Reasons to end it

[icequeen]

Is a bad sex life reason enough to end a marriage? If 2 people are just not sexually compatable, is that a good enough reason to call it quits? Isn't that like the meanest thing you could do to someone, next to cheating on them? I mean, how could you ever say to your spouse, "I love you, but I don't like having sex with you."? If you keep your mouth shut, thinking things will improve, but they don't, won't that eventually lead to cheating? This is such a touchy subject.

[slubberdegullion]

Staying quiet about it is probably the worst thing you could do, next to cutting your partner off altogether.

 

It may lead to infidelity, but too much depends on other factors to say for sure one way or the other.

 

The approach is critical. A statement like, "I don't like having sex with you" is probably not the best way to go about it. Instead, open up a discussion and invite participation. And be specific. Saying something like, "I just don't feel into it" may be a good reflection of your feelings on the matter, but it isn't specific enough to actually work on getting results.

 

"I'm a little concerned that our sex life maybe not what it could be. I'm interested in being a better partner. I really like when you do XXXX, but YYYY doesn't do that much for me. How do you feel about it?"

 

Talking about it, openly and like adults, is a good way to get things started.

[Mz. Pixie]

Slub has some excellent points.

 

But yes, trying to look past that and hope that it just gets better on its own and it doesn't, that can lead to an affair, if you needs are not being met.

 

There are counselors who specialize in things like this as well.

[It's all good]

What is it that makes you not want to have sex with him? Bad breath, bad timing, not enough tenderness, just plain not feeling it?

Is there any underlying issues that are unresolved like stress about finances, jobs, family? How do you feel about yourself? Do you still feel sexy and attractive? Have you said anything to him at all about this, or does he think they way he does it is great? If he has no clue that something is wrong he won't change things. If we know more about the situation maybe you could get more specific advice. I will not advise ending a marriage just on bad sex, esp. if the two parties can work on it.

[icequeen]

What is it that makes you not want to have sex with him? Bad breath, bad timing, not enough tenderness, just plain not feeling it?

Is there any underlying issues that are unresolved like stress about finances, jobs, family? How do you feel about yourself? Do you still feel sexy and attractive? Have you said anything to him at all about this, or does he think they way he does it is great? If he has no clue that something is wrong he won't change things. If we know more about the situation maybe you could get more specific advice. I will not advise ending a marriage just on bad sex, esp. if the two parties can work on it.

 

 

It's nothing specific. I'm just not feeling it. I never have really "felt" it with him. (figuratively, not literally) He's not that experienced in the bedroom, and I'm just not into being his teacher. I prefer to be with someone who doesn't need guidance and direction. I feel good about myself, although I'm not a supermodel, I am smaller now than I have been in 10 years. And that has done wonders for my self esteem. He seems like he could care less.

 

There are plenty of other issues in our marriage, but even when there wasn't, our sex life still lacked. He's not bad in bed, but he just doesn't do it for me. I know the fact that I'm not in love with the man doesn't help matters either. He tries and asks for "coaching" when we are in bed, but it doesn't matter. I have tried to tell him, as nicely as possible, what I like and don't like. He just doesn't get it. He's too busy doing his own thing to listen to anything I have to say. I don't think he knows that the majority of our problems stem from an unfulfilling sex life.

 

I have come to the point where I dread sex with him. It's boring and lame and over in 15 minutes (tops). There's no passion or desire. There's nothing there other than a wham bam thank you mam. It sucks. Speaking of sucks, I have even resorted to giving him blow jobs to avoid having to have sex with him. I don't know how I could ever talk to him about how I really feel without hurting his feelings.

[Mz. Pixie]

True, his feelings will be hurt when you tell him but imagine how hurt they will be if you ever have an affair?? Way worse than you telling him that the sex is not cutting it for you.

[cranium]

I have tried to tell him, as nicely as possible, what I like and don't like. He just doesn't get it. He's too busy doing his own thing to listen to anything I have to say. I don't think he knows that the majority of our problems stem from an unfulfilling sex life.

 

Replace him with her and He with She and I'm right there with you. MW isn't too busy doing her own thing, she's just not into giving it in return. I don't feel the passion or desire, either.

 

Don't stop communicating. That was my mistake. I grew resigned and resentful when nothing seemed to change and then she pretty much cut me off completely. Then she had an A, because I wasn't meeting her most important EN's (sex isn't one of them, but conversation is).

 

Talk about a self-esteem booster. She wasn't into meeting my sexual needs, but could go OM to meet his. Her A wasn't about the sex to her, but it was to me. I would rather she have hurt my feelings then broken my heart.

[Walk]

I have come to the point where I dread sex with him. It's boring and lame and over in 15 minutes (tops). There's no passion or desire. There's nothing there other than a wham bam thank you mam. It sucks. Speaking of sucks, I have even resorted to giving him blow jobs to avoid having to have sex with him. I don't know how I could ever talk to him about how I really feel without hurting his feelings.

 

Sounds like the last two years of my marriage. I know how your feeling. At the time I felt the same way. The word lackluster was too gentle. After a while I couldn't even stand giving him the blowjob to get him to go away, and just started tossing him the victoria secrets catalog and telling him to go in the bathroom. When you spend years attempting to get your man to focus on more then the "insert, thrust, repeat"... and he never gets it, it seems pointless to try anymore.

 

My theory (not knowing the specifics of your relationship) is that your hubby is a bit selfish in his desire to please himself over you. Which also shows in your relationship as a whole. He probably listens with half his attention, and when you say I wanna go do this, it ends up being what he wants to do, not what you really wanted. More about his desires and needs then any true desire to see that yours are met. Does that sound about right? The majority of the things you want end up either overshadowed by his desire, or not met at all?

 

I can live with mediocre sex with a partner that's honestly trying to please me. But when mediocre sex is just another aspect of a relationship in which my SO is focused more on his needs then mine... I can't deal with that.

[Presario]

If the situation doesn't improve, your dissatisfaction will likely either make you cheat or make you chronically unhappy.

 

How are other things in your marriage? Does he help you with house chores? Does he make an effort to make you feel good outsite of your bedroom?

 

 

Best,

Presario

[icequeen]

If the situation doesn't improve, your dissatisfaction will likely either make you cheat or make you chronically unhappy.

 

How are other things in your marriage? Does he help you with house chores? Does he make an effort to make you feel good outsite of your bedroom?

 

 

Best,

Presario

 

 

It scares me to think about actually getting to the point of cheating on DH. Something I never thought I'd really do. But I can't and don't want to live like this. I know sex isn't everything, but sometimes it sures seems like it.

 

Other things in our marriage are just blah. There's not much physical contact, except when he want "something", then he's all over me. It drives me crazy. He seriously invades my space. He helps out around the house more than most men, I guess. But never without me having to ask him a thousand times. IMHO, he makes no effort to make me feel good about myself, anywhere. I guess that's why I have been seeking male attetion elsewhere. I just want to know that someone thinks I'm pretty or attractive or interesting. I want to be seen for more than just the cook, maid, caretaker, taxi driver, accountant, etc. But that's all I feel I am to him. And his whore when the need arises. (no pun intended!) At least I'm aware of what's going on, even though he isn't. I want and need to know that I'm still attractive and desirable. He doesn't give me that.

 

I have prayed and prayed for me to find him desirable and to want to have sex with him, and actually enjoy it. But it hasn't happened and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will. He is a good provider for our family and always makes sure we are all taken care of. It just seems foolish to give all that up for hot sex. Am I making any sense??

[It's all good]

It would be foolish to end it all IF he was a super husband...but by your comments he doesn't seem so stellar when it comes to you.

 

I can understand loosing that lovin' feeling. And thinking about it somewhere else, but actually being here and hearing others comments made me sit back and think hard about the grass being greener else where. Most likely It isn't! Supose you find a great shag somewhere else, that will not improve your feelings for your H in bed. Now you will have guilt on top of those feelings, and a failing marriage. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man regardless of the sex? If not, he's not the right man for you. If you two could never have sex again would your love for him as a person be enough for you? If so it's worth trying to make him understand that he needs to really meet your needs as well. If he really loves you he'll listen and try harder to meet your needs. If you can't make it work after really exhausting all of your options and trying to make it work...then it just plain won't. Let go and start again. (I don't condone divorce unless all options are exhausted and the love is just dead for both parties!)

[Presario]

Icequeen,

 

It scares me to think about actually getting to the point of cheating on DH. Something I never thought I'd really do. But I can't and don't want to live like this. I know sex isn't everything, but sometimes it sures seems like it.

 

I understand what you feel. I am married to a great woman, but unfortunately we have problems with a regular intercourse: we physically cannot do this. We have attempted it many times but failed. And yes, I know too that sex is not everything, but it seems the opposite when you badly want it and will not get it soon. Sometimes all I can do is to be in bad mood the whole day, complain and look for an argument. Occasionally I wish there was no such thing as sex. I feel sorry that my wife has to go through this.

 

How long have you felt like this? Has it been weeks, months or years?

 

He seriously invades my space.

 

What do you mean by that?

 

He helps out around the house more than most men, I guess. But never without me having to ask him a thousand times.

 

He should help without being asked. Do you have some deal about the chores? My wife and I have a deal: I cook on the weekends, and wash up on week days. I clean the foors, she does the laundry. We don't have to ask each other to do the chores.

 

Does he have a picture of you in his wallet? Is he proud and happy to introduce you to others? Does he wear a ring?

 

I have a friend whose husband is a boor. He thinks that his wife is this affectionate looser. He doesn't wear a ring and chuckles at the idea of a wallet picture. In public he doesn't show his wife respect. Is your husband like this?

 

I just want to know that someone thinks I'm pretty or attractive or interesting.

 

I'm sure there are tons of guys like this. I find attractive many women, regardless of age or race.

 

I want to be seen for more than just the cook, maid, caretaker, taxi driver, accountant, etc. But that's all I feel I am to him. And his whore when the need arises. (no pun intended!) At least I'm aware of what's going on, even though he isn't.

 

Maybe he thinks that you are happy. Maybe he thinks that when you are financially secure and kids are fine, then you are OK. Have you spoken with him about this? My father rarely tells my mother what is wrong, and this drives her crazy. Sometimes she doesn't know what's up, and women are intuitive and guess well. Men are even worse at guessing. I love this comparison: men are like dogs, you need to tell them what to do, or otherwise they will just look at you and do nothing. Tell your man gently what you want.

 

It just seems foolish to give all that up for hot sex. Am I making any sense??

 

IMHO, it makes perfect sense to most married people. I heard that most married men cheated at least once. I bet even more people only think about giving up everything for new sex. We need to choose. I prefer a stable, happy marriage to mind-blowing sex.

 

Keep us posted and good luck!

 

 

Best,

Presario

[Mz. Pixie]

It scares me to think about actually getting to the point of cheating on DH. Something I never thought I'd really do. But I can't and don't want to live like this. I know sex isn't everything, but sometimes it sures seems like it.

 

Other things in our marriage are just blah. There's not much physical contact, except when he want "something", then he's all over me. It drives me crazy. He seriously invades my space. He helps out around the house more than most men, I guess. But never without me having to ask him a thousand times. IMHO, he makes no effort to make me feel good about myself, anywhere. I guess that's why I have been seeking male attetion elsewhere. I just want to know that someone thinks I'm pretty or attractive or interesting. I want to be seen for more than just the cook, maid, caretaker, taxi driver, accountant, etc. But that's all I feel I am to him. And his whore when the need arises. (no pun intended!) At least I'm aware of what's going on, even though he isn't. I want and need to know that I'm still attractive and desirable. He doesn't give me that.

 

I have prayed and prayed for me to find him desirable and to want to have sex with him, and actually enjoy it. But it hasn't happened and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will. He is a good provider for our family and always makes sure we are all taken care of. It just seems foolish to give all that up for hot sex. Am I making any sense??

 

Okay, this post seriously scared me. This is EXACTLY how I felt and talked before I ended up having an affair during my first marriage. Especially the part about being more than a cook, maid, caretaker, taxi driver, accountant, and whore. I have said those EXACT words on this forum somewhere.

 

My exhusband always TOLD me that I was sexy. The problem was, he focused ALL his attention on sex and I wanted to be also told I was funny and smart- because I am. I also CRAVED affection. I wanted to be held- touched when nothing sexual was wanted. I wanted to be KISSED besides a peck on the cheek.

 

I think sex is not the entire problem in your marriage. Your not hot for him, and I can understand that. My husband weighed almost 300 lbs before I left him as well, and I weighed a little more than I did when we married, about 20 lbs- but I kept myself attractive. All of my male friends have made comments like, "Damn, you always keep yourself up so well- you certainly haven't let yourself go". I couldn't get him to try and lose weight for health purposes even!

 

The problems are deeper than sex, but they are manifesting them as sexual because you do not feel connected to him emotionally. Once that is gone for a woman, the sexual stops as well.

 

Right now, you're getting your high off other men telling you you are attractive, flirting a bit, and that is exactly how I started. Then, eventually it led into something more.

 

My exhusband was a good person, he just was selfish and he had different ideas of what marriage was to be than I did. Eventually, me having the affair hurt him in the worst possible way. Yet, when I would tell him that there were problems in our marriage, let's go to counseling, I'm not happy or bring home books etc he would never read them.

 

I deeply regret the affair. I still think that though it was something that couldn't be prevented at the time. You must stop yourself before you get to that point, IC- because seriously, it's so incredibly painful and you have so much guilt that it's hard for you to recover.

 

I met someone else and remarried. He treats me like a queen and meets all of my needs emotional, sexual, etc. I was LUCKY. That doesn't mean that it happens to everyone in my situation. You need to think very carefully about what you are doing before you do it. If you decide you cannot be happy, then the best course of action is divorce and you should do it before you have an affair.

[Lil Honey]

Darned good responses . . .

[FWIW]

I don't condone divorce unless all options are exhausted and the love is just dead for both parties!

 

If aint True Love unless it's mutual. If it's only One-Way it isn't worth a bean.

That's the dismal reality we have to accept when we suffer a break-up!

There's no point continuing a relationship (or trying to cling on to it) if the other party doesn't feel the same.

 

[Moose]

1. Adultury

 

2. Physical Abuse (pushing it, but I think it's a good reason)

Anything else can usually be fixed with enough work and effort.....

[FWIW]

Anything else can usually be fixed with enough work and effort.....

 

I'd rephrase that :

Anything else MAY be fixed if it's worth saving - if both parties are willing.

 

- but even then, sometimes even two willing partners just can't get over some issue.

 

Some people would take your version to imply that wether it's worth saving can be changed with enough work and effort - but sometimes the incompatibilty is too great and it's not worth it. Sure they could make a superhuman effort to remain living together in a civil and friendly shared life, but if they're not really going to find that fulfilling (and miss out on a REAL love) what's the point? Is marriage REALLY that sacred - can you really know for sure when you make that decision for yourself early-on in adult life, and grow in another direction as life goes on? If the relationship wasn't a married one and a split wouldn't matter to anyone, why should it make much more difference if it *is* a marriage? Yes I know a marriage should involve commitments and there's the whole "for better for worse" thing... but come on people, there are limits! Accept it doesn't always work - divorce IS possible, thankfully. No need to suffer for the rest of your days.

 

Some people like to point out that most of those who want to split, but who stick with it, later find that they're glad they did. This is dodgy logic IMHO! The fact that they stuck with it and did NOT split shows that it wasn't worth splitting and they knew that deep down. I'll bet that the opposite applies - most who wanted to split and DID were later very glad they did.

 

[Moose]

Some people would take your version to imply that wether it's worth saving can be changed with enough work and effort

Usually it can, but even if it never does....tuff luck.

 

You made a vow, you have to stick to it.

Is marriage REALLY that sacred

It is to me.

there's the whole "for better for worse" thing... but come on people, there are limits!

"Better or Worse", covers all of those limits, Or at least it's supposed to, and that's what you must understand before making your vows.

The fact that they stuck with it and did NOT split shows that it wasn't worth splitting and they knew that deep down.

I don't agree with that statement. There is a reason those vows are there. It's a commitment to stay together and grow old together. Doesn't mean you like and love every little change your spouse goes through. But you stay together, compromise, and make it work.

[FWIW]

but even if it never does....tuff luck.

Oh that's REAL compassionate! I can't believe God would really insist on two people sticking together when they've grown apart and were too naive when they took their vows.

 

"Better or Worse", covers all of those limits, Or at least it's supposed to, and that's what you must understand before making your vows.

What if you *DIDN'T* understand that when making your vows? Or if you made your vows half-heartedly, knowing in your own heart that you had limits? Expecting it to be obvious, understood and accepted by your partner and God and all else present at the time? So... what if you were wrong? You made a mistake? Are we supposed to be perfect?!

 

 

 

But you stay together, compromise, and make it work.

Fine, if that suits both parties.. but what if it doesn't?

I'm glad that divorce *IS* possible, it would be a grim world if everyone shared your fundy-like attitude!

 

[FWIW]

If divorce is an option when you marry, then all parties should accept that it may be option at some point in the future. It's part of the "rules of the game". If divorce wasn't possible, then I wouldn't have got married. You simply can't know how the future will turn out. You can hope for the best, and have great intentions, but who in their right mind would sign up for something that could go horribly wrong with no way out?

 

[Moose]

If divorce wasn't possible, then I wouldn't have got married.

And that, my dearest, is what's so messed up now and days.

 

Go into a marriage believing that Divorce isn't an option, and you'll have nothing else to do BUT make it work. You may bend, but you don't have to break.

 

Just like growing pains, we all hit our ruts, and come to our wits end in our marriages.....but leaving divorce out of your options will cause you to grow and learn together, and that forms a healthy relationship in the end.

 

AND THAT, is the reason why I believe there is no cause for divorce unless one is unfaithful, or one is physically abusive to the other or the children.

 

And even in those cases, I would still be apprehensive about divorcing my wife.......

[Mz. Pixie]

Hello, Moose.

[Moose]

Hello, Moose.

 

 

Garsh.....

[FWIW]

And that, my dearest, is what's so messed up now and days.

 

No, it's progress - enlightened thinking. Divorce is better than lifelong suffering. And I'm NOT your "dearest"!

 

Go into a marriage believing that Divorce isn't an option, and you'll have nothing else to do BUT make it work.

 

It's a bit too late for that now, I'm already hitched! Sorry but I disagree - how could I believe divorce wasn't an option when it so plainly was? People have been divorcing for long before I was born, of *course* it was a final option. I couldn't ignore the possibility, I'm a realist.

 

Just like growing pains, we all hit our ruts, and come to our wits end in our marriages.....but leaving divorce out of your options will cause you to grow and learn together, and that forms a healthy relationship in the end.

 

Ignoring divorce may force you to confront and come to a workable solution, but by no means will it always be the ideal solution. Well done if you've got a partner you feel is worth staying with through thick and thin, but some of us made *mistakes* and wonder wether we have to pay for those mistakes for ever more. I can't see how that's fair - you do (as they joke!) get less for murder!

[Moose]

No, it's progress - enlightened thinking.

"Enlightened Thinking"=Me, Me, Me.....

It's a bit too late for that now, I'm already hitched!

Noone's fault, but your own.

Sorry but I disagree - how could I believe divorce wasn't an option when it so plainly was?

Don't blame me for your upbringing. You should already have a heart of your own....if you went into your marriage knowing you had a way out, you had no intentions of staying with your husband in the first place, so you literally outright LIED reciting your vows in front of God, the preacher and your husband.

People have been divorcing for long before I was born, of *course* it was a final option. I couldn't ignore the possibility, I'm a realist.

Be a realist....fine with me. I don't know you from Eve.....personally though, I'd naturally think of you as lazy for taking the path of least resistance.....you made a promise to God, your husband, and a lot of witnesses, (if you had the traditional ceremony).....show them how much your word means....go ahead....no skin off my back......that's just the way I think about it.....

Ignoring divorce may force you to confront and come to a workable solution, but by no means will it always be the ideal solution.

Don't you realize, what you just said is a contradiction in terms???? For CRYING OUT LOUD!!! AT LEAST IT'S A SOLUTION.....whether it be ideal or not......doesn't mattter.....you gave it what you could, and didn't go into it thinking there was a back door already....

Well done if you've got a partner you feel is worth staying with through thick and thin, but some of us made *mistakes* and wonder wether we have to pay for those mistakes for ever more.

Again, not my fault for your poor man selection.......you should've covered all the bases before you stuck your neck out marrying him in the place.....besides.....what makes you think that YOU made the mistake in getting married in the first place.....I can only go by what you've posted in here so far.....maybe you're the one off the rocker or something...and to be honest....if you went in this already thinking there's a back door, tells me your heart wasn't 110% into this anyway....

I can't see how that's fair - you do (as they joke!) get less for murder!

This sentence makes no sense......care to explain?