What my husband got me for Christmas...

[gilbert]

This was the worse Christmas ever for me. My husband gave me a new mixer (kitchenaid about $300.00), perfume (I don't like) and a small figurine that I know he bought about 6 months ago.

 

So, I thinking that he didn't put much thought into his gift giving. He also gave me a card (with money in it) and signed it "love, a___". He usually writes " I love you" but not this time. My feelings were very hurt but I didn't say anything.

 

I have been posting for a couple of months now, so it's hard to repeat all my problems over and over again. But it is getting worse as the months go by. He told me 2 months ago that I have made him miserable for the last 23 years (he said he didn't want a divorce) and since then we haven't said very much to each other. We also have not had sex going on 3 months. He won't kiss me or touch me.

 

I think in my head I was giving it until Christmas to see if he would make a move and he has not. Now it has been so long, I don't know how to make a move toward him or what to say. Christmas Eve, the kids were in bed, I had candles burning, wine poured and he went to bed and left me alone in the living room. I played santa alone and then went to bed and cried myself to sleep. My stomach is in my throat just writing this.

 

Any thoughts from anyone?

[whichwayisup]

Have you gone to marriage counselling yet? If not, it's time to go.

 

I'm sorry you had a not so good Christmas. I think what he did by going to bed and not to help being Santa really sucked! Not only for you, but he took something away from himself by not doing something for the kids.

 

You need to talk to him and lay it all out on the line. You're hurting right now and honestly if you hold it in and not tell him you will feel worse. Getting out will atleast make you feel better and maybe he'll actually HEAR you, not just listen and nod like he knows what you're feeling. Make him understand what his actions are doing to you.

 

Pick a time when the kids aren't home, maybe send them on a playdate or to the grandparents house. Sit down and talk. Make sure it's during the day or hopefully the grandparents can take the kids for a sleepover. Conversations like that shouldn't be done in the evening, it's too much to digest at that hour.

 

Keep posting and I hope you're feeling better.

[smile95]

aw that made me so sad to read. I was going to say when I first read it that at least he got you something(my ex BF never got me a thing, so anything to me was great) but I read on about the wine and that is sad. Do you know what casued all this? I hope that he will work with you in couseling...hope you have a good 2006. Something I used to do was "ok I will wait until ____ and see if things change" they never did and I was expecting them to at that time and when they did not, I was even more hurt and disappointed.

[HokeyReligions]

I think in my head I was giving it until Christmas

 

It might be in your mind, but not in his. Sounds to me like you two need to learn how to communicate with each other instead of side-stepping around each other. A counselor can help you learn how to communicate in a non-confrontational manner and help you learn how to really listen to each other and not immediately become defensive or angry. There are ways for people to communicate effectively even when they are hurting and angry.

 

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but setting up goals for him, and for you, only in your mind is only hurting yourself and increasing the barrier between the two of you.

[happymadison]

so what would have been your idea of good gifts??? Is it about the money, or the gifts themselves? its hard for some people to buy gifts, and the women are ususally no help. "Anything will be ok dear", then they sulk themselves to death when its not a 6 month carribean vacation and a trunk full of cash. this is difficult for people in a normal situation, much less your situation.

 

So, i'm curiuos as to what he could have done in your mind to make it a GREAT christmas.

 

FOr me, i had a great xmas---my mother had a broken rib---that is the greatest gift i have ever had, especially with her 2 bouts of breast cancer and the "spot " on the lung turns out to be a rib crack. it takes very little for some to be happy it seems. besides that , i really got nothing--i would have liked the mixer........

[gilbert]

I'm not sure if my husband would go to counseling and my Pastor is my daughter's father in-law. Can't talk to him. I guess there are other pastors to call but I don't know who. Anyway, I don't think I can wait that long. I need to do something soon or I'm going to lose it.

 

It's not that either one of us needs to say "I'm sorry" and I would if I thought it would help. My feeling is that my husband is the man and he needs to be a man and make this right. In the past when we have had a disagreement, I would be the one to make things better. Now I refuse. I know I sound very childest but I can't help it. I feel like if he is not the one to start the recovery he will only continue in the same patterns of the past.

 

I'm beginning to think it will take something drastic before he will see just how much I do love him and love me again the way he use to. Or I will have to accept the fact that he may not love me anymore.

[Mz. Pixie]

Actually, if you trust your Pastor, I'd go to him.

 

I doubt very seriously that he would repeat your problems to your daughter in law. They are usually pretty confidential. Pick a time during the day to go to his office and stress to him that you want this kept between the two of you.

 

I'm sorry Christmas wasn't what you wanted it to be!

[jmargel]

Sounds like you two are brother & sister more than husband and wife.

 

"My feeling is that my husband is the man and he needs to be a man and make this right. In the past when we have had a disagreement, I would be the one to make things better."

 

In what book does it say 'Well since he is a MAN it is HIS responsibility to make this right?". Kinda like saying to your brother 'You messed up our room so you better clean it'.

 

There maybe a chance that he is immature. I've know people in their 50s as being immature and people who are only 18 who are very mature. Maturity doesn't necessarily grow with age. You two have big communication issues. Please check out my link in my signature. Also try going to counseling by yourself. It doesn't have to be a pastor. Find a good licensed one in your area. You have nothing to lose by doing it.

[whichwayisup]

Then don't talk to your paster, talk to a therapist. Someone away from the Church.

 

I do hope you consider it.

[SamandBran]

Sorry to hear about your Christmas. Ironically enough, this was me and my husband's first Christmas and he didn't get me anything but he spoiled me so much the few months prior that I completely understood.

 

Like many others have said, I would suggest marriage counseling. You don't have to go to a Pastor, but maybe a psychologist, like a doctor that specializes in analyzing marital problems.

 

I used to want to be this type of Psychologist and I think it would be great for you two to have a "middle man" that would help to get you two to talk to each other or at least about the problem more in depth.

 

In the meantime, I would try to focus on my children and maybe get out and do things with your girl friends, so you won't be so worried about him because you said you need to do something now. I can understand that feeling. You have been married 23 years, so you must know that sometimes, you just have to go.

 

Hopefully, he'll be willing to go with you. If he doesn't feel the need to put forth the effort to help you fix your marriage, I would suggest separation. This might be a wake-up call for him and make him more alert to your pain and what you are going through.

 

Now, don't say anything that you aren't willing to go through with though because if he calls your bluff and you end up backing out of actually making him leave for awhile, then he will never take you seriously.

 

Just recently, I was having trust issues with my husband and I asked him to go to his friend's house for awhile and he knows that I hate his friend's wife, so if I'm telling him to go there then he knew I wasn't playing. He began talking definitely and we worked things out. The same will most likely happen for you but only if he sees that you aren't playing.

 

In reality, you two might need the time apart...whether you choose marriage counseling or not, in order to save your marriage from divorce.

 

Good luck, hon and I pray that things get better for the two of you.

 

"I love to see people in love and to see marriages work."

[sparticuss]

Plenty of thoughts Gilbert.

First and foremost don't expect my sympathies. Cops hate Christmas. Becasue it's the highest day of the year for suicides. Almost all of these suicides are from desperately lonely, recentley divorced dads, denied even visitaiton access for Christmas.

I'll save my sympathies for them

 

Secondly you actually have it pretty good.

 

Finally you arre a hooting and a howling about how rotten your life is, (when it itsn't) but then you are sitting back and sulking like a spoiled kid waiting for somebody else to fix it.

 

How did you last behave when your husband WAS interested in sex bu t you weren,t Stay wiht me lady cause I'm now going to tell you something about men that no woman everknew.

- A mans biggest sexual turn on is not female looks but female horniess.

- And the biggest turn off is hostility to sex. (So how much did you abuse him the last time he was interested but you weren't.)

 

So if youv'e convinced him that you dont like sex then thats the absoloute mega turnoff.

 

So what are you doing. Making the moves on him and doiing other things to convince him that you like sex perhaps? Oh no no no!!! You are siting back sulking and waiting for him to fix it. Wont happen.

[gilbert]

Thank you for your advice. It was very kind. My marriage has not always been this way. Like I said, we have been together for 23 years. For most of our marriage, we have always talked things through and made it work. So I am not sure why he seems to have given up unless he has really stopped loving me. (which I can not accept). How can someone be with someone for this long and not love them? Maybe we do sound like brother and sister but that's what happens when you have been married so long. (and yes, jmargel, I read your article, but I live in the real world and things don't always work according to the BOOK).

 

I'm still not convinced that I should talk with someone about my problems. I have always been a very private person, just posting here is a real step for me. I don't share with even my best friend. I am a Virgo and I'm into things being pretty perfect, and to admit to someone else that my marriage is not perfect means that I would have to admit to failure. (i know, sounded funny when I read it too)

 

For the last week, he has been friendly with me, talking about the weather, things in the news but nothing personal. So after reading all the comments yesterday, I thought I would try and talk with him last night. I took my bath early and when I walked into the bedroom he was already asleep, (at 9:00 pm). Things like that is what's making me crazy. He has become this old man that I don't like very much. I am only 45 and I feel like my life is over. And I can not even express what not having sex is doing to me. I don't want another man, I want my husband back.

 

Why does everyone want me to go to counseling? Is that the only way to fix this? I know we have to talk this out but I just don't know when that will happen. I still think he should make the first move. In my heart I know that if he doesn't I will never believe that he truly loves me.

 

One more thing, when I wrote about what I got for Christmas, I was trying to show that what I wanted was him not gifts that he didn't give any thought to. Even a mercy F*** would have been better than that stupid mixer.

[SamandBran]

You tell him, Gilbert...lol.

 

The reason why most of us suggest counseling is because it takes TWO to make a marriage work. If one stops putting forth that effort, the other one cannot make the now distant spouse do anything.

 

However, a marriage counselor is a professional at what they do and because of credentials alone, most people will listen to him/her over their spouse who has no education in the area of marriage besides experience.

 

It is up to you to pick one that you think knows what they are talking about and don't just grab the first one out of the phone book. If they don't know what they are saying then they can steer both of you wrong. Check their credentials and maybe ask around if anyone can recommend a good one.

 

I know how you feel about being private because I see plenty of couples that never complain about their lives. But, when something big happens, like a huge blowout fight or one spouse moves out....we are all shocked.

 

Sometimes, it is good to have at least one person to talk to about things that happen in your marriage. Pick someone that can be honest, yet, sympathetic to you. For me, this person is my sister. She used to never tell me anything about her marriage until I got married myself or unless things were really bad. I guess she felt that I couldn't relate. But, even if you aren't married, most people are still in serious relationships and can understand most relationship issues. Some are very common believe it or not.

 

On that note, I know that you will do what is best for you, but when I post, it is advice directly from my own experience or what I know I would do if I was in someone's shoes.

 

And you don't have to explain yourself to anyone about the way you two are or why you hated your Christmas gifts. I can very much understand everything you said and if you have been married 23 years, you are doing something right. Continue to work on your problems the best way you can and Congratulations on such a long marriage.

 

Good luck!!!!

[newbby]

i understand you not wanting to go to counselling. just wondering though, although you would rather not do that, have you tried really communicating about this. perhaps in the past when your husband was committed to making things work, he would be the one who took the lead in working these things out. if he is not being an active participant in the marriage now, then that means you will have to be the one to take charge. you never know, it could be good for you.

tell him that you love him and you want to work this out or split up for good. either one of those is acceptable, being stuck in limbo is not.

[SmoochieFace]

Plenty of thoughts Gilbert.

First and foremost don't expect my sympathies. Cops hate Christmas. Becasue it's the highest day of the year for suicides. Almost all of these suicides are from desperately lonely, recentley divorced dads, denied even visitaiton access for Christmas.

I'll save my sympathies for them

 

Secondly you actually have it pretty good.

 

Finally you arre a hooting and a howling about how rotten your life is, (when it itsn't) but then you are sitting back and sulking like a spoiled kid waiting for somebody else to fix it.

 

How did you last behave when your husband WAS interested in sex bu t you weren,t Stay wiht me lady cause I'm now going to tell you something about men that no woman everknew.

- A mans biggest sexual turn on is not female looks but female horniess.

- And the biggest turn off is hostility to sex. (So how much did you abuse him the last time he was interested but you weren't.)

 

So if youv'e convinced him that you dont like sex then thats the absoloute mega turnoff.

 

So what are you doing. Making the moves on him and doiing other things to convince him that you like sex perhaps? Oh no no no!!! You are siting back sulking and waiting for him to fix it. Wont happen.

 

Wow, that was real classy!

 

You should pick up a case of Foster's and hook up with Alpha... you two would be wonderful for each other.

 

Always the woman's fault... never the husband's, right?

[gilbert]

Thank You both (SamandBran and newbby) so much. I have actually smiled for the first time today.

 

At lunch today, I went by his work and asked if he had time to talk. He didn't but said we would talk after he got off tonight. I am so scared. My heart is beating so fast. I have been practicing all day as to what to say. Everything that comes into my head doesn't sound right. I think I will listen to your advice and say what newbby suggested. I think I should stick to my instinct and listen to what he has to say first. I just know I can not go on this way. I'm thinking about it all the time and can get nothing done.

 

Thanks again, wish me luck.

[Lishy]

If he KNOWS you are really serious then this will be make or break time. Lets hope and pary that it's make time!

 

Good luck hon keep us informed!

[Sneakee Monkee]

Hi, Gilbert:

 

I'm actually new on here, and this is my first post/reply- but I felt compelled to throw my opinion in!

 

Maybe something is going on physically w/ your hubby. Sometimes the simplest answers are the ones overlooked because they'd be "too easy." I'm assuming here, but are you both late 40-50ish? Maybe he needs a checkup, and knows it, but doesn't want to deal with it? Might even the dreaded mid-life crisis situation.

 

If there's not a new stressor in your family life, I mean, if nothing outwardly noticable is changing, maybe it's something going on w/ Hubby inside.

 

I know you're frustrated and scared, and feeling alone- I'm so sorry about your Christmas- but don't hold yourself so responsible for his actions as of yet, as to me, it seems your doing.

 

I hope your talk goes well tonight- warm thoughts...

[Walk]

Why does everyone want me to go to counseling? Is that the only way to fix this? I know we have to talk this out but I just don't know when that will happen. I still think he should make the first move. In my heart I know that if he doesn't I will never believe that he truly loves me.

 

I have two things to say...

 

Counseling only works if you want it to. If you believe it won't work, then it won't. Just like anything else in life. If you do go, be willing to open up, and be willing to accept his/her advice.

 

Secondly... are you ready to watch your marriage disintegrate? If you give up now, then it will. Don't give up. Don't wait for him to make the first move. Don't allow your pride to stop you from fixing what you know is wrong. There are so many times in our lives where we look at our partner and think they owe us an apology, or they need to make the first step. But when they don't... the relationship crumbles beneath us as we wait.

 

I'm just saying (and I may be wrong), sometimes we feel we shouldn't have to give any more, but it's not about giving too much, or the other not giving enough... it's about rebuilding a failing relationship. Sometimes, some people don't have the knowledge, or the strength, to fix what they know is wrong. Don't let it slide out beneath you when you do still have the ability to fix this, simply because of pride. The two of you need every single source of energy, and knowledge you can combine. Even if it does come from a counselor/therapist. Use everything you can, and need, to rebuild this.

 

I see 23 years as something wonderful, and worth every ounce of fight you have in you. Don't let it slip out from under you. I know pride can do some horrible things to relationships, just make sure you're not allowing it to ruin yours.

[Neptune]

gilbert,

Your husband saying you have made him miserable for 23 years is a strong statement. Let`s hope it is an overstatement. But, regardless of whether you get counceling or communicate with him one on one, you need to find out what made him miserable. And decide if it can be fixed.

[Becoming]

I hate to be the one to mention this, but could he be having an affair?

 

I'm the same age, married 25 yrs., am private, too. But when my marriage, which I value highly, is in trouble (as all are from time to time), I seek help because I'd rather be embarassed than divorced.

 

I know pastors. Some are qualified to help you. Most aren't. Find a qualified marriage counselor and forget going to your pastor.

 

I'm sorry for your sad Christmas--not the gifts but Christmas eve and attempts to connect with your husband when he's obviously checked out of the marriage emotionally. I know how bad this hurts.

 

I also know about setting deadlines and wanting him to make the first move. I've wasted lots of time doing that silliness, as someone else suggested. You're going to have to bridge the gap yet again and find out what's going on.

 

I also know that telling him you need some things from him and that you're going to have to leave would've helped wake my husband up years earlier than it happened. Had I indeed followed through on this, which I eventually did, things would have been better earlier.

 

Some folks just don't seem to have any emotional intelligence. I'm married to one. He learns very sloooowly, and I have to be patient. I used to think it was a power play, but it's not. He's pretty much clueless as to what's broken when it is, why, and how to make it better, so I've had to learn that since this is one of my strengths, I have to use it for the benefit of our relationship.

[gilbert]

I have good news today. We talked for most of the night. Ended up making love and falling asleep in each other arms. My heart feels like its on the mend. I know we still have alot of work, the subject of counseling did not come up. We agreed to continue the conversation until we both feel resolved. I know its a start.

 

Yes, despite what I thought I wanted, I had to make the first move. When he came in from work I did wait for him to start the conversation. But he wanted to know what "I" wanted to talk about. So here I go, trying to be ever so careful with my words. I did say what newbby suggested. I said that I loved him and wanted to work on what is wrong or I wanted to end this here and now. Living in limbo was killing me. He said he still loved me and wanted no one but me. Boy, what a relief. I was beginning to wonder about an affair also.

 

We both agreed that alot of him being so tired all the time is about work (he owns his own business) and his diabetes. He takes his meds and checks his sugar every day but I know this has alot to do with how he is feeling. So the first thing we have to work on is his health. Getting him to feel better. And he agreed to make more of an effort. I don't have time to say everything that we talked about but I know we have made a major step in our healing.

 

We did look at our pile of good things in our marriage v/s the bad things and the good gives us both a reason to continue in our relationship. Today, I have hope. I can live with that.

 

Thank you to everyone for the advice and listening so kindly to me these last few days. I can not tell you how much it has helped.

[whichwayisup]

That's great!! Keep on being positive and good things will happen.

[Becoming]

Yeah!

 

Best wishes!

[Sneakee Monkee]

That is great news Gilbert!