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Opinions on open marriage?


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It's all good

I saw a show on T.V. about a married couple who have sex with other couples now and then for fun. (Oprah?) Just caught 5 minutes of it but I was curious to see if anyone has actally had this experience. My H and I have discussed it. I am not saying it's good or bad mind you, I am just seeing others opinions or experiences with this situation.

 

They made it sound so simple and worry free. I don't think it would be so easy to see someone else having sex with your partner, I guess unless your into that sort of thing?

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To each their own, and I'm not knocking other peoples lifestyles etc, but the main question I think you all need to ask yourself is why is this something you all are considering? Add spice to the relationship? People can add spice without bringing in other people. They make it sound simple and worry free because it something they probably both mutually agreed on. I have known people who swing, and I can not speak for eveyone that does swing, but I can tell you from a friend of mine that has, that she has said her husband was the one that wanted to bring other people into their marriage. She was all for it thinking it would be fun, so they did, several times.

 

She has said even though it was "fun", it really caused more problems than they had expected, in many ways. She said for her the fascination grew old, and finally played itself out. I think on an occassion they may still do it but not like used too. She also said that for them they both tried real hard to not only convince others this was a good thing, but they tried to convince themselves as well. Played it like it was the best thing to do. They tried to convince others/themselves they were happy and this was the void that had been missing. She said, the reality of it was that, they did more damage to their marraige then they ever thought possible. They are still together, but having to work at moving past what was done. They now realize after about 7 years of this lifestyle that it was wrong. Once again, I'm not speaking for others, but just in my friends case. I think its something you really need to think about, before pursuing. Really weigh your options, vs. pros and cons.

 

 

 

 

Jade

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LucreziaBorgia

Open marriages are more about relationships than they are just sex. What you described is more along the lines of swingers - casual sex with others with no chance of outside relationships. The success of the open marriage or swinger stuff you are talking about depends entirely on

 

a. your motivations for wanting the open/swinger marriage

b. how honest you are with each other about those motivations

 

Is it something you both mutually want to share in in order to enhance an already healthy sex life, or a patch for sexual boredom? If it is borne of emotional boredom, or unhappiness and/or is not entirely sexual (meaning one or the other of you is vulnerable to having emotional needs met to fill some sort of void) then the open/swinger marriage is just a rest stop on the road to divorce.

 

It does no good to agree to an open marriage under false pretense - if one of you does not want it then you have to say 'no' - open/swinger stuff HAS to be 100% mutual and agreed upon from the get-go. If there are problems in the marriage, then work on those first before looking for outside fixes. If the marriage is doing ok, then talk honestly about it with each other and I mean honestly. What it is you expect, what you think will happen, best and worse case scenarios, how each of you will react seeing your spouse enjoying the sex with someone else, groundrules, how to back out when it does not meet expectations, etc. Not something you want to take lightly - even if it is 'just sex', because the last thing you want is to find out that the 'just sex' became more because of the hidden and undiscussed problems already in the marriage.

 

Otherwise healthy marriages (in which the open/swinger enhances and not replaces) can survive the open/swinger stuff. Open/swinger stuff just pulls the plug on unhealthy ones (in which the open/swinger becomes a search for something that is missing in the marriage).

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To each's own !! I know i could never do that im too jealous and wouldn't want my man with noone else but me!! If he ever suggested this to me it would be the finale of our relationship cause im not wanting to share my D@@@ with noone!!

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Lilmoma, you are too funny.

 

LB is right- open marriages are different than swinging. I could never do either, but that's just me.

 

I've known someone who did the swingers thing though, and it worked for them for a while. Eventually the wife got tired of it and the husband decided he would find someone else who was into it like he was and he divorced her.

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Lilmoma, you are too funny.

 

LB is right- open marriages are different than swinging. I could never do either, but that's just me.

 

I've known someone who did the swingers thing though, and it worked for them for a while. Eventually the wife got tired of it and the husband decided he would find someone else who was into it like he was and he divorced her.

 

 

I am being serious what i said !! :confused:

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Why bother getting married then? There's enough problems with people having sex outside their marriages uninvited. Why invite the demon in willingly? I'm guessing there are the rare couples who can handle this, but I'm sure it's few and far between.

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It's all good

Marriage is a commitment, I get that, but if the couple talked about it before they got married then why not still get married. People want that person to experience everything with them, kids, jobs, life in general and want them their whole life long. The whole reason you get married can't be so that your significant other won't wander, that could happen anyway. I think that a couple who does this would have to have a really strong bond with each other and be very open with their communication. I do see a down side though, like what if she or he likes it better with the other than me, all that stuff. Then they might be the wrong couple to be doing that. You won't know unless you try it, right?

I do get people view on the marriage vows and all that. I have a friend who is dead set on that never happening in her marriage, Prob. because he has cheated on her before they got married. It's just a different point of view. Kinda like eating at one restaurant all your life but wanting to try another once in a while, just for a change.

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I could see that swinging might work for a couple with the right mindset, but I imagine that for most people it would create more problems than it solves. Both partners would have to be emotionally capable of dealing with the inevitable questions:

  • "What does this other person have that I don't?"
  • "Is my partner enjoying outside sex more than sex with me?"
  • "What if an outside sexual partner turns into more (i.e. love)?"

I suspect that a lot of these swinging relationships are initiated by one of the partners (usually the man), and that they arise out of dissatisfaction with things at home. If this is the case, then the real problem with the marriage is being avoided and swinging is just dealing with the symptoms of that problem. Ultimately, this has to make things worse, doesn't it?

 

As for open marriage, I think it would pose all of the same issues and more. An open marriage hardly seems like a marriage at all, except legally. Maybe if you have kids and you want to preserve some shred of a home life for them, it might make sense. But isn't it just one step away from separation?

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I agree with Kenyth but in some ways, I wonder why not? It would have to be agreed that I would never see the OW and she would never come in our home and vice versa but it would probably take a lot of stress off of wondering if your spouse has or is going to cheat on you.

 

Just my take on it. Of course, my H and I are monogamous right now but after about 10 years, who knows where we will be at...lol. I'm just being realistic. I would like to think that we will still be monogamous but is that a 'fantasy' world? I actually wonder how many couples have gone 20 or 30 years of really just sleeping with that same person?

 

Hope my comment and randon speculation helped! :D

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"it would probably take alot of stress off of wondering if your spouse has or is going to cheat on you."

 

 

Its still cheating. Basically all swinging is, is consentual adultry. Meaning both parties know about, and ok with it. Alot of people think if people are married and consent to have sex with others then its justified as not being adultry, but it is adultry. I'm not knocking the lifestyle to each their own but thats also part of the reality of it.

 

 

 

 

Jade

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"it would probably take alot of stress off of wondering if your spouse has or is going to cheat on you."

 

 

Its still cheating. Basically all swinging is, is consentual adultry. Meaning both parties know about, and ok with it. Alot of people think if people are married and consent to have sex with others then its justified as not being adultry, but it is adultry. I'm not knocking the lifestyle to each their own but thats also part of the reality of it.

 

 

 

 

Jade

 

Swinging is adultry whether you both consent to it or not!! STILL IS CHEATING EITHER WAY!!! To each's own but it is wrong and if you want to sleep with every tom ,dick and harry then stay single !!

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Cheating is only cheating if the other partner is not aware. If both have agreed to have that type of marriage then so be it. As long as it is a mutual agreement then the act is not cheating.

 

cheat ( P ) Pronunciation Key (cht)

v. cheat·ed, cheat·ing, cheats

v. tr.

To deceive by trickery; swindle: cheated customers by overcharging them for purchases.

To deprive by trickery; defraud: cheated them of their land.

To mislead; fool: illusions that cheat the eye.

To elude; escape: cheat death.

 

v. intr.

To act dishonestly; practice fraud.

To violate rules deliberately, as in a game: was accused of cheating at cards.

Informal. To be sexually unfaithful: cheat on a spouse.

 

n.

An act of cheating; a fraud or swindle.

One who cheats; a swindler.

Law. Fraudulent acquisition of another's property.

 

 

Most of us are traditional in our way of thinking. The 'white picket' life that you don't try to understand certain other aspects of life, such as why people are gay, gay marriages or open marriages.

 

I am the same as the most of you and personally, don't understand how people could do it and go on to lead normal lives with their children, families, etc. But, that is their prerogative. No one ever knows what is going on in someone else's household. And I try to understand different perspectives as to why people might do what they do. As long as it is not hurting/harming anyone.

 

If it works for your marriage then go for it. It's your life. But, I strongly recommend practicing safe sex and keep into consideration the issue of unplanned pregnancies.

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It wouldn't work for my particular tastes, simply because sexual intimacy is the only thing that differentiates my romantic relationship from a friendship, close familial bond or comfortable room-mate situation. Those (for me) are a dime a dozen. So are sexual outlets minus monogamy and emotional intimacy.

 

Without the two combined, the relationship wouldn't feel very 'special' to me, at all. :(

 

But I think such arrangements may work perfectly fine for two individuals who do not require the same standards, and agree that this is a worthwhile alternative for both of them. However, I don't think open marriages are immune to insecurities, jealousies or fallibilities any more than monogamous ones are.

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Cheating is only cheating if the other partner is not aware. If both have agreed to have that type of marriage then so be it. As long as it is a mutual agreement then the act is not cheating.

Exactly. Adultery and cheating are not the same thing! I would describe swinging as consensual adultery, but it is exactly not cheating because both partners are aware and consent to the arragement.

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As a private fantasy its cool.

 

To actually step across the event horizon into reality would be too much for me.

 

The fantasy of my SO having sex with another man and me is ok. As long as its not a real person in the fantasy. Conversley the thought of having sex with my gf and another woman is cool also, with the same proviso.

 

I could never indulge in swinging, as an old fashioned romantic I want the relationship to remain totally within the bounds of "the two of us". I couldn't handle the emotions involved, as I cannot have sex with some one who is not an SO or a potential SO.

 

My two European cents, as in Euro!

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I agree with you, Wit and to me it's much more special to just be with that number one person. :D;)

 

The same hymn sheet then, cool SamandBran.

 

"to me it's much more special to just be with that number one person. :D" Mmmmm, her taste and scent.......

 

Excuse me for a moment!!!

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Let's assume for the moment that it is okay with both partners. Usually, the guy asks for it....to get with another woman., but let's assume that over a cup of coffee, both thought it would be fun to have SEX with someone else.

 

There probably would be a difference in that theoretically with each other it would be "making love." Hopefully with someone else, it would be "sex."

 

From my perspective, it could not bring them closer. If there is the least bit of displeasure sexually with each other, I would think that when they found someone better, their sex life would be ruined. How could she enjoy him if the "making love" was less satisfying than "sex" with her swinging partner? And what if he began liking the variety of women? I would love to hear from someone who was in the life who was brought closer to their spouse...and are still with that person.

 

I may be wrong but I also thought that many women became emotionally tied to their partner. And many men are jealous of men looking at their wife. Just my thoughts.

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I don't get the idea of an open marriage. I believe in a faithful marriage for its uniqueness, compassion, dependence, trust and health reasons. Once there is another person, all the magic is gone and there is mistrust, hatred, insecurity and disease. Plus, I would see red if my wife had sex with another man.

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It's all good

who knows how you'll feel in 10, 20, 30 years? When you've been with your partner for 20 years. who's to say you'll still have that passion and newness, after 20 years?? I mean as far as sex goes. So going out to get another couple once in a while could bring back some life and fun, as long as you both agree. It can't be cheating if your both involved at the same. And i think it's very good to be upfront with your partner about wanting that spice instead of feeling restentful and trapped. That way it gives your SO a chance to make a decision about the relationship instead of HAVING to because of cheating. I'd rather my H tell me he want's another woman just for the sex than find out he's been running around catching who knows what from who knows who! I kinwo he loves me and I love him and want him for the rest of my life, but with us....if 20 or 30 years down the road, or next week we feel we want to try it at least we are honest with each other. I mean, he's human right? We all have desires and the ability to deal with them. It's how you go about it that matters. Him going out and sleeping with some chick without any regard for my feelings would hurt WAY more than him being up front with me. And it's not ALWAYS the man who initiates this sort of thing.

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who knows how you'll feel in 10' date=' 20, 30 years? When you've been with your partner for 20 years. who's to say you'll still have that passion and newness, after 20 years??[/quote']

 

I have no clue how I'm gonna feel. I anticipate that the passion will be gone - this hormone-fueled infatuation that make your head spin. But I hope and believe there will be other things to replace the passion: trust, dependence, friendship and love. I know that I don't want to swap partners for new passion, because I won't build a solid relationship this way. Anyway, after some time new partners will not bring passion, but a feeling of being old and tired. That's my guess.

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OK, so here's the real risk.

 

For the vast majority of people, sex is not just a physical release...it's an emotional need as well.

 

This makes it very hard for many people to seperate sex from emotion.

 

So, being involved in any kind of situation where you're being sexually active outside of the marriage entails the HUGE risk that eventually one partner or the other begins to develop an EMOTIONAL relationship with someone outside of the marriage. They begin to desire any kind of relationship with that person outside of the marriage more than they desire the married partner...

 

This is the danger you've got ANY time you get involved in something like this. Anything along these lines creates a definite risk for the marriage...even if you've 'planned on it'...the risk remains.

 

Better off not taking that risk to your marriage...IMHO.

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I don't get the idea of an open marriage. I believe in a faithful marriage for its uniqueness, compassion, dependence, trust and health reasons. Once there is another person, all the magic is gone and there is mistrust, hatred, insecurity and disease. Plus, I would see red if my wife had sex with another man.

 

Presario great advice the best one yet,you hit the nail right on the head.. I wouldn't like it if my man was with another women having sex behind my back ..I know damn well i won't allow it in front of me !!! Hell no ain't happening ,iF he wants to do that he will be without me ..:mad: Homey don't play that ..That is my di@@ noone else's and i don't share ..;):o

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