stampgirl Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 hi all.. new to this forum, just looking for some opinions. a little background..I am 35 and my husband is 29. I don't know what to think because he doesnt seem to want sex more than once or twice a month. He works at home on a web based business of his own, and I work part time, so i dont think that being overworked is the problem. He used to be very interested and as a matter of fact told me I wasnt meeting his par a while ago! I just dont understand and I feel very lost. I love him with all my heart. I am just afraid maybe he has tired of me. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 Here's an idea: Ask him. Talk to him. Be upfront, casual and non-confrontational. Changes in sex life is a normal part of being together, but it's also often a symptom of something else going on in the relationship. That doesn't portend disaster, but the only way to get to the bottom of this is to communicate. Good luck. BTW... Love the avatar! I think I used to go out with her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampgirl Posted October 21, 2005 Author Share Posted October 21, 2005 thanks for the reply...I took your advice and gave it a shot. he only said "don't say that" to my question of whether or not he still wants me. However I won't give up on it because it's worth it to me to fix if there is any problem I can fix. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 he only said "don't say that" to my question of whether or not he still wants me. Nononononono... A "do you want me anymore" question is highly emotionally charged, and most men's predictable responses will be to shut down. It's one of those, "Do I look fat in these pants?" questions, for which there is no answer that won't lead to a potentially emotionally charged exchange. Keep it as emotionally neutral as possible. Stay factual, and try to phrase your questions and comments in such a way that is clear and unambiguous. For instance, instead of an accusatory "you never want to have sex with me anymore," you may try something like, "I miss the closeness that we used to share. I miss the touching and the cuddling and the lovemaking. I love you, and I'd like us to get closer, like we used to be. Are you willing to talk about it?" Something like that, anyway. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 Nononononono... A "do you want me anymore" question is highly emotionally charged, and most men's predictable responses will be to shut down. It's one of those, "Do I look fat in these pants?" questions, for which there is no answer that won't lead to a potentially emotionally charged exchange. I agree. My fiance refuses to answer questions like this. I've gotten to the point when I think of a question like this that I burst out laughing and tell him whatever it was that I was "thinking" of asking him. It makes complete sense that we get unhelpful answers to questions that were actually saying, "Whatever you say, I'm going to be hurt and upset. Either because you're being truthful, or I think you aren't." Gotta rephrase to something that sounds less like a bomb waiting to go off. I think slubber's idea works. Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 Why don't you try to seduce him and start the action in bed instead of waiting for him to do so? Guys love it when girls take the lead lol I know it drives mine crazy, and he keeps reminding me when things get a little boring hahah Anyway, really, although communication is VERY important, the action is worth a thousand words Link to post Share on other sites
CarmenIbanez Posted October 21, 2005 Share Posted October 21, 2005 Why don't you try to seduce him and start the action in bed instead of waiting for him to do so? Guys love it when girls take the lead lol I know it drives mine crazy, and he keeps reminding me when things get a little boring hahah Anyway, really, although communication is VERY important, the action is worth a thousand words I completely agree! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampgirl Posted October 22, 2005 Author Share Posted October 22, 2005 you're all right, I should have brought it up in a more neutral way. which is why I came to this forum in the first place, to get some honest advice. As far as starting things up instead of waiting for him, that's why I figure we have a problem. I "take the lead" quite frequently, only to be turned down. So that's where I get confused, I don't know whether to back off or what. I'm not at him so much that he can't breathe or anything..and he'll say stuff to me during the day, telling me how sexy I am, how much he loves me, and how he can't wait to get me alone. It's just that when we get there all that seems to go out the window. I hope I don't sound like a whiner, I'm just completely at a loss for what to think, and I appreciate everyone's replies, they help me take a look at myself Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted October 22, 2005 Share Posted October 22, 2005 Well now, that's weird. I mean, he says one thing and does another. Is he secretly a woman? lol Anyway, I guess the only thing that's left to do is talk it out. Try to get him to explain all these little paradoxes, because you don't know where you're standing anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampgirl Posted October 26, 2005 Author Share Posted October 26, 2005 ok.. so after a lenghty chat, he finally admitted, that although he may say that stuff during the day, sometimes, come bedtime he's too wiped out to follow through. He assured me that he is most definately very much in love (and lust) with me, and in no way meant to make me feel any different. So I myself have taken a step back and realized that maybe I overanalize everything. I was married for 12 years to a guy beforehand and he did nothing but lie, cheat and lie some more, so I think maybe I take it the wrong way when I'm not the center of attention. I have never been given any reason to suspect any sort of wrongdoing on the part of my present husband, so I'm taking a deep breath, and trying not to take every action so damn seriously. Thanks for all the advice everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampgirl Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 hey y'all..I said it before and I'll say it again..thanks so much for all the advice. I mentioned before that was married previously and it was kind of a mess, and I think to a point it stuck with me. My husband now is kind of a quiet one, always has alot on his mind. He has a home based web business, and is always looking to expand it and do better. I no longer work part-time outside the home, since his business has picked up quite a bit and I have since been able to "retire". We live here with my kids and his visit on the typical divorced dad schedule. I have asked myself a hundred times, how many guys would be willing to support me and kids who are not his? From the men I've known, not many. I know they are out there, I just hadn't seen many. Everyone I've known seems to have the "earn your keep" way of thinking. I take care of the house now for the most part and I am trying to learn some web effects to help further the business. He is emotionally drained alot of the time because he works so hard, but I know he does it for me and all the kids, and I couldn't be more grateful.He still finds time to tell me how much he loves me every day, and even though we are in the same house we send each other silly emails to break up the day. So I just wanted to update everyone and let you know that I appreciate the honest advice, because if everyone had only said "oh you poor thing", it would have been very easy to fall back into the feeling I had during my first marriage, where I almost thrived on being angry all the time, because in my head, I was justified. Thanks for waking me up, it has taken me a while to get to this point, but it's nice to know that I can actually be a happy person. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 From the sounds of it, you're a very lucky lady, and you made a good choice. Congratulations! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 IMO, one shouldn't take mistreatment from a SO just because you think that "no one else would put up with me and my kids" I'm married and we have a blended family. He never thought twice about taking on a woman with two kids but I'm not going to sit around and be like, "Oh my God, you married me and I have two kids- so that gives you the right to do whatever you want to me". I never thought about taking on his child either- so what makes him better than me?? Just because you don't work outside the home doesn't mean that you don't contribute to the household. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 The rejection of your overtures must hurt. Any chance for some action in the middle of the day, then? And I hate to mention it, but could he possibly be so into porn he's not into reality? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampgirl Posted January 21, 2006 Author Share Posted January 21, 2006 From the sounds of it, you're a very lucky lady, and you made a good choice. Congratulations! Thanks Slub- I really am! mz pixe..I didn't mean that no one else would 'put up' with me and my kids. what I meant by it, is simply that I am grateful for him. And we both know that I contribute to the household. what I meant by the 'earn your keep' statement is that I know alot of people who dont need to be working for 2 incomes, but have to because their SO will not be the sole supporter, blended family or not. There was never any 'mistreatment', just me not getting my way and not knowing how to deal with it. All I meant to sum up in my 'update' wa that we are very happy and I'm not acting like a spoiled brat, and have learned to understand that men can be affected by stress sexually too. we have since worked any problems out. thanks for your response . becoming, yes it did hurt to get turned down..but as I told mz pixie, I have since learned that men can be affected by stress just like women. we always tell the guys to understand it, but when the tables are turned, we don't know how to handle it. I have since learned. We are very much in love, and plenty of action around here. It's amazing how being a little more understanding can break down emotional walls. I don't know how porn got dragged into this either..but I can assure you, it's absolutely not a problem. thanks for responding:) Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 21, 2006 Share Posted January 21, 2006 Ms. P and Becoming - geeze! The guy sounds like a total gem!!! IMO, one shouldn't take mistreatment from a SO just because you think that "no one else would put up with me and my kids" You're being WAY too extreme! So he maybe is too tired for sex sometimes. That's hardly 'mistreatment'!!!!! Stampgirl seems to have acquired that which appears to be sadly lacking in a lot of relationships - empathy for her partner's situation and understanding of his feelings. The man is working himself to a frazzle so is legitimately tired. To say this is 'mistreating' her or that he might be secretly into porn is awful!!! Do you say that to the men who post that their wives are too tired and stressed to have sex??? Congratulations, Stampgirl, on your loving attitude and on making the effort to understand that men are people too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampgirl Posted January 22, 2006 Author Share Posted January 22, 2006 Congratulations, Stampgirl, on your loving attitude and on making the effort to understand that men are people too Thanks Outcast! Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 Ms. P and Becoming - geeze! The guy sounds like a total gem!!! You're being WAY too extreme! So he maybe is too tired for sex sometimes. That's hardly 'mistreatment'!!!!! Stampgirl seems to have acquired that which appears to be sadly lacking in a lot of relationships - empathy for her partner's situation and understanding of his feelings. The man is working himself to a frazzle so is legitimately tired. To say this is 'mistreating' her or that he might be secretly into porn is awful!!! Do you say that to the men who post that their wives are too tired and stressed to have sex??? Congratulations, Stampgirl, on your loving attitude and on making the effort to understand that men are people too Wait a minute, O! The original post and some things said later make these perfectly legitimate questions and concerns. MzP picked up on something I saw as well--that SG thinks she is someone few people would "put up with," an insecurity echoed in original post and the title of this thread, something that needs challenged for her good so she doesn't inadvertently sabotage a good relationship because of a previous bad one--that's all. And to question whether he might be into porn is (unfortunately, yes!) within the realm of possibilities to consider in this situation. I'm relieved this is not the case because I have known others married to perfectly wonderful men in every other way for whom this was true. Glad to hear things've worked out, SG. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampgirl Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 QUOTE]Glad to hear things've worked out, SG Thank you becoming. I would like to clarify one thing though..when I stated that I didn't know alot of men who would support me & kids that are not his, I meant financially. I did not mean no one else would 'put up' with us..if you look back you will see that I never used the term 'put up with' at all. I know alot of folks who go off to work simply because it's not acceptable to their SO to stay home, they see it as lazy. My H doesn't have a problem footing the bills, that's all. And he helps around the house, he doesn't expect me to do it all just because I don't go to a 9to5 job. I guess it's hard to put into words, without it sounding like I'm thankful to be 'put up' with. I don't feel 'put up' with, I feel cared about. I also hope I don't sound defensive..I'm not trying for that either. I know how I sounded in my original post, and I have to tell you, it was the first 'dry spell' my H and I had hit, so I didn't know what to think. When i was married before, it was to one of those guys who was ready allthe time, So you can imagine my surprise when I got turned down in my new marriage.I had to take a step back and realize that I myself have had days where I haven't felt like having sex, but it certainly didn't mean my H wasn't good enough, so why should it be any different on his side of the coin? If he doesn't feel like it, I know it's because he doesn't feel like it..not because he thinks I'm not worth the time. And vice versa. Anyway...I hope that helps sum it up Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampgirl Posted January 23, 2006 Author Share Posted January 23, 2006 wow I got little crazy with the slanted text..hope that's not too hard on everyone's eyes! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts