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a wife that does not respect me


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My situation is this, I got married and moved to another state for my wifes' job. She is perfectly fine with being far away from family and she has no real close friends. On the other hand I do and, although we have met friends in the current town, I still am close with my friends and family back home. Since I have moved to this town her career has flourished while mine is non-existent. I had a job and got downsized after 2 years, my last job was a rotating 3 shift factory job in which I made no money and was not utilizing my college degree at all. I am getting ready to begin another job in this town that I think will be better but my wife thinks basically I am a failure and let her down. She thought I would have accomplished more in the 5 years of our marriage. The fact is I have intensively been searching for career jobs but have had little success in this much smaller city I am living in. She has made more money than I since we have been married and feels like she has been cheated out of a better life. I am thinking of leaving, I moved here for her, for her career, hoping that mine would soon fall in place which so far, it has'nt. I can not be with someone who thinks I am a loser when I am tryinig very hard to get on the right track. Does anyone have some advise?

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Did you tell her that exactly like you did here? I feel like you guys simply need to talk this out. You obviously love her very much; since you're not the one making the most money right now, do you pay a little more attention to the romantic side of your relationship? I wouldn't mind being the one making the most money if my husband made up for it love-wise ;) It's sad when relationships only boil down to technical money aspects, it's easy to forget the love in all of that; although of course I completely understand your frustration and find it sad that you have already sacrificed so much for so little. Don't give up though!

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I totally think I meet her needs in that department, if anything, she does not meet my needs. I do a majority of the cleaning and house work, she works and goes to grad school 3 nights a week. She told me last night that she wanted to go to a marriage councilor to resolve her issues, I told her I have no issues that she could go if she could not talk to me. The main issues are credit card debt, we have it, we are not going to get rid of it overnight but it bothers her. She believes that since I have not been that successful in the career department that this is the way it is going to be forever, she wants re-assurance, who does'nt? I told her that I would do my best that there are no garauntees in life (except death and taxes) but I do not think that is enough. I guess I am getting pretty tired of her issues.:confused: :confused:

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Communication is always key.

 

I think you're more concerned with someone, namely your wife, thinking or believing you're a loser.

 

If I were you, I'd not let that get to me. Tough titty if she thinks that of you. Stay there, carry on and continue striving for your goals.

 

Just because things seem a little bleek, don't let it get to you.....

 

Choose to have a nice day.

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Burt, have you told your wife how you feel?

 

Have you looked for positions that suit your education and experience in other areas of the country? Would she be willing to move there if that would be best for you both? Have you discussed together how you can both make the best of (both of) your job prospects? Try to see it as something you need to do together, rather than focusing on your having moved to be with her, and her now not appreciating that sacrifice on your part. Try to move on from that, and towards a goal of pulling together.

 

Good luck.

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Believe me, I have discussed this with her and on the topic of moving she gets mad because she is doing exactly what she wants as a career and making more money than she actually should be, thus moving so that I can seek a career would cause her to sacrifice her salary. She also claims that she probably would not be able to find a job like the one she has and would have to take something a job that is not exactly what she wanted. Since I have been here I have taken jobs just because we need the money, I have always had that pressure of trying to get a paycheck reguardless of whether It is what I want to do as a career.

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So your wife is actually calling you a failure because you can't manage to organise your life around hers?

 

Does she call you a failure? Or do you feel yourself a failure? What degree of importance does the 'missing friends and family' play in your view of the situation?

 

Did you fully appreciate the changes in your life that you would be making when you moved to be with her? What has changed since then?

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I don't know, Burt. You sound like a nice guy who's got his head on his shoulders and his feet on the ground. Of course, I'm only getting one side of the story and I'm sure your wife would find other things to say; but from the way it sounds, she's not really caring about your feelings. I think you two need to take a day to relax together and talk it all out.

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Based on this information, I am contiplating packing up and moving back to my hometown, where the job opportunities are plentiful and I have close friends and family. Should I give her an altimatum?:confused:

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I've heard ultimatums are a bad idea. You sound like a loving husband who wants to do more in order to provide for your family. You should both try going to marriage counselling before making any final decisions. Everyone has "issues" and you could at least learn how to better communicate with one another. Don't give up yet.

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but what about what she thinks about me? I can not live with a person who thinks that basically I am worthless, I have contributed a lot for this woman and just because my career is not where hers is does not mean that I am a failure, I will not let her get me down, but it is a thing that you just can not forget you know?

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Does anyone have some advise

you have two choices, BURT....

 

1) Divorce her, then move to a larger city and get yourself a career job

2) Move to a larger city and get yourself a career job and stay married to her but find another woman to hang with on the sly. Then divorce your wife.

 

Personally, I would recommend option #1, but #2 ain't bad either...

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Well Burt she did offer to go to marriage counseling with you and you didn't see fit to go with her. We can't waive a magic wand and make things right for you. You have to do some of the work yourself and if getting into marriage counseling is what it takes then you have to do it.

 

Think of it this way, if you move out and don't give the marriage every chance to succeed that you can then in the future you will be wondering what if you had. You have the chance that so many people would love to have in a spouse that wants to go to marriage counseling.

 

Get your butt to the marriage counselor with your wife and start working on making your marriage a good one.

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Well Burt she did offer to go to marriage counseling with you and you didn't see fit to go with her. We can't waive a magic wand and make things right for you. You have to do some of the work yourself and if getting into marriage counseling is what it takes then you have to do it.

I disagree here CRAIG, it is his wife who has the problem here and not him. There is a gross imbalance of power in the marriage due to his wife's career and his lack of one. No amount of couseling will repair this and his wife's lack of respect.

 

 

Think of it this way, if you move out and don't give the marriage every chance to succeed that you can then in the future you will be wondering what if you had.

He could also lose a number of years and still have the marriage fail 5 or 10 yrs down the line.... I say that he bail now and get his life back on track.

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She told me last night that she wanted to go to a marriage councilor to resolve her issues, I told her I have no issues that she could go if she could not talk to me.

 

Yes you do have issues - rather THE MARRIAGE has issues which is why you go to a marriage counselor. Do you not realize that the counselor may be able to persuade your wife that she's being unfair to you - something that hasn't sunken in yet when you tell her? Sometimes it takes a professional to wake people up.

 

My take is if you refuse to see a counselor, you've only yourself to blame. It's like refusing to see a mechanic when your car isn't working. You don't get to bitch when the car quits running if you can't be bothered getting it fixed.

 

Alphamale, why would you bother advising someone about his marriage when you don't believe in marriage?

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that is what my friends are saying, but I have never been in this situation before, I am just thinking of the severity of leaving or getting a divorce. Do I dare go through with this or stick it out some more to see if it gets better and before we get kids involved?

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I disagree here CRAIG, it is his wife who has the problem here and not him. There is a gross imbalance of power in the marriage due to his wife's career and his lack of one. No amount of counseling will repair this and his wife's lack of respect.
I acknowledge your point of view, my point of view is that the counseling MAY be a way to get his wife to understand the impact of the apparent power imbalance and make changes that make the marriage worthwhile.

 

 

He could also lose a number of years and still have the marriage fail 5 or 10 yrs down the line.
There are no guarantees in life.
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Alphamale, why would you bother advising someone about his marriage when you don't believe in marriage?

I was married for 3.5 yrs OUTCAST....it was not working for me and I was very unhappy (:( ) so I got out of it. Probably one of the best moves I ever made...

 

Do I dare go through with this or stick it out some more to see if it gets better and before we get kids involved?

If the marriage is bad to begin with then adding children into the mix will usually make it worse....and then YOU would be the "house-husband". I can see it now, you staying home 24/7, taking care of the kids, cleaning, cooking, watching soaps, etc....That will really increase your wife's respect for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I disagree here CRAIG, it is his wife who has the problem here and not him. There is a gross imbalance of power in the marriage due to his wife's career and his lack of one. No amount of couseling will repair this and his wife's lack of respect.

 

 

 

He could also lose a number of years and still have the marriage fail 5 or 10 yrs down the line.... I say that he bail now and get his life back on track.

 

 

I disagree on this alpha where you said it was the wife who has the problem. That makes it look like shes to blame for all the issues they have. When in fact in a marriage somewhere along the line both parties usually have a hand in contributing to some issue going on.

 

 

 

Jade

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Makes sense, I have thought about that. I have definitely reversed my roles since marriage. I used to play sports, hang out with the fellas see my family etc. Now, I have lost interest in most of those things and usually just end up sitting at home like I am now...

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but what about what she thinks about me? I can not live with a person who thinks that basically I am worthless, I have contributed a lot for this woman and just because my career is not where hers is does not mean that I am a failure, I will not let her get me down, but it is a thing that you just can not forget you know?

 

 

We all like to have our spouse or s/o think good things of us and no we don't like to look like or seem like a faliure to anyone. I'm sorry you feel that she thinks you're are worthless. However, you need to start with yourself. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to depend upon others to make you feel worthy. Feeling worthy or good about yourself should come from the inside. Yes i understand that if she verbally told you that you're worthless how that would make you feel, and if it was told to you often enough then you would probably begin to believe it. Not sure if thats the case here, but reguardless you need to believe that you are worthy, and not depend upon her to make you feel you are or not.

 

 

 

Jade

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Last night was basically one of the several times she has expressed her disapointment and concern of my career success. I am only 32, but she acts like I should be CEO of a company by now after 5 years of marriage, I do not feel worthless myself, but do I deserve to be married to a person who I know thinks that way deep down? And will she always feel that way? This is what I can not deal with.

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Last night was basically one of the several times she has expressed her disappointment and concern of my career success. I am only 32, but she acts like I should be CEO of a company by now after 5 years of marriage, I do not feel worthless myself, but do I deserve to be married to a person who I know thinks that way deep down? And will she always feel that way? This is what I can not deal with.
When a person is depressed and/or has other issues it can be hard for them to see their true potential. Maybe you won't be a CEO but I doubt that anyone in the world would think that you can't be more than you are allowing yourself to be.

 

You have to take the initiative and force yourself to get better. Leaving your wife and going back to the place you came from will only result in you finding that the place you left has changed and you are still around. You need to work on yourself and work on your marriage with you team mate, AKA your wife.

 

If in the end you have done everything possible and gone above and above the call then I would support you leaving your marriage but Burt you haven't even begun to start working on your marriage.

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You need to work on yourself and work on your marriage with you team mate, AKA your wife.

Well CRAIG...if his wife is his "team-mate" then he definitely does not need any enemies...

 

I suggest that BURT and wifey have a six month trial seperation where he moves to another city with better job opportunites for him. If he feels better after 6 months of seperation then he should file for divorce.

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