What's Up, What Do I Do??

[spiritual73]

K, here goes........I love my husband very much and he totally returns the love. That aside, I am finding that we have come to the point where we have nothing in common at all anymore it seems. We've been together since highschool(together since 1989, married since 1997), so highschool sweethearts. We use to have many things in common it seemed, but now that I look back it was partying, drinking, and smoking pot!!(which I've quit, but he hasn't). I am extremely active and love to go to the gym, swim, hike, walk, exercise period. He's a smoker, doesn't exercise barely at all, collects like everything, and would prefer to sit home and play his computer/Xbox games that to get out together. He's reason "All you like to do is go out drinking, and I'm not into that!!" Which isn't true, I love going to the movies, bowling, or even just a walk/hike together would suit me fine. Sometimes he's all for it, other times I can tell he's just doing it to shut me up. So lately, as much as I love him I'm finding I feel lonely, and alone. We have sex usually when he wants it, and if I don't feel like it or I'm not in the mood he just can't seem to take no for an answer with me giving in all the time. Sometimes I feel so attracted to him, and other times, I find myself trying to be. I'm very confused here, because I know in my heart I love him, but is that enough?? Basically I'm looking for someone who can relate, or who is in similar situations for advice. Any would be great. Thanks.....

[MustB1]

start doing more for you and think about asking him to give up pot. It is true that with smoking pot people tend to go no where and not change much. Personal growth stunter for sure. Atleast for those that use daily, or frequently.

 

He smokes cigs also? So, he has less energy all the way around. Maybe you can introduce some healthy lifestyle changes like a macrobiotic diet, and when you want to go to the gym or out for a hike, invite him and if he doesn't want to go , go anyhow.

 

If after a few more months things aren't any better, why not have the I think we may have to go our separate way talk.

[augur]

I have to reiterate - marriage counseling.

 

Now, something to keep in mind, he may really not be

into the idea – a lot of folks are not. My SO was appalled

at the idea to begin with.

 

Now, what I am about to share is personal to my experience.

 

Things came to a head and but bad. I had been working on my

self-esteem and other things to build my self up emotional, physically

and so forth, so for some reason, when everything came to the

boiling point (disclaimer – we where BOTH at fault in one way

or another) she said “just leave”.

 

For some reason, I completely disengaged from the situation. I was

sure that the relationship was over. The next morning, I called my

brother, came home early from work, and I packed up all of my books

(I am a book rat – no easy task) DVDs that where defiantly mine, personal

files, and so forth. I then spent the better part of the afternoon looking

for a place to live.

 

Be it right or be it wrong, the next day when I came home, we started

talking again and she told me that she did not want me to leave and

that counseling might be a good idea after all – without any prompting

from.

 

From there, it has been a long process – it takes time, it takes work, it

is ongoing and I still have to remind myself that healing takes time - for

both of us. Walking on water was not built in a day.

 

In regards to when and how to bring up the idea of marriage counseling,

I would recommend waiting to hear from some other folks in regards to

this matter to give yourself more food for thought.

[Kate*]

Two different people cannot be identical, find compromise, take turns to do thigs you both like to do, try to make him interested.

[GuySimple]

I married my high school sweetheart. We have known each other for 25 years and married for 18. What we found was that we relied too much on natural attraction in our relationship. The stuff that makes 16 year olds fall in love.

 

As strong as this may be it is difficult to rely on it to carry you through the changes in your life as you get older and mature. My wife and I grew apart. Our interests and tastes changed and we had less and less in common with each other. When we had an argument we went away angry. What would bring us together is that natural attraction thing. Seeing the light hit her hair a certain way etc. We would say we were sorry, hug and have great makeup sex. Now, the issue was never resolved, but we moved on any way.

 

You can’t do this very long before each of you will eventually start feeling short changed, that you want more, that you’re no longer the 16 year old and you need some substance. Is that where you are now in your relationship? You need to talk to your husband because it doesn’t sound like he is there yet. You need to talk about where your marriage is going and where each of you want it to go. It is good that you are exploring this now and not waiting. If you wait too long you will eventually start resenting him or each other and it gets way more difficult.

 

Oh, I’m Canadian so I don’t think smoking pot once in a while is such a horrible thing. It will impact sex drive though so if you want him to cut down or stop tell him that unless he wants to live a life on the little blue pill he may want to slow it down a bit.