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How much time do you need together to feel good about relationship?


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Marriagebuilders indicates that it's important for couples to spend at least 15 hrs/wk in just us time. Movies and TV don't count, only time spent actively engaging in the relationship in a way that's nurturing of the relationship. I'm trying to figure out how this is this possible with children and two people working, yet know I probably do need about this much time in order to keep the marriage happy and that many of our problems are founded in feeling like my husband doesn't make me a priority in his schedule--like I get scraps from his time table. :(

 

How much good us time do you need to spend with your SO in order for you to feel good about the relationship?

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portableversion

i think activities as a family counts as 'us' time...because let's face it, its not just about 'us', it's about the family the married couple has created. I enjoy being a parent, as does my husband. We enjoy being parents together, and spending time playing with our son. IT's most certainly 'us' time

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Marriagebuilders indicates that it's important for couples to spend at least 15 hrs/wk in just us time.

 

Hell that is just a tad over 2 hours per day........ so if you have sex once a day then you only need to spend another hour and 57 minutes with your spouse per day? :p

 

a4a

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we spend lots of time together and we both work in separate jobs and have our own activities. WE take trips whenever we can, which is often. We go to sleep together every night, we talk about eachothers day, every day. We even car pool to work at times to catch up on eachother. its a beautiful thing. I think I spend 40 hours a week with him.. + have a life outside of the relationship. He is always welcome to come with me wherever I go and vice versa. Its easy to do when you really want to be with you SO

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HMMM

 

In the 95 days we have been together:

In the first couple weeks we would see each other every evening.

 

Now the lack of sleep is catching up on me. I have expressed to him that the late nights are getting to me. So now we see each other 2 evenings a week and then we spend all Friday night together, Saturday I usually leave his place around 2-3 in the afternoon and go home and spend time there doing my housework and with my son if he gives me any time. Then I head back out around 9pm to his place, Sunday I head home around 2-3 pm again and then I stay home because I have to work Monday morning.

 

My son has no time for me anymore so I have a lot of free time. He could care less if I am home or not. He doesn't spend any time with me. His time is spent on TV. PS2, and his best friend who lives downstairs.. As long as he has food, his entertainment and a phone to reach me he told me he doesn't want to hang out with his mom

 

So I now have more free time to fullfill my desires

My significant other calls me and asks me if I am up to meeting up with him almost every evening. He would still see me every night if I accepted. His work hours aren't on demand like mine.

 

I believe we spend more then 15 hours a week together by far...:bunny:

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Couples should obviously spend time together, but just because a website says 15 hours doesn't mean that 16 is too clingy or that 14 just doesn't cut it. What I'm saying is, don't get hung up on the numbers.

 

It's the time - and also the feeling - between the two of you. I think spending time with a spouse and child together IS "Us Time." And of course, "Alone Time" is something completely different. But it all counts as time to connect with each other.

 

I would count TV Time as family time - as long as everyone is aware that there is another person in the room. My ex used to sit in front of the TV and completely zone everyone else out. I'd have to say his name three times before he even realized that I was still there! It was just the opposite with my son. When I'd watch TV with my son, we would still talk to each other and be aware of each other.

 

It's important to have family dinners together and it's important to ask your spouse his/her opinion about purchases or bill paying. Both people need to feel involved and feel valued.

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Couples should obviously spend time together, but just because a website says 15 hours doesn't mean that 16 is too clingy or that 14 just doesn't cut it. What I'm saying is, don't get hung up on the numbers.

 

It's the time - and also the feeling - between the two of you. I think spending time with a spouse and child together IS "Us Time." And of course, "Alone Time" is something completely different. But it all counts as time to connect with each other.

 

I would count TV Time as family time - as long as everyone is aware that there is another person in the room. My ex used to sit in front of the TV and completely zone everyone else out. I'd have to say his name three times before he even realized that I was still there! It was just the opposite with my son. When I'd watch TV with my son, we would still talk to each other and be aware of each other.

 

It's important to have family dinners together and it's important to ask your spouse his/her opinion about purchases or bill paying. Both people need to feel involved and feel valued.

 

An excellent post, LH. I cannot agree any more. :)

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Couples should obviously spend time together, but just because a website says 15 hours doesn't mean that 16 is too clingy or that 14 just doesn't cut it. What I'm saying is, don't get hung up on the numbers.

 

It's the time - and also the feeling - between the two of you.

 

Agree, LH. The numbers are nonetheless helpful to me because it's obvious when he spends nearly every night away at some meeting and is zoned out most of the time he's here (whether in front of TV or not) that it hurts relationality. When he read 15 hrs./week on marriagebuilders, though, something clicked for him. Here was something quantifiable that he could do. I'm thinking with a4a, duh! no brainer--sex and talk and you're pretty much covered. It never seemed to occur to him that in order to have a good marriage you had to spend real couple time together, and this astounded me.

 

It's interesting to me that some of you count children time. I couldn't. Our children are so demanding that my husband and I can rarely connect when they're around.

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Great Post LH- you know you and I have so much in common with our ex's anyway, lol.

 

My husband works two jobs because he is a teacher and we're trying to get out of debt. He works three nights a week usually 5- close. That gives us two weeknights to devote to each other and the kids and the weekends Saturday and Sundays only. He still manages to call, and spend wayyyyy more time with me than my exhusband did. When we watch TV we're usually snuggled up together and when my ex watched, he was like LH's ex. BIG DIFFERENCE!

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When he read 15 hrs./week on marriagebuilders, though, something clicked for him. Here was something quantifiable that he could do.
Hmm . . . point taken. Different people have different ways of understanding things. And we all know that men and women think differently. Men tend to compartmentalize things, so it does make sense that the number may make him notice (or get the point) more than a qualitative statement. I hope he doesn't look at his watch, though, and when 15 hours is up, look at you and say, "Okay, I've put in my time."

 

Mz Pixie: Yep, we are very similar. I read one of your posts last week and was going to point that out again, but I figured you and everyone else would get tired of me saying, "Hey, I can relate." LOL I still often wonder if we were both married to the same guy who lived a double life. Naw . . . my ex still can't walk and chew gum . . . with his mouth closed. :lmao:

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When we watch TV we're usually snuggled up together and when my ex watched, he was like LH's ex. BIG DIFFERENCE!

 

Agree! Reading the 15 hrs./week thing was like a wake-up call for why we experiencing trouble in our marriage, though. So we tried it.

 

And we agreed we wanted to go see a movie anyway.:D Of course, it's what works for each couple, and no,:laugh: , he doesn't sit and watch the clock. :laugh:

 

But it's made us realize how easy it is to let life come between you if you're not careful to schedule the time in for one another and you both live full lives with children.

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Couples should obviously spend time together, but just because a website says 15 hours doesn't mean that 16 is too clingy or that 14 just doesn't cut it. What I'm saying is, don't get hung up on the numbers.

 

It's the time - and also the feeling - between the two of you. I think spending time with a spouse and child together IS "Us Time." And of course, "Alone Time" is something completely different. But it all counts as time to connect with each other.

 

I would count TV Time as family time - as long as everyone is aware that there is another person in the room. My ex used to sit in front of the TV and completely zone everyone else out. I'd have to say his name three times before he even realized that I was still there! It was just the opposite with my son. When I'd watch TV with my son, we would still talk to each other and be aware of each other.

 

It's important to have family dinners together and it's important to ask your spouse his/her opinion about purchases or bill paying. Both people need to feel involved and feel valued.

 

Nicely put!

 

As long as both feel their needs are being met and are happy, the time together just happens naturally.

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As long as both feel their needs are being met and are happy, the time together just happens naturally.

 

Then my husband ain't happy and would rather be elsewhere.:(

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It's not quantity but quality. When you actually forward to seeing the person you love that is a sign of a healthy relationship. You should just naturally love to spend time with them instead of forcing it.

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But it's made us realize how easy it is to let life come between you if you're not careful to schedule the time in for one another and you both live full lives with children.

 

So true... I wonder what point at which people suddenly forget that being in a relationship is about spending quality time with the other person. I guess like you say life just takes over sometimes.

 

If you don't make time for each other you're bound to have trouble.

 

Fortunately my partner and I already have this down to pat. With us both working, and spending much of the weekends with his 18 mnth old son, we don't get a huge amount of time for just 'US'. We've learnt that we have to make that time together, otherwise we don't have the time to communicate and bound in ways that make us stronger and keep us together.

 

Great example is that we have his son all weekend this weekend (and his parents too) and then again next weekend we have his son all weekend. We haven't seen much of each other in the week, as we both have a lot on. So we've booked Monday off work to spend the day together relaxing, talking, being close. He knows that sometimes I need his full attention, and is willing to ensure I get that.

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LK, this is a good strategy. My husband would never initiate such a solution and be totally clueless as to why leftover time would be a problem.

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LK, this is a good strategy. My husband would never initiate such a solution and be totally clueless as to why leftover time would be a problem.

 

Yes I think I'm very fortunate that he is able to acknowledge that although I adore his son and love spending time with them both, that I sometimes need his full attention (and he mine in turn) so that we can have some time which is about 'us' as a couple, as well as time about 'us' as a (for want of a better term) 'merged' family.

 

Sounds like the marriage builders site is already helping though, and he seems to be making some moves towards giving you the time you need and deserve.

 

I hope it works for you! :)

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