Anyone else miss being single?

[new-to-this]

I have been married 3 years, together 5 and miss my freedom. My H lets me do what ever I want in regards to joining a sports team, hanging out with friends once in a while. I have a part-time job I love and take care of our daughter during the day. Seems lately I can't wait to leave the house! I can leave all the worry behind and really feel free to be myself. I am noticing that with this new freedom, after 2 years of being a stay at home mom, I am looking at other men, flirting, and miss being able to talk to them about whatever with our feeling like I'm doing something wrong! Even now as I type I am scared he will come home and see me writing and be pissed! I really miss having my own space and being able to be myself with no feelings of regret or worry about how he will feel if he knew. I also do not want him to hang with my friends and I because it won't be MY thing anymore it will be ours...we have enough ours. Is this normal?

[Kenyth]

You miss being single? Then divorce him! That doesn't sound good either, huh? I've got some advice for you then.

 

GROW UP!

 

You decided to get married and have children. I'll assume your security needs are now being met, but the cost of that is your freedom to be single. If you want to be single again, it will cost your marriage and your security. EVERYTHING has a price. You CAN'T have it all. It's time to face up to reality. That's just the way it is. Time to accept it and decide what's more important to you and what you want to do.

 

You're allowed to flirt a little if you want to for fun. You're allowed to have time to yourself and your group of friends. You are allowed to have your own life, hobbies and interests.

 

You're NOT allowed to exclude your husband from your life and run crazy with a bunch of singles. You're NOT allowed to have a bunch of friends he doesn't know, who don't want to know him. You have to spend time together as a group with him too. Even if it's just them dropping by to chat before going out by yourselves. Keep his feelings in mind and make them a priority over your friends. You are married after all and I hope you love him. Show proper respect for your marriage and you can have fun and be married too.

[Outcast]

Being an adult entails accepting responsibility. Sounds like you've decided you don't want to be a grownup anymore. You could try that for a while, but when your peers leave childisness behind, you'll look pretty sad as an aging kid dodging responsibility so she can have 'fun with no worries'.

[slubberdegullion]

Oh, I don't know if I buy all this "if you're single then you're irresponsible and selfish" stuff. To each their own, of course, but choosing to be single is often just that; a choice.

 

For me personally, I really enjoy being single. I don't see it as being irresponsible or selfish, I just see it as being the way I am and liking it.

[JayKay]

Hey guys, you're being pretty harsh....

 

 

Guess what, almost every committed/married person has doubts sometimes. And sometimes, just sometimes, a woman will confess to her very bestest friend, "Sometimes I miss those carefree days when I had no major responsibilities. Sometimes I wish I could flirt and date and be wooed and courted all over again."

 

OP, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. The thing is, it's what you DO with those feelings that makes the difference.

 

If you need some personal space, then take it. Everyone needs a break from being 'so-and-so's mother' and 'so-and-so's wife' from time to time. You should hang with your friends, play sports, have hobbies, etc.

 

The flirting you need to put a kabosh on, however. You are still adjusting to married life, believe it or not, and need to re-focus your energy back on your husband.

The flirting, I believe, is a form of escapism.

 

Listen, you don't get married and then suddenly know how to function as a married coupe. You LEARN how to function and work together through trial and error and over time. If you are feeling bored and trapped I suspect you two are having a communication breakdown.

 

It's time to re-establish a connection with your husband.

 

I think you also need to think about what is meaningful to you. Maybe you need more than playing sports and having a part-time job. Maybe you have considerable intelligence, creativity and energy and need something more. Like school or your own business, for example.

 

Ditching a great guy, a decent marriage and still-new marriage just because of some restless feelings would be tragic.

 

I think you are just having some growing pains. Face them.

[scobro]

My H lets me do what ever I want in regards to joining a sports team, hanging out with friends once in a while. I have a part-time job I love and take care of our daughter during the day.

Sounds like you have a pretty good life,good husband,friends, a daughter probably a nice home and car .....what are you looking for? someone to have an affair with so you can flush all that down the tubes and be a single mom???

You are married just enjoy it rather than think its so great being single.The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

[Kenyth]

Oh, I don't know if I buy all this "if you're single then you're irresponsible and selfish" stuff. To each their own, of course, but choosing to be single is often just that; a choice.

 

For me personally, I really enjoy being single. I don't see it as being irresponsible or selfish, I just see it as being the way I am and liking it.

 

 

You've got it all wrong. If you're MARRIED and want to act like you're single, then you're irresponsible and selfish. If you get married and have kids, then you accept the responsibilities that come with it along with the benefits. There's no going back cleanly.

[Outcast]

What Kenyth said. You marry, you've signed up to be a grownup. And she's complaining about having responsibilities and wishing there weren't any.

[JayKay]

And I'll reiterate...

 

those feelings are normal to have.

 

What she needs to do is learn to deal with those feelings and stay committed to her marriage.

 

Ask any married friend you have if they ever wish they could toss off their responsibilities from time to time; if they tell you 'no' they're lying.

 

Marriage is a growing process. Along the way, you will have mixed feelings, temptations and doubts. Anyone who tells you you won't is lying.

 

OP, try reading a book called 'Marriage Shock' and see if you can relate to anything in it.

[SamandBran]

I understand your feelings. I just got married and I don't think I was ready for it. But, like someone mentioned early, you want the security, so you have to grow up and accept everything that goes with it. Try to think of a career that you would like to pursue or do you like to paint? Maybe you don't feel like your life has enough meaning b/c most women that get married do as you do and stay home with the kids and take on jobs that won't really take them anywhere.

 

When women are single, they tend to be more ambitious b/c there is no one there to carry them financially.

 

I am still doing the same thing I did before I met my husband. I am a computer analyst, going to school, planning to get my certifications, hanging out with my girl friends and my hubby is my best friend, as well.

 

Over time, once you get busy moving your life forward for yourself, in terms of career or whatever you want to do (i.e. hobby - that you can't live without); hopefully, those feelings will disappear.

 

Good luck!

[a4a]

I. Seems lately I can't wait to leave the house! I can leave all the worry behind and really feel free to be myself. I am noticing that with this new freedom, after 2 years of being a stay at home mom, I am looking at other men, flirting, and miss being able to talk to them about whatever with our feeling like I'm doing something wrong!

 

I found it funny that a female poster got jumped on for stating that she is looking at men ...... considering it has been judged it is ok for married men to look at porn and other live women......including lap dances ect at friends bachelor parties (is that flirtation of sorts?)

 

Flirting can be as simple as saying hello to some. Of course the OP did not state the actual act of flirting she wanted to participate in.

 

OP you need to rekindle your marriage a bit. Communicate your feelings to your husband. It does not sound like you are ready to have an affair just miss some of the things that go along with a singles life.

 

a4a

[bab]

I think people are being awfully hard on her! I get the impression she is loosing a sense of self, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not liking that. She is more that just somebody's mom and somebody's wife. She didn't say that she's contemplating leaving, or having an affair, or leaving her child in the mall, just that she misses her freedom. I think everybody goes through this.

 

My advice is to devote sometime to your hobbies. Find something that defines you beyond your marriage and parenthood. When someone asks what do you do? It is a wonderful thing to be able to say, "I'm a stay at home mom". But, it sounds like it would do your heart some good to be able to say, "I'm a stay at home mom, and a painter (or whatever hobby you decide)". We all need our own identity.

 

Just be careful and don't go looking for that identity with another man.

[michaelk]

I echo the posters who've said your feelings are perfectly normal. I know that when you have young kids, sometimes the responsibilities of home and family can become overwhelming. It's important that you recognize and take care of your need for some 'me time'. It sounds like your H is supportive in this, so you're already better off than many mothers.

 

I am looking at other men, flirting, and miss being able to talk to them about whatever with our feeling like I'm doing something wrong! Even now as I type I am scared he will come home and see me writing and be pissed! I really miss having my own space and being able to be myself with no feelings of regret or worry about how he will feel if he knew.

 

Well, this is a bit of a red flag. If you're feeling and acting like you've got something to hide from your H, you may have a budding marital problem on your hands. Do you feel guilty for flirting? Or are you feeling in your heart that you'd like to do more than flirt? I can understand if you're looking to other men for a bit of positive feedback, but keep a tight rein on it! You could quickly find yourself in cheating territory.

 

You need to find the balance between making time for yourself and neglecting your marriage and family. You might think this is challenging, but look at your two-year-old and think about his/her needs. How would he/she fare without a healthy, happy family? That should put your feet on the right path pretty quickly.

[Clair]

If you don't like your husband may be it's better for both of you not to be married.

[michaelk]

If you don't like your husband may be it's better for both of you not to be married.

 

Where did she say that she doesn't like her husband? She only said that she enjoys being able to have some time that's for her alone. There's a world of difference.

[JayKay]

News Flash;

 

 

Sometimes you don't feel like being married.

 

Sometimes you don't feel like going to work.

 

Sometimes you don't feel like paying the bills.

 

Sometimes you don't feel like picking up your kids' crap that's lying all over the floor.

 

But that doesn't mean you automatically leave your husband, quit your job, stop paying bills or leave the house looking like a bomb hit it.

 

For the posters who are saying 'divorce him!' you must have never been married or never saddled with multiple responsibilities.

Haven't you ever felt overwhelmed, tired and stressed? Haven't you ever struggled with the tedium of daily life?

 

Either you never have or you seriously lack empathy. Try giving the OP some real advice.

[It's all good]

I never thought my post would evoke such comments!! I can actually feel you all shaking your finger at me through my computer! For those of you who understand my point of view thank you, for those of you who don't, thank you for the advice. My response:

 

I love my husband. He is a really good provider and dad. He works hard. I do have a house, a car and I appreciate all I have. I take really good care of my family and would do anything for them. I am in no way looking to get a divorce. I am in no way looking for an affair. I was just wondering if anyone else missed being single? I have a lot of responsibilities and now and then I would like to take a ME vacation. I know that is not possible but that doesn't mean I can't think about it. As for flirting, my H and I have an understanding, he is a flirt and it doesn't bug me because I know he won't go too far and loves me very much. Same here. Why can't I look and flirt with guys, they all know I am married and I won't do anyhthing. It's just nice to know that your still looked at as attractive and desired by others once in a while! Besides when I do flirt and come home I end up having great sex with my H because I feel good about myself. As for the porn aspect regarding men and my H, That is so much more degrading than what I am doing....don't like porn.

I do need help in the spice it up department as far as the bedroom goes. I guess I have just been so stressed I need more sleep than sex. It's hard when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night, your tired, stressed, have to get up early in the morning after going to bed late......people with kids know what I mean. I am not complaining, I signed up for this gig but stress happens, and I am trying to deal with it. Needed good advice, not a lecture from my parents.

[quankanne]

I'm with jaykay on this one: it's perfectly normal to have these feelings, but they improve with time. It helps having a spouse who understands your need to do your own thing, alone, on your own time, that constant togetherness isn't the solution to a healthy relationship. You want to retain that "sense of self" as you mature into the married life, though sometimes it feels foreign. I still catch myself longing for the opportunity to do things without the responsibility of a husband or house or career, and I've been an "adult" (i.e., had those responsibilities) for the past 15 years now!

 

just ease yourself through these feelings, but for pete's sake don't feel guilty about them! It's much better to consider them than bottle them up until they turn into resentment. In the meantime, savor those times you are able to be IAG without worrying about being Mommy, Wifey, Employee. It has nothing to do with you being a good parent or spouse or worker.

[Kenyth]

I want to say that I'm not trying to jump on you for FEELING that way. Especially since you're a newlywed. I may have been a little harsh.

 

I also want to say that looking and flirting is OK as long as it's done in moderation with your spouse's feelings kept in mind. Harmless flirting is good in the fact that it makes you feel more desirable and improves your self-image. Having your ego stroked a bit from time to time is a good thing for your mental well being. It also tells your spouse that you are still desirable and hopefully increases thier desire for you. It's good to stay connected to the fact that you are sexually desirable.

 

On the occasions my wife goes out alone with some friends and flirts a bit, she comes home feeling very sexy. A bit of a bonus for me!

[Clair]

May be I am different, but I think that if you love your husband, you wouldn't be needing other mens' attention. And if you are finding yourself looking at them a lot, wanting to be alone with them, may be you don't find your husband so appealing.

[JayKay]

And my last comments were directed at posters who were saying 'divorce him'

 

I wasn't wagging my finger at you, OP

[smile95]

geez. I guess the grass is always greener. I would give anythng to have a husband and a family right now. I am so tired of being single. Sure, I have freedom, but what fun is freedom when you have no one to share it with! Wanna switch?

[Bogun]

I agree that some of you are being too harsh on this woman. People aren't always happy in marriages, just as they arent always happy being single. This is just life, you have to take the good with the bad. To the OP, if you were single again, you'd have all the freedom you wanted, but you'd miss out on all the good things that having your husband brings to your life.

 

May be I am different, but I think that if you love your husband, you wouldn't be needing other mens' attention. And if you are finding yourself looking at them a lot, wanting to be alone with them, may be you don't find your husband so appealing.

 

I dont think she said that she wanted to be with other men, just that she misses flirting and talking to guys. There is nothing wrong with doing this. Flirting doesnt always have to evolve into a relationship. It can just be about having fun. In fact I've heard plenty of pyschologists say that flirting is a good thing to do, regardless of whether you are married. But you have to keep a boundary to how far you take the flirting.

[Thinkalot]

hi- i've been reading this thread with interest.

I have been married now for 8 months, and we've been together for about 4 and a half years, living together for nearly that whole time (we moved in together after about 3 months).

 

We love each other, have a good life together, two good paying jobs, no kids yet, lots of freedom to travel etc, and I also have my own sporting interests and so on. So very lucky. Yet, even so, from time to time I imagine how it would feel to be single and free, with life an open book before me, full of freedoms, where i dont have to consider anyone else. I do think that's normal, and no reflection of a marriage in trouble. Everyone from time to time imagines different versions of freedom, a different version of their life, or a change or whatever. Like others have said, what matters is how you handle those feelings when they rise. Accepting them as natural feelings which happen every now and then, and then continuing to respect your marriage, current life and focussing on all the good things in it, is the key i think. And remembering of course, the grass ISNT greener...lol.

 

And also, if you feel you are losing a sense of self, try and do your best to maintain it, in the midst of being a wife/mother etc. Not being a mum yet, I am yet to manage that part, but imagine it must be very hard sometimes.

[It's all good]

that you guys arn't judging me so harshly. I am a day dreamer. I tend to dream about another life that is all rosie and happy and free from any responsibility. I do know that doesn't exist. I am happy in this life. I guess Iv'e just lost that lov'in feelin for now. I need to find ways to make it new again. Like when we were first dating. We think the same thoughts and say them outloud at the same time on a regular basis. Kinda weird, but just goes to show that we are two of a kind. I guess with 35 looming around the corner and having not ever had the chance to be brave enough to be on my own I just wonder what it would be like. I want to go out and dance, have a drink and be relaxed and have fun, when we go out together it feels forced and we can never find anything fun to do, we end up going home to sleep, so I just figured single would be a lot more fun, but I guess you need someone to enjoy the fun with right? Why does 34 feel so old? When we go out it's all college kids or younger. I feel like a chaperone!