or kind or even appreciative.

 

i read that book myself btw. it sure did make me stop making excuses for guys. and trust my own instincts more.

[Ladyjane14]

He calls me crazy, says that I am the angry one and he's sick of it. Then goes into how I will always be alone because of it. He is dangling the fact that I want to be married in front of me. Arg,,I'm getting so sad just thinking about it. I do need counseling. you are so right,...

 

Those are really hurtful things to say to someone you're supposedly in love with. If he talks to you like that frequently, it's no wonder that you're feeling frustrated and down.

 

I hope you follow through with IC. You'll learn methods of counteracting this kind of negativity. And you'll feel ALOT more confident in terms of your own self-value. Whatever happens, you'll be better able to cope with your situation. You might salvage the relationship, or you might determine that it's irrevokably toxic and find the means to walk away. Who knows?

 

Once your feeling good about yourself again though, you're going to benefit either way.

[whichwayisup]

If I ask him what time his insulin shot is, he bites my head off for not knowing and I will never respect that he needs to take his shot at a certain time. If I try to remind him it's time for him to take his shot or ask him what time he needs to wake up he says I am obsessed. Why is he screwing with my head like this????

 

I will continue reading this thread, but I had to just say this first...His health issues are his responsibility. Yes, you can help but it is up to HIM to take care of himself! He seems to have reverted back to a child and acts like his ass needs wiping. The relationship has a very "parent-child" feel to it and it's not healthy for either of you.

[whichwayisup]

I am just so confused why he is blaming me for everything. I feel like he is taking his health conditions out on me and I feel that he blames every horrible thing in his life on me.

 

Yes that is exactly what he is doing and shows to me that he NEEDS some therapy or something. He is projecting his own frustration about his life on you and making you feel like crap. He continues to do this and honestly I don't know how you put up with it.

 

He acts like child, treat him like one. As soon as he gets pissy with you, refuse to deal with him! Tell him when he can talk to you with some respect ONLY THEN will you talk to him! Then walk out of the room. He knows how to push your buttons and then you react. So, try your best NOT to react. Only you have control over your own reactions and what/how you talk to him.

[Merin]

I didn't read the entire thread... mostly because I'm hung over today and my eye's feel like they're on fire:eek:

 

However I did read the first post in it's entirety...

 

I don't have as much to say here (again... good God I need some more sleep and some tylenol) but I will say this...

 

You've said he comes from a background with the mind set possibley of "This is good enough" where you come from a background of "If you try hard you'll succeed" right? Well I myself come from a family who always insisted I try harder and do better... so I often find myself trying harder to "Fix" situations that are impossible to fix, YET I feel I MUST continue to try harder or do better in effort to succeed...

 

While I have no idea why your BF is a schmuck, is it possible that you keep trying harder to love him more, or provide him more with the idea that you'll somehow change him?

[seeking_a_life]

I will continue reading this thread, but I had to just say this first...His health issues are his responsibility. Yes, you can help but it is up to HIM to take care of himself! He seems to have reverted back to a child and acts like his ass needs wiping. The relationship has a very "parent-child" feel to it and it's not healthy for either of you.

 

That's so true, and if we skip over to what Merin mentions, that is probably why because I do feel like trying harder and harder to make ends meet, and make things work will jerk him into a realization that he has given up on life and needs to reciprocate the effort. Believe me, he eats it up, all that effort I mean. He doesn't eat when I'm at home and if he does it's crap. He can't do much to remedy his health because his insurance and financial resources are inadequate. He had even brough his idiosyncrasies straight to the doctor's face and starts full on arguments with his doctors to the point where the last strain of doctors requested he transfer.

 

Yes that is exactly what he is doing and shows to me that he NEEDS some therapy or something. He is projecting his own frustration about his life on you and making you feel like crap. He continues to do this and honestly I don't know how you put up with it.

 

He acts like child, treat him like one. As soon as he gets pissy with you, refuse to deal with him! Tell him when he can talk to you with some respect ONLY THEN will you talk to him! Then walk out of the room. He knows how to push your buttons and then you react. So, try your best NOT to react. Only you have control over your own reactions and what/how you talk to him.

he does need therapy desperately. i swear, to my dismay and sadness that i don't really think he is 100% sound in mind and i keep trying to believe he is but that unfortunately is the one thing my intuition seems to be steady-in. it keeps saying his illness is affecting him.

 

As for handling him, I know I should probably not lose it, and control myself but a) i had my own issues before we hooked-up that i had already acknowledged (yes in therapy even) b) he knows me so well and it's like he knows what i'm seeking from him and so he dishes just enough of that out to lure me in and then springs his selfish psychosis on me spontaneously. or that's sure how the dynamic looks to me nowadays.

 

You've said he comes from a background with the mind set possibley of "This is good enough" where you come from a background of "If you try hard you'll succeed" right? Well I myself come from a family who always insisted I try harder and do better... so I often find myself trying harder to "Fix" situations that are impossible to fix, YET I feel I MUST continue to try harder or do better in effort to succeed...

 

While I have no idea why your BF is a schmuck, is it possible that you keep trying harder to love him more, or provide him more with the idea that you'll somehow change him?

 

merin, i never really thought of it as trying to change him mainly because i had hooked up with him seeing a different guy. i thought he was a survivor, with a good heart, hard working, had integrity, so much different. and that image i had of him was one that in my eyes he had earned during a 20 year friendship. we were together as kids and then after we each went our own ways but stayed friends through it all we hooked up in our 30s. how could i have known he would turn out to be like he is now? and he says he is what he is now because of me and my anger. he even says that he isn't working because of me and my anger. god again, it hurts.

 

------------------------

tonight we were supposed to attend a wedding. an old friend. ones that knew us in the old days. it would have been the first time he'd seen any of them. probably since 1992 or something. he bitched all day, then when it was time to leave he lagged, started arguing and accusing me of being a horrible byatch for making him go. anyway we did drive to the place but i turned back. i couldn't face everyone knowing that he was willing to complain and accuse and blame me all day long all the way to the event.

 

we have basically discussed breaking up and he says he hasn't put the effort in because "how can he love someone who berates him" even though when it comes time to pay the bills in his name, or the rent or have breakfast made to his liking he eats it all up.

 

i've been used. and he has been doing it intentionally and i feel like a stupid pathetic chump who will now be 38 and lost another 5 years devoted to someone who left me in the cold. i guess it is very much me too. he even says over and over that no one will ever marry me.

 

he has asked that I write the 30 day notice and terminate this "agreement" that HE will not do it. that I should do it because "i'm the one with all the complaints". so essentially he was pushing me away intentionally and now it is up to me to terminate this even though HE has nowhere to go and not a cent to his name.

 

i'm hurt about it all. I really did and even now do still love him. he says he stopped loving me when he realized i was an angry persoon. how mean can anyone be....

[whichwayisup]

i'm hurt about it all. I really did and even now do still love him. he says he stopped loving me when he realized i was an angry persoon. how mean can anyone be....

 

he even says that he isn't working because of me and my anger. god again, it hurts.

 

Then end it. If he has told you how he feels and both of you are unhappy, maybe it is time to walk away. Sometimes just loving someone isn't enough.

 

You can't keep on going this way, he ruined a wonderful evening out at a wedding because HE didn't feel like going...So, he manipulated you, made you feel like s***, until you felt guilty enough to turn around...That sucks and he should be ashamed of himself. f***, I would have thrown money at him and said "have a fun cab ride home then, I'm going to the wedding. I'll tell them all you weren't feeling well." End of story. He IS mean and honestly I don't think he is showing ANY respect for you whatsoever.

 

Also, where is his family? Other friends? He MUST have some place to go, that isn't your problem when it ends. He's a big boy and maybe he'll grow up, face the music, get help and better himself. I don't know. He is a mess though and it's affecting you and spilling into your life, becoming all your problem...It's like he is waiting for you to fix his life. You can't do that, only he can.

[seeking_a_life]

Then end it. If he has told you how he feels and both of you are unhappy, maybe it is time to walk away. Sometimes just loving someone isn't enough.

 

You can't keep on going this way, he ruined a wonderful evening out at a wedding because HE didn't feel like going...So, he manipulated you, made you feel like s***, until you felt guilty enough to turn around...That sucks and he should be ashamed of himself. f***, I would have thrown money at him and said "have a fun cab ride home then, I'm going to the wedding. I'll tell them all you weren't feeling well." End of story. He IS mean and honestly I don't think he is showing ANY respect for you whatsoever.

 

Also, where is his family? Other friends? He MUST have some place to go, that isn't your problem when it ends. He's a big boy and maybe he'll grow up, face the music, get help and better himself. I don't know. He is a mess though and it's affecting you and spilling into your life, becoming all your problem...It's like he is waiting for you to fix his life. You can't do that, only he can.

 

 

it still hurts too much. and him making me do everything, he knows it. about his family he burned an important bridge with is mom just last month. he's a maniac with everyone in his life. not violently but emotionally. it's horribe and i'm wathcing it all go down and worrying about him while he craps on me.

 

thank you, btw, whichwayis up. <3

 

(i wrote a response before this but i took too long and didn't save it first )

[seeking_a_life]

f***, I would have thrown money at him and said "have a fun cab ride home then, I'm going to the wedding. I'll tell them all you weren't feeling well." End of story. He IS mean and honestly I don't think he is showing ANY respect for you whatsoever.

 

Also, where is his family? Other friends? He MUST have some place to go, that isn't your problem when it ends. He's a big boy and maybe he'll grow up, face the music, get help and better himself. I don't know. He is a mess though and it's affecting you and spilling into your life, becoming all your problem...It's like he is waiting for you to fix his life. You can't do that, only he can.

 

I do have to admit he asked me why i couldn't go without him. but i wanted him to go. any invitation i get with him included (which is all because my friends are gracious that way) he takes as an insult but sometimes i can tell he is fishing for coaxing. anyway this time i did not want to go alone because not only was it a wedding but one where my ego walking in alone didn't feel up to it. i didn't want to be the lone wolf girl. codependant and pathetic i know but the sheer truth, and a hang-up i am doubting i'll ever shed

[cygny]

his comments that he would NEVER work for you etc---lots of anger and resentment in him too. Don't let him put it all on you. You are not the only guilty one. He's laying lots of blame on you, maybe all of it. Does he take any responsibility for his own anger and what he's done in the relationship?. Regardless of who started it now your relationship is bad. Pretty hard to pull it out of a tailspin when he doesn't want to cooperate. Impossible, in fact. Where can this relationship go unless HE wants to improve it, too? Nowhere but down into the ground. He's pulling you down...

[seeking_a_life]

his comments that he would NEVER work for you etc---lots of anger and resentment in him too. Don't let him put it all on you. You are not the only guilty one. He's laying lots of blame on you, maybe all of it. Does he take any responsibility for his own anger and what he's done in the relationship?.

 

No he doesn't take even a smidgeon of responsiblity. in fact that is the basis for 98% of our demise. i have even said (as an example), "look, i'm sorry i [screamed, cried, expected ____ , forgot____, called you _____, etc] but it does take 2, and it's not fair you blame me for all of it" most of my "berating" is that he could JUST take his 50% and stop blaming me.

 

anyway, i am hearing what you guys are saying but is just hurting so much still.

i am going to have to sit there and write the apartment termination, and make all the arrangements for us to end this home. it's alot. the denial is so much easier sometimes. i wanted us to work. i believe in him in the beginning. i believed in US.

 

and btw, he is now asleep, but about 10 minutes ago he came hovering over my shoulder and making fun of me for being on this site. and he said, "ugh, loveshack....shouldnt you be typing the letter to [management company]?"

 

i mean is that what i need to do everyone? just DO IT? meaning right this minute, write the 30 day notice, terminate our living together and terminate it all?