Marriage is starting to break down......help

[skinut2234]

It's been 9 years.......things are starting to break down- more fighting- silent treatments..... etc.- maybe we are just getting tired.

There are many issues but one that I think causes many of the problems-

I am, by nature (or however you want to call it) am a very unselfish person- I almost always put everyone else before me- (not saying that is healthy but)... She is the opposite- He attitute is always- "what have you done for me?" - You can see where this is going... we've been able to comprimise many times- but lately- I'm not sure how to resolve or change. We've been down the counselling road and it never works. She likes to be in control of most things.... money-house etc..... She is a SAHM. as many of you read- many of our fights are about money- and the dirty house- I've thrown in the white flag and never mention the house since it always starts a fight- Let it stay a pig sty and I will deal with it- My choices are- just live with it and I will be miserable (But I will learn to deal) or lay it all on the line and say why I am unhappy (put cards on the table)- I am not comfortable doing option 2 since I know it will upset her and I am not comfortable doing that. (yes I am very wishy washy)_ HELP!!

[Shana]

I'm going to sound like Outkast :-) but if your not happy then just leave.

 

Your afraid to hurt her but it is ok for you to hurt?? Think about it. 9 years .. I am sure most were good but some are obviously bad ... Do what your heart feels is right but don't be the "nice guy" that you always are and sell your self short.

 

Life is SO short, if your not happy with this only shot at life that you have (that we all have) then make those changes. You as a person will never change.. and why should you??? But your actions and happy ways of your life can be changed.. by you, not someone else.

 

Good luck!

[Mz. Pixie]

What about counseling???

[mcgee0]

I bet it would help. There's probably a lot of resentment between you two. If nothing changes, end it. 9 years is a long time and a lot to "give up" on, but she needs to contribute as well. Also, is she getting out of the house enough? She may just be feeling useless, thus needing to over-control things in the household. Main point- try counselling.

[SILLYRABBIT]

Hi Skinut, I'm going to put a different spin on this as I have found in a similar situation in my home that I was indeed a contributing factor in my wife's behavior. I too am a "Put everyone else first" kind of guy and a husband to a SAHM. I have a 3 yr old and a 2 month old, How old are your kids?

 

I'm sure you are a good person, but , is it a possibility that you hold your "Put her first" mentality over her head when she is not sensitive to your needs/wants? I know that I did, and I stopped. She may be stressed, depressed, and bored with her life therefore is slipping up a bit. Or, you both of you could be. When someone is depressed, they have a hard time remembering what it feels like to be happy so they don't realize that they are depressed and acting insensitive. Then, when they come out of it, they realize that they were feeling so terrible.

 

She may be controlling, but I'm sure she wants to feel that you have it under control! If you don't then she will still feel insecure and insensitive.

 

Believe me, I have a lot of the same issues, Money, house, kids ,wants, needs, can't(s) It is not easy wherever you go and I truly believe that "THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE". Except for my neighbors lawn, I need to fix that :-). I love my wife (through good times and bad) remember that. Well, here you are in "the bad" don't give up on your relationship YET..

 

My suggestion, Take a look at yourself, as that is all you can change, take a look at yourself through your wife's eyes. Do you slouch, pout, complain? If you do, stop, , get yourself together. Start putting yourself first, a least a little. You need that for your health! Go for walks, eat right, drink water and do things that make YOU feel good. When you feel good, you will be able to look at things in a better perspective. Now, do it slowly so you don't look like your on some sudden mission cuz that will make Wifey Poo even more confused.. and don't tell her your doing this, do it on your own. I do things while on my lunch break, or sometimes after my wife goes to bed.( exercise, read, or cool project)

 

Listen to her, do some nice things for her, that you don't expect anything in return, TRUELY... also bite your tongue for a while as this takes time and and see how she responds to your good moods...due to fact that you are working on improving yourself... right?:-) When I started feeling better, I wanted to give her a back rubs(not expecting sex afterwards) that will kill the backrub if shes not in the mood.. I know from experience. She really likes that, so I do it more often and sometimes she really wants to make love after and initiates it., bonus :-)

 

Now, if by some chance, your are already perfect, then disregard my suggestions and maybe someone else will have a better solution for you.

 

I am still a work in progress but I have noticed through my efforts that my wife smiles at me more, flirts, and is more sensitive to my requests/needs.. and in general is much happier. I also am feeling better and much happier.

 

Good luck, and let me know what you think

 

Bryan

[lilmoma1973]

I think that the two of you should do some comprmising if you want this marriage to work .. You should pull together and help her around the house .. Have someone watch the kids and you two go out on a date and have some couple time .. I think the issue isn't the house really sounds to me that there are some issues in the relationship besides the house!! I could be wrong but wouldn't hurt to try .. My counselor said to me and my H that all couples need a date night maybe you and her are lost in your jobs with work and the kids that you have taken each other for granted !!! Seek some marriage counselor if you want it to work out !!! Good luck hope it all works out