Little Annoyances

[vettedreams2001]

Ok, so my wife and I are in this huge fight because I asked her to do something that she hasn't done in about a month, I told her to put something in the sink after she was through with it. Now that might not seem like a big thing but let's go back to the past; she would set things out that she had used and not put them back or put things in their places (trash, clothes hamper, dresser drawer, etc...) well I have brought this up before and she has worked on these things to improve life for us...well me anyway. I told her to put the thing in the sink out of habit. But then we got into a fight about that, so when you're at war sometimes you gotta bring out the guns. So I went on...later mind you.... that other things are annoying and cause me to get frustated such as moving her toothbrush from in front of the soap dispenser so I don't get...stuff, on it after using the facilities, leaving shoes in the middle of the floor, so when I get up in the morning it doesn't start by tripping over them in the dark. When looking through the mail to put it back into the envelope instead of skattering it everywhere (I file the mail into the file cabinet). Things such as this get on my nerves because they affect how I live in the household and cause me to spend my time cleaning up after her like a child. Is this one of those things that are nit picking or do I have a valid complaint?

[JadeStar]

I understand you would like things to be a certain way, we all do to a point. However, yes some of these things are kind of nit-picky. Especailly the whole thing with the toothbrush. So what if its not exact, its not a tragedy. However, some people with OCD might beg to differ on that. Have you ever been checked for that? There are different forms of OCD(Obsessive Complusive Disorder), it can range from being mildly OCD to it being really bad for some people. It can ruin or take over peoples lives. If you haven't checked into it, it might be worth looking into. Here is a link that will tell you a little about it. Understand I'm not saying you have that, because I'm no doc, but it could be possible that you are displaying a few of those traits. The fact you become upset or aggrivated too with things not being the way you want them might be a sign as well.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OCD

 

 

 

 

Jade

[travellingman]

do I have a valid complaint?

 

Yes. My wife is a slob, and I've got to constantly ask her to do basic things around the house. And she's got it easy because we have a cleaning lady who comes twice a week.

 

Some people are naturally more messy than others, not much you can do about it.

[Craig]

If that is the worst you can come up with as a problem in your marriage then you should count your blessings.

 

I am led to believe that in the average "good" marriage each partner is likely to have 10 to 15 little things that bug the heck out of their partner. These sound like little things (relatively speaking) to me though I can understand your frustration.

[Becoming]

You could be married to my husband (except that's not legal here;))!

 

I don't think you have OCD. I think you just like life orderly, right? I'm projecting based on my own troubles with these annoying things. It drives me nuts to have my space really messy. I'm not talking about some clutter; I'm talking about really messy.

 

After 20 years of fighting difference on this, I either had to compromise or leave. We bought a big old house. Now he can do whatever he wants in the basement. That's his space, and it looks like a seriously deranged Unibomber or something lives down there. I moved into my own bedroom because I can't stand all his mess in what was our bedroom. There are happy conjugal visits, but I retreat to my own clean, well-lit space to sleep and wake up in. He also has his own armoire we can just close in the living room where his computer is.

 

Craig's right, as he often is. You're gonna have to learn to work around this. I went for years assigning deep hidden meanings to this: "If he really loved me, he'd respect my needs for orderliness." I saw it as a symbol of disrespect when, in fact, he's just a slob. A neat, orderly house isn't important to him. Happy children and working hard at his job are. And in the grand scheme of things, I think he's got his priorities right. So I've learned to let it go.

 

But it helps to rant once in a while, huh?

[JadeStar]

Wheather you have some OCD traits or not, you need to communicate to your wife how this bothers you. If you have, and she continues to do this, then maybe accept the fact she is just being a slob. Could be too since you both share a different view on what needs to be oderly ect, its possbile her view could be that you wanting her to be orderly is that maybe she feels its a bit much on your end. She views it as nit-picky etc. Maybe it drives her crazy for you to want these things done just as it drives you crazy that she wont do these things. Could be to, that she doesn't do anything about it, cuz she knows chances are you will come behind her and do it yourself. Have you asked her why she doesn't do these things? If so, what is her answer? I'm sure there could be some kind of compromise between you both on the matter.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[Outcast]

Things such as this get on my nerves because they affect how I live in the household and cause me to spend my time cleaning up after her like a child. Is this one of those things that are nit picking or do I have a valid complaint?

 

Expecting someone else live to your standards is nitpicky. Where the shoes are concerned - where safety is concerned, then I think you have a stronger case. The rest is about the way you think a house should be versus how your wife feels about it. The solution in this particular case is that the person who wants the neater home takes the responsibility for making it neater.

 

This wouldn't apply if she left the dishes in the living room or left her dirty clothes on the floor but the things you're talking about are about arranging things in different order than you feel they should be arranged.

 

If she prefers to put the dishes on the counter instead of in the sink and you get all antsy if they're not in the sink, then it's your issue so you put them in the sink. Same with the envelopes and the toothbrush, etc.

[vettedreams2001]

Now I know I'm not OCD, the problem I have is consideration, if there was somebody that parked in the middle of the street because they found it easier than parking, that would be rude, correct. So if somebody puts something in the way where everyone in the household used the item...constantly, I find that rude. I know that things shouldn't be in their "proper" spots but at least where they're not a pain in the butt. Whatever happened to people taking responsibility for themselves and not making someone else pick up after them. I am sure there are a lot of people with lazy spouses that can comprehend this.

[Outcast]

the problem I have is consideration, if there was somebody that parked in the middle of the street because they found it easier than parking, that would be rude, correct. So if somebody puts something in the way where everyone in the household used the item...constantly, I find that rude.

 

You have chosen to interpret this as 'lack of consideration'; i.e. a deliberate decision to be inconsiderate. Now you are angry because you have deemed her 'rude' based on this interpretation. You could have chosen 'forgetful' , 'absent-minded', or even 'scatterbrained' as your interpretation but instead you have chosen 'inconsiderate'. I put it to you that your grief comes from the assumptions you make.

[Freyja]

Ok, so my wife and I are in this huge fight because I asked her to do something that she hasn't done in about a month, I told her to put something in the sink after she was through with it. Now that might not seem like a big thing but let's go back to the past; she would set things out that she had used and not put them back or put things in their places (trash, clothes hamper, dresser drawer, etc...) well I have brought this up before and she has worked on these things to improve life for us...well me anyway. I told her to put the thing in the sink out of habit. But then we got into a fight about that, so when you're at war sometimes you gotta bring out the guns. So I went on...later mind you.... that other things are annoying and cause me to get frustated such as moving her toothbrush from in front of the soap dispenser so I don't get...stuff, on it after using the facilities, leaving shoes in the middle of the floor, so when I get up in the morning it doesn't start by tripping over them in the dark. When looking through the mail to put it back into the envelope instead of skattering it everywhere (I file the mail into the file cabinet). Things such as this get on my nerves because they affect how I live in the household and cause me to spend my time cleaning up after her like a child. Is this one of those things that are nit picking or do I have a valid complaint?

 

There you go, you've told her before and shes making efforts to change her habits and adjusting to your habits. She doesn't have to you know, but as you've said she's making efforts so maybe you should be more appreciative. I mean it could be the other way round aswell right? She might expect you to adjust to her ways.

 

Although these little things can be annoying, I think you can just tell her few times you dislike it and then get off her case. Afterall its her choice. Anyway I think you should give it more time and see how things improve as you've mentioned that she has tried to change. Maybe its difficult for her to get out of those habits so a bit of patience may help.

 

Anyways, good luck.

[JayKay]

My boyfriend and I have had terrible arguments from time to time over petty little stuff; I leave dishes in the sink, he wants the sink spotlessly clean. I drip water on the bathroom floor, he doesn't.

 

In other words, he's a neater person than I am. It has taken years for me to adjust to his expectations and for him to accomodate the fact that I don't always 'see' the mess that he sees.

 

And let's flip this scenario, shall we?

 

In my eyes, you can easily spend your life getting freaked out over every crumb on the floor or every ball of dog hair wafting under the kitchen table...or you can try to be a little more relaxed about things. Do you want to come home after work and spend two hours cleaning house, or do you want to sit down, have a cup of joe and spend some time relaxing and making conversation?

 

My boyfriend's come part way to meet me too; we can have a perfect house or we can spend some time with each other and have an almost-perfect house.

 

Have you made any compromises, OP?

Or are you keeping your wife walking on eggshells to make you happy?

 

 

 

Think it over.

[Thinkalot]

I think compromise is the key, and differences between messy and neat people can certainly cause continuing conflicts and they can be valid...but you shouldnt let such things destroy your relationship. Communicate how you feel, how it makes you feel etc...and try and find a middle ground...where she does a bit more, and you let some stuff just roll.

 

Or like one poster said, maybe have a space that is all yours.

[It's all good]

if you ask someone to do just a few small things and they don't respond. I am the caretaker of the house hold. Granted it's not spotless because I am chasing after a two year old all day who scatters everything everywhere, but having people live with you who don't pick up after themselves tends to feel like they don't really care about you or your efforts to keep things orderly. It benifits HER as well when all is clean and tidy, right? maybe she just expects You to clean it up because that's what you always do. She know's it will get done by you because you always do it. What would happen if you left all of that stuff where it was? Would it eventually get cleaned up by her? I know it prob. kills you to see things messy and it leaves you feeling uneasy. Clean spaces make some people feel less stressed out. I have been trying to get my family to pick up after themselves and even talked about it to my shrink at one point because it felt like a constant slap in the face. She suggested that I find ways to get them to help out. Sounds like you've talked to her about it but not much has changed. Fighting a losing battle I'm afraid. I have left dishes in the sink for 6 days just to see if anyone would touch them. I got so sick of looking at them I did them myself. I wonder if there is a solution to this problem. making family members feel guilty about their lack of concern doesn't help, screaming doesn't help, ignoring doesn't help. What will?

[Outcast]

It

feels disrespectful...

if you ask someone to do just a few small things and they don't respond. I am the caretaker of the house hold. Granted it's not spotless because I am chasing after a two year old all day who scatters everything everywhere, but having people live with you who don't pick up after themselves tends to feel like they don't really care about you or your efforts to keep things orderly. It benifits HER as well when all is clean and tidy, right?

 

According to him, it's not that she doesn't pick up, just that she doesn't put things away exactly the way he would put them away. Big difference.

[SamandBran]

My husband and I are in constant argument about how he doesn't help me as far as cleaning around the house. And while I should be "counting my blessings" that this is the biggest issue in our household, it is still very stressful for me to come home from work and clean up everything he messed up.

 

We both work and I actually work more than he does b/c he's in the military and almost every other weekend for him is a 3-day or 4-day off weekend. I don't mind having to work more but I'm like, can you at least clean up some b/c you are home?

 

And I do not have OCD either, it's just nice to have things put back in their respective places. Like a toothbrush has a holder for a reason and for instance, I bought a towel rack to hang our towels on and my husband still used to leave his balled up near the soap in the shower. Not only is it unattractive to the house, some of the things he does, but nasty habits do get in the way when you are attempting to run an orderly household.

 

Some people that may think, Vette is nitpicky, may be nasty themselves and on the defense. Because I am clean and I know I am not a neat psycho freak, I would at least like things to go back in their places so we can both find things when we need them. I probably waste hours a week of my precious time off, cleaning and looking for items such as Lysol that was tucked away with the bread.

 

I love my husband too death but I told him if he doesn't get it together, I am going to hire a maid to come in as much as she has to to keep the majority of our house neat then we will do the small basic stuff ourselves.

 

Mind you, I also have a one year old, but I feel like I have 2 kids the way we are going. And I have to admit it sucks.

 

Good luck, Vette and maybe if your wife doesn't get her act together, you should consider a cleaning service at least once a week as well.

[SamandBran]

I agree with Jay. Everyone sees things differently and there should be compromise, so if I were you, I would not chase after my wife everytime she leaves her toothbrush somewhere other than the holder, but, like I suggested before, I would tell her that we are hiring someone to do the cleaning around the house from time to time.

 

As the woman of the house, she might feel threatened by this and decide to clean up more. I know I would not like the idea of another woman coming to clean my house, like I had failed or something. But, If she doesn't care, then oh well, at least you'll be happy b/c the house is clean and you can spend more time relaxing instead of cleaning.

 

Good luck again and let us know how things turned out.

[his wife]

Note: I do clean up the house. It is in no way that our house is "messy" its a bit junky b/c we just moved in and have yet to get everything unpacked. and we own way more crap than any normal person should. He simply has a very specific way in which he wants things done. His shirts should be folding in a certain manner so as they all fit neatly in his drawers. My toothbrush is annoying b/c it is in his way. Which sometimes i'm sure it is. As for the shoes, he usually has 2 or 3 pairs of shoes in the livingroom as compaired to my one pair. We have 3 dogs so the house must be vaccummed every day sometimes pushed to every other day. I cook dinner, do dishes, get the baby ready in the morning, bath the baby...etc... normal everyday house running items. Which yes he does share in. He does not always fold the laudry and put it away right away himself. So as far as i am concerned my toothbrush placement is the furthest thing from being a huge annoyance. Like I stated earlier we have 3 dogs. I feel that as soon as he gets home he should verify that no dogs have used the basement as a potty and promptly remove any such items he may find. He however finds it to be a lower priority as to say looking something up on the computer. we all have annoyances with those we live with. I however was taught that the small stuff you should suck up and move along with life. If you pick at your partner for every tiny thing they will start to resent you. I now fold his shirts "his" way, and do alot of things his way. However, I don't see why my FREAKING toothbrush has to be his way! I can't have my drawers my way or my anything my way b/c it annoys him??? what about how it annoys me to have to think about if i put things in the correct spot? How about the pressure it adds on top my my job, the baby and life in general to have to have everything down to the toothbrush placement perfect? And when our house is completely spotless and dirt free b/c he does it then he can tell me where my toothbrush goes. However I still see his shoes in the living room so alas. We are where we are. Shoes in the living room and toothbrushes randomly set on the sink

[vettedreams2001]

Thank you SamandBran, that's what I'm talking about. It's not the fact that she doesn't put things in a certain spot. Let's focus on the toothbrush thing and get it nailed down. Ok the soap dispenser is on the right hand side of the faucet, next to the cold water valve, she used to (after the fight she moved it) place her toothbrush in front of the dispenser, a direct line from where you would stand if you washed your hands to the soap dispenser, now if you aren't nasty and if you wash your hands after you went to the bathroom, then the toothbrush would block use of the dispenser, at that point in time you could do one of a few things, usually I would knock it to the left with my wrist so I could kill the germs that reside on my hands. I don't pee on my hands but I do have to control the stream, so I would need to wash. Now is that understandable to the folks that don't get it. It doesn't have to be in a specific spot just not in front of the soap dispenser. As for the shoes.... you know what I'll think of something. Thank you guys

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Craig, if this is all that bugs you about your wife, hey, you've got a great marriage.

 

I am lazy, a procrastinator. My husband is somewhere inbetween...He has his moments of letting things go, being messy and those times when things have to be done his way. It's all about compromise. Suggest to her if she can do her best to keep the bathroom tidy and organized, you won't care about the bedroom or livingroom. Little things go a long way. For me, the kitchen and the bathroom are always neat and clean. The bedroom?? Complete mess. He doesn't mind that, though when it gets really bad he does get on my case to pick things up off the floor and get rid of junk that has piled up (ya know what I'm talking about...lol) and be more organized. As long as he sees me making the effort, that's good enough for him. Your wife needs to make that effort so you will feel better!

 

I guess there are tons of things spouses do that set off the other person. Right now I can think of atleast 10 things my husband did today that were really annoying! I do my best to not let it get to me and I try to look at the humour side of it.

 

Good luck and keep posting! (Oh, maybe put a nightlight in the bathroom!)

[Outcast]

at that point in time you could do one of a few things, usually I would knock it to the left with my wrist so I could kill the germs that reside on my hands. I don't pee on my hands but I do have to control the stream, so I would need to wash. Now is that understandable to the folks that don't get it.

 

Nope. All you had to do was move the omnipresent toothbrush before you grab your goodies. Problem solved. Taking all of a nanosecond. Really, far too big a deal. Ever hear 'don't sweat the small stuff'? This, friend, is miniscule stuff.

[Mz. Pixie]

Or relocate the soap dispenser.

[SamandBran]

Most of you are concentrating too hard on a misplaced toothbrush and soap dispenser. If you are the cleaner one in the household, you know that all the "little" things add up to a very big nasty house.

 

If that was all his wife was doing, of course, he would have the energy to move the toothbrush but I'm sure it is not. He listed quite a few other things too. I believe it boils down to being considerate of the person that you have to live with for the rest of your life.

 

It goes both ways. If my hubby complained to me about something I was doing, I would work on changing it. Which he hardly ever does though. lol.

 

Good luck, Vette and keep the fight on!

[Perce]

Here's a similar annoyance...but weird!

My husband thinks he's a "neat freak", and gets annoyed when I don't put things in their place (happens rarely), or when my son has strewn toys about the basement. But, the weird thing is, I have to pick up after him all the time! - pots and pans in the sink, dishes on the counter (above the dishwasher), cardboard boxes/ paper/ cans on counter instead of in the recycling.

I don't get it!!!