My husband and I arnt having sex!!!!!

[pixiestick85]

Hello All,

 

Here is my problem, my husband and I have been married almost a year, but been together for 3, we have a beautiful daughter who is now almost 4 months old, After having our baby I thankfully went back into my normal size again, but unfortunatly, the reprcutions of having a baby show, needless to say that I am no supermodel, everything kinda sags and hangs, they no longer stand to attention. But since having the baby we have not had sex. Let me repete , NO Sex, and when I asked him about it, he said that he didnt want any more kids, when I asked him if that was the only reason, he said partially.

Guys, what the Hell does partially mean??? I know that he is not cheating on me, so whats the deal.........

[whichwayisup]

Something is going on. Either it's time to really sit and talk it out, find out why he isn't interested in having sex and also maybe considering going to marriage counselling.

 

Does he cuddle you? Kiss you? Tell you that he loves you? How is the rest of your relationship, outside the bedroom.

 

Can I also ask you...Was he in the room when the baby was born? If so, he could be having some issues with that and now having sex has turned him off. Nothing against you ofcourse, don't take that the wrong way, but I do know of this situation. One of my friends had her husband in the room. As much as he was a part of the process, in a way it freaked him out! To the point where the thought of having sex with her upset him because of the childbirth. Is it possible he feels that way?

 

Don't give up, talk to hiim and tell him how you feel.

[pixiestick85]

Thats the thing, he does tell me he loves me, and holds me, cuddles with me, the whole nine yards, yes, he was there for the birth, but he dosnt seem to have a problem, I can count on my fingers and toes how many times we have made love or had sex the ENTIRE time that we have been together.

Obviously, our relationship is not based on sex, it hasnt been since the day that we met.

I am not angry about it, I guess that it just hurts my feelings to know that I am no longer attractive enough for my husband .

He loves me and I know that he adores our daughter, but what does paritally mean? I have brought this subject up many times, and when I do he gets angry with me, I asked him if we needed to go to see the doctor, maybe get checked out, well , needless to say, that did not go over well, He thinks that I was trying to insult him, but that was not my intention at all.

I dont know what to do anymore, I have given up, the counsling idea is great, but he dosnt seem to think that we have a problem.

Now the rest of our marriage is happy, and healthy, we talk about alot of things, but the sex issue is not one of them........

[SamandBran]

It's ironic this posts (and you ) have brought this up because the same situation happened with my bf and her baby's father. After having her lil girl, the dad flew in from Holland (he's Dutch) and they fought the whole time. So, of course, sex was out. My bf said she didn't want to have sex anyway b/c she wasn't in the mood after the birth. Needless to say, her daughter's dad was very mean to her and sulked most of the time that he was around after he flew from Europe. I was like come on!

 

He came back about month later to see them again for another month and she said they are getting along alot better now.

 

I think that it may take some time for your hubby to adjust to being a daddy. It's a huge transition. It is for women and men go through things too, emotionally and physically. He may just not be used to you playing the mommy role. And you do have a new body now. But, be proud of it. Every woman is sexy. It's just the way you carry yourself and your confidence level. Having a "supermodel's" body may help but it's not everything, trust me b/c most of us don't...lol.

 

Luckily, for me, my DH married me after I already had my son (from another relationship). He is already used to doing the parenting thing. We don't have sex often b/c after working and taking care of a 1 1/2 year old, we are usually pretty tired. With a new baby, we might have sex even less b/c we are even more tired, but I'm know he loves me and I will understand.

 

If he cuddles you and you catch those moments with him and his new baby, then I wouldn't worry. You guys will get through this. Don't push him. Just be yourself and your confidence in being a mommy and getting your life together with your new baby will make him want to be a part of you guys life more too. Then, comes the sex.

 

I have learned that with guys, the more you dwell on what's wrong with them, the more they pout.

 

Good luck!!!!!!! And enjoy your new baby.

[slubberdegullion]

... he was there for the birth...

Oh, to harken back to the days when men paced in the waiting room, smoking furiously and awaiting news from the doctor... some things are better left as they were.

 

It's not uncommon for a man's feelings about a woman's reproductive paraphernalia to change after he witnesses a birth. What once was an object of lusty desire becomes associated with blood and pain and howling and clinical issues and people milling around...

 

So it will probably take a little time before he's ready to leap back into the breach.

 

Besides, like SamandBrian said, becoming a daddy is a huge transition, and the tremendous responsibilities that come with it can be a happy, but heavy, burden.

 

Give him a little time, keep up the other physical and emotional connections, and there's a good chance that all will be well.

[jmargel]

Pixie some people aren't comfortable with sex. It's nothing against you but if you two had'nt had sex many times before then maybe his hormone level isn't upto the level of most men.

 

Is he on anti-depressants? I know when I was I didn't want sex and when I did the feeling just wasn't there. Medication can be a big part of that sort of thing. The only way you can talk to him about this is to just say 'Anytime you want to talk about anything, I will be here for you' then let it drop. The more you push it the more defensive he'll be.

 

I could imagine how this might play on you as you not feeling attractive,etc.. The problem isn't with you it's with him. Don't be your own worst enemy. If he doesn't communicate with you, make an appointment with a counselor and then give him the opportunity to join once you start. It'll then by the counselor's job to get that information out of him.

[pixiestick85]

Thank you All VERY much for all of your imput and support, here is also my thing, his last girlfriend, was not a "suzy homemaker" infact she was quite a tramp ( to put it nicely) but I have seem some racy pic of them together, stuff that he woudl never even dream of doing with me, see, she cheated on him with half the men up the California coast, does he think that I am going to do that to him? let me be honest, I love him with every fiber of my being, but lets face it, he's not the best in the bedroom, ( or any room for that matter) , but I have patiance of a saint, and would rather my husband be pleased then myself, (is that bad) but I am wondering if he thinks that I am gonna do the same thing that his ex b**** did to him? I have tried to explain things to him that I am not her.

Dont get me wrong, he is a wonderful father and husband , but everytime I bring up anything that has to do with sex or our marriage, he gets angry with me, and honestly I am tired of arguing about it.

I just want a intimate relationship with my husband , thats not much to ask is it?

[tinktronik]

Pix, I would imagine this is a very difficult situation.It sounds as if this has been ongoin and not anything to do with the baby . You said you'd been together 4 years and could count the number of times you had made love to your husband on your fingers.That averages out to be just a couple of times a year. There is something wrong here.I suspect lack of interest due to hormone levels .This is your call,you should probably get into counciling on your own , as you seem upset by the situation.And I suspect your H has some embarrasment due to his lack of interest so bringing up the lack causes tension between the two of you.You can't force him to have sex with you , and I doubt you'd want to anyway. Is this something youve decided to live with or not?

[pixiestick85]

I decided , when I married him that I was in it for the long hall, no matter what....

I have recently talked to a friend of mine who is in counsling her self and seems to like the guy, so I am thinking of going, because obviously this is bothering me more then I think is nessasary, Hopefully, this will give me a little resolve to all of this......

[Lose some weight]

You had sex before your baby was born and now you don't. Since the delivery, you're not as attractive as you were. You're, above all, fat and out of shape.

 

Well men don't find fat out of shape women attractive. We're attracted to thin, toned women.

 

Those are the women we like to have sex with.

 

So: if you want to have sex with your husband, lose weight, get in shape, wear something sexy, act like a slut.

 

That's all it takes because that's all, and I mean all, guys want: A thin sexy slut.

 

I know women don't like to hear this because most women are fat. But that's how it is.

[Presario]

That's all it takes because that's all, and I mean all, guys want: A thin sexy slut.

 

Not me. Speak for your self, dude.

[lilmoma1973]

 

We all grow old and aren't going to look the same as we did as our 20's so tell that jerk to get over himself !! He sounds like an ass to me.. Sit down and have a tlk with him .. Maybe he feels that now you are a mom you shouldn't do that and he is scared of you getting preggo again!! Could be that he liked it when it was just you and him and he is resenting you .

[whichwayisup]

You had sex before your baby was born and now you don't. Since the delivery, you're not as attractive as you were. You're, above all, fat and out of shape.

 

Well men don't find fat out of shape women attractive. We're attracted to thin, toned women.

 

Those are the women we like to have sex with.

 

So: if you want to have sex with your husband, lose weight, get in shape, wear something sexy, act like a slut.

 

That's all it takes because that's all, and I mean all, guys want: A thin sexy slut.

 

I know women don't like to hear this because most women are fat. But that's how it is.

 

I can't even comment on this post. Anything else I'd like to say isn't worth saying because I think just about EVERYBODY on here probably is thinking the same thing as me.

[lilmoma1973]

I can't even comment on this post. Anything else I'd like to say isn't worth saying because I think just about EVERYBODY on here probably is thinking the same thing as me.

 

My thoughts exactly WWIU!!

[whichwayisup]

I decided , when I married him that I was in it for the long hall, no matter what....

I have recently talked to a friend of mine who is in counsling her self and seems to like the guy, so I am thinking of going, because obviously this is bothering me more then I think is nessasary, Hopefully, this will give me a little resolve to all of this......

 

I think that's a great thing you're doing by going to see someone to talk to.

 

Also, don't give up hope. Things could easily get better in the bedroom! Start making yourself look sexy. Smell good, be flirty around him, kiss his neck and behind his ear...Rub up against him. That oughtta get some reaction!

[InTheMachine]

Hello All,

 

Here is my problem, my husband and I have been married almost a year, but been together for 3, we have a beautiful daughter who is now almost 4 months old, After having our baby I thankfully went back into my normal size again, but unfortunatly, the reprcutions of having a baby show, needless to say that I am no supermodel, everything kinda sags and hangs, they no longer stand to attention. But since having the baby we have not had sex. Let me repete , NO Sex, and when I asked him about it, he said that he didnt want any more kids, when I asked him if that was the only reason, he said partially.

Guys, what the Hell does partially mean??? I know that he is not cheating on me, so whats the deal.........

 

Hey, Pixie:

 

Based on my own experience and what I've seen in my friends' marriages, what you're going through is not unusual at all. And its something that most likely will pass.

 

It *is* possible that something more serious might be at the bottom of it: there might be issues in your relationship that are causing resentment (and thus less sexual overtures from your husband). He might have become obsessed with pornography, a problem that's getting more common and that causes sexual problems.

 

Or maybe he's just busy and stressed out about other things.

 

The most likely explanation is pretty close to what slubberdegulliion (sp?) noted above: after a wife/lover becomes a mother, a man's instincts towards her may undergo a change, at least temporarily. You are no longer just your partner's lover and wife -- you are the mother of his children. Sometimes it takes some emotional getting used to, to handle the sometimes conflicting feelings. And, as slubber noted, feelings towards the woman's body may change, temporarily. Not that the new feelings are bad, just different.

 

I went through it with our first born. First, I was indeed troubled somehow by seeing my wife's most private part just about ripped open (the boy was almost THIRTEEN POUNDS!). And yes, I had to adjust to that. But I also had some strange emotions ... it almost seemed wrong to have sexual desire for this woman who was now a mother.

 

I don't think I'm explaining all that well, but that's cuz it was kind of vague, even to me. The good news is ... it all changed with time. A year later I lusted after my wife more than ever, and I've come to really appreciate some of the new curves and soft places on her body. I think the problem was mostly in my head.

 

And for some reason, it wasn't a problem when our second was born. In fact I couldn't wait to get the doctor's permission to get busy again!

 

Be patient. Tell him how you feel. Start with a backrub and some kissing.

 

It's not really about your body or sex anyway. It's about love. In the past, with other women, if they gained weight or something I might lose attraction. With my wife, its the love that makes me hot for her. I love her, and that makes me want her.

 

If your hubby loves you, he'll come around. Give it time. And do take care of yourself. Doesn't mean you need to be a supermodel. Just don't sit around in your PJs all day. Get a little exercise, take some pride in yourself.

 

It'll be fine. You'll see. Heck, I wish I could go back to THOSE problems now. They were easy compared to what we're dealing with at the moment.

[boshemia]

You had sex before your baby was born and now you don't. Since the delivery, you're not as attractive as you were. You're, above all, fat and out of shape.

 

Well men don't find fat out of shape women attractive. We're attracted to thin, toned women.

 

Those are the women we like to have sex with.

 

So: if you want to have sex with your husband, lose weight, get in shape, wear something sexy, act like a slut.

 

That's all it takes because that's all, and I mean all, guys want: A thin sexy slut.

 

I know women don't like to hear this because most women are fat. But that's how it is.

 

And you shall die alone... people change and anyone who can't handle that doesn't really understand love.

 

But back to the question at hand...

 

That said... yeah, I'd have to wonder about the sex thing before the baby. It's strange, a lot of men take awhile to adjust to their wife being a mother. Like being a mother reminds him of his mother, which makes it hard for sparks to fly in the bedroom...

 

But if he wasn't that frisky before the baby either... counselor, doctor, and some long deep conversation seems to be in order.