Should a spouse be willing to relocate b/c of their spouses job?

[mopar crazy]

My H asked me 2nite if he got a job in AZ ( we live in the midwest and his parents live in AZ) if I would be willing to move out there if he made more money. I told him no. He asked me even if he made more money, I still told him no. He told me that maybe we should think about getting a D then if I wasn't willing to relocate for a job. Maybe he is right, but I refuse to move to AZ. I like where I am at now. I love my job, and I am close to my family and I'm happy where I am. Sure, we could use more money, but money can't buy happiness and I believe if we moved to AZ just for money it would be stupid. What good is money if your life isn't happy?

[Hot Coco]

But you really don't know that you won't be happy unless you go. Making more money would benefit your family. Don't you need a new car? seem to remember financial troubles? Am I right? I don't agree with not going. You might have more to lose by NOT going.

[glittergurl]

It's a tough question, it really depends.

[mopar crazy]

But you really don't know that you won't be happy unless you go. Making more money would benefit your family. Don't you need a new car? seem to remember financial troubles? Am I right? I don't agree with not going. You might have more to lose by NOT going.

 

 

LOL, after all that has been done to my car I would probably be going through the same problems if I got another one. Yes, there is financial problems, but nothing that can be resolved if H would even make $2 more an hour that he can easily do w/ jobs around here. The capital city isn't far away and there is many career opprotunities there.

 

Why AZ? Why not another state? B/c his mom and step-dad live in AZ. I know if I was willing to relocate to AZ H would want to move close to them.

 

I lived an hour and half away from my family for 15 years and when I came back to visit them I hated leaving to go back home. Now that I am closer, I love being near them again. I guess you can say I am a mommy's girl, lol.

[mopar crazy]

It's a tough question, it really depends.

 

H and I don't have the strongest of M lately. We have even been seperated and were going through a D almost 3 years ago. I love my H, and I honestly can't imagine my life w/o him, but I just don't feel my M is strong enough to want to move that far away. My family was so much help and was so much support through everything I went through, and if I do ever go through it again, I want to be near my family for support. It's kind of hard to get that being 1,200 miles away from them. We are trying our best to make this M work, but I can see it going down hill worse if we moved out to AZ. H is a big golfer and I am positive he would be spending most of his time on the golf course w/ his parents than being at home, which would cause more problems. One year we went down to AZ to visit them for Christmas for 2 weeks. Every day but maybe one or two, he golfed while I stayed home w/ our kids (18 months and 2 at the time). Sure, I could take up golfing and go w/ him but why? I don't like golf, I don't even like sports much, and he knew that when he asked me to marry him. He has his golf and I accept that, but I wont accept him being gone all the time golfing. And his mom has NP w/ him being gone golfing all the time b/c she is a golf freak too.

[d'Arthez]

Don't move for monetary reasons alone. And it can be debated if the money is the real reason, or the proximity to his parents is the real reason. Only he may know. We can only guess.

 

He may make more money in California too. Is that an argument to move there? And if that is not an argument for him, why not? Or in Alaska (depends a on the profession).

 

And even if you can earn more money elsewhere, the cost of housing might be higher there. Taxes, or whatever. You might even be worse off, with more money, because of the even more increased expenses.

 

If the marriage is still rocky, moving will in all likelihood add to the stress. Especially if the people who will influence your relationship (that is him), will not do so in a positive way. Have you indications, that that will be the case?

[bab]

In general, yes. They should at least consider it. Marriage requires compromise. You are sharing your lives, no one person should have a monopoly.

 

I think you should wait and see what kind of job he gets before making the flat decision of NO. Talk it out. It may be what you need, or it could be a disaster, but you shouldn't write if off straight away. Get more info.

[Outcast]

I think it's mean of you to want to be near your parents and do the things you like and enjoy your pleasures but deny him being near his parents and doing things he likes.

 

Love is about wanting your beloved's happiness as much as your own. You've been where you wanted to be for 15 years but somehow you think that it's fine to demand that he give up closeness with his family so that you get what you want.

 

I'm not sure why it is but it always seems to me that an awful lot of women have no regard for the feelings of their spouses - they want all the goodies they want but expect the men to give everything up. That's just wrong.

[whichwayisup]

I disagree Bab. This man has been pulling stunt after stunt and right now it's another one in the works. MC go with your gut on this. Personally I think you're right, he'll get to AZ and revert backwards, rely on his folks for everything and do what he wants when he wants. He wanted you to get another job because he couldn't find one. Now all of a sudden the dream job landed in his lap?? WTF. No...There is another big reason behind this, I think anyway. I could be wrong but you are right when you say the M will suffer if you two move there. I agree!!

 

Both of you need to sit and sort this out. Maybe it is time to consider a Divorce. You've not been happy and he isn't treating you well most of the time. It's like the love is there but NO effort is being put into you whatsoever. How much bending can you do for this man? WHAT will make him happy? He is lazy and depressed but refuses to go get help. HE wants YOU to go get another job p/t and at the same time prob. still want you to do ALL the household chores and help with the kids. Meanwhile he can go golf, spend money and see baseball games. (I'm abit irked right now after reading your post...Not too sure how helpful my words are to you.)

 

Anyway, I hope he isn't in a huge rush to make this move happen anytime soon. He has children to consider - Their lives/school, friends, your family to consider too. This isn't just about him and a job opportunity...I mean, you'll have to find a good job out there too!

[mopar crazy]

I disagree Bab. This man has been pulling stunt after stunt and right now it's another one in the works. MC go with your gut on this. Personally I think you're right, he'll get to AZ and revert backwards, rely on his folks for everything and do what he wants when he wants. He wanted you to get another job because he couldn't find one. Now all of a sudden the dream job landed in his lap?? WTF. No...There is another big reason behind this, I think anyway. I could be wrong but you are right when you say the M will suffer if you two move there. I agree!!

 

Both of you need to sit and sort this out. Maybe it is time to consider a Divorce. You've not been happy and he isn't treating you well most of the time. It's like the love is there but NO effort is being put into you whatsoever. How much bending can you do for this man? WHAT will make him happy? He is lazy and depressed but refuses to go get help. HE wants YOU to go get another job p/t and at the same time prob. still want you to do ALL the household chores and help with the kids. Meanwhile he can go golf, spend money and see baseball games. (I'm abit irked right now after reading your post...Not too sure how helpful my words are to you.)

 

Anyway, I hope he isn't in a huge rush to make this move happen anytime soon. He has children to consider - Their lives/school, friends, your family to consider too. This isn't just about him and a job opportunity...I mean, you'll have to find a good job out there too!

 

WWIU, thanks. And Outcast and bab probably don't know the whole story, like you do, about H. I don't really think H was serious about moving, not anytime soon anyhow. H knew that when he M me I had no plans of leaving the midwest state I live in. If he was so apt about not wanting to stay here he should of never M me. He knew I was not willing to relocate out of state even b4 we were M so he already knew how I felt about it but he still chose to M me.

 

Outcast, I lived away from my family for 15 years and now I am near them again. I chose to leave, I chose to come back. My H's mom chose to move to AZ. If H really wanted to be near her he would of moved to AZ a long time ago. His mom moved there about the time H graduated from college. He could of moved to AZ where she moved and finished up his law degree there if he really wanted to near her. He chose not to. If he really wanted to be near his mom, he could of easily done it when he was single.

H does not have a job opprotunity to move to AZ. He just brought it up out of the blue to move to AZ.

Ya know, it seems so funny now that H doesn't have a lot of friends around here, besides his golfing buddies, he wants to move to AZ. For 11 years I put up w/ his s*** being gone almost every night getting drunk w/ his friends while I stayed home and took care of our children and the home while he went out and had his fun w/ his friends. I hardly ever got to go out b/c he always had plans w/ his drunken friends. Now that I have my family around and I go see them a lot (he chooses to stay home) he wants to move to AZ.

[bab]

I was going on the assumption that she is trying to improve her marriage and not considering a divorce. I've read a lot (although not all) about MC's marriage. I definitely agree that her H is lazy, and it quite possible that it's just another stunt. BUT, it's also possible that he's in a funk and a change of scenary could do their M some good. That's the whole point in getting more information. Doesn't mean that she HAS to go, but if he's coming up with some idea that involves himself putting some effort into it, then maybe it's worth looking into. Which is different then out right agreeing to go.

[slubberdegullion]

Is it really about AZ? Or is it simply that you would deny moving regardless of the new location?

[Moose]

It's my opinion that the husband is the decision maker. Whether it would be a good move to go, (Which I don't) or not.

 

If it were us in this situation, Mrs. Moose would make the sacrifice, even it were to mean she would be days away from her family.

 

You are already an hour and a half away, so it's not like you see them everyday or they're down the block......how long is a flight from AZ to where you are now? Afterall, husband is saying he'd earn more money.

 

I personally wouldn't make a move the midwest to AZ for more money. Think about it, is that really possible? Isn't the cost of living considerably higher in AZ than the midwest?

 

I think your husband has other motivations, not including his parents.....

[westernxer]

Why, all of a sudden, would he want to move to Arizona?

 

Didn't he have a couple of interviews recently?

[Outcast]

It's my opinion that the husband is the decision maker

 

Yes, well you as the husband thinks that's a fine way to live. Fortunately, other men think women are actually equal and so deserve a say in what happens.

[mopar crazy]

Is it really about AZ? Or is it simply that you would deny moving regardless of the new location?

 

Honestly, I don't want to move away from where I am at now. The kids have been in their new school for 2 years and made new friends and don't want to move.

 

I have a job I really love and I don't want to leave. Sure, I could work at another preschool but it wouldn't be the same. I love the children in my classroom and my co-workers are an awesome bunch of women.

 

Why, all of a sudden, would he want to move to Arizona?

 

Didn't he have a couple of interviews recently?

 

I don't know wes. He just asked me out of the blue if I would be willing to move to AZ. He has no job offers from there. He has possibly 3 good paying jobs he may have to choose from. One is for the retail store he works for, one is for a factory that is a good place to work, and the other is some book sale thing, can't think of what it's called. He has an interview for the factory job next week and he should also find out about the job at the retail store next week also. He has a tough decisions to make if he gets offered all three jobs.

 

Moose, thank you for answering my thread, you know how much respect I have for your opinions but I can't believe I don't really agree w/ you this time, sorry. I don't think the husband should be the sole decision maker. It should be an equal decision. And like I said b4, H knew b4 we even got M that I did not want to move away from the midwest. My family use to live an hour and half away. When I moved here I moved to the same town they live in. However we recently moved into another home that is about 20 miles from my parents and about 30 miles from my sister so it;s not as close but a lot closer than 90 miles.

[whichwayisup]

It's my opinion that the husband is the decision maker. Whether it would be a good move to go, (Which I don't) or not.

 

I disagree. "The Husband" is not the decision maker in a marriage for such a big change that will affect not only her life, but their children. It should be choice they make together, weigh the good and the bad - Then TOGETHER decide to make the move or not. I see you say that it would not be a good move to go, but still the decision has to discussed and not just because "the husband" says so. That is crazy and marriage is a partnership.

[Moose]

In every good unit, there is a leader.

 

And a divided kingdom always perishes.

 

Like I mentioned, I don't think it's a good move. I don't know what your husband does now for a living. But I myself would weigh into it awfully heavily before I'd make a decision to move my family, particularly to Arizona.

 

I'm here in the midwest, out in the boonies, burrowed in like a tick in a dog's ear, where I grew up. Mrs. Moose did not want to be here. She was furious with me when I made that decision, it nearly destroyed us.

 

Ask her to leave now, and she'd rather die.

 

We all need to make sacrifices in our marriage, agreed? All who are married by and large made vows to honor one another. We will disagree from time to time.

 

Furthermore, I don't usually make decisions that Mrs. Moose and I aren't on the same page about.......maybe 4 or 5 times did we lock horns on things.

 

In those times, she demonstrated what a wife should, and shouldn't of done in each instance. She was submissive, yet cautious, kind, patient, loving, and if some things didn't work out.....forgiving.

 

Notice I didn't mention, "trusting",.....I think thats earned after the husband has demonstrated the ability to lead, and make good decisions for the family.

 

I don't know what Mrs. Moose would say if you asked her now if she trusts me. But she will say that I'm the husband, and I make the decisions.

 

But please, don't think I'm walking around here telling eveyone what to do.....go here, go there, do this and do that. We do have somewhat of a democracy happening. The only difference is, I have the final say.

[Outcast]

marriage is a partnership

 

Not to the ultra-religious right who believe the Bible tells 'em to boss the wimmenfolk around

[mopar crazy]

In every good unit, there is a leader.

 

And a divided kingdom always perishes.

 

\QUOTE]

 

Moose, what verse is that so I can read more on it?

 

My H right now is a dept manager for a retail store. He is a smart man, went to college in pre-law. He graduated but still needs three more years in law school. We can't financially afford for him to finish, and if we did get financial aide he would have to go to college FT and study which means there would be no time to work. I can't financially support us on my income or else I would be thrilled he went back to law school, if he wanted to.

 

Now can I ask you about Mrs Moose? Did you meet her in college in a different state and then got M and moved back to the midwest? Did you have children b4 you moved back to the midwest?

 

I know when my parents first were M they lived in B (where H and I lived for 10 years of our M) where she grew up. My dad moved to Y (where we are now) and my mom had NP moving to Y. I think she was thrilled to move b/c she was getting away from my dad's family, whom she did not get along w/. My dad grew up in a farmer's family where they were will off financially. My mom, however grew up on the "other side of the tracks" literally. Her parents where poor and didn't have much. There was three children and they lived in a small, run down two bedroom house. So I think my dad's family kind of frowned on my dad marrying my mom. I think she was relieved to get away from them. They have been living in Y for 30+ years and have no plans of moving from here.

 

I just don't see the M lasting if we moved to AZ. We would constantly be fighting b/c he is gone all the time golfing w/ his mom and step dad. And no, I will not take up golf. That is what H does for his fun, and plus I stink and have no desire to play. He has his interest, I have mine, but we also have things we like to do together, when we have the money.

[whichwayisup]

The only difference is, I have the final say.

 

So then why even bother talking about it if YOU get the final say?

 

I do get that is your way of life and ofcourse you love your wife...But you definately have your own 'spin' of what a wife/husband place is.

 

It works for you, that's cool. But that would never ever EVER work for me and my husband. NO major decision is made without both of us being onside. It's respecting eachother and being on even ground together - Not I AM MAN, HUSBAND and YOU ARE WIFE, YOU LISTEN TO ME WOMAN and DO AS I SAY. Sorry, that is not how many live their lives...You are lucky that your wife has no problem with this senerio, obviously it's her belief system too, that the man is incharge and makes ALL the important choices.

 

Agree to disagree, each to their own and whatever works, right?

[Moose]

Moose, what verse is that so I can read more on it?

MC, actually, that wasn't a quote from the bible. Just true statements.

Now can I ask you about Mrs Moose? Did you meet her in college in a different state and then got M and moved back to the midwest? Did you have children b4 you moved back to the midwest?

We met while I was in college. Her and her family just moved here from Iowa. I'm originally from Delaware. My family lives here now too. I'm not in the situation you're in. I just chose to live out in the boonies, where our families both live in the city. We didn't have our children until we were married.

 

I think all things are possible. You could get financial aid, and benefits for your husband to go back and finish college.

 

There are ways to accomplish this even on your income. It may take some sacrifice that you or your husband aren't willing to make right now, and that's what'll ultimately hold you, and him back. Does he want to finish college?

 

You two need to find a common goal.

So then why even bother talking about it if YOU get the final say?

You seem to think that I'm saying I make the decisions no matter what Mrs. Moose or anyone else says.

 

I weigh all the pros and cons expressed by all members of my family, and make the call based on that.

But you definately have your own 'spin' of what a wife/husband place is.

It's not, "my own spin". Our lifestyle is very common, yet rarely shared with the general concensus.

Not I AM MAN, HUSBAND and YOU ARE WIFE, YOU LISTEN TO ME WOMAN and DO AS I SAY.

It's not like that at all. Like I've said before. 99.9% of the time we are on the same side. We love and respect each other's input. My decisions are love based towards my wife and family.

obviously it's her belief system too, that the man is incharge and makes ALL the important choices.

Not the man. The Husband. There's a huge difference.

 

To say the man makes all the decisions makes me believe that you think that I believe man should be in charge of women in general. I'm not.

 

Sure, I agree to disagree. But I refuse to have you misunderstand me too.

[mopar crazy]

MC, actually, that wasn't a quote from the bible. Just true statements

 

Now I feel like an idiot for thinking that statement was from the Bible. I am ashamed to say it but I don't read the Bible as much as I should. As for believing that statement is true, I somewhat agree, but not when it comes to a M, about there being a leader.

 

I don't feel that a H is a "leader" in a M. I believe it's equal.

 

I had to LOL at your comment about H finishing college and living off my income. I work for a grant funded preschool and don't make much so we could not make ends meet on my income.

[Outcast]

Don't bother yourself with quotes from the Bible; people take sayings out of the Bible and twist them to their own ends. For instance, 'look not on the wine while it is read' is interpreted by some to mean you should not drink.

[mopar crazy]

Don't bother yourself with quotes from the Bible; people take sayings out of the Bible and twist them to their own ends. For instance, 'look not on the wine while it is read' is interpreted by some to mean you should not drink.

While I do believe the Bible can be a bit confusing I do believe in following it as much as I can, I just need to read it more.