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I'm a 32 year old guy and scared of marriage


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Hi all,

 

Im 32, succesful and independant. I've been dating a girl for 3 years (she is 25 and beginning her working career) and she wants to get married eventually.

 

She wants a commitment\agreement to marriage within 5 years from now. I cannot imagine life without her, but I literally feel 'scared' and i dont know why.

 

I have asked myself why, and the answers i get are:

 

A lot of resonsibility

A lot of pressure

A fear of getting sick of each other

A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world

 

I feel that life wont be 'fun' anymore. Whats wrong with me? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Rex

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portableversion

IF she is as wonderful as you say she is, some other guy will snatch her up and marry her away from you.

 

Marriage is more than a piece of paper BTW.

 

And if you don't want kids, get a vasectomy ASAP. They are cheap and pain free.

 

If she is going to devote her energy to you, then she deserves more than you are willing to give her.

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portableversion

your selfishness is astounding.

 

Basically, you are saying that all the 'fears' you have are all HER fault.

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IF she is as wonderful as you say she is, some other guy will snatch her up and marry her away from you.

 

Marriage is more than a piece of paper BTW.

 

And if you don't want kids, get a vasectomy ASAP. They are cheap and pain free.

 

If she is going to devote her energy to you, then she deserves more than you are willing to give her.

 

Definitely agree if she is that wonderful ,what is the problem with commitiing to a marriage with her? If you don't snatch her up someone and you will regret it.. It isn't like you are too young ,i think you just don't want to be tied down to one person!!!

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ReluctantRomeo
your selfishness is astounding.

 

Basically, you are saying that all the 'fears' you have are all HER fault.

 

Hey, back off a little. Rex specifically said "what's wrong with me?". We should at least give him the benefit of the doubt and start by assuming that he wants to face up to his issues.

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Quote portableversion

your selfishness is astounding.

 

Basically, you are saying that all the 'fears' you have are all HER fault

 

I totally disagree with this conclusion. Here are his reasons:

A lot of resonsibility

A lot of pressure

A fear of getting sick of each other

A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world

 

I feel that life wont be 'fun' anymore.

 

In no way blaming her.

 

But Rex, ol` buddy, it is decision time. Your gal is 25 and is thinking the real deal. You either have to put up or shut up and hit the road. No one can make that decision but you.

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ReluctantRomeo
She wants a commitment\agreement to marriage within 5 years from now. I cannot imagine life without her, but I literally feel 'scared' and i dont know why.

 

Well, I think anyone who takes commitment seriously will be a little apprehensive about marriage.

 

However, there seems to be more in your case. How do you cope with other long term commitments? How is/was your parents relationship?

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You should have a fear of marriage. She has a 75% percent chance of leaving you and if so you will get screwed in divorce court. Who can blame you. I don't know her but if she is truly sincere about loving you she will give you a prenup. marriage can be great with the right person but be careful.

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your selfishness is astounding.

 

Basically, you are saying that all the 'fears' you have are all HER fault.

 

I absolutely love it when the responses are all judgement-based and don't really offer any helpful advice. Ya really know people care when they do this...:lmao:

 

Anyways, your fears are not uncommon. Some people base their lifestyle on these convictions and choose to never marry or have children, and that's FINE.

 

What you need to examine is why you feel that this pathway isn't right for you, and you need to be with someone who feels the same way, right? That's only fair...

 

A lot of resonsibility

 

How would this be different in marriage? Do you feel you would be responsible for her welfare? Is she not responsible for herself?

 

A lot of pressure

 

Pressure to do what, exactly? How is this different when you are in a longterm commited relationship outside of marriage?

 

A fear of getting sick of each other

 

How is this different in a LTR (longterm relationship)?

 

A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world

 

Do you have to have children if you're married? Have you considered that you might help make a person who could do something positive in this horrible world?

 

I've been married and divorced. I don't think I'll get married again and that is my personal choice. I'm happy with it at this point, and I'm flexible and may change my mind later on...but I think the issue is why you lack confidence in your convictions, or perhaps this isn't a conviction?

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She wants a commitment\agreement to marriage within 5 years from now. I cannot imagine life without her, but I literally feel 'scared' and i dont know why.

Dude, I'd be much more worried if you were not scared of marriage.

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Rex, you have every right to be scared. But, think of it this way... how would your life be without her? Would you be happy and be able to continue on with out her? Something to think about if anything.

 

Everything in our lives is responsibility, pressure, committment. So, what's wrong with adding another to the pile?

 

As far as "getting sick of eachother".. I felt that way too before I moved in with my b/f.. I was scared to death to even make that move, finally did and its the best thing I've ever done... we are so much happier now and our relationship is growing even more so.

 

Now, your 32 you said? Her 25.. that's 7 years difference. I am 28, guy is 36.. same age.. and I am happy just being with him, if marriage happens, it happens, if not.. does not mean my love for him is any different.. the choice is all yours, I suppoirt you either way!

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A lot of resonsibility

A lot of pressure

A fear of getting sick of each other

A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world

 

It is a lot of responsibility, but no more so then a committed long term relationship. You've been with her for 3 years already, I'm assuming the two of you have worked out bill payments, buying big ticket items, and general household duties. There isn't much more responsibility than a long term relationship. In fact, it's a bit of a let down after the marriage ceremony and hoopla. You think it's all going to change, somehow it'll be different and..... nothing. It's the same as it was the day before except you just had a big party and now you're broke.

 

Pressure: I think there's actually more pressure before marriage. Each individual knows that they can dissolve the relationship at any time. In marriage you have a bit more of hassle getting out. (Maybe that is where you are feeling the "pressure". Worried about if it doesn't work out, and the added hassle of getting out.) I didn't feel more pressure after or before marriage. It was the same... it was still work, still compromise... Actually, I think I felt more pressure before marriage... only because all your friends bug you, your family bugs you about it... people ask all the dang time "so.. when you getting married?" After you get married, people stop pressuring about that.

 

If you aren't sick of her yet... then marriage won't change that. The only reason you could get sick of her in the future is if one, or both of you change, and the other isn't changing in the same direction. People can grow apart, instead of together, and that's when you become "sick of each other". But that will happen in marriage or out of marriage. The marriage doesn't change the likelihood of it happening, or not happening.

 

Kids: Bundles of joy from what I hear.... but after my brother described in detail how my little niece didn't make it into the bathroom in time, and he had to clean up diarrhea off the carpeted stairs.... I'll admire from afar. :D

 

Unfortunately, marriage doesn't change anything. Not a thing. If you're happy together, get along, and both are working hard for the relationship, then it will be great. Assuming the both of you continue that way. It breaks down when one person becomes lazy, or both.

 

Pre-nup is a great idea too. If I hadn't been a woman, I would've lost everything I'd entered the marriage with. ExH didn't have squat when he came in... but left a hell of a lot richer. I got to keep the things I had inherited. :rolleyes:

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Hi all,

 

Im 32, succesful and independant. I've been dating a girl for 3 years (she is 25 and beginning her working career) and she wants to get married eventually.

 

She wants a commitment\agreement to marriage within 5 years from now. I cannot imagine life without her, but I literally feel 'scared' and i dont know why.

 

I have asked myself why, and the answers i get are:

 

A lot of resonsibility

A lot of pressure

A fear of getting sick of each other

A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world

 

I feel that life wont be 'fun' anymore. Whats wrong with me? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Rex

 

Amazing. The terrible advice, like the one jem of wisdom that was saying that you're selfish came from a woman. Incredible.

 

Rex, Marriage and kids ARE a lot of responsibility, and you WILL at get sick of her, and this world is a mess, and life will NOT be as much fun. It is inevitable. Familiarity breeds complacency which breeds LACK OF EXCITEMENT.

 

All your concerns are valid. As far as the selfish comment from the idiot who posted it, is he "Selfish" for actually wanting to be happy? It's dogmatic idiots who can't think on their own that give marriage a bad name.

 

Kids are exhausting, and physical attraction decreases over time. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. My advice? Get married when you are ABSOLUTELY certain, maybe when you're 40. Go to the gym, eat right, don't smoke, maintain your health and enjoy life.

 

Oh, and for the other non-thinker, if you "get sick of each other" in marriage you're screwed. The male is ALWAYS screwed legally, and God forbid you have kids. If you are in a long term relationship (NOT marriage) and things get boring you can split.

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ladyinwaiting
The male is ALWAYS screwed legally, and God forbid you have kids. If you are in a long term relationship (NOT marriage) and things get boring you can split.

 

Well, that depends...

 

I earn well over twice what my husband does, and I have a house/mortgage while he has diddly squat. It's not his fault - he chose the public minded occupation and I went for the money, which is ironically enough the reverse of just about every other couple in our circle. If, shudder, we divorce, even if I don't have to pay palimony (unlikely, in this jurisdiction), I will still loose the house. But, you know, so what? Life and marriage are about risk and taking a chance of someone, and handing over the prenup to my fiance with his evening cuppa is just ridiculous and mean spirited and utterly selfish. How dare I assume the right to walk away with everything after committing to him? What has society come to that we now expect divorce and disclaim all responsibility for the person we swore to love forever?

 

I should say, I feel differently about prenups for second marriages between people with kids – then it's about ensuring your kids are looked after, and they should come first. Even if you want to prove your love to your next seetiw, you've got responsibilities that trump that. But for first marriages? If someone handed me a prenup, I'd leave, cause clearly he's only in it for the good times, and that's not marriage.

 

But to comment on the actual topic: I think being scared is only sensible. It's a big, big life choice, and not something you can back out of easily. You sound happy, contented, why would you want anything to change? However, you need to respect your girl's wishes, too. If she wants marriage and you don't, and you can't reconcile yourself to it, then you'll have to accept that the two of you have different goals, and she has a right to move on. Ultimately, which is scarier – committing to her, or loosing her?

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Devils Advocate
Hi all,

 

Im 32, succesful and independant. I've been dating a girl for 3 years (she is 25 and beginning her working career) and she wants to get married eventually.

 

She wants a commitment\agreement to marriage within 5 years from now. I cannot imagine life without her, but I literally feel 'scared' and i dont know why.

 

I have asked myself why, and the answers i get are:

 

A lot of resonsibility

A lot of pressure

A fear of getting sick of each other

A fear of having children and bringing them into this horrible world

 

I feel that life wont be 'fun' anymore. Whats wrong with me? Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Rex

 

Well Hello Rex and welcome to the jungle.

You will and have recieved a great deal of advice and abuse for stating your feelings here let it wash over you but pay attention to what and who gives it to you. Your feelings and worries are perfectly justified and I would recommend you be even more concerned than you already are.

Let me recap the major points first and then supply a bit more information.

 

A). You are a successful, established, older man with plenty of material assets and no existing drains on your livelihood (ex-wife, children, etc.).

 

B). She is a 20-something under-employed woman who is starting to put demands and ultimatums on you.

 

She has nothing other than her looks, sex appeal and dubious emotional support to offer to a marriage which means YOU will be responsible for everything that the marriage needs, ie whatever she wants.

She has a plan for her future and you (your wallet I mean) are how she intends to pay for it. Now I'm not saying she's a gold-digger but merely doing what women do, try to get the best deal for themselves that they can by using what she has, her looks and emotional blackmail and that's what that ultimatum is.

 

My advice to you is to do exactly the same thing she is, try to get the best deal for yourself by using what you have, your money and power. At your age and position in life women are the least of your worries, if this one leaves you can replace her in an afternoon with a younger, prettier, more pleasant model and she needs to know that. If you want to keep her do so but let her know that it will be on your terms and when you are ready ultimatums and demands will result in her being replaced.

 

Marriage is a poor deal for you (and nearly every american man) simply because you aren't recieveing anywhere near an equivalent return on investment against the risks you are taking. Marriage is no longer the gateway to sex (which you're getting now), emotional intimacy (which you're getting now) or financial security (which you have now)that it once was nor is it a guarantee of monogamy, paternal certainty or zero risk of STD's. Marriage is merely a legally binding (on you not her) agreement to financially provide for the other (you for her for as long as she chooses) and any children that result (again you pay for them since you'll never get custody) from this union.

 

Continue doing what you are doing, date and socialize as you choose and exult in the freedom of choice you currently enjoy, and if she won't accept that the next one will.

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He sounds pretty bitter and toxic. You gave very limited information about your situation and lots of people are reading a whole lot more into it.

 

32 is not all that old. You can't call someone "older and successful" until they are over 40 and really have lived a lot more of life. Some of the most immature guys I ever met are 35 or less.

 

All the things you are scared of won't mean anything once you meet the right one. She may not be the love of your life.

 

But she does sound pretty together for 25 and at least she's sure about what she wants in life. I give her credit for putting out there. She's giving you the choice. She doesn't want to be one of those women freaking out at 39 years old beacuse their "biological clocks" are keeping them up at night.

 

So if she needs an answer NOW, tell her you aren't ready. If that's not good enough, then she should keep moving.

 

Gold digging? Ridiculous charge. I havent met too many 32 year old guys who are millionaires at this point and I work with highly successful people in a very large city.

 

In the next five years most of your buddies will likely be getting married too, it's likely you have been getting a good a number of wedding inviations over the past few years. So if you aren't ready today, you might be in a few years.

 

Your life could change in an instant and life works that way frequently. The definition of "fun" changes over time and it is fun to be in a relationship with a compatible person. These things just don't happen. You make them happen, you keep it fun, you decide what your life looks like everyday.

 

You have a lot more control over your future than you think. Marriage becomes a drag when people stop working at it, stop treating each other with kindness and respect, stop thinking they have to do anything to keep it interesting. You could be a boring single guy too, marriage isn't the reason. People often get lazy and take the other person for granted and that's why a lot of marriages are crappy.

 

Good Luck and dont listen to negativity, that's what scared you in the first place!

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rex, I think otter and rex raise the best issues in response to your post.

 

I've been married 13 years, and with my husband a couple years more than that, and I'd be lying to you if I told you that I wasn't troubled by doubt even after we tied the knot. I think it all has to do with a sense of knowing exactly what situation we're in and being able to handle it, then finding out the parameters or the scene or something about it is going to change. Because I don't think anybody embraces change without at least stamping their feet in denial :p

 

I remember a conversation I had with my mom when my parents paid off the 30-year note on the house they bought when I was a baby. She said that she had to fight my daddy tooth and nail over getting the house, and that she finally brought home the papers and told him to sign, she'd handle the rest of it. Mind you, my dad is very good about staying on top of things, but I think the idea of getting into that big of a commitment just scared him half to death (and this was the man who'd fathered six kids, so he understood responsibility). A lot of it had to do with the idea of change, mom said; that once my dad grew accustomed to owning a house, you'd have thought it was HIS idea to buy the damned thing!

 

we're all like that to some degree, though I think women tend to express their hopes more openly about a future with the man they love. Marriage is a scary thing, not unlike riding a rollercoaster ride filled with dips and twists. But, like that rollercoaster, it can be an exhiliarating thing, too. It's very normal to worry about kids and the future and maybe getting bored with each other. The key is to take it day by day, and to feed that relationship so that it grows as you grow. The thought that you're stuck with the same old person for years on end is fallacious, in my opinion, because every day you're with that person, you still learn something about them you didn't know before. After a couple of years, after a dozen years, after 50 years you still find something exciting there ....

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rex, I think otter and alpha raise the best issues in response to your post.

 

I've been married 13 years, and with my husband a couple years more than that, and I'd be lying to you if I told you that I wasn't troubled by doubt even after we tied the knot. I think it all has to do with a sense of knowing exactly what situation we're in and being able to handle it, then finding out the parameters or the scene or something about it is going to change. Because I don't think anybody embraces change without at least stamping their feet in denial :p

 

I remember a conversation I had with my mom when my parents paid off the 30-year note on the house they bought when I was a baby. She said that she had to fight my daddy tooth and nail over getting the house, and that she finally brought home the papers and told him to sign, she'd handle the rest of it. Mind you, my dad is very good about staying on top of things, but I think the idea of getting into that big of a commitment just scared him half to death (and this was the man who'd fathered six kids, so he understood responsibility). A lot of it had to do with the idea of change, mom said; that once my dad grew accustomed to owning a house, you'd have thought it was HIS idea to buy the damned thing!

 

we're all like that to some degree, though I think women tend to express their hopes more openly about a future with the man they love. Marriage is a scary thing, not unlike riding a rollercoaster ride filled with dips and twists. But, like that rollercoaster, it can be an exhiliarating thing, too. It's very normal to worry about kids and the future and maybe getting bored with each other. The key is to take it day by day, and to feed that relationship so that it grows as you grow. The thought that you're stuck with the same old person for years on end is fallacious, in my opinion, because every day you're with that person, you still learn something about them you didn't know before. After a couple of years, after a dozen years, after 50 years you still find something exciting there ....

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clandestinidad

I couldnt finish reading the posts after I read this:

 

She is a 20-something under-employed woman who is starting to put demands and ultimatums on you.

 

She has nothing other than her looks, sex appeal and dubious emotional support to offer to a marriage which means YOU will be responsible for everything that the marriage needs, ie whatever she wants.

She has a plan for her future and you (your wallet I mean) are how she intends to pay for it. Now I'm not saying she's a gold-digger but merely doing what women do, try to get the best deal for themselves that they can by using what she has, her looks and emotional blackmail and that's what that ultimatum is.

 

Who the hell are YOU to try to get inside the mind of someone else and say what her motives are?!

 

I will be 25 in June, and have my own opinions about marriage since I've briefly done it and arent sure about doing it again. I am career-driven, with ambition, goals, independance, self-reliance, strong-willed, and DETERMINED to never rely on someone else for my monetary needs/wants!!

 

For someone to come on here and try to say that 25 yr old women are using their youth and looks and what-not to take some guys money is disgusting!! Sure, some people might be awful enough to do that, but he has no idea who this girl is, and has NO basis for those comments

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Devils Advocate

the women on the forum have risen up to scream bloody murder at my presumption of her motives and applied their own actions as a defense.

 

 

Who the hell are YOU to try to get inside the mind of someone else and say what her motives are?!

 

I will be 25 in June, and have my own opinions about marriage since I've briefly done it and arent sure about doing it again. I am career-driven, with ambition, goals, independance, self-reliance, strong-willed, and DETERMINED to never rely on someone else for my monetary needs/wants!!

 

For someone to come on here and try to say that 25 yr old women are using their youth and looks and what-not to take some guys money is disgusting!! Sure, some people might be awful enough to do that, but he has no idea who this girl is, and has NO basis for those comments

 

Once you have finished your hysterical ranting and stop personalizing any and every comment you will (hopefully) realize my comments were directed at one individual based entirely upon the information presented. Your vaulted list of personal accomplishments, abilities and future plans are laudable if someone is looking for a business manager but has no relevance what so ever to the discussion.

 

This is a discussion entirely focused on one MAN'S situation and his search for information and guidance. Your personal history or expectations are irrelavant unless you have experienced the male side of marriage.

 

 

He sounds pretty bitter and toxic. You gave very limited information about your situation and lots of people are reading a whole lot more into it.

 

32 is not all that old. You can't call someone "older and successful" until they are over 40 and really have lived a lot more of life. Some of the most immature guys I ever met are 35 or less.

 

All the things you are scared of won't mean anything once you meet the right one. She may not be the love of your life.

 

But she does sound pretty together for 25 and at least she's sure about what she wants in life. I give her credit for putting out there. She's giving you the choice. She doesn't want to be one of those women freaking out at 39 years old beacuse their "biological clocks" are keeping them up at night.

 

So if she needs an answer NOW, tell her you aren't ready. If that's not good enough, then she should keep moving.

 

Gold digging? Ridiculous charge. I havent met too many 32 year old guys who are millionaires at this point and I work with highly successful people in a very large city.

 

In the next five years most of your buddies will likely be getting married too, it's likely you have been getting a good a number of wedding inviations over the past few years. So if you aren't ready today, you might be in a few years.

 

Your life could change in an instant and life works that way frequently. The definition of "fun" changes over time and it is fun to be in a relationship with a compatible person. These things just don't happen. You make them happen, you keep it fun, you decide what your life looks like everyday.

 

You have a lot more control over your future than you think. Marriage becomes a drag when people stop working at it, stop treating each other with kindness and respect, stop thinking they have to do anything to keep it interesting. You could be a boring single guy too, marriage isn't the reason. People often get lazy and take the other person for granted and that's why a lot of marriages are crappy.

 

Good Luck and dont listen to negativity, that's what scared you in the first place!

 

Again, this is a discussion about one MANS risk and fears regarding marriage and a woman's point of view is as irrelevant as whether any or all of his peers decide to marry. This is one man who has fears & issues and needs to see both sides of the institution of marriage. I am the Devil's Advocate and will show him the negative side, highlight the risks vs. rewards and let him make his own decision. Whatever you may believe about his situation (his wealth, success or beliefs) have no place in this discussion. Base your replies on what is given and if it is not enough then ask for more.

 

If you wish to dissuade anyone from listening to me try proving me wrong. Show how the institution of marriage has benefits that outweigh the risks that he will have to take. Show were my facts, analysis or scenario's are in error and you will win. Do so and I will acknowledge you the wiser and bow out. Until then please keep your emotional outburst away from rational discussions.

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ReluctantRomeo
if this one leaves you can replace her in an afternoon with a younger, prettier, more pleasant model and she needs to know that.

 

Yes, because that will give her the secure and happy feminine glow that is such a pleasure to be around :rolleyes:

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Hi Rex,

 

Sounds like you are not ready to be married, you may change your mind in a couple of months.....or years. If you did get married right now would you really be happy with that decision in 6 months from now? I am talking about the actual idea that you are forcing this on yourself if you indeed are not ready.

 

Long engagements ...... that is the ticket. My H waited until he was 36 to marry. He waited until he had no fear and knew her wanted it.

 

And kids are a big deal.....hash that out now before you decide to marry or not.

 

a4a - January is yard art appreciation month

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Yes, because that will give her the secure and happy feminine glow that is such a pleasure to be around :rolleyes:

 

I would like to place an order for 500 ReluctantRomeos, please.

 

Note to Devil's Advocate...I just got a call from your boss. Apparently you've been fired. Sorry about that.

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Devils Advocate

Yes, because that will give her the secure and happy feminine glow that is such a pleasure to be around :rolleyes:

 

Actually, it will. Complacency breeds contempt, and a woman who knows that she is your only source of sex & emotional fulfilment tends to exploit it. However when there is a sense of competition or ambivalence it inspires women to work harder to make the "relationship" more secure.

This is why women chase after men who only use them for sex and ignore the niceguy who offers stability. Search your history and realize the women who were chasing you with the most determination are the ones you weren't that interested.

 

I would like to place an order for 500 ReluctantRomeos, please.

 

Note to Devil's Advocate...I just got a call from your boss. Apparently you've been fired. Sorry about that.

 

Ah sarcasm, the weapon of choice for the intellectually stunted. Try again and this time bring something relevant to the discussion.

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