Trust Trust Trust...I'm going crazy!!!

[GuySimple]

I feel like I am going a bit crazy lately regarding the trust I have with my wife. My wife and I are going through some rough times lately (see previous posts). But I find myself not trusting her. I’m starting to think that I am going a bit crazy trying to figure things out. She doesn’t think our relationship can continue but when I mention moving out she feels it’s a bit hasty. She has asked that we sleep in separate beds, which we now do. She will talk to me, in a nicer then normal sort of way, but doesn’t what to have any physical contact with me at all.

 

So I find myself starting to imagine things that I can’t realistically see her doing like wanted to be with someone else. I have checked the cell phone bills to see if there are any calls, I have looked through her emails etc., all very much paranoia. I don’t want to feel this way but once I am alone the worst keeps going through my mind.

 

She has sometimes lied to me in the past about smallish things because she said that I over reacted when I heard the truth. I keep wondering about what she would do with the large things. Like I said her character is such that I can’t imagine her doing anything but I don’t know how to explain her behavior lately.

[mouseboxeo]

I feel the same way with my wife. The physical contact is there, but I still don't have complete trust in her. I do the same things you do, but I've found some things she's lied about. Like talking to people she said she would stop talking to . Or wanting to talk to her ex. I would never cheat and she knows that, but I get the same feeling about my wife sometimes. I'm in the military too and there are a lot of wives who cheat on their husbands while on deployment. So many marines for example get divorced after deployment. So I'm in the same pickle as you man.

[Devildog]

I'm in the military too and there are a lot of wives who cheat on their husbands while on deployment. So many marines for example get divorced after deployment.

 

Like we used to tell the married Marines when I was in, "Don't worry, when you get home you will find your wife just like you left her. Freshly F*cked!":lmao: :lmao:

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Guy ,

I know what you feel .. My h is in a band and i don't trust him cause he has cheated and i feel he is always hiding something maybe it has to do with the fact that he has lied to be about little things.. I check cell bills and land have looked in his emails.. I guess since he has cheated before i don't trust much of what he says anymore .. I guess when you get burnt in a relationship it is so hard to tear down that wall.. i don't understand why she is still wanting you in the house yet you are not having any physical contact with one another.. How are you suppose to work on things if you have little to no contact.. I hope everything works out for you!! Good luck

[Mz. Pixie]

GS- In my opinion, you have a right to be distrustful and suspicious. Her actions are causing yours? Understand??

 

I think I told you before, that most women who do and say what she is doing and saying are under the influence of another person.

 

What she is doing right now is trying to have her cake and eat it too. You're in the house, you're helping her pay the bills and other things, but she's not having to have a relationship with her. Only you can decide how long you're willing to put up with that.

[GuySimple]

I still find it hard to believe that she could be doing anything like that. She has always said that I overreact. Not physically and not even yelling, just that I start to rant and rave. She said that is why she has sometimes not told me things. Now, realistically these would be classed as relatively minor, household stuff. So when she said that she didn’t love me anymore and didn’t for sometime she said that she didn’t tell me because I would overreact.

 

So I start wondering, what else hasn’t she told me. Am I being paranoid? I had an affair 7 years ago so maybe I’m being overly sensitive to things because I saw that it can happen to normal good people. I have no doubt that she is not sleeping around but I wonder about the whole emotional affair thing.

 

So my dilemma is do I say anything? I’m afraid that if I ask her and have that discussion that it will only push her farther away. She already has said that she doesn’t think we can have a normal loving relationship because of the way I am and the way she is. This would only highlight that.

[Lil Honey]

she said that she didn’t love me anymore and didn’t for sometime

 

She already has said that she doesn’t think we can have a normal loving relationship because of the way I am and the way she is.

 

And both of you are still married . . . WHY?

 

If that's the way she feels and she is determined NOT to change, then what is the point?

 

Does she want you to stay in a loveless marriage? Do YOU want to stay in a loveless marriage?

[Mz. Pixie]

Guy simple-

 

Trust me when I tell you this- I'm the least likely person you would ever think would have an affair. As a matter of fact, I used to think that I would never ever be like some other people and do that. I attended church every Sunday, have been a Sunday School teacher, was a excellent wife, a fantastic mother. I also was at home with my children every weekend while my exhusband ran around doing whatever he wanted.

 

Someone that I'd known for a long time and trusted approached me about having a little fun. Were it have been a stranger I couldn't have done it probably. I'd been starving for attention a little too long, and there ya go.

 

I'm not saying that she is. I'm just saying the signs do point to it. I hope that I'm wrong. I also hope that you're not sitting around being naive enough to think that it couldn't be happening to you. If I were you I'd put a keylogger on that computer she spends so much time on.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey

i totally agree with Mz Pixzie she might be getting attention from someone else and you need to get a keylogger especially if she is on the computer alot!! I would also be checking the history and the files to see what she is looking at she could be talking to someone on the computer that may be why all the time is spent on the computer!! Good luck

[SamandBran]

Guy, your wife sounds like she is not trying to make the marriage work and is keeping you around as a rebound and you're her husband!

 

It takes two to make a marriage work, once one of the parties is not putting forth the effort, it's pointless b/c you can't make the other want to be married to you.

 

I would talk to her and tell her that either she shape up or you'll walk. "Shaping up" means going to marriage counseling and trying to meet some middle ground so you guys can move forward together in your marriage. If she still refuses, she's a lost cause and she has to go.

 

She may never leave you b/c of the security that she has with you, so if you want to be happy, you have to make this decision for yourself whether or not you deserve to truly be happy somewhere else.

 

"No one deserves to play second fiddle to another."

 

And I speak from experience, I had to do this to my son's biological father. He lied to me for almost 6 months about his affair, but I was only with him for 2 months of the 6 b/c I knew something was going on just couldn't get proof, when I did, I walked.

 

Now I am married and very very happy. My son's father turned out to be a selfish deadbeat, who now hates me b/c he has to pay a good amount for child support money that I don't really need. My DH and I are doing very well financially and only have our one son that DH wants to adopt (like Brad and Angelina, right..hehe). My baby daddy has 2 other kids to support as well.

 

So, you see how well things work out when you follow your instincts.

 

Good luck in you decision and keep us posted!

[jmargel]

GuySimple.. Look at the facts. She has no physical contact with you, you two sleep in different beds, you two don't do anything together as in a relationship and she has told you she doesn't love you anymore.

 

So why is she staying with you? Simple she has no where to go. It's like you chasing a dog and the faster you run after her the faster she runs away.

 

How to make this work? Well you'll need to really put your foot down and follow through with the ultamatium if overtime she isn't willing to do anything. I use the analogy this way: I work with K-9s, shepherds espeically. With them you want to create a bond that will last a lifetime and in order to do that you want 'them' to come to 'you'. So at an early age you have someone hold the puppy back while you call it's name, the dog will squirm & bark. The second person then lets the puppy go. You'll see him run as fast as he can towards you however you don't accept him with open arms. Instead you run the opposite direction calling it's name. Now instead of you chasing a dog (for example if the puppy got loose) this type of training will in-still in the puppy to come after you when called upon. This is what you'll need to do with your wife.

 

Tell her that you want to work on this and make an appointment to see a marriage counselor. Let her know you've done this (after you make it) and invite her along. If she doesn't want to go, fine. Tell her you will be there to listen to her when she's ready to talk. Then let her go. Goto the counseling and better yourself. Find out what really is going on. In the meantime, don't be mean to her but don't tell her you love her, don't smother her, don't be at her side. Go out and do your own thing. Make her feel like she could lose you for good, remind her of all the good things there are about you. Once she realizes this then she will want to goto counseling and be prepared enough to accept her side of irresponsibility. And if cheating was going on you will find out through the counseling process.

 

Right now you need to deal with the issues which is why is she acting this way. And honestly the issue isn't whether she is cheating or not. You & her need to dig pretty deep inside on what is causing the miscommunication and defensiviness in your marriage.

 

Instinctly when you feel like you are going to lose someone you will grab on tighter, however that only helps push them away. You'll have to go against all of that if you wish to keep this marriage together. It will be hard and there are no guarantees but from the experieces I've had and the people I've helped on here this is your best route to take. Keep us informed and please look for a licensed counselor this week.