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controlling husband-what to do


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I have been married for seven years. My husband is so controlling. I have tried to talk to him about it but he gets mad and upset. I work about two hours from home and have to walk two blocks to work when I get off the bus. He makes me calling him when I get off the bus until I get to work. When I get to work I have to call him on the work phone so he knows I am really at work. When I leave work I have to call him while walking to the bus and stay on the phone until I catch the bus. If I go out it can only be with my sister and I have to let him know how long I will be gone. He also expects me to answer my cell everytime he calls no matter what I am doing. If I dont when I get home he starts this big argument. He always says I am cheating on him. I need help. He is starting to smother me and I think I am falling out of love with him. He has been like this since I had my son who is now 6. We have been together in total about 13 years. Any advice?

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This is mental abuse and it's just as destroying as physical abuse in my opinion.

 

I have been in a relationship like this, and I truly understand how soul destroying it can be. He is controlling every aspect of your being. When I went shopping alone, I had to produce receipts, from which he could calculate how long I took between shops etc. WTF?!! :sick:

 

What is Domestic Violence?

 

Domestic violence is physical, psychological, sexual or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. Crime statistics and research both show that domestic violence is gender specific - usually the perpetrator of a pattern of repeated assaults is a man.

 

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/about/what_is_dv.htm

 

You are experiencing Domestic Violence. I don't believe men who have this pattern can easily change. IMHO you should leave, and take your child with you before he to suffers at the hand of this man.

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slubberdegullion

It probably started with his concern over your safety and well being. Who would argue with his desire to ensure that you're ok?

 

But it seems to have continued for different reasons, control being a major component of it.

 

Since this has been going on for six years, it's going to be a very hard situation to change. But before you go there, look at some other potential control issues in the marriage. Are there other ways that he demands control? For instance, does he keep an absurdly tight rein on the finances? Must he approve of what you wear? Are there any times (beyond work) where you feel free to go and socialize with friends?

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WOW :eek: , give ya credits because I know I wouldn't have been able to deal as long as you have! It sounds like to me, he wants to control your every waking moment. You don't have a life anymore, he has two....! If it is at the point that you can't live your life and you can't talk to him about it then of course you are going to fall out of love. You have to have that communication with him so you relationship doesn't fall apart. He obviously doesn't know all your feelings due to it just being a fight. I know when me and my bf get in fights I tune him out when he yells. It sounds like to me that the relationship is an acutal dictatorship and that is so unhealthy for you. What I would do is try one last and final time to get him to sit down with you and discuss this, explain to him the point you are at that you feel like the love you felt for him once is starting to fade. If his reaction isn't a concerned one and more of a demand for your love, then I would consider getting out. I understand you have been with him so many years but maybe you can just get out and you guys can seek counceling. I would talk to your sister or other family and see if you can stay somewhere with them until you can get things straight at home. I wish you the best, and this is just what I would do.

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He is controlling in other ways. For instance I wore a pair of thongs to work on day because I had dress pants on and I didnt want my panty line to show. When I got home he made me throw all my thongs away. He doesnt do the finances. I do. He hasnt worked for about three years due to a back injury at work. He is also controlling when it comes to sex. If he is in the mood and I am not he will yell at me because I dont want to have sex. It has came to the point where I just do it when I think he wants even if I dont want to to satisfy him. We tried conseling but the conselor only talked to him about his wrong doings and he didnt like that so we went once and didnt go back. I am also not allowed to bring up anything that I have a problem with if it concerns him. He doesnt want to hear it. Everytime I say something he says I am a liar. For example if I was down stairs trying to fix a breaker in my house. My sister was upstairs and I asked her if the power was on. He replied I dont F***ing know. Later that night we got on the subject about what he said. I told him that I didnt call for him I called for my sister. He said I am a f**king liar and that I always lie and I need to start telling the truth. How do I get out. If I even metion the fact that I am not sure I want to be with him he says if I cant have you know one will. He even threatens to leave the state with our kids and I will never see them again.

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There must be some organisations around you that can help you? Or possibly some family and friends too?

 

Can you start trying to put some money together for yourself to allow you get out? Since you control the purse strings this may be a little easier.

 

Please, please try to get some help to get you out of this situation.

 

From the sounds of things you may have to do a midnight bunk with the children and find yourself a safe house. You should also try speaking to a solicitor if you can and find out what you can do legally.

 

There are people and organisations out there that can effectively help you in making plans to leave him. Please try to find them and use them... this really doesn't sound a healthy place for you to be. :(

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Thanks for the advise. I have saved some money up. I will be able to pay for all my finances by myself without his help with money (he gets a check for being injured) in January. I want to stay where I am at. I like the house and the kids are in a good school. I dont know how to get him out of the house. If I leave him there he cant afford the bills or the house and my credit will be messed up. I am definitely checking into my options. I know that I am not happy. He is a good father. He can be controlling with the kids at times. It has came to the point where I am the only one that works on homework with them because when he does he yells and screams at them for not doing the work right the first time.

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Ok well it's good that you have some money saved, and you know your financial situation.

 

Perhaps the next step then is some legal advice... I'm sure where you would stand legally with getting him out of the house.

 

If you are concerned that he may be voilent when you ask him to leave, you could arrange to have some assistance on hand etc.?

 

Since you are paying the bills, it seems only fair for you to remain in the house, with the children, where they can continue their lives without too much disruption.

 

It is good that he is a good father, however, IMHO it doesn't set a good scene for your children to see you being controlled in that manner. It's not a demonstration of a healthy relationship, and that's how kids learn about relationships by looking to their parents.

 

I think you are heading in the right direction, and seem to be taking the right steps. Stay strong, I really do understand how hard it can be to get out of these situations. When someone controls you like that it can take a huge amount of your self esteem and confidence.

 

I'm sure it must be hard to walk away from someone you loved/love. But I honestly believe once you have made the break you will see how bad the situation was for your own mental health.

 

But you can keep coming here and we will try to give you the strength to keep going! :)

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When you are married, or even dating, you have to trust them and let them have a life of thier own. Just because you are married or dating does not mean that your life as an individual ends. In fact it makes the relationship better when each person has thier own life because they bring that experience into the shared experience as a couple.

 

What you are going through is no way to live. And he has deep insecurity issues if he needs to be that controlling. And a marriage is not a marriage if abuse is involed. You need to get yourself out of the situation.

 

I wish you the best.

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He has issues and him not working has made them come out even more. He's probably depressed and allowing bad thoughts worry him and wonder what you're really doing while "out in the world", accusing you of things which you are not doing.

 

Suggest to him he goes to see a professional to talk to. He needs it and maybe together you both can go to marriage counselling. He has trust and control issues obviously!

 

If you don't try to fix this problem now it will only get worse as time goes on.

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We went to therapy on time. He wouldnt go back after that because the therapist only concentrated on what my husband was doing wrong. My husband didnt wnt to hear it. He believes that I am the reason we have problems. He didnt want to go back because he said he doesnt believe that he is completely wrong. I suggested that we go back and try it one more time. He said that I can go to counseling but he will not go. There is no point in me going to counseling myself. I did cheat on my husband about 7 years ago. I think this all started because of that. I was fine with it in the beginning because I thought, If this will make him feel better about trusting me I am willing to do what ever it takes. Now it has been 7 years later. He still doesnt trust me. He says he doesnt know if he will ever be able to trust me. It seems that the only time he realy respects me is when he wants sex.

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Did you two go to marriage counselling after the affair? Yes, his insecurities and trust issues have to do with your affair. He has not gotten over it and seems to not want to fix things now.

 

It's time to play hardball. Either he works on the marriage, without blaming eachother as BOTH of you have made mistakes, but now is the time to work together and fix things. Does he want to be married to you? IF so, then he HAS to get off his butt and start working at it. Things won't fix itself... And you have to show him love, it goes both ways.

 

Not accusing you of anything but he feels attacked obviously by seeing a therapist. Hopefully he'll open his eyes once a choice has to be made. Work it out together or end the marriage. Neither of you should suffer like this, it's not fair.

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