Guinne Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 Hi Last night, my husband went out and got drunk all day. He had left his keys behind and banged on the door so I went to open it at 2am. He had been out since 3pm. He had 3 other friends with him all loud and drunk, who wanted to come in and continue the 'party'. One of his friends was holding a guitar as he likes to do sing songs so I knew that would be part of the 'fun'. To compound the problem I was working the next day and we had H's family over for the weekend, which included 3 adults and 4 children (one is a baby). I am also aware that one of the guys he hangs out with takes coke. I said to my H 'This isn't going to happen. I have work tomorrow and your family are staying here'. My H and the friend with the guitar came in anyway and the other 2 followed, rather sheepishly. They proceeded to the front room and I could hear them talking about getting the coke out and grabbing a beer. I went in and saw them snorting coke. (The coke thing is not the end of the world to me as long as it isn't me taking it - However, the fact that I knew baby would be crawling around the room on the floor the next day and like to lean and put his hands on the table was a major concern). I start to get really cross and all I am told is to 'lighten up' or I was asked 'why I was so moody'. My H also told me that this was 'his' house and he could invite friends back if he wanted to. I said this is also my house and yes I wouldn't mind so much if it was a Friday or Saturday - but not a Sunday night. I tried to explain calmly again that I was working and that we had family over who would wake up with all the noise. The guy with the guitar then told my H that he was 'the man of the house' and he shouldn't take this from me. Apparently H should just tell me that this is the way it is and to put up with it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My mother and sister in law then woke up and came downstairs and also told them it was not Ok to stay. Eventually they left after alot of shouting. I got to sleep eventually but I was wound up so it took me a while. Today my husband hasn't gone to work, even though he said he had an important day. I'm just completely exhausted by the whole thing. I guess I just needed to vent really. But I also ask, why would he put me in such a position? I'm normally quite a flexible girl but when this sort of stuff happens it just makes me so unhappy. Today I feel like some sort of tyrant party pooper and the funniest thing is I'm expecting to go home and him ask me why I am so selfish. I like to party but there is a time and place. Guinne Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 You did the right thing end of story. Your husband has no right to impose his drunken, drug using, loud lifestyle upon your family and guests. If anyone was selfish it is him. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 I read three of your posts this morning, Guinne. In each post, it was apparent that you are being mistreated in your relationship due to your husband's abuse of alcohol. This is NOT the way marriage is supposed to be. It's not the norm. It's only normal for relationships in which one or both partners have a drinking problem. Your husband may, or may not, be an alcoholic. At the minimum, it's safe to say that his drinking is a problem. He's losing love and respect in his relationship with his wife, and apparently not going to work today. Have you contacted Al-Anon? Do you have any kind of strategy for how you're going to deal with all this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Guinne Posted November 7, 2005 Author Share Posted November 7, 2005 Hi Ladyjane14 (and Craig) Thanks for responding. There seems to be 2 problems in our relationship. One is the drinking and the other is verbal abuse. They don't always go together, he doesn't have to be drunk to be abusive. Most of the time we don't have problems, but when we do they are usually huge and take massive chunks away from our relationship. Do I have a strategy? I guess not at the moment. But the history of this is that I left him for a few days five months ago, after he told me the marriage was over (for about the 10th time - we have been married for 2 years). He said the marriage was over because we hadn't had sex for 7 days, even though we are normally quite active that way. He uses threats like that to manipulate and says that he doesn't mean it. I got so fed up I took his advice and I did leave. I returned after he had made a promise to go to counselling, which he did for a few months but then he quit. Our relationship has improved since, at least on the verbal abuse side of things, which is positive. However, he still binge drinks which makes him aggressive and self centred. I don't really have a plan now, I just hoped that things would get better as he had had some counselling. But it looks like that was wishful thinking in the long run. I have considered al-anon and have read up about it. I'm not too sure it is relevant for binge drinkers. If he binge drinks he has some control over it as he does it every few weeks, rather than drinking every day. I'm just not too sure about Alanon, which seems to centre on how the non alcoholic copes. If it gets so bad, I would rather not cope with it and leave the marriage. (Just my viewpoint on alanon, which may not be correct). Anyway, it helps to post here. Thank you for listening. Guinne Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 If he binge drinks he has some control over it as he does it every few weeks, rather than drinking every day Not really. It's just another flavor of alcoholism. By all means contact Al-Anon. You should not have to live this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted November 7, 2005 Share Posted November 7, 2005 You need to get out there and find what works for you. Al-anon might be it or at least be a start. On the abuse side of things you definitely need to talk to someone that has experience with abuse. Believe me when I say that what you are experiencing has been experienced by countless women and men that are in abusive relationships. There are many types of abuse and there is no excuse at all for abuse. Here are some links that might help. http://womensissues.about.com/od/domesticviolence/a/dvquiz.htm http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/cycle.htm http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html Also, make a call to a domestic violence center in your area. Get an appointment to talk to an advocate or a counselor. They understand what you are going through and will probably provide some insights that you never thought of. Just talking to someone who really understands your situation, knowing that you are not alone in your experience and starting to do something good for yourself is going to make you feel a whole lot better. Best of luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 You went back after he agreed to go to counseling. The moment he quit going to counseling with issues unresolved you should have left again. He came back upon certain conditions he wasn't willing to meet, and you gave in. In effect, you let him manipulate you when you allowed the condition he violated to go unchecked. It's clear to me that this is a man who will walk all over your boundaries. You have to know what these boundaries are, post them, and vigilantly protect them. He can only abuse you if you let him keep violating your boundaries. But it's your responsibility to be very clear with him what these boundaries are. Best wishes! Let us know how things go with you, ok? Link to post Share on other sites
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