Lux Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Ok well I have been dating this guy for a while and he is absolutely perfect. He is completely faithful to me and is the biggest romantic I have ever met. The problem is that he says he never ever wants to get married in his life. Before he dated me, he had a long relationship with a girl he grew up with. When she mentioned marriage, he got scared and she ended up breaking up with him. He told me he was heart broken over the whole thing and couldn't even look at another girl for over a year. His exact words were "I ached for her." But, although he was in so much pain, he still did not want to marry her. So here is my problem: I know that he is young and in my opinion 22 is way to young to even be thinking of marriage but do you think that over time when he gets older he will change his mind about marriage or do you think he is set in his ways? I want to get married and I want a family and although I love him and our relationship is perfect, when I get older I am going to want these things and if he doesn't then I don't see our relationship going anywhere. Is it possible that he will change his mind? Link to post Share on other sites
JayKay Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 IT's hard to say at this point in his life. Obviously, the relationship that ended caused him a great deal of pain. But you know what? I admire someone who knows it's not the right time to get married, even if it means losing a relationship over it. It's a terrible thing to be bullied or threatened into marriage. He stood his ground and lost his girl. I guess he is still getting over it. Now you are bringing up marriage and he is answering you truthfully. Sounds like a good guy -- not just telling you what you want to hear! He may change his mind in two years.....or ten years. Some men don't get married until their thirties. If you are OK with the 'not knowing' part, then continue to date him. Unfortunately, a lot is going to fall into the 'unknown' category....but that's the reality of relationships. We don't really know how people are going to change over time. I'm 39 and I never wanted to get married. I'm in a long term relationship and I'm very happy, but marriage was a social convention I didn't really believe in. I'm sure if I said that at age 22, most people would have said, "Oh, you'll change your mind..." because the majority of people do. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeRealistic Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 What makes you WANT to be married? And what makes him NOT want to be? Someone once told me that, its a club those not in, want in; and those in want out. Now why anyone would be willing to Loose what they considered the love of their life...sounds like he might be mad at himself for letting that girl go. We only get but 1 person truley meant for us, and then maybe a close second. Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 When I was in my 20s, I used to think I would never get married. What changed my thinking was the decision to have children. They deserve to be raised in a stable family, so marriage became something I wanted. Your bf's thinking might change too, but it might not. It's a given that you both will change as you get older, but there's no way to predict how. If I were in your shoes, I would focus more on the question of kids, since you seem to want them. After all, you can have a family without marriage, but not without kids! And if he rules out the question of ever having children, then you might consider how much time you want to invest in this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 What makes you WANT to be married? And what makes him NOT want to be? Someone once told me that, its a club those not in, want in; and those in want out. Now why anyone would be willing to Loose what they considered the love of their life...sounds like he might be mad at himself for letting that girl go. We only get but 1 person truley meant for us, and then maybe a close second. I don't agree that "we only get 1 person truly meant for us, and then maybe a close second." That's just an opinion and not a statement of fact. I believe that we all have the potential to have more than one "soulmate" or "true love" in our life times. I know one woman who lost her husband and she found another true love. She just lost her second husband. She tells me she had two true loves. In my opinion it's just a myth to say that we only have ONE person on this whole earth who is really right for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Devils Advocate Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 Your boyfriend is one of the 22% (the 22% of american men who have honestly looked at marriage and decided that it's not for them and never do get married) and is being honest with you up front. You can accept that he's as wonderful as you say and continue to be with him or you can leave and find someone who still believes that marriage is an institution they want to be in. BUT if you try to force the issue with him expect to feel the door hit you in the butt as he puts you out of his life. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 All I know is people do alot of changing in their 20's. Just be happy with what the relationship is like now - Enjoy it! Maybe in the future he'll change his mind. How long have you two been seeing eachother? Link to post Share on other sites
Tamrick Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 You can never predict what another person is going to do so its hard to say whether he'll change his mind or not. He does need though to evaluate why he never wants to get married and figure out what he is afraid of. (I cannot figure out why men run so much from marriage - they pretend not to be afraid of so many things, but when it comes to marriage it is ok to admit that they are afriad and also ok to run from it - why will a guy who is terrified allow himself to be bullied into bungee jumping or dangerous sports, but not into marriage? What is he so scared of? Why is death less sacry sometimes than marriage?) Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 (I cannot figure out why men run so much from marriage - they pretend not to be afraid of so many things, but when it comes to marriage it is ok to admit that they are afriad and also ok to run from it - why will a guy who is terrified allow himself to be bullied into bungee jumping or dangerous sports, but not into marriage? What is he so scared of? Why is death less sacry sometimes than marriage?) Sorry, I know this doesn't address the OP's question, but... Different men hesitate to marry for different reasons. Two possible, and common, ones are: 1. Males are not naturally monogamous. Even when in a committed relationship, the vast majority of men are looking at and fantasizing about other women. So a man has to come to terms with the notion of binding himself to one woman for the rest of his life. 2. The negative consequences of marriage, should it end in divorce, have been very highly publicized. Men have a picture in their minds of vindictive wives taking them for all their worth. Sure, this is somewhat stereotypical, but what man in his right mind wouldn't be afraid of it? And I'm sure this just scratches the surface. There must be many more reasons out there. As for the question about death being less scary than marriage, I doubt that's literally true. Look at it from a different perspective: A man who does dangerous things is proving his manhood, partly for the benefit of his standing with other males, but also to attract women. Marriage, on the other hand, spells the end of a man's playing the field. So, you can see why a man would instinctuall prefer the former over the latter. Link to post Share on other sites
Drea Posted December 9, 2005 Share Posted December 9, 2005 I was never going to marry, honestly, not even as a little girl had I wanted to be married. I grew up respecting those who have married, yet knowing it wasn't for me. Never would I wear a band on my left ring finger, I was serious, felt it completly in my heart and soul. Just as I would never have kids. I was always letting my b/f's know my feelings if I felt our relationship was going somewhere. I put a big line through marriage and children of my own (even though I'm in-love with all little kids their great!) Now I'm married, and to be honest, I'm not sure how it happened, but I am. I also have a beautiful little baby girl, although thats because the pill failed (yes I took it correctly) and had strong beliefs on the abortion issue, wasn't about to go there! So here I am, happily married with a daughter, and yes, I now want more. Does this mean I hadn't known my mind, what I really wanted. No, I 100% hadn't wanted to be married or have kids. Things happen, give him time, or cut your losses before you get even more deep into the relationship. Talk to him, ask him why he doesn't want to be married. My big reason was because I didn't believe in divorce, and felt it was to easy to be married and divorce. I had an old friend I met up and she introduced me to her husband, I though she was crazy because I had been in her wedding not two years ago, she laughs and says "no, this is my new husband, I divorced such and such a year ago etc." Too easy to throw it away. So here I am married, he shares my views, and actually he left his long time ex before we met because she told him she wanted to be married, yet he knew how she viewed marriage, hell she only had 3 or 4 lasts name lol. I also wasn't into the whole walking down the aisle, the actual wedding etc thing. So I remember calling him up on a thur and asked him if he honestly wanted to get married (he had tried to get me into the idea) of course he said yes, so I called him back a minut or two later and told him top get monday off of work because we were going to go to the court house and get married. We did, it's done, I'm happy. Link to post Share on other sites
loudog Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 22 is way too young to get married...at that age I would have not even considered it. If asked I would have said you were crazy...things change as you get older. Either relax and see what happens or move on...but pushing him or fretting about it is a waste Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 Is it possible that he will change his mind? Absolutely. It's possible that he may get fed up of being harangued about marriage and split. It's also possible that he may change his mind and want to get married, but you've changed your mind as well. You're young. You've got a lot more to live and experience before you even think about marriage. So chill. Relax. Have a nice glass of Merlot. Link to post Share on other sites
RainyDayWoman Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 he is a 22 year old male. he has no idea what he wants. the worst thing to do would be to whine about it and pressure him. that's the best way to end up single. Link to post Share on other sites
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