What do I do?

[flowrgrl77]

I don't talk about this to anyone else, mostly because I wouldn't know how. My husband and I have been married since January and have been together for almost 4 years now. In that time period there has been an ongoing problem that seems to be getting worse. My husband has a problem with pornography, or I do i'm not sure. When we first met I knew he looked at it and it didn't really bother me than, our relationship was new and he was more interested in me than the porn. As time went by we started having sex less and less, and I would catch him masturbating to porn on the computer. He promised many many times never to do it again. We even made a deal one time that if we could watch it together he wouldn't do it anymore but he still continued. Not to mention the only times we would have sex would be spent with him stopping every couple of minutes to fast forward the porn or change it to something he liked better. He's broken so many promises and lied to me so many times about it, I always find out sooner or later and even than he will sometimes try to outright lie to me like I'm stupid and I can't see what's going on. I left the house for 30 minutes once to go to the grocery store and when I came back he was sitting at the computer in his underwear with toilet paper shoved in his pants. He completely denied he was doing anything... In the past when I've been really aroused he has even refused to have sex with me and would rather masturbate to the computer. What really bothers me more is that he is almost 8 years older than me and when I met him I was 18. He has a thing for girls that look young and petite, and I'm getting older and I don't think he's as attracted to me. For awhile the only time he would have sex with me was when he would wake up in the middle of the night for a 5 minute quickie. And even than that was at the most only every 2 weeks. It's gotten worse, I'm pregnant now and we haven't had sex since he found out. We planned to get pregnant but it's like suddenly his sex drive dissapeared. I found out he's been looking at porn again and masturbating instead of being with me. It hurts so much, I try to tell him how it makes me feel but he doesn't seem to care. It's gotten to the point where I really resent him and can't wait for Saturday when he has to work and I get to be by myself away from him. Whenever he is home he ignores me the whole time and is either on the computer or off hiding in the garage. He has been very depressed also off and on throughout our relationship which he will rarely ever talk about. He finally went on medication which helped him a little bit but he is still depressed off and on and now his sex drive is lower than ever and the little sex drive he does have he uses on the computer. He refuses to go to counseling either for himself or for us as a couple, and when I try to talk to him about it he tells me he doesn't know why he is depressed and says he has always been that way since he can remember. It's not that I don't understand how he feels when it comes to depression I was on medication myself throughout my teenage years for severe depression. I just don't know what to do anymore, he continues to lie to me until he gets caught again and even than pretends like nothings happening. When he does get caught he gets defensive and yells at me and walks off. He thinks its normal to masurbate more than being with your wife because he says his dad does it too and that makes it ok. His mom thinks I'm crazy because all guys do it and it's normal. She of course doesn't know about any of this just that I'm now uncomfortable with porn for some reason and she doesn't know that's it's because of my experience with it. Yes I know all guys do it, but I don't think its normal to always want the cold computer over your living breathing wife. Am I crazy? I feel like I'm going nuts over this, but I don't know what to do anymore, my husband won't even talk to me about it and I'm starting to close up emotionally. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[LM1LT]

Hi, your husband needs counseling. Solo, couples, or both. What he's doing is an actual psychological disorder and an addiction. (much like drinking or gambling) The most important thing is to not be overly critical of him or berate him because of his behavior. You want to be supportive while at the same time letting him know that if he is not willing to put a wholehearted effort into changing, that you will not stick around. There's nothing wrong with a little porn, either looking at it solo or together, but when someone starts choosing porn over a living person, it is. Good luck.

[IsHeListening]

YOU ARE HIS WIFE...THE MOTHER OF HIS UNBORN CHILD!

if he cannot respect you enough to stop doing this with porn he doesnt deserve a family with you. A lot of the time people stay together because of the children, but most of the time they end up divorcing anyway when the child is older. I am not saying that divorce is the answer but something to seriously think about. Your body is the only body that he should admire, lust over, and think about. Come on girl, do what is the right thing for you and your unborn child.

[lilmoma1973]

YOU ARE HIS WIFE...THE MOTHER OF HIS UNBORN CHILD!

if he cannot respect you enough to stop doing this with porn he doesnt deserve a family with you. A lot of the time people stay together because of the children, but most of the time they end up divorcing anyway when the child is older. I am not saying that divorce is the answer but something to seriously think about. Your body is the only body that he should admire, lust over, and think about. Come on girl, do what is the right thing for you and your unborn child.

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Totally agree with ishelistening !!! I don't particularly like porn and think it is wrong when men look at it!! It makes people think these women and men have no flaws and are perfect and makes us look ugly can make us insecure and start to think we aren't good enough for our partners !!! I think your husband has a addiction to porn and should go to some porn annonomous group or go see a counselor and you two work on your marriage .. He is in love with his porn more than you and that is a bad thing .. I think porn does somthing to us mentally and messes with our head and makes people want to look at more extreme things because the normal is good enough!!!You have a child to think about and if you want to be with him he needs help!!! Good luck hope it works out for you

[Thinkalot]

Yep- he has a problem...and it needs to be sorted out, as the others have said. Is counselling an option?

This is very unfair on you...he seems addicted to porn.

You sound balanced, and even open to watching porn with him...the fact that he is choosing porn over you and lying about it is a huge problem...a lack of respect, and clearly an issue/addiction he has.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation- i truly hope he is willing to address it, and that you are able to communicate how serious this is.

 

The thing is, i personally dont have a problem with porn as such, or couples watching it sometimes, or guys sometimes watching it. But that is quite different to a man who puts it before his own wife. Now that you are pregnant and about to start a family with this man, it is vitally important this is addressed. All the best to you.

[sumdude]

Well I won't do any yelling regarding morality or right or wrong but... This is an obvious addiction and it sounds like there may be deep seated emotional issues involved. Be prepared for a long road ahead. Especially if he refuses to see psychologists.

[jesse01]

My sisters first husband did the exact same thing. Would come home from work, walk into the computer room and LOCK THE DOOR! He wouldn't come out till she went to bed, and then he'd sleep on the couch because "his back hurt". They hadn't slept in the bed together for over a year when they separated. This of coarse was not the case when they married, it progressively got worse. What finally made her leave? She realized that a problem can't be fixed between 2 people if only one is willing to work on it. That and she found out he had run up THOUSANDS of dollars on credit cards that she didn't know about from porn sites, which hurt her credit because half the debt fell on her. He admitted it was a problem but wouldn't do anything about it. But of coarse lashed out at her when it came to an end - because he knew it was his fault and couldn't deal with it. I don't mean to bring you down but just remember this - after hey separated, they didn't see each other for over a month. When he came to pick up his stuff she was worried that seeing him would make her want him back. She said the second he walked through the door, it was like he had never left and she couldn't wait for him to leave. She had gotton used to being without him and realized how peaceful and happy she had been. You seem like a strong woman, you deserve a strong man. Good luck with everything, I'll be praying for you!

[grey-butterfly]

God, what an a**h***! I am so sorry!!!

 

I think he seriously needs counseling, I hope you don't feel like this is your fault because it's not. This guy definitely has a serious addiction. You don't deserve this kind of treatment.

 

I think that all couples are different, and that I'm sure that some can be okay with one person looking at porn. But it is obviously nothing but a determent to your relationship, he needs to grow up and learn that marriage means you have to make sacrifices for the ones you love.

 

Anyway, I'm dealing with the same thing with my husband, but not this bad. I hope things improve, hang in there <3