Am I a horrible person??

[Erotica]

Hi everyone, I'm new here & have a few problems. I've been married 3 1/2 years and been with him for 5 1/2 years. Everything use to be perfect until about 2 years ago & everything started to go to hell. He started drinking & became an alcoholic. We fight ALL the time, mainly about money & his drinking b/c he spends money we don't have & he normally drink 10-12 beers EVERYDAY & more if its his day off.

 

He also always wants to go out w/ his best friend or have his best friend over but since his best friend started dating this girl "Tina" he hasn't been around as much. (thank goodness) Well "Tina" & I have become really good friends & she took me out for my birthday last month & I met the bartender who started flirting with me & we ended up drinking most of the night for free. That may not sound too unusual but since I've had my daughter I've gained alot of weight & I definatly don't feel pretty anymore so it made me feel really good that this good looking guy was flirting with me. Well We went out again this past Friday to the same bar & that bartender was there.

 

He started talking to us & asked shy we hadn't been back in a while b/c he had asked us to come back on a tuesday b/c he wasn't busy that night. & we started talking & flirting & we ended up drink for free again. (not all but got alot of free drinks) We started talking & I was getting drunk (not hard since I don't drink much) & I started telling him I thought he was hot blah blah blah, & it made him blush & he started flirting more. We started talking about leaving ("Tina" & I) & he said well let me know when you leave & I'll walk you ladies out. So he did & he had his arm around me & he hugged me & that was it. He once again asked us to come back preferbaly on a tuesday but if not anytime & gave us the nights he worked. I had asked "Tine" if she thought I was horrible & she said if H treated you right then I would say yes BUT he treats you so bad so I can't blame you at all.

 

Now w/ the exception of flirting I would never cheat on my H. I do love him but not like I use to b/c he mades me feel so small most of the time & has a way of turning everything around on me when we fight. I'm just not happy in my marriage anymore. But now I can't stop thinking about this other guy. I want to go see him again, I just love the attention he gives me & makes me feel so good about myself which I haven't felt since I had my duaghter. Does this make me a horrible person. I have such naughty thoughts about this other guy & can't seem to get my mind off him.

 

I know I need to leave my H but its just so hard. And I know this other guy would only be a fling, nothing more IF anything were to ever happen in the event I did finally leave my H. I'm just so confused & feel so horrible that I have these thoughts & I can't really talk to anyone about it except "Tina" & she says its ok but sometimes I'm not so sure, although they are just thoughts & I haven't acted on them.

[Mz. Pixie]

Stop right now.

 

You're not a bad person. You have needs that haven't been met by your H. It's human.

 

The flirting and such? Well, it will only lead to more. If not with this guy then with the next. I know, I've been in your shoes.

 

It's like a HIGH. At some point or another things will go to far and then you will feel terrible. You'll get caught most likely and then everyone will suffer. TRUST ME on this one.

 

Get into marriage counseling with your H and fix the problems you have. Al anon would be a good start for you since he drinks too much. If you're not willing to do that then leave.

 

Tina is wrong. It's not okay- even if he treats you badly. Understandable yes but when it's all said and done people will not say you cheated but it was okay because he treated you bad. All of that will be forgotten and you'll just be the whore who cheated.

 

I know. I was a perfect wife for over 12 years until I cheated. My exhusband left me at home alone all the time with the kids and was emotionally not available. Everyone talked about how much he neglected his family. You think anyone talks about that now that I had a A and got caught? Nope, all of that was forgotten. I'm trying to save you some heartbreak sweetie. Just STOP.

[mental_traveller]

You're not horrible, I don't think. You're feeling really guilty about this flirting, which is a good sign and shows you're a good person at heart IMO. But you did take marriage vows which included "for better or for worse". So you should stop going to this bar, and get counselling to try to rescue your marriage. If your husband won't go, then you may need to threaten divorce. If you aren't prepared to divorce or even threaten it, then realise you will be stuck in a bad marriage for the rest of your days on this earth.

[Enema]

I asked a woman I work with what she thought was "alcoholic" in regards to an amount of booze drunk in a day because that 10-12 beers thing shocked me!

 

Anyway, she said that a bottle of spirits a day is too much. Half a bottle, not so bad.

 

Lol, that shocked me too...

 

Anyway, you're only a bad person if you cheat on your husband. Obviously you're not happy and you have a right to be, but he has a right not to be cheated on. So, it's quite clear: Break up from your husband, BEFORE you do anything with anyone else.

[whichwayisup]

No, she isn't a bad person no matter what. HER actions are bad, her choices are bad...But she isn't a bad person.

 

I asked a woman I work with what she thought was "alcoholic" in regards to an amount of booze drunk in a day because that 10-12 beers thing shocked me!

 

An alcoholic can have ONE drink a day and still be one. Most of the time it's not the booze, it's the reason WHY they're having the booze...

[Enema]

If that's the case, what would be an acceptable reason for drinking 10-12 beers a day?

[Becoming]

Your feelings are understandable, but Mz Pixie's right. YOU'RE not gonna feel good about you if you give in to temptation. The only way you have a chance of feeling better is to listen to mental traveller and see the marriage through because like it or not marriage is about the promise WE make to the other. But part of love is confronting the other person when they are hurting and destroying what's good. Al-Anon is a great idea.

[Walk]

If after 2 years of fighting over money and his drinking problem, do you think he's going to change? Or that al-anon will help? I'm asking because it doesn't seem as if it would, but I've never sought help from them before.

 

I don't believe anyone should walk away from a marriage without taking every possible step to resolve the issues. Problem is, if she's so emotionally unattached at this point that she's fantasizing about a man who pays her some compliments twice, then in my opinion the damage probably can't be undone without the hubby really busting his butt to change. And how likely is that going to be?

 

And if she needs some sort of catalyst to force her from this marriage, and jar her from her false security, then cheating (even in milder forms) is a sure fire way.

 

I don't think she'll stop seeing this guy, no matter what we say on here. (I don't mean offense. I'm saying in "my opinion") I think the craving is too high, and the lack of emotional support at home will drive her to go see this man more.

 

Maybe we should ask if she wants the marriage to work? And is she willing to work twice as hard as she is now, to attempt to fix it? Especially knowing that the husband will fight her every step of the way.

[Erotica]

HI, & thank you, I have been doing alot of thinking & I really do want my marriage to work but I've tried so hard but everything is always my fault or someone elses fault.My H doesn't ever take any resposbility for his actions. He got into some trouble & got put on PTI & that was his brothers fault but the reason he got pulled over in the first place was b/c he was drinking a 24oz beer while driving b/c he was pissed b/c we had been fighting. He went to drug classes & NA classes but would pop open a beer & light up a joint as soon as he got home. He admits he can be an as*hole & says I b*tch all the time. I asked him well don't you think I would stop b*tching if you would at least slow down doing the things you do. & His comeback to me is, well have you ever thought if you stopped b*tching I would stop.

 

What kind of crap is that, first of all I can just bring up the subject of his rinking & money spending & he gets pissed & thinks I'm b*tching when I'm just trying to talk to him. The thing is when things are good, they are really good but thats only about 20-30% of the time. They other 70-80% I'm unhappy. I'm so worried about what would happen if I did leave him, is he going to go out & do something stupid, like drive drunk which he already does but actually do something stupid & get himself killed or even when he's sober & drives when he's pissed he drives stupid. Where will he go ect.. I worry so much about him b/c I do love him alot, it's just my feelings are fading fast & I really don't know how to handle it. We use to be THE PERFECT couple until he started drinking so much, everyone envied us & I want that back. Its just unbelievable how much one person can change & so fast.

 

I don't know how to find marriage counseling that doesn't charge b/c we can't afford it, I've called around & alot of them charge like $90 a session/hour. I don't even know if it would help. He's so damn stubborn, whe he's right, he's right. I don't want to give up but I've just been trying for so long already. Sometimes I wish he would hit me or cheat on me so it would give me the strength to leave, but thats not going to happen so I feel stuck, I don't know how to get the strength to leave. My friend "Janet" says when I've really had aenough I'll leave but I just can't see how things could get too much worse.

[Clair]

I think you need to stop fighting with your husband. Instead show him some understanding, don't make him feel guilty. Talk to him seriously, but friendly and quietly. He must understand why his drinking and spending is bad, it might take some time for him to fully understand that.

[cplfun13]

You already know the answer to your question.

Its to bad you couldnt put more energy in attempts to restore your marriage as you are putting into the bartender. Its a simple case of right and wrong. If your marriage can't be fixed then move on. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Your fling will be there when you make up your mind. Be the bigger person, if you choose the fling then you are no better then your husband.

[LifeBound]

Erotica.

obviously from your second post it seems that you are looking past the bartender. The bartender should just be used as a sign to shake you back into reality. Totally forget the bartender and focus on that marriage which i definitely get the feeling you are genuine about doing. Past posts have beat the bartender to death and good advice to stay away from him has been stated.

 

You seem pretty sensible by the way you present your problems, which is a good thing.

 

you said that "We use to be THE PERFECT couple" ... clearly this wasn't true... the perfect couple is based around compromising and close to 100% communication. You and your partner would work together to breed a healthy environment, clearly this isn't a reality in your marriage. This habit of always referring to your marraige in the past tense as the 'perfect couple' is a complete misconception, i'd put money on that. A healthy foundation for a relationship is something that has been clearly neglected in your case.

 

I can relate to you b/c my best friend/fiance was in a marriage for about 20 years to a person who demonstrates traites similar to your husband. Your husband is definitely more extreme and hostile however.

For the better part of those 15 years she always knew he didnt have the right attitude that she wished he would have. An attitude steered towards compromising and listening, and shoving aside immature behaviors. She tried incessantly for all those years to change him with no luck. She tells me that she stayed b/c if she stopped w/o trying, she wouldnt have thought she gave it her all, and that is what a marraige is all about. I totally agree with her, as much as i hate the fact that she went through what she did. She said that the #1 thing that kept her there was the lack of support from her friends and family. In this area i think you seem screwed. This girl Tina seems like a horrible influence. Only you can just take a deep breath and leave. It is your life and you are the one wasting it. Without support you are in a drastic situation and drastic times call for drastic measures as the saying goes. Suck it up and take the step. Sad but true.

 

A horrible reason for staying with him is fear of what he might do to himself. You know that as well as i do. But your scared of leaving, and so it is just another reason (excuse) you have for staying. It is a Form of Mind f*cking yourself.

What is worst? him driving into a wall and dying b/c he can't control his fealings. Or you giving him the drivers seat to your marraige and letting him drive the marriage and relationship to complete garbage and ruin not just his, but your life and your childs.

 

"My friend "Janet" says when I've really had enough I'll leave but I just can't see how things could get too much worse." -- horrible support, and it shows a complete lack of care and understanding by Janet. You will not leave when your ready b/c clearly you're ready to leave, but unwilling b/c you are scared and don't know how to change and say 'ok, i am leaving'.

 

You are scared b/c you leaving means that the descruction of your marraige will look as if it is your fault, and you will be the villain. You are breaking vows u promised and you might think your giving up. You feel guilty b/c you want your child to have a father and you leaving means taking that father out of her life. Perhaps i am wrong though, but i am probably not.

 

You're not a horrible person, you are human, and the right choice is probably to leave.

 

You sound like you are beyond repair personally. Once love is gone, it is very hard to get it back. Clearly your husband is not relationship material. Life is full of wonderful things. Imagine being in a relationship where you argue 15% of the time, and most of the argueing is healthy ? You know... relationships like that actually exist.

 

It is hard to imagine heaven when u live in the pit of hell.

 

take the step, you have my support

Sal

[Erotica]

you said that "We use to be THE PERFECT couple" ... clearly this wasn't true... the perfect couple is based around compromising and close to 100% communication. You and your partner would work together to breed a healthy environment, clearly this isn't a reality in your marriage. This habit of always referring to your marraige in the past tense as the 'perfect couple' is a complete misconception, i'd put money on that. A healthy foundation for a relationship is something that has been clearly neglected in your case.

 

Your right, now that I really start to look back UI can see why they seemed perfect but weren't. My H isn't much for compromising at all, he wants to do what he wants to do period & now that I look back I did do alot of things that I didn't really want to do b/c he would talk me into it after me saying no. (nothing horrible but like going somewhere that I didn't want to go ect..) & he's still like that. IF he doesn't get his way he gets pissed & throws a temper tantrum. He reminds me of my 3 years old daughter sometimes.

 

A horrible reason for staying with him is fear of what he might do to himself. You know that as well as i do. But your scared of leaving, and so it is just another reason (excuse) you have for staying. It is a Form of Mind f*cking yourself.

What is worst? him driving into a wall and dying b/c he can't control his fealings. Or you giving him the drivers seat to your marraige and letting him drive the marriage and relationship to complete garbage and ruin not just his, but your life and your childs.

 

This is true, it is an excuse, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Get up the courage & leave, it's so hard.

I had a choice to eave yesterday & I should have. My H left the house at 6am to go to a golf tournament w/ his uncle & best friend in a town about 1 1/2 hours away which was fine w/ me b/c H hasn't been able to do that in a really long time. Well The tournament was over at 7pm & they got back in town about 8:30 or so & my H called & said I'm going to go shoot some pool w/ Uncle & bf & I'll be home soon, I'm not going to be out late I PROMISE. I was alittle ticked b/c he had been gone ALL day but said ok, @ 11:30 I call him & he says I want to stay out a few more hours. I bite my tongue & say whatever b/c if I get pissed & tell him he'll just stay out later in spite. Well needless to say he didn't come home til 8:30am Sunday morning. I have never been so pissed. I came So close to telling him to pack his **** & leave but he begged me not to leave him & I didn't. I know I should have but I just can't seem to get up the courage to do it. Why is it so hard?

Friday I went shopping w/ my mom & had H watch OUR daughter & when I got home @ 5pm he was like well I'm taking your mom home & I said no I'd like to take her home b/c its my day w/ my mom & he says then I'm going out when you get back & I was like um no & he started throwing a temper tantrum b/c he had been couped up in the house all day w/ the baby. Boo Hoo I do it ALL the time, & he says so your not special. So he ruins my day, I should have I really should have but its just SO hard.

[tinktronik]

Hi there,

I've read some advice given to say in the marrige and put all into it.I too was given this advice before I ended my marrige. You see the problem for me is with "giving all" the sky is the limit. In order for your marrige to work both parties have to be willing to put effort into it if this is not the case , one sided work rarely makes a change.

Erotica, you said youve been married for 5 yrs if Im correct, and that several of thoose years have been bad,"bad" is a strong term , and it suggests that the other years of your marrige werent that great.

Great husbands rarely turn into drunks and drug abusers without a huge personal loss in their lives.

You also mentioned that you have a daughter, what did you dream for her ? You can give her thoose dreams, and its your job , that is the chioce you made when deciding to concive her .

A lot of people live with a fallacy that they cannot leave , untill the time is right , or that there are factors that they cannot physically leave. The door is always there and you can leave any time you want.

I wish you well, it is never easy to live with someone with tendencies to drink and drug , there are may support groups .Perhaps your husband will change , I hope so for your and your childs sake. But what are your plans if this is not the case?

[Kenyth]

You're not a horrible person, but you're taking the wrong approach. An affair will only make things worse. It's the weak way out and you'll look bad for it. You also won't be very proud of yourself for it. It will be a blemish on your life forever.

 

The best thing you can do for him AND you, is leave him. Give the ultimatum once while he's sober and you have his attention, then move out on the next offense. You're going to have to shock him into acting straight. Tell him you won't come back until he's been clean and straight for six months. Tell him in one year, you'll divorce him if it doesn't happen. If he cleans up, you'll have your husband back. If he goes into a tailspin, you'll be safely out of harms way. Hell, at this point a DUI with no loved one to bail him out might be just what he needs. If he leaves you, well, you weren't really important enough to him to begin with.

 

Many people with self destructive habits need an eye opener like this to snap them out of their melancholy.

[LifeBound]

when someone is unkind to you, they are showing you a side of themselves that they probably don't show to other people, but it is apart of them. Knowing someone is about knowing what they are capable of. Forget giving choices to fix himself up or you'll leave. Just leave. It is so simple. You get treated like trash, and you fix that by not being treated like trash -> you leaving.

 

i never understood the concept of threatening your partner with something in order for them to treat you with respect. This idea and approach confuses me, and will always be out of reach of grasping. Minor shoves back onto the correct path i can see. Even saying 'hey when you call me idiot, or when you say this to me, it makes me feel bad' ... sure.. correct on the spot. But to control someone by manipulation... how sad. what is even sadder is that the victim falls for it. People don't know their worth. This world is very sad in that reguard.

 

"Boo Hoo I do it ALL the time, & he says so your not special" --- do i even need to comment on this statement? seriously.... I wouldnt dream in a million years to treat my gf the way it seems you are treated. and i have no kids with her. Even if she was mean to me, i'd try to explain to her what she was doing, and if she showed stubborness about it, i'd just leave her. i wouldn't want to be in a relationship where we didn't respect and look out for eachother every moment of everyday. How disgusting.

 

Sleeping with a person who you despise. B/c that is what you do. You despise him, it is just you are into the habbit of making so many excuses for him that you won't let yourself.

 

clearly u understand all of this. even if you can't put it all together, you know all this. You don't need advice. You just need the courage to get up and leave b/c it is what you want and need to do.

 

well. since you have little support from friends, i feel bad for your situation, but plenty of people have been in a lot worst and overcome it. If you had these examples infront of you and motivation from everyside, you would easily get up and be done with it. But your alone and so you find it extremely harder. 90% of the problem is understanding all of this and just sucking it up and doing it. so... just leave..

 

it is your life, no one online is going to pull you out of your house.

 

10 yrs from now do you want to look back on your life and say 'damn, i did good for myself, i had courage to take control and do what i knew needed to be done. I have no regrets and i have made the lives of myself and my daughter more happy and healthy'.

Or do you want to wake up next to your husband and say 'damn, i am still married to this monster, is this what love really is?, i am so pathetic but i am going to ignore him and think of something happy like thoughts of my daughter so i don't notice that i am really in a shroud of darkness, i am so pathetic.'

 

what i say is harsh but it is true. Make a good example for your kid, leave. You next and only step is to DO.

Sal

[Erotica]

Thanks everyone for the advice & comments. Some harsh but all true. I just need to find the courage to leave, I'm wroking on it but its still really hard. My H just found out his biological father died this past summer & he has a half sister that he never knew about so here comes more grief. Maybe it'll be a good thing. He'll get some answers about all that, just another "excuse" for me to stay, so I can be there for him during this time. It sucks but its how it is, it just keeps getting harder & harder, I just wish I knew his true colors when I married him & I wouldn't be in this situation, I use to be strong but have become what I am now, an emotional wreck, but I'm trying to prepare myself to take the step & leave it's just going to take some time. Thanks again for everyones advice, thats why I came here for alittle support & its nice to hear people over comming things like this, although I know I don't have it as bad as some people, but everyone has their limits & I'm at mine.