nosex Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 I have been married to my wife for eight years im 30 shes 28 and we have a 5 year old daughter. she works I stay at home for now, I have been waiting for a job to start im hired but had to wait for a security clearance. i do all the housework take care of the kid, cook, i do everything except laundry. my problem is my wife wont have sex, wont show any affection at all, if I try to kiss her she turns her head. im good to her i treat her right but she nags and bitches at me if i dont do something exactly the way she likes it done. we actually went 5 years with no sex at all 5 years! all though i must say one year i was in Iraq but I came home for two weeks and she still wouldnt have sex with me or kiss me or sit with me or anything for that matter. about the only thing we do together is smoke cigarettes on the porch and sometimes when i go to loin her she yells at me to leave her alone. after i was finished with Iraq we had sex a few times things were great but now its back to no sex no affection just yelling and bitching. and I feel i havent done anything to warrant this abuse. she says its because she gained weight but i always tell her how much i love her and how beautiful she is. i think its because shes a control freak and she wants to control every aspect of the household because she cant control herself. someone please help me Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 You've got serious problems that merit serious attention. Something deeper is going on. Exactly what is she "bitching" about? She wants something from you that she's trying to tell you she needs that you don't seem to be hearing; all you hear is complaining, but not the complaint itself. You need to learn to listen to your wife. When a woman feels heard, she's much more likely to give you what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
boshemia Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Usually when a male friend asks me a question like that I tell them to stop trying to have sex... I know thats hard for a man, but we can feel your pressure. Sometimes I want to have sex with my husband, I really do but the way he approaches me turns me way off. I feel like I am just a vessel for his frustrations, and i need to know that he wants to be with me not just have sex. He's finally learning to stop trying to have sex with me when I resist and just love me. We've both been under a lot of pressure lately, we are trying to move as well as help three other people move and we are both exhausted... instead of approaching me he poured me a hot bath, crawled in with me and washed my hair... he didn't have to ask or pressure because I felt close to him... So stop trying to have sex, stop mentioning sex at all and just focus on loving her, if she does let you in don't blow it. She'll see right through you if you go straight for the sex parts, you know what I mean? Touch her everywhere BUT there, act like you are totally not interested in the parts of her body you usually go for and rub her feet, brush her hair... Also, she's turning away from you... something is on her mind. She has a wall up right now, I know that wall because i do it too. It sounds like she feels unsafe with you for some reason, insecure with your relationship... a woman needs security before she can really give herself to you. You are going to have to work double time to get that wall down, watch for it... it will come down a little at a time and a lot slower than you would like, but when she pulls away she is protecting herself, same with the bitchiness, she is keeping you at arms length for some reason... don't psuh her before the wall is totally down or she will resent it. Finally five years is a long time, not exactly normal to go that long you know? That would tell me that her wall is a little more serious than you had a fight, she may be hiding something really intense from you. It's common with victims of sexual abuse to shun sex totally, but it could be something else. Give her your support and make sure she knows you are there for her. counseling is highly recommended... Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Life is too short!!!!!!! GET OUT!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Get out. It will only get worse and it isn't worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted January 11, 2006 Share Posted January 11, 2006 Usually when a male friend asks me a question like that I tell them to stop trying to have sex... I know thats hard for a man, but we can feel your pressure. Sometimes I want to have sex with my husband, I really do but the way he approaches me turns me way off. I feel like I am just a vessel for his frustrations, and i need to know that he wants to be with me not just have sex. He's finally learning to stop trying to have sex with me when I resist and just love me. Good points. Also, she's turning away from you... something is on her mind . . . That would tell me that her wall is a little more serious than you had a fight, she may be hiding something really intense from you. It's common with victims of sexual abuse to shun sex totally, but it could be something else. Like an affair . . . Link to post Share on other sites
PATIENCEWITHYOURWIFE Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 I dont know about your situation, but ive been married 4 years, only 21 years old and have no interest in sex after having children. its not one problem with me but many. i feel ugly now. i feel like my body is my mothers body. he says he loves it, but everytime im engaging in sex, I CANT STOP THINKING, HOW NASTY MUST I LOOK RIGHT NOW? and that is enough to turn me off. also sex sometimes feels uncomfortable. I dont like to be touched anymore. it doesnt feel like it used to. it feels numb. I feel as if I am only important 10 minutes before and after sex. during the day i feel like i have to NAG AND BITCH just to get him to lift a finger for me throughout the day, or to spend time with me without immediately just wanting sex out of it. you start to feel like your purpose is to CONSTANTLY ACCOMIDATE EVERYONE ELSE. THE KIDS, THE WORK, THE DINNER, THE HUSBAND, THE CLEANING AND EVENTUALLY,......................................THE DEPPRESSION SETS IN. i want to be intimate with my husband. but my body and mind wont let go. I dont know why. but if you walk out on your wife now than it will be a cowardly thing to do. evaluate every day as a way that you can take pressure off of her mind. talk to her and hold her and love her but dont TRY AND HAVE SEX, OR GET ANGRY WHEN SHE JUST GOES TO SLEEP. eventually things will get better. suggest going to a doctor to check her hormone levels. my last peice of advice is this: NO ROMANTIC GESTURES CAN BE TAKEN AT FACE VALUE WHEN A WOMAN FEELS THEY ARE NOTHING TO YOU EXEPT A WAY TO GET SEX. IF SHE FEELS THAT THATS THE ONLY IMPORTANCE TO YOU, EVEN ABOVE HER FEELINGS AND NEEDS, THAN IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER. SHE WILL FEEL, " WHY SHOULD I GIVE HIM SEX WHEN I DONT FEEL LIKE IT, HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT MY NEEDS, NOBODY CARES ABOUT MY NEEDS. SO WHY ACCOMADATE HIS?" Link to post Share on other sites
boshemia Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 Yeah.. um i was trying to avoid pointing in that direction. However, since it was brought up. Yes it is a possibility, the first one I thought of when I read it. Hate to say it but have you considered the possibility? Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted January 12, 2006 Share Posted January 12, 2006 Patience's point of view is well taken, nosex. But geez, 5 years? This is crazy. Is someone getting some elsewhere? Why has this been ok with you for this long that you haven't sought help? Wait. You have a 5-year-old. Was she traumatized by childbirth? Many women feel like I did afterwards: "Ain't nobody going in our coming outta there for awhile." Now, awhile was about 2 months, not 5 years. As a woman, after you have kids, your body feel like an aircraft carrier having to take care of everyone else, as Patience so aptly expressed it. Get to a marriage counselor or a certified sex therapist. Something's very wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
tekqueen12722 Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Your wife not having sex with you is a symptom of a more serious problem. My husband stopped having sex with me after he went on high blood pressure medication. I knew that the meds caused this... I sat him down and told him to tell the doctor to change the meds. I explained to him that we are no longer like husband and wife; we are more like roommates. He resisted because he was too embarrassed to talk to the doctor. I told him that I would go with him. He didn't like that either. Marriage can be very tough and, in my opinion, there are a few benefits. My point is this, without the benefits, I'm gone! That said; I walked over to him with his luggage in one hand and the phone in the other. He chose the phone, called the doctor, meds were changed and life has been great! Now, sit her down, get to the core of the problem, if she says that she is too fat or whatever, that is her problem, tell her to fix it or move on... I know that may be drastic, but as Reddog63 said, "life is too short"! Link to post Share on other sites
Female Perspective Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 Hi there, I'm having some problems in my own marriage and came across your message. I don't know if this would help because obviously, I don't know you or your wife personally. My husband and I have gone without sex for extended periods because I wouldn't allow him to touch me either. One of the things I think people don't realize is that men and women have different needs. Women are wired to actually want to be loved and taken care of. I think that's sometimes why we kind of get controlling because we are trying to pull some of those things we need from the other person. Think back to when you fell in love and try to remember the things you did to impress upon your wife. Do you still do those things or have you comfortable considered them to be unimportant now because you are beyond that? Something to think about. Can I recommend a couple of books? Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is one. This book teaches you that everyone feels love through different experiences in their relationship. It makes sense when you read it. The other one is Every Man's Marriage (a Christian book)...sorry don't know the author. Anyway...just a woman's perspective. Women need to feel madly in love and needed and wanted in order to perform sexually. That's what makes it worthwhile...they can't just do it because the man wants to. I think a man can do it with a little less emotional requirement than a woman. When I have sex with my husband without really feeling loved by him in the ways that I define feeling loved, I feel a bit like I'm lowering my values and it feels like dirty and wrong rather than wonderful and exciting. I hope this makes sense. I hope it helps and I hope she comes around and you are happy again. I wish I could say to my husband what I just wrote to you and that he would actually hear what I'm saying...so maybe another man will listen and save his own marriage. Good luck to you and God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
Astarte Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 It's not just no sex, it's no love, no common language, no understanding, women not wanting sex are simply egoistic. Or frigid... It is a pain, as sex in a relationship is far, far more than just a f*ck. It is an utterly unhealthy, loveless situation - for the kid aswell. You can go on understanding and your life passes by, or you can move on, life IS too short. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 Are you still attractive to her? I know I stopped sleeping with one of my exes when he put on lots of weight and stopped caring about his appearance. Maybe you should try pulling away from HER. Got to the gym, get yourself all jacked up and manly looking, and then go out to the bars with your friends all the time. Trust me she'll get jealous and start sleeping with you again. People want what they can't have. Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 Five years is way too long to go without sex. This is a very serious issue. I think you two need to be in counseling to sort through what has broken down between you. Perhaps the transition from being a couple to being parents was very very difficult and since then, she hasn't felt attractive or sexy. Does she ever talk about this with you? Link to post Share on other sites
whyohwhy Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 Please find the book The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. You've got a serious marital problem and you need competent, compassionate advice that addresses all the possible causes and solutions. Just don't give up until you have TRULY put everything into a serious repair project for 1 year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nosex Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 Well, to try to answer your replys, I dont try to have sex with her I gave up long ago. I do try to just sit next to her and put my arm around her or something of that nature something like a first date approach. but its always the same response. " leave me the F@#K ALONE!" so i go upstairs and watch tv. but later she comes up to me smiling and happy and wants me to go outside and smoke a cig with her. total difference in attitudes. and when she bitches about everything she really has no reason to I cook, clean, give the kid baths, get the kid up and off to school, then pick her up from school. she dosent do anything to take care of her. i do everything but laundry. one example of something she bitched about that has no revelance to anything but her need to bitch and be in control. we have to sets of dishes and bowls one colored one white, I had the colored set of dishes and bowls on the middle shelf the white set on the bottom. later, when she went to get a dish she flew off the handle, cussing me "what the F#$K is this?!" so of course im totally lost and dont understand what her problem is because if I were her I would be so happy to have a husband to take every bit of stress of running a household of my shoulders. and to answer the question someone asked about my looks im not vain but im a damn good lookin guy brown hair, greenish brown eyes, 6'3" 210 lbs athletic build I have never had a problem in my single days pickin up a woman at a bar. she looks like sandra bullock but she has gained weight but she has always been chunky but I fell in love with her not her body. i still tell her shes beautiful and i really think she is i dont tell her to try to convince her of it. i tell her because while im looking at her I feel it then say it. i left the house earlier after a fight which she started and she just called me she says she needs to straighten herself out first. I hope so but still why wait 5 years? im not really looking for sex from her i just want to cuddle up and watch freakin movie or walk around the mall shopping and holding hands i want to do the same things like what a new couple does hold hands compliment each other that sorta thing after a few months then we can have sex. oh well maybe its just a dream. later Link to post Share on other sites
Milo Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 Hey, I feel for you man. Seriously. Good luck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts