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having hard time young mother


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Hi,

I need some help. I am 20 years old and I got pregnant when I was 16 and my husband and I have a 4 year old boy. We are about to start marriage counselling. But honestly, I feel like that is about as good as putting a band-aid on a broken leg. We are constantly broke, he works at a low paying part time job while he goes to school. I stay home all day with no transportation, while he goes to school and work. We have lived with his mom for 5 YEARS and I feel like we have a brother sister relationship, b/c we have never had the opportunity to actually enjoy any privacy. His mom is bi-polar and I try my best to keep the house together b/c it is literally falling apart. My mom has paid for air conditioning units, microwaves, sinks, etc. for his MOM's house. My mom basically supports us. We did move out one time, but he slit someone's tires at work and got fired, so we had to move back in. I chalked it up to his being young and niave, b/c I do love him and he has never been unfaithful to me. He grew up without a father, and he loves our son dearly. I feel no sexual attraction to him, due to our stressful life and always having his mom around. I feel like I have no faith in him anymore, b/c we have no savings to move out and he keeps digging our hole deeper. He contantly gets traffic tickets and wastes our money. For example, last week 4 traffic tickets totalling $1200 at least. Two were for no insurance which he hadn't paid since JULY! although I kept asking him if he had been paying it, and he repeatedly assured me he had. ( He makes about $300 every 2 weeks btw.) I'm so tired of being the main source of income (via my mom) and being the stay at home mom and cleaning up everyone's filthy messes. I feel like I might as well be on my own, since I do it ALL. He doesn't understand why I don't want sex with him. ( His mom's room is sepparated from ours by a thin wall. I even feel disgusted that he actually CAN function sexually in this situation!)) I keep giving him chances b/c he loves me and I want our son to have a father. But I feel like it's not fair that I have to decide between taking away my son's father or not providing a decent life for him, or me for that matter. Going home seems more and more appealing all the time. I could move in with my parents, start going to school and move on from there. I am also upset b/c I feel like I am wasting my intellectual potential b/c I am just a stay at "home" mom. I know we are still young and problems are expected, but it has been 5 YEARS and I cannot continue to live like this and waste my life away. My son loves his father. I feel like he ( my son) will resent me when he's older if I leave my husband. But I resent my husband and we end up fighting in front of my son and nothing ever changes. I have never left him before, and I think I want to do it only so he will see that I am serious about how he needs to improve. He sees himself as a victim all the time ( none of those tickets were HIS fault!) and never does anything to improve himself or our situation. He does have ADD but we are uninsured and can't afford even the marriage counselling, which his mom is providing. =sigh= We are worse off now than 5 years ago, since he hasn't been taking care of the car my college savings paid for and it now needs $800 worth of work, which wouldn't be a problem if he had never gotten all those tickets. It will be months before we can fix it, b/c I will not ask my mom to pay for his mistakes again. So we have no home, no sex life, no car ( he uses the van his mom uses which actually belongs to his grandmother.) and at this point I don't even know how I would feel if he did miraculously get us a place of our home. My wish is for us to be a happy family, but it seems impossible. He thinks that he does everything right, since he is in school and working, but it is not enough. Please help! I will answer questions if needed.

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but I will tell you what my mom told me after I had my son. (I wasn't as young as you, but I was young!) Either you are committed to him and the family or you aren't. I don't judge you either way. You can't wallow, it isn't good for your or your child. So either you are going to stay and try your best, or you are going to leave. But you need to make a decision. Don't let everyone give you the whole "you married him and have a child so you have to live with it" speech. The circumstances are different when you are still a child yourself. But no one can tell you what to do anymore. Now you are about to be a grown woman. You are the only mom your child is going to get, and it is your job to do the best thing you can for him/her.

 

Your future can only be secured by your own actions. You can't count on him or his family to take care of yourself forever. You need to go to school and get an education. If your child is 4, then it is almost time to start kindergarten. As soon as that happens, you can go to school while he/she is at school. If you want it to happen, you can find a way to do it. Making yourself a better person may help you appreciate each other in the long run.

 

DO NOT leave as a threat. Only leave if you are serious about leaving.

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Thanks for your advice. I still feel like a child in a lot of ways. My husband is very parental towards me. I have to ask his permission for such and such, yet he is free to do as he pleases. It's so hard b/c he is a good guy in so many ways. Is giving him an ultimatum bad? Like saying, I'll live at my mom's until he can take care of us?

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Ultimatums are never a good idea. If you want to go to your mom's, then you should go. But don't put strings on it. You will always feel like a child if you live as a child. In order to be a good partner, you have to know your ability to provide for your child and family. That doesn't mean you have to be a working mom. It means that you have to at least have a college education and the ability to get good work if you have to. When you know you can take care of yourself and your child, it isn't as hard to let someone take care of you.

 

I know it seems like ultimatums will get your point across, but they rarely work out the way you plan.

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I want to be with him, but not like this. I feel that by staying here, I enable him to take me for granted. I won't be independent by moving to my mom's, I know, but it's a start. I'm sick of depending on other people when I am perfectly capable of doing things for myself. I know he doesn't screw up on purpose most of the time, but he seems unconcerned with getting out of his mom's place. I'm afraid to be the "bad guy" in the situation, but I feel like I need to do what's best for me and my child. I have mentioned going to my mom's house to him before and he says that he would quit his job and quit school, like that's his threat. I feel like he says that just to keep me here, I know that he wouldn't do either of those things. In fact, I think he would try to get his sh*t together. But you say ultimatums don't work out....

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but what you are talking about isn't an ultimatum. If you move out and get yourself together and he gets himself together and you get back together and you're happy, that is wonderful. Nothing wrong with that. But don't leave thinking it will make that happen. Leave because you think it is the right thing to do right now. It's always okay to hope for the best. Sometimes hope is all the keeps us going. I'm just saying don't let leaving be only because you think you can emotionally blackmail him into doing what you want. He'll only resent you later.

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I see what you are saying. I completely intend on going to school. I am in the process of getting my grant right now. I am not just threatening to leave, I will do it. I will be really really sad and that scares me. I really do want things to turn out right for us, and I think this could help. Marriage counselling is on Friday. Should I attend that first, before making any plans? I was kind of thinking that it might be beneficial to us if we weren't living together and constantly fighting throughout our counselling.

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RecordProducer

I think you would be better off if you move in with your parents and finish school (and perhaps college). This marriage seems to be doomed anyway. You're half-way out of it in your mind. Your child can have a father even if you're separated. He will be better off living in a happy family than in a mess.

 

You don't feel like living with your husband and you're suffocated by the circumstances. I am actually surprised you stayed for so long.

 

Perhaps you could go back to your parents and see if you and your son are happier there. If you don't miss your husband then your marriage is a lie anyway. If you miss him, you can still date him regularly until you're both financially capable of living on your own as a normal family.

 

You are a child yourself and you still need a mother, so to say. :)

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We were (and are) young, but our marriage was founded in love. That's why I have stayed so long. I have completed high school, and am on my way to college, regardless of where I am living. I want my marriage to work, and I think dating my husband would be thrilling. I don't want a divorce, I just want a place in the world for my family. I want to say that this is a wonderful site. So few people actually support marriage nowadays. It is nice to see people encouraging each other. I am not going to waste my intellect, and I have learned not to put all of my eggs in one basket, so to speak. Thank you for your comments and your time, they are appreciated.

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Sounds like a tough road you chose, poster. As you may have discovered, Love is REALLY important but Love isn't all that marriage requires.

 

Marriage also require teamwork, mutual respect, responsible behavior from both parties, patience and committment.

 

It sounds like your DH has issues with many of the above. If he requires you to 'ask permission' to do things, he is in essence infantilizing you and keeping you in the child's role, which is frustrating to say the least. The fact that he is doing immature, irresponsible things like racking up expensive tickets contributes enormously to your lack of sexual response to him. I completely 'get' that.

Plus the fact that you living with a mentally imbalanced person (his mom).....oy.

 

Hon, I'd move out and stay with your mom for a while. You need to get going on school and get your life back on track.

Your DH needs to start taking responsibility, which means facing the fact that HE is responsible (at least partially) for getting tickets, losing a job and keeping the two of you in this financial hole.

 

I think you'd both benefit from marriage counseling; I think some physical distance, plus counseling, might actually help you piece your marriage back together.

 

Good luck

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Heavenlyflower9

Hi Mcgee!

I agree with the other posters. Move in with your parents and start school. Even if it's going part time and working part time. Check with the local PCI's (Parent Child Inc.) This a FREE public program! Some preschools accept 4 year olds. PCI or what is there in your town deals with families with low incomes. Could your mom watch your son while you're in school or work?

Chin up and think positive!! It has to get better and it must!!

 

As for your H! Let him know how you feel. I'm sure deep down he does'nt like the living arrangments either. It's important that yall communicate! Time away from each other just might give him a WAKE UP call! It can't keep going on like this.

 

Marriage counseling will be good for yall. And once you (yall) are doing well financially, you'll feel relieved to have your own place. I wish you the best of luck and keep us updated! Take care.

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yeah, i think you should sit down and have a deep talk w/ your man. tell him how living in this situation is making you depressed, and how u want to better urself. he can still come to your parents house and visit.... since you wont be around each other all the time, the fighting will probably decrease, and you guys will start on the right track. he'll have time for himself to really think things out and see what he needs to do in life. just talk to him w/o fighting and im sure he'll understand.

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You better start living for YOU instead of everyone else.

 

When your boy is old and on his own and making a life better then you ever had you will sit back and regret everything (exception of your son of course).

 

In the end, you want to have something. Yes, your boy is your life now but do you want to be the older mom with being a clerk or a waitress the only thing your qualified for? Your saying that you are going to go to college and that is great, I hope you mange to get there with all the other day to day things you have to do. And the later you go back the less chance of a decent job. Jobs today are easy to get ... that is when you are younger.

 

I think HIS family should start making their own living, and I think your mom should shut her pocket book up for this family. Yes, your son would not be here with out him but hey, what does him and his family provide for you and your son??? Seriously? Who buys his clothes? I would put a bet on it that your mother does, Does he contribute to the care of his son at all? Does his mother? You get a "dirty" roof over your head... but is it worth it?

 

I don't think it is! You CAN go home to your family. YOU CAN get a job + education, YOU will be able to pay for child care for your son. Makke something of yourself. Leave your husband,. You were just too young to begin with.. and although you cannot do anything about that now, you can start making changes for you. You boy won't resent you!!! He will still see his father, if anything he will thank you when he is growing up, (13 -15 yrs) and you have a decent house for him to being his friends over to, and a nice running car, him having nice clothes, he will say thank you mom, you made the right decision for me!

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I had to re-scheduel the counselling b/c of insurance reasons. Our new appointment is this Friday, so I will let you know. I have talked to my parents and they have told me that I (and my son) am welcome so long as I get a job and start school (college). I intend to do both. I am going to try and get a job answering phone calls. It has a late shift of 7pm-2am, so I would not need baby-sitting, as my son would be asleep and my parents would be at home. Then I would be free to take a few classes during the day. I spoke with my husband and told him what I was thinking about doing. However, I don't think he took me seriously.

I left town this weekend to visit a girlfriend of mine. ( something hubby would normally never let me do, but he knows he's in the doghouse, and I just kind of told him how it was.) I wanted to see if I would miss him, and I did. But, when I got home, he had more bad news to drop on me. He used his grandma's credit card and now owes her $900. He brushed it off like he'll just pay her back when it's conveinient to him and he already talked to her about it etc. I am ashamed of him. That woman is 80-something years old and he is abusing her kindness. And it's HIS grandma! btw the $900 were for things that he bought off of e-bay that he didn't need. ( An airbrush gun for model cars. ANOTHER toolbox)

I know what I need to do and I have set everything up. But I am just having a really hard time going through with it all. I don't need any more reasons. Just some courage. This site is helping a lot. I'm afraid to be sad. I'm afraid to be alone. I'm afraid to hurt my husband, even though I feel like he forced me into this situation. Any more advice would be appreciated. Thanks, you guys.

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Awe, Listen magee, YOU WILL BE OK! I promise you that. Think about all the "worrying" the "missing" your doing over your husband while he is NOT missing you and NOT out purchasing your son something but out using his grandmothers cc, no less to buy "toys" for him. He is very selfish and no, he won't take you serious. Reason why is that you two have been together since you were KIDS<, and with that comes "kid games" well, once you had your son you became an adult, he obviously has not grown up yet... but once you and your son walk out that door and him and his mom are struggling without their "Susie homemaker" he will then know how much you meant to him... all a bit too late though!

 

YOU can do it!!!!! Go and make a good life for you and your boy. Consider yourself VERY lucky to have the parents that you do. Now, go and make us all proud and pack your bags,, remember - I promise it will work out to your benefit!! Hugs!!

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