surviving infidelity

[simes]

I wondered if anybody had views on this issue. My story is that two years ago my wife had an affair. I accepted that my behaviour played a big part in this i.e too wrapped up in work, no time for kids generally pretty morose. I never wanted to split but my wife told me that all I was to her was a provider and that she'd fallen out of love with me.

 

We'd been together for 25 years , since the age of 16, have two great children and were always very good friends.

 

So we split, I moved out but always making it clear that I thought we could repair things, that I did then and still do love her deeply and that for my part I was prepared to change.

 

The biggest issue then for me was that she had a passion for going to night clubs and that was where she met her new lover. I was never keen on her going but never tried to stop her although I don't think I was particularly pleasant to be with when she got back. (nothing abusive just sulky)

 

When we split we had contact with eachother every day sometimes at my doing but often at hers. Initially I was emotionally wrecked and she was most of the time supportive. After about 4 months she asked me back. I always wanted to go back.

 

Most of the time we have got on well, sometimes very well. I have genuinly changed my behaviour and fell much better for it. The one problem is that she still insists on going to night clubs, currently once a week. I don't think she is having an affair nor looking for one. She discribed her passion for dancing like the high I used to get when I played football and I understand that. I dont want to try and stop her going but I don 't want to go. When she is out I become a bit of a nervouse wreck, cant sleep or eat and generally snappy with the kids.

 

I wish I could relax about it but I can't and the reason I think is that I'm not sure of her feelings for me. She doesn't tell me that she loves me or do anything to try and reassure me . Last night we had a big row and she turned the whole thing on me by saying that I dont trust her. She has said that she is not going to stop going out or compromise in any way and I have to put up or shut up.

 

Any ideas anyone. I definately want to work it out with her!!!

[bab]

I know you said you don't want to, but GO WITH HER!!!

 

I know lots of people are going to say that she's being selfish, and she probably is, but I've got a friend who loves swing dancing, and goes dancing multiple times a week. So, I can see what you mean about it being a passion of hers, BUT if it makes you uncomfortable, something needs to be done. If you go with her, you'll be able to better judge what is going on when she's out. If it's truely innocent, then maybe after a couple of weeks it will calm you nerves to have a better idea of what is going on. On the other hand, if it isn't totally innocent, she won't be able to say that you've got no idea what goes on. Maybe you could take up dancing as well??

[simes]

I appreciate what you say but part of her enjoyment is the freedom it gives her whilst she's out. She has a small group of girl friends that she goes with and I think it is pretty much a girly night out.

[MustB1]

Why can't you go? Girly nights out are okay once in a while but weekly seem a bit much!

[Scott S]

I appreciate what you say but part of her enjoyment is the freedom it gives her whilst she's out. She has a small group of girl friends that she goes with and I think it is pretty much a girly night out.

 

You do want to be back together, right?

 

I also say take her out clubbing. You might enjoy it more than you think. Besides, it will show her that you're willing to go the extra mile to help mend your relationship.

 

You would likely be quite surprised by how the simplest gestures of appreciation show how much you care.

[ThatOneGuy]

You are a lot more forgiving then I would be. Personally if someone ever had the nerve to cheat on me then they would become dead to me. I can understand how you can still be attached to her because you’ve been married for so long.

 

But, Isn’t the fact that she slept with another man always in the back of your mind? Aren’t you constantly thinking about what she is doing at those night clubs? Don’t you worry late at night that it could indeed happen again? And that all she is doing is using you?

 

That’s what I would be thinking... And it would eat away at me for the remaining time with the person that cheated on me. I could never fully trust them again. And you can’t have a relationship, let alone a marriage without trust.

[whichwayisup]

I think she has to not go once a week. She has to give up that dream of going so much...For you. She needs to show and prove to you that YOU are her life, not some guy.

 

Can I ask? DO you know the OM? If so, does his spouse know what happened? Cuz that could END it completely, IF the A is still going on.

 

Sounds like you're very inlove with her and will do anything to keep the marriage healthy and happier. Don't give up. Talk to her, tell her your fears and share everything with eachother.

 

Take care.

[RecordProducer]

So as I see it you don't want to go with her and she doesn't want to go with you. She gives you no choice by stating that she will go anyway. You don't trust her with a good reason and you believe she cheated for a good reason.

 

So she needs to show you that you can trust her. But she doesn't give you any reassurance that she will not hook up with someone this time. I think you need to seriously talk to her about this and the trust issue. If you don't trust her it's because she didn't give you a good enough reason for you to trust her. You must be completely certain that nothing will happen this time.

 

At the same time she is being manipulative and uses emotional blackmail to get what she wants ("put up or shut up!"). That's not how healthy communication between spouses should sound like. Ask her about her feelings for you.

 

You let her get away with her previous affair and are now paying the price of it. Let her know that you will not tolerate another affair and that if it happens, she will be out of your life once forever.

[MustB1]

THatoneGUY- you have no idea what you would do in someone elses situation. If you were married 10+ years and your wife strayed, you can not say you would leave until you are actually in that situation. I always said I would leave if my spouse cheated and I did not leave when it happened.

Realistically more than 75% of all spouses end up committing adultery. Past a certain age, you will either be dating someone that has cheated or is divorced because they cheated. And another fact remains that many acts of adultery are never uncovered, so many people that say they would end the relationship IF they were cheated on will never even know they already have been.

 

 

I do think the original poster should require his wifes behavior be changed, and that the marriage be held as the number one priority, if she isn't remorseful she will cheat again, and he will be a doormat. If we don't require respect, we won't be respected.

[Ladyjane14]

I doubt very much that this problem is about dancing. If it were, there are other ways she could meet that particular need. She could take a ballroom-dancing class, or join and aerobic dance group at the gym. There's lots of ways she could shake her bootie, right?

 

It's more likely to be about "clubbing". So, the question you have to ask yourself is what EXACTLY is she getting out of that. What's the payoff?

 

She told you that it's about dancing....but that doesn't make much sense once you consider that she could be dancing in alot of different venues that are NOT causing her problems at home. Dancing is thus eliminated as a justified reason.

 

Clubbing gives you an opportunity for social approval, flirting, dressing up. It gives you the opportunity to mix all that liberally with alcohol. You can leave your daily grind at the door, and do the 'bump and grind' with people who are generously massaging your ego....in the hope that you'll allow them to massage something a bit more substantial.

 

Clubbing without the approval of your spouse gives you an opportunity to flout what you might perceive as an unjust authority in your life. "You can't tell ME what to do. You're my husband NOT my daddy. "

 

Once you've discovered the TRUE reason for her insistance on clubbing, you'll be better prepared to make a decision on what it is that YOU can live with.

[harleygirl92156]

if someone ever had the nerve to cheat on me then they would become dead to me. .

 

That is a lot easier said than done. You can't say how you would react until you have actually been in that situation with someone whom you love deeply. I always said cheatin' and beatin' were marriage enders, not doubt, no second chance, no nothing, over.

Well you guessed it, I was cheated on by my husband whom I love deeply. There are circumstances (he is alcoholic, but recovering now) that made me rethink this. He gets a second chance as long as he stays sober because he only did this when he was drunk. If he drinks, cheating or not, I have to go whether I want to or not. He knows this.

There are second chances......don't ever say never cause it can bite in in the butt very quickly!!

[Walk]

From someone who cheated on a significant other (long ago)...

 

She discribed her passion for dancing like the high I used to get when I played football and I understand that. I don't want to try and stop her going but I don 't want to go.

 

Simes, you're screwing yourself man. She isn't going dancing for the "runners high" if that's what you're telling yourself. She's going for the ego boost, the free drinks, forgetting you and your relationship, all stress, and the reality of her life. I'm sure she's getting a high from all the men who are making her feel wanted, sexy, desirable.... It's a very addicting high.

 

Stand up for yourself! She's pushing you around because you'll do anything to keep her. She knows this. And she's continuing to place herself in the situation which was the most conducive to cheating on you. Again.

 

That was harsh of me.... but I feel like you're being naive. It's not like she's got a hobby that she's gaining something from intrinsically, like going to the gym, or social organizations, and you're the bad guy because you're denying her this opportunity. You've bent over backwards for her, and I don't think she has any respect for you. Personally, I think if she did want you and your marriage, she wouldn't continue going out. Maybe once in a great while, but EVERY week??? How 'bout no? There are a million other ways to have a girls night out that don't involve alcohol and other men groping your ass.

 

This is my humble opinion. I think you're being conned sir.

[Outcast]

I doubt very much that this problem is about dancing. If it were, there are other ways she could meet that particular need. She could take a ballroom-dancing class, or join and aerobic dance group at the gym. There's lots of ways she could shake her bootie, right?

 

You can't get drinks at dance lessons and your friends won't likely go.

 

She isn't going dancing for the "runners high" if that's what you're telling yourself.

 

She actually could be. People get as addicted to dancing as they do to running or weighlifting or any other sport. I know several people who go dancing several times a week - male and female; some married.

 

I agree, though, that OP should go with his wife once in a while.

[Chicana]

I agree that you need to go with her once in awhile just to check out the scene. In fact I would just ask her where she is going and show up just to see what the real deal is. I mean if she is doing nothing wrong she shouldn't mind. I am married and love to dance but twice a month would have been a big month for me and my husband is always welcome to go. In fact it is even better when he is there. He doesn't like to dance as much as I do but he seems to have a pretty good time. Keep in mind that she can bring up trust issues but even if you weren't doing everything right she did not have the right to cheat on you. She owes it to you to show thru her actions that she is sorry and she wants your trust back and most of all that she loves you. Tomorrow is never promised and you should live every day happy or trying to get there because you owe it to yourself. You shouldn't be sitting home wondering what she is doing or if she will cheat again. She needs to realize that you have made a lot of effort and now it is her turn to show her commitment to you