robbie2007 Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 Hey guys, So, I have an issue which most couples face...except that mine is a bit more complicated than usual. I have been married to my husband for 3and 1/2 years now and we have never had sex( I mean actual intercourse). well, I know most of you would be shocked!!!, but here is my story... We both come from very traditional , conservative families and our marriage was kindda arranged. I never really knew him before I married him and also I never developed romantic feelings towards him. So, we just got married , as our families know each other. I really like him and he is a very nice person, but I justfind it difficult to get aroused by him. he really tries hard and I think he is really frustrated but I really don't know how to make myself attracted to him? So, are there any tips or suggestions on how I can develop romantic and sexual feelings towards him??? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 This is tough. I know I sometimes throw the idea of arranged marriages out there as a possible alternative to the modern romantic marriage, but this is definitely the case against it. I don't know what you do. Maybe think about what kind of man turns you on and see if your husband can at least emulate some of those characteristics? That's about all I can say. If he's overweight, he can lose weight, diet and exercise. But if it's a deeper attraction failure, there's not much I can suggest. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author robbie2007 Posted December 28, 2005 Author Share Posted December 28, 2005 yes, but that's exactly where I need help...if your marriage is based on liking each other and not on a deep physical attraction , then how do you make the latter happen ? anyone with any experinece in this field?? Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 I am not in your situation Robbie, sorry. But have you two thought about counseling? There are some therapists who specialize in sexual issues; they are legit therapists and help couples work past emotional or physical issues that hamper a sex life. Are you two affectionate with each other? Try doing things together that involve touching but not necessarily sex; massages, taking a bath together, hugging, holding hands. The trouble with sex is that when you add lots of pressure to it, it never seems to happen. You both need to feel relaxed in order for it to feel good together. I think emotions and attraction CAN develop over time if you have some basic similarities; do you share similar values, laugh at the same things, enjoy some hobbies together? Work on the friendship end of it and see if that helps the romance blossom. Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted December 28, 2005 Share Posted December 28, 2005 IF it's been three years and you've never had sex, it's time to see a counselor to find out why. You sound like you're the one against it. Are you a virgin? If so, inexperience and fear are probably your biggest problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author robbie2007 Posted December 29, 2005 Author Share Posted December 29, 2005 So, do you guys have any suggestions on how to get romantic with your husband? Like, for those who go thru a rough phase how do they rekindle that romance? Any ideas??? Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 Is there something you both enjoy doing together, or something you both would like to try? Maybe connecting on another level by sharing some common interest will draw you closer to each other? It could be anything from both of you planning a romantic vacation/weekend or cooking at home in the nude. Do you talk to each other about what turns you on? Do you talk at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author robbie2007 Posted December 30, 2005 Author Share Posted December 30, 2005 I guess we like to cuddle a lot and when we sleep he sleeps in the nude and I am partially nude so I guess I can say that we do have a lot of physical contact..its just that when he tries to get on with me I am still dry and it doesn't feel ggod and also I am not that excited by him, so what can I do? But, I do find him attractive him in some ways....its just not enough to get turned on!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sneakee Monkee Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Wow, you certainly are in an usual situation! Short of the time-honored recommendation of therapy- don't feel so bad about just closing your eyes and fantasing about Tarzan or Indiana Jones or whatever floats your boat. If that's a no-go, how is your relationship outside the bedroom? Are you close enough that you could role-play? That might work... I have even heard of couples having "date" night that can go so far as renting a hotel room, going seperately to a club and "hooking up" as if you're total strangers... Play the entire thing out as a one-nighter. Have you seen "The Great Outdoors" w/ John Candy? There is a scene where he and his wife are going to role play some sort of jungle queen and "a guy named Bert." Get creative, try to think of it as fun that you want to do instead of something you "should" be doing as a ritualistic act in the marriage bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 You didn't answer the question though of whether you're a virgin or not? Are you comfortable with sex? Orgasm's? Do other men turn you on? Or have you had any experience with any other men? I'm not trying to pry, but my first thought would that maybe he's not terrible good at arousing you and that's why your having problems. If you're unsure of what turns you on, then his ability to arouse you is going to be hampered. How can you help let him know what to do to turn you on, if you don't know? Do you pursue any other forms of sexual intimacy, like oral? Passionate kissing? Fondling? I.. uh.. had a situation in which an SO did not turn me on, arouse me. I used a vibrator and kept my eyes tightly shut. Worked ok for a while. How about erotic literature? Have him read it to you? Or discussions on what turns the both of you on. This only works if you actually know what would turn you on. Suggest he learn more about foreplay? Some men have no concept. Link to post Share on other sites
Author robbie2007 Posted December 30, 2005 Author Share Posted December 30, 2005 Thank you for your post and being so candid. Let me tell you a little bit more about myself...yes I am a virgin...I was one before I got married and for all practical purposes, if being a virgin is being penetrated by a man, am still one. My hubby is kindda short and also a little heavy...but he has good features and is reasonably good looking. He loves to go down on me and try diffferent things. The problem is that I don't get excited by him, like get wet. He tries to finger me and kiss me and other things but it just doesn't work So, I was beginning to think that something is wrong with him, till I met one of his friends recently. I realised that when I talk to this guy, or am just in his complany I get really aroused. Of course this guy has no clue and I will never tell him,but I guess I can get turned on. I often wonder what it would be like to be with him, but its just fantasy!!!So, I am not sure why we share great chemistry with some and not so much with others. Any ideas??? Link to post Share on other sites
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